hey folks! it’s time for the first (of most likely many) gratuitous “my kids say the derndest thangs” post. i share not only because are my kids are totally hysterical without even trying, but writing this kind of post is just too cheap and easy to resist. so without further justification, i bring you some bits from the stand up act i enjoy in my domestic comedy club on a daily basis. the two drink minimum is optional but i comply (strictly as a courtesy to the house).
we were watching a full house episode in which michelle had been given a “time out:”
9 yr old: “who makes a kid sit in a chair facing the wall?”
me: “well, it’s an old show, you know from the 80′s.”
9 yr old: “oh. the 80′s. well, they didn’t have accurate ways of disciplining kids back then.”
6 yr old: “mommy what color do you dye your hair?”
me: ” i don’t dye my hair yet. i don’t get grays. i guess i’m not that old, huh?”
6 yr old: “that doesn’t mean you’re not old. ”
6 yr old giggling: “my teacher told us today we had to use a number two pencil for the tests. a NUMBER TWO!”
me: “umm. well, there really is such a thing.”
6 yr old: “come on, mommy. a number two pencil? that’s just silly”
9 yr old helping 6 yr old with homework: “i am a teacher in training. a T. I. T.”
me: “yah, that’s great, but let’s call it something else.”
9 yr old: “why? did i say a bad word?”
me: “yes. but it’s ok, you didn’t know.”
9 yr old: “well, that is why i need to know all the bad words, mom: so i don’t use them by accident. ”
6yr old: ” well, i know the H.A. word.”
me: “the H. A. word? i am not sure what you mean by that.”
6 yr old: “daddy says it all the time when he’s driving.”
me: “really? what is it?”
6 yr whispering in my ear, “Head Ass.”
me: “what???”
6 yr old still whispering, “daddy always says to the other drivers, ‘get your Head out of your Ass.’ Head Ass.”
me: “ohhh. the H. A. word.”
we eat out a lot and i find it so frustrating to constantly waste money on ordering food the kids insist they want & promise to eat but end up not doing so time after time. this particular night my oldest daughter demanded an order of eda mame which usually go uneaten. we argued back & forth resulting in my agreement to place the order with this caveat: “if you don’t eat them, then you will have to pay me back for them.” a completely ridiculous comment made out of frustration that caused my sister to snicker behind her menu. so the eda mames arrive & my daughter starts shoveling them in like it’s her last meal, and i say “why are you eating like that?” to which she replied,” if i don’t finish these you are going to charge me for them!”
9 yr old: “i have an on/off relationship with crusts.”
me to 9 yr old during power outtage: “stop freaking out your sister.” 9 year old, “i’m not. i just froked myself out.”
my kids came home from their respective valentine’s day parties at school this year, with all kinds of crap about which dentists have nightmares. they sat down to a candy buffet while i was in the other room. when i returned, i came back to see they were cutting fun dip with pixie stix sugar. i guess fun dip has a higher street value? this has to be how addiction starts…
little sister to big sister: “i am going to kick your butt at this game” and then proceeds to literally kick her in the butt. big sister to little sister: “that’s a saying, it doesn’t mean you actually do it!”
9 year old: “mom do, i have to go to [6yr old sister's] gymnastics with you? i hate sitting there for an hour smelling feet.”
my mother was telling me about a class she took at a local community college about carmen, the opera. suddenly, my 6 yr old pipes up and says authoritatively, “grandma , it is not opera, it’s Oprah!”
my 9 year old likes to order a turkey sandwich at our local deli. she also likes to order for herself. so, she asked the waitress for german dressing on the side. the waitress looked at me quizzically, i looked back at her just as confused, and then at the same moment we both realized: she wanted russian dressing.
9 yr old: “why does she [6 yr old sister] get so excited when my friends come over?”
me: “dunno. it’s like how dogs get excited when they see you”
9 yr old: “well, at least, she doesn’t pee on the floor.”
6 yr old upon losing her second bottom tooth: “but i can’t whistle.” me: “could you whistle before your tooth fell out?” 6 yr old: “no.”
at my mom’s house for dinner one night: she fed the girls and then made one of my childhood staples, “franks and beans,” for me. upon learning such, both girls replied in horror: “no mommy! major gas tonight. it’s gonna smell in our room.” a few hours later, my stomach was rumbling & an earthquake was about to roar through my intestines. so, i told to my oldest that she was right about the dinner entree- it probably wasn’t such a good idea, and she said, ” mommy, it’s franks or beans. not both.”
9 yr old: “can i take my ice cream to the tv room?”
me: “no. sit with us and eat so we can all be together.”
grandmother: “tell us your thoughts. are you thinking about anything?”
9 yr old: “yes. i’m thinking that i really want to watch tv.”
grandmother: “do you want me to defrost something for breakfast or make some fresh pancakes?”
9 yr old: “why would i have frozen when i can have fresh? mommy defrosts everything. i am The Frozen Kid.”
9 yr old: “i really want a kitten. so i can raise it until it gets big.”
6 yr old: “don’t you think that will be a lot of work?”
9 yr old: “yes, but it will be worth it for that bundle of joy.”
5 minutes into a rousing game of “who can be quiet the longest” while in the car late-ish one night, 9 year old asks, “can we talk now? not talking makes me nauseous.”
for some reason known only to my dvr, it taped all of one week’s simpsons episodes in spanish. upon hearing me remark how odd that was, 9 year old says, “maybe it’s hispanic week.”
one night i was having a hard time getting the 6yr old to bed. helpful 9 yr old starts making bribes to her sister that i don’t want to have to make good on at a later time. i say to well-meaning older daughter, “just stop.” “stop what?” “stop having ideas.” my sister just looked at me with a smirk and instantly realizing how ridiculous my statement was, i said to her, “you know people are always writing funny things kids say, but really they should be writing about stupid things parents say to their kids.”
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Tags: beans, children, comedy club, dogs, eda mame, facebook, franks, frozen, kids, parents, pencil, simpsons, sister, tooth, two drink minimum, whistle
