single with vodkagood girl gone bad

eventually, i became exhausted from all that outdoor money spending. i needed to regroup & refuel & sat down to have my own cup of coffee. soon, a commotion ensued. what i witnessed was possibly the most absurd thing i have ever seen. dozens of dudes running through the bistro tables with cameras escorted by all the tiers of security agents chasing some chick whom i didn’t even recognize. she looked like a thin kardashian and had a look of smugness & discomfort on her face at the same time. i later found out it was that turd, adrina from the hills. they followed her all over but didn’t actually go into the stores. it was bizarre to see the paparazzi in action in front of me. if it was that insane for a d-list celeb-reality chick, i wouldn’t want to be anywhere near a brangelina sighting. of course, its all a highly oiled machine. the security dudes & camera jockeys are alerted by her publicist before she comes. absurd, i tell you. i intensely dislike the whole celebrity thing. there are very few celebs i would actually want to meet, but that’s an entirely other topic.

the last thing about the grove: the abercrombie & fitch store had a gorgeous, perfectly sculpted, (read: gay) guy standing in the entrance taking polaroid pix with gaggles of salivating teenage girls & autographing the shots (what was he signing? “to teenage girl/guy, xoxox, 1/2 naked buff pretty gay guy.”) so silly. unless he was for sale & was straight, i had no interest in going in there. i don’t need to be reminded that i need to go to the gym when i am already trying on clothes that don’t fit me. i was sensitive from an earlier encounter in nordstrom, when the twiggy blond sales beyatch getting me a pair of jeans asked me if i was a size 7! the horror. no commission for you! it appears that i am chubby for LA because i eat actual food. LA was fun, but it was time for my giant suitcase & me to be off to vegas with legal eagle cousin the next day.

now i am finally getting to the part you really want to know about: vegas, baby. here is where i have anxiety about the fact that it may be less exciting than expected. as bad as my behavior is, it is minor compared to the mayhem that occurs on a daily basis in a city dedicated to celebrating every sin & over-indulgence imaginable. first off, of course i hadn’t learned my lesson from the newark security debacle, and had all kinds of full sized potions in my carry-on bag again. my cousin just shook his head at me while he was ensnared into the commotion that ensued. i am sure you can imagine the ordeal and let me just say i am lucky i am not at gitmo right now. most of my stuff was trashed & i was down 30 bucks in toiletries before i even made it to vegas.

the southwest flight to vegas from LA is a short, peaceful 40 minute flight complete with the life vest harangue. my cousin pondered, rightfully so, where water was located when flying over the desert. this flight it is so informal, you have to get your seat assignment the night before. and it’s not an actual assignment, so much as the order in which you get to line up for boarding. it boards from the front and the back which necessitates a precise strategy if you want to actually sit with your companion. plus you have to walk out on the tarmac & climb the stairs with your carry on (i had a small one & had totally pared down for the vegas weekend at my cousin’s back’s behest.) its a giant panic attack to get your seats when the people boarding from both directions meet in the middle. once seated, they actually serve you a drink which you must guzzle down, because by the time you get it you are descending. then they throw a tiny bag of peanuts at you as you are on the landing strip.

once we stepped out of the cab, the intense 115 degree heat hits you like a wall. i don’t understand how people can actually live there year round. it’s the desert. we had a gorgeous hotel room at the venetian thanks to my cousin who travels in style, but when we looked out the window, jj remarked, “nothing but ac units as far as the eye can see.” it was time for the pool at 5pm when the temperature dropped – it was only 99 degrees.

now the first thing you notice in vegas is an endless sea of boobs. they are everywhere. jj had warned me, ” in vegas, the breasts come out.” i had no idea just how “out” til i got there. my sluttiest day in suburbia is conservative in vegas and this was pretty much how the club scene went too. here i am thinking i packed the cutest lbd’s (little black dresses) that were cleavage baring & short…they were too long & loose. these girls were wearing dresses so short, they were glorified shirts. so tight you could see what they had for lunch. thank god “personal grooming” has evolved because you could see all that too. so we hit nightclubs on both nights & were close to the oldest people there. that was kinda sucky but didn’t ruin our time. i told my cuz i was going to pimp him out & pick up chicks for him. i totally got rejected every time & have a new found respect for how tough it is for you guys to approach women. gawd, we are downright mean.

the lipstick lesbian thing is big out there & the club we were in the first night, tao, had a tableau of 2 chicks feeling on each other. these 2 couldn’t have been less into it & my thought was, it’s vegas, do it right. i am sure there are hot real lesbians out there they could have gotten for this scene. very lazy, tao.

we danced for hours until i had bloody blisters from the fabu new shoes paolo sold me. the dj thing in vegas is way irritating to us old schoolers. all of their music in on a macbook & they play about 30 seconds of a song & then just as you get into it, switch it. it was like he forgot to take his adderall. eventually, we stumbled back to our room after detouring to the blackjack tables along the way. the dealers are way crabby at 4am or maybe we were just annoying drunk people. my cousin kept trying to give her the room key as his comp card. hey, i was amused. maybe she needs to lighten up.

the next day we sat at the “outdoor” cafe inside the venetian shopping area for breakfast & caffeine hangover repair & watched the mimes perform in the “town square.” we both wanted to injure them. there is just NO need for mimes in this day and age. i am not convinced people from that time in history even liked them. after major coffee imbibment, we stepped outside to sample the dry desert climate. it was 106 degrees by noon. you know that bullshit people try to sell you about” it’s not the heat its the humidity?” sure, it wasn’t so terrible until you noticed the heat convecting off the pavement was singing your leg hairs. we were literally being cooked. it ain’t humid inside my oven either, jackass. 115 is 115 period.

the second night progressed the same way but after the club we hit the “shadow bar” at caeser’s. it is called such because there are chicks standing behind screens dancing that appear to be naked. and they are endlessly cold if you know what i mean. i could not stop watching them. i was utterly entranced. and i am straight, but beauty is beauty be it a woman or man. i did my fair share of ogling both sexes. i am positive they had fake nipples or they were icing up every few minutes.

two random thoughts about resorts especially those of the magnitude of LV. i cannot fathom how there is enough food in the world to keep feeding all of these people. Last time i was in vegas, i hit the rio seafood buffet & just couldn’t compute how there was enough shellfish in the ocean to stock this thing every night. even just the waste alone made my head spin. i calculate it by all the hotels in vegas and then all the hotels & restaurants in the world. crazy to me. the other thing that it is bizarre to me is the fact that your vacation is someone’s job. the zillions of people that are there because it is just a job for them. they are bored and crabby sometimes just like we are at work BUT it’s your vacation and you expect them to be chipper all the time, no matter what. poor customer service sucks, but on vacation, at a resort, totally unacceptable.

so to sum up vegas, baby: we ate, we drank, we danced, we bonded. that was it. no major drunken escapades or crazy hookups with donkeys & midgets. just 2 middle aged cousins going through bad divorces and letting off some steam. it was really healing and we both had the same thought over dinner: my dad would have been so happy to see us having so much fun together. it’s so sad that just trying to survive our bad marriages all the years caused us to lose touch. we felt reunited. that was the best thing i got out of the weekend. the family that stayed behind in LA, however, found the lack of scandal to be disappointing & still aren’t truly convinced we aren’t hiding anything from them.

we had the greatest cab ride back to the airport. our cabbie decided the bumper to bumper traffic to the airport on a vegas sunday was not of his concern, he drove down the express lane – the shoulder. needless to say he was tipped handsomely.

now i had one last day to kill on my own until i left on the redeye home. everybody was at work again & i had stayed at my aunt’s place in marina del ray the last night. after wasting most of the day lounging around, i decided to get a cab to venice beach to do some shopping. the cabbie was lovely until i realized he kept asking me the same questions over & over & i was sure he was on his way to full blown dementia. he took me to the pier at santa monica instead of venice beach which was an extra 10 bux and told me, “venice is that way.” it only took 40 minutes to walk there on already blistered feet (i was 4 band aids deep at this point). but the show that is called venice was well worth it.

now if you have never been there, you need to know, venice is a self proclaimed “artists’ colony,” aka community of homeless/drug addicts/crazy people that craft. they sit on the beach side & there is flea markety type shopping on the other. some of the artists don’t even bother to pretend to sell their crafts, they just display signs that say things like, “need cigarettes. god bless.” or, “i don’t sell drugs but please buy my painted skulls.” venice attracts a rough crowd & some regular characters. i have seen the rollerblading turbaned guitar playing dude every time i have been there. he started out with rollerskates & has evolved to these super pro-blades. no trip to venice is complete without seeing hm. he must be getting close to retirement. if he was smart he would sell his franchise.

what was most striking to me about venice, is that since the last time i was there 2 things have happened: botox & california has all but legalized marijuana use. so there are “doctors” on the beach “evaluating” you for “medical marjuana” use. you can also get “botox on the beach” right next to your “evaluation.” i refrained from being evaluated & botoxing, but i did score some cool digs. i bought a top that was see through & needed a tank under it. pre-vegas i would have worn it with such, post vegas, i didn’t care, i wore it home on the plane as is. the lovely, elderly couple from ohio sitting next me, wondering how many answering machine messages they had at home, tried to avert their eyes, but it became impossible when i bent over & had 2/3 of my thong & asscrack hanging out. vegas sure can eliminate a gal’s inhibitions.

so all in all, i had a wonderful time. i saw my family, bonded, healed, ate, drank ,was merry, got to escape the insanity i live with in this mental ward on a daily basis, & have a renewed love of traveling.

yay, me.

the “doctor’s office”

harry perry of venice beach rollerblading fame. thanks for the pic google.