apparently, my last post was too serious for some of you… i am deep people, it can’t be shits and giggles all the time. i have many facets – 
like a beautiful diamond or a mental patient with multiple personalities…anyway, now i feel the pressure to entertain you with an inane topic. lately, i have been thinking a lot about dreams. so, here’s a cool idea: i will tell you about the crazy dreams i have and later we can analyze them for fun. there are a few major recurring dreams i have had for years that, among other things, obviously reveal major control issues i have (which i know comes as a huge shock to you):
1. the broken teeth dream
2. the forgotten locker combo
3. the unchecked voicemail
4. floating
5. busted brakes
1. the broken teeth:
this is my most prevalent insane dream and i have been having it for as long as i can remember. it starts with my tongue growing so swollen that it breaks my teeth until i am spitting out my teeth in shards. my teeth just won’t stop breaking. i am always trying to get to a dentist, but can’t. it feels so real that i am never quite sure if i am dreaming. i fully expect to wake up without teeth. and until last year, i had never met anyone who had this dream. in fact anyone, i related it to, looked at me like i was one sandwich short of a picnic. so last year, i met the ONE other person on earth who also has this dream and i knew i met my soul mate and possible second husband. i mean how did that even come up in our conversation? (this is entirely another story altogether) but unlike me, he had a good reason for having it – like getting into a bar fight and having several teeth knocked out. anyway, i digress.
2. the forgotten locker combo
this one involves me wandering around middle school or high school as an adult trying to remember which is my locker and what the combo is. i have major anxiety as i am meandering around the school because i know i am not supposed to be there and i am going to get busted wandering the halls during class. it sometimes morphs into college where i need to take a final for a class i blew off for an entire semester and can’t even remember where it is or what day it was even on (this is not so far fetched from reality). why do i still have this dream 20 years after i used a locker?
3. the unchecked voicemail
this dream stems from my very first job out of college. i worked as a “district manager” for ADP selling payroll services. it is reality that i continually got busted for not checking my email because i was a mondo slacker and a way crappy salesperson. sixteen years after quitting that job, i still have the dream that i am getting reamed by the sales managers for not checking my voicemail and then i realize, “hey i don’t work here anymore,” so i tell ‘em all to fuck off, and i leave. *interesting sue fact, this actual occurrence in my real life is why i hate checking voice mails to this day. i am still programmed to dread the information contained in them. so there, people, that is why i never check them, nor return your calls. so don’t bother leaving them for me unless we’re dating. and then you have an entirely different set of communication rules which will make you want to pull out your hair (well, duh, i am a chick).
4. floater
i have had that floating dream for all my life, you know the one where you just start floating up and up into the sky like a human balloon and you can’t get down? you can kind of steer yourself around by flapping your arms but never actually land? no? you don’t know it? alrighty then. this dream usually morphs into me being naked and having to get somewhere but my legs won’t work. i can barely walk. i am dragging them or crawling behind a group of people. i am usually completely bare-assed trying to cover myself up. sometimes i am being chased whilst nekkid and i can’t run. i never do get caught but this dream always leaves me in a sweat the next morning.
5. the busted car brakes
so, i am happily driving along and then i need to stop at an intersection or for a car in front of me. i step on the brakes and they won’t work. then i start stomping on the brakes but the car keeps rolling. it always ends with me driving off a giant rollercoaster like hill in which i can actually feel my stomach drop in my sleep, off the road, in a major collision, or being pulled over by a cop. i am always like, “shit, i am really screwed here,” but then i wake up relieved that it was just a dream. i dunno, but this dream may have something to do with what a terrible driver i am rumored to be…
so, there you go. feel free to analyze all of this insanity. use it for your thesis. share it with your shrink. share it with my shrink. dream about my dreams tonight. then analyze why i felt compelled to share the twisted innerwebs of my mind with you…
Tags: brakes, car, dentist, dream, high school, locker, school, teeth
