now that camp is finished for the summer, and the little monkeys are home full time, i have far less time than i would like to blog and entertain my adoring fans. i was all set to blog about my weekend in AC, but so much time has passed, i no longer feel inspired and truth be told, it wasn’t all that scurrilous. i sat at the bar and relentlessly scratched my 400 mosquito bites like a scabies carrier. nothing sexier than a woman with uncontrollable itching. since that is ancient history in blog time anyway, i am going to tell you about something a bit more current and waaaaaaaaaaay more juicy instead. what follows is for those 18 & over…
last tuesday, i was invited to a “passion party” at a pal’s house. yes, it’s exactly what you think it is. all kinds of toys, and not of the PG variety. the hostess invited her baddest girls: four in various stages of divorce and 2 who are happily married (who were ignored by the rest of us. justifiably). btw, the hostess was turning all shades of embarrassed the entire time which amused the rest of us to no end. it was her party. her idea.
after plying us with food & drink, thereby further reducing our normally unstunted inhibitions, it was time for the “party.” the party is really just an elaborate exhibition of lotions, potions, toys, & club packs of batteries. there were 2 catalogs distributed: one labeled “nice” which was promptly tossed, and one labeled “naughty” which became our new testament. the sections entitled “for him” were immediately discarded. what followed was what was must have truly been meant by the saying, “if i could be a fly on the wall.” it was coined for this exact situation i am sure. but i promise, no men were harmed in the making of this post…
so, we got right down to bidness immediately with the orgasm gels which were on page ONE. one gel was a gel that was guaranteed to ensure climax clitorally and was described by the MC as, and i quote, “the sensation of a york peppermint patty” on your hooha. obviously a guest was needed to test it out to give us a personal endorsement. my chief bad girl volunteered and returned from the bathroom with the comment of, “it feels like a tiny snowman blowing on my clitoris.” naturally, we all ordered a jar. the second gel was to ensure g-spot climax. it goes on the dude’s wee wee. there were only 2 questions from the crowd: “can you OD on that stuff?” and “is it edible?” she assured us that although it wasn’t edible it was non-toxic which was good enough for us. a round of that was ordered as well. both were endorsed by the show “the doctors” which was further justification for the 40 bux a jar.
next came one of the largest arrays of vibrators, i have ever seen in person. i ain’t sure if the black one was modeled after the real thing, but if so, i now understand why you never go back… there were all kinds of colors, lengths, thicknesses, & orifice specific toys, but he crown jewel was “the tongue,” ( $60 retail) which is exactly what you think it is. it is no longer sold but the MC told us she could “find one” for us. apparently there is a black market for these things with the sex mafia. to me, it just seemed way too desperate, like the fake vagina for men. btw, i happen to know someone personally who sexed that instead of his wife. but that is a story for another day. a way fucked up day. an interesting footnote is that the vibrators from japan all have faces on them – which was kinda creepy but is the only way to skirt the indecency laws in japan. apparently, if it has face it is considered a novelty toy. hey, whatever they need do to export the stuff to horny american women is fine with me. but, the most curious thing i saw that night was the glow in the dark penis that stuck to the wall which you could mount in various places & styles. again, seemed way desperate, but you could always use it in a pinch when your night light burns out or there is a power outage.
one of the party-goes was one of my girls, a purist, who said that she won’t use a vibrator because she thinks “it will diminish her desire for the real thing.” okay, that is absolutely, positively. bullshit. it’s just a substitute to get you through the dry spells or fill in when your orgasm buddy ain’t around. that notion of “diminished desire” is total insecure male propaganda. sometimes you need a quick hit. maybe you just don’t have time or desire for the “real thing.” we are independent, self-serving women these days. you got 10 good fingers & a gross of batteries, you may not need a partner. sometimes we wanna rollover & pass out too. you give yourselves way too much credit for being the only sexual predators. guys, don’t get all whiny & insecure. wah, my tiny, fragile, male ego is hurt. snore. be glad your woman takes control of her situation when you’re not around. shut up and be happy she ain’t bugging when the fucking game is on. we have no issue with your need for solo fulfillment. so, get a fucking grip. expand your gd horizons. if you’re that worried about her alone time, figure out how to make that toy work for you. an orgasm, mechanical or human, is an orgasm. i’m just sayin’…
so after an hour or so of a very professional presentation of the most magnificent display of goops, creams, vibrators, c-rings, gels, stripper glitter, sexay underthings, anal plugs, multi-insertion beads, glow in the dark toys, & commercial lubes, it was time to place our orders. we were offended that there was sales tax. clearly these items are a necessity, but like getting coverage for women’s health care, we will have to lobby congress.
so $187 later, i am eagerly awaiting my shipment, but until then i have old reliable, mr. showerhead. 12 speeds of stress relief in 60 seconds as long as you remember to lock the bathroom door so the kids don’t bust in…
