June, 2010

one liners- hey it's easy — 4 Comments
27
Jun 10

training weiners

so it’s finally come to this: i can no longer stand the sight of myself naked.

i am trying to lose a few pounds by substituting some meals with those powdered protein shakes. i was worried i wouldn’t like the taste, but it turns out they are delicious once you add the vodka.

i have yet to own a car whose side view mirrors i didn’t scrape against the side of the garage. it must be genetic or we are 1/32 asian, because there has never been one car owned by a woman in my family that does not have white paint marks along the sides. when a new car pulls into the garage for the first time, it’s never a question of if this one will get scraped against the side, but when. this is the core reason of why we lease our cars instead of buy – we need a fresh one after 3 years. did you know those mirrors contain over 76 parts & cost a fortune to repair? and if the mirror gets fully lopped off  – it  will set you back about 600 clams to replace which means you will probably just decide to give up vision on that side completely. of all the brilliant technological advancements in car features, i don’t understand why they can’t put a sensor on the damn mirrors that makes them automatically fold in when you get too close to something. i would gladly pay for it as an upgrade. “ma’am would you like to add the no-depth perception option?” “you had me at no-depth.”

you know that beer commercial where they advertise “drinkability?” that is ridiculous, all liquids by definition are drinkable. now if you tell me you can make a steak drinkable, then i just may be impressed.

i wish i had been born a WASP – it’s my fantasy to be in a family that solves all of its problems by drinking instead of talking.

those awful parents on reality shows have a camera on them at all times and that is the best they can do? what the hell are they like when no one is watching? if i had a camera on me all the time, i would be the best mommy ever.

cutting my finger nails too short makes picking my nose extremely difficult. cutting my toenails too short makes me feel oddly exposed.

the best thing to ever happen to my marriage was the divorce.

more random items found while packing: my original dymo label maker from when i was 10, ashes of my 2 dead cats,  & band aids from my kids’ immunizations (ewwww).

i absolutely love a pack of new white socks. so bright & full of promise. “i am definitely going to keep these white this time. i will bleach them with every washing.” sure.

listen up hong kong phooey, unless you’re an israeli soldier training in krav maga for actual combat, suburban white dudes doing “martial arts,” are a.) wimps who got beaten up as kids and still haven’t gotten over it or  b.) just plain tools. since we don’t live in feudal japan, bowing into your sensei in the produce section is just plain queer & horrifyingly embarrassing to those with you, especially your children. and vegas odds say you will still get your black belt wrapped around your neck while kung fu fighting in an actual street fight. but by all means, try it out & prove me wrong.

so i guess you know the new motorolla backflip commercial really resonates with me: “this just in: a local bachelor age 41 just enrolled in ka-ra-tay.”

i realized i had not been drinking enough water lately – so i started using it as my only mixer.

i plan my showers around not showering: i showered this afternoon, so i wouldn’t have to get up early to shower for work tomorrow. also, i would rather be clean for dinner tonight, than for work tomorrow. see how that works? it’s very calculated – being filthy actually still requires a lot of planning.

i don’t see life through rose colored glasses – they’re pinot noir colored.

out with some friends the other night, i simultaneously burped & farted. my pal said, “all you needed was a snort for the trifecta.” it’s so good to have new goals.

if it seems like i don’t care – you’re right.

at work the other day i was making sure a new can of paint matched the old paint a customer brought in; but the new wet sample had to be dry to be sure it was a perfect match. while i stood over it with the hair dryer, it occurred to me that i was literally watching paint dry.

i heard there is this new trend for women in the workplace called, “makeup free monday.” i am following a trend too, it’s called, “no fucking way anyday.”

so i am seeing a new therapist now. you may know him: Dr. Schmirnoff.

after the 19 total years of the dating, the bad marriage, & the inevitable divorce, i just don’t wanna talk anymore. it’s like the seinfeld episode where jerry asks elaine if she wants to go the diner, and she replies, “i’ll go if i don’t have to talk.”  i may consider marriage again if i don’t have to talk.

i think sleeping with guys who have tiny dicks is okay – but only in your 20′s – you know, as starter penises. training weiners so to speak.

i just learned that carbohydrate addiction can lead to alcoholism which means i am doubly fucked – i like to overindulge in carbs while drinking too much.

i am a pain in the ass, but big boobs make up for a multitude of sins…

women, we must band together to stop LDP: Long Distance Penis. you do not need to travel for dick. you have the vagina: the penis will come to you.

an unanticipated benefit of divorce: you can tell your ex-monster in law that you always thought she was a cunt.

you know the show snapped on the oxygen channel about women who kill their husbands? emmy material in my opinion.

while i am on the subject of women who kill their men and the vicarious thrill these stories provide- i wonder how many were pmsing at that moment when they made that final decision. or was it just after the 400th time she had her pants around her ankles and saw that he left an empty toilet paper roll?

my water tasted odd and then i realized why – no vodka in it.

no wonder why my marriage failed: he was a Type Asshole personality and i was a Type Bitch.

guys want to know why they always have to be the ones to buy the drinks. the answer is simple: those who wear the pants you want to get into get their drinks for free. guys, you are still coming out ahead – literally.

i saw a dude wearing a t-shirt that was from a seafood restaurant that said: Love, Peace & Crabs.  (or was it a cathouse?)  i first read it as Love, Peace & CARBS. it’s my new motto.

so in the paint department, paint rollers are categorized by size and nap. for instance, 9 inch semi-rough, 7 inch semi smooth, 4 inch ultra smooth. do i have to explain why i have a hard time recommending rollers to anybody with a straight face?

the asshat had a tantrum the other morning & removed the access cards from all of the dvrs. my first thought was, i can just watch tv on this new-fangled thing the kids call the internet and that is exactly what i did. but after the girls got home from school, fear set in – what the hell was i going to do without the tv? actually play with my kids? pay attention to them for more than 15 minutes? play, oh the horror of it, games? or worse - barbies? in discussing this latest jackassery with my pal, she said, “he removed the dvr cards? that is just child abuse. he can’t withhold icarly.”

i have realized that you don’t need to be the biggest fish in the pond. you just need to be the smartest fish. plus knowing the right sharks doesn’t hurt.

some people buy their vodka by brand name. some people buy their wine by the country of origin or region. i just look for the highest alcohol content in the cheapest bottle & call it a day.

the way i see it, grapes have 2 options in life: they can be like the caterpillar in the chrysalis & emerge a beautiful new bottle of wine, or they can just stick with the the bunch until the life gets sucked out of them and they become raisins trapped in a tiny box. not that different from women, really.

new bumper sticker: life is too short to date douchebags.

every time i think i want to get back into the dating pool, i dip a toe in and realize it’s not properly chlorinated. kind of like white trash water parks, but dirtier.

so the home stager left a full bottle of wine here as a prop. that lasted 12 hours. i told her to add it o my bill…she has no idea who she is dealing with.

if age is really just a number, then i pick pi.

can anyone explain the scarf over the tank top look  in the summer? there is no way my brain can make this work.

stop asking us to cut & paste your e-chain letter messages about sick children, save an owl day, & missing puppies in our facebook status, instead, put this in your status: support an aspiring brilliant writer who is putting her life back together. subscribe to singlewithvodka.com. it’s a much better cause.  and don’t forget to mention the fan page... (it’s followed mostly by russian mail order brides that have misinterpreted the meaning of single with vodka entirely).

xoxox

yours in vodka,

the gggb

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rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — No Comments
3
Jun 10

trainer boobs

9 year old: “mommy, when you die can i have those earrings great grandma gave you?” me: “umm, sure.” 6 year old: “can i have your sesame street t-shirts, then?”

9 year old told me a story about being with a friend who put some candy in her pocket at a store without paying for it and she said the girl “knew better.” she then continued to tell me that she was displeased with being in that situation and proclaimed, “she can have fun with me, but legally.”

9 year got new glasses today. she put them on & then immediately belted out, “i can see clearly now…”

in the process of packing up the house, the girls discovered several bags of unopened halloween candy i had stashed away for next year (yeah – that’s right, i have no issue handing out stale candy). 9 year old  said with the heartbreaking look of betrayal only a child can portray, “how could you have kept this a secret?”

it occurs to me that while i write about them, i keep telling the girls to leave me alone so i can write about them.

9 year old after arguing with grandmother about heating up leftover pizza: “i do like this pizza warm.” grandmother: “i know. you’re just used to eating everything cold.” me: “ouch.”

my sister is pregnant with twins about which the girls are very excited. there has been much speculation between them as to if it will be 2 girls, 2 boys, or a “set.” should it be “one of each,” 9 year said, “i call the girl.”

me: “after you finish your homework, please clean up your room.” 6 year old: “i can’t – i have other plans for after my homework is done.”

6 year old: “my friend said that her bus driver gives them ice pops in the summer & hot chocolate in the winter. ” me: “i’m not sure the bus driver would do that since so many kids have food allergies.” 9 year old: “no, they can’t. eating is strictly prohibited on the bus. it says so.”

6 year old was trying to wiggle her most recent loose tooth out and i said,  “i am not sure the tooth fairy is prepared for a tooth to fall out tonight.” then 9 year old said: “well. maybe she can give her something homemade – with a paperclip.”

6 year old after overhearing her father on the phone with a client: “daddy, why do you need so many chairs?” father: “what do you mean?” 6 year old: “you said on the phone you needed 2000 chairs.” father (a stockbroker): “that’s shares.”

i painted my nails pink the other night of which my 9 year old took notice and remarked, “it’s been years since i saw anything but a french on your nails.”

9 year old announced, “i am only using this shirt for pajamas from now on. it makes me look like i have boobs.” me: “i thought you wanted boobs -you are completely obsessed with getting them.” 9 y/o: “i am but i want them at the regular age. this shirt makes me looks like i have trainer boobs.”

9 y/o discussing her little crush: “we are meant for each other: we both hate ketchup, we both like honey mustard, we both hate crusts, and we both lie for no reason.”

9 y/o noticing the compact florescent bulbs in the outdoor fixtures: “oh, you used those curly-q light bulbs. now people will know you are green-system.”

grandmother to 6 y/o: “you’re really good at art. you should take lessons. ” 6 y/o “if i’m so good why do i need lessons?”

9 y/o: “something came to my attention.” me: “what’s that.” 9 y/o: “my belly button is all crusty.”

me to 9 y/o: “i can’t believe you’re going to be a fifth grader.” 9 y/o “yeah and then i’ll be middle school. i’ll be shaving in a few years.”

9 y/o: “photo shoot” with grandma’s cat: “now, give me naughty kitty.”

me on phone with 9 y/o: “is the plumber still there?” 9 y/o: ” yes, and i saw his crack.”

9 y/o: “he had a quack in his voice” me: “what?????” 9 y/o: “you know the saying ‘a frog in your throat?’ well, he had a quack.”

our californian cousins came to visit us during memorial day weekend. between the 3 of us we have 5 girls ranging from 15 months to almost 10 years old. hilarity and much squealing ensued:

our cousins got into town late, so we went to their hotel room to visit with them a bit before bedtime. the girls were all so excited to see each other that they got slightly rambunctious. so, i said we all needed to be quiet because people might be sleeping in the other rooms and my 9 year old backed me up by saying, “yeah, you’ll wake the elderly.”

after a particularly messy day with her cousins that involved barefoot activities, 9 year old proclaimed she needed a shower to wash her “blackened feet.” 6 year old asked if she could go in the shower with her and i said it was up to her sister, to which 9 year replied, “sure. God Bless her if she wants to go in with me.”

9 year old needed to take the toothbrush her grandmother keeps at her house for a spontaneous overnight at the hotel with her cousins and when her grandmother said it was no problem, she then said to grandma, “will you be a dear and get it for me?”

my cousin took his daughter & my 9 year old into The Big Apple one of the days to do all sorts of fun things. one of the stops was Dylan’s Candy Bar where my cuz asked her if they should bring back a tequilla lollipop for me as a joke. without skipping a beat she replied, “my mommy likes vodka.”

after dinner with the cousins one night at my mother’s house, we ignored our kids, while three of the girls played in my mother’s large walk in closet and we could hear that they were getting quite rowdy. cuz & i glanced over our wine glasses at my mother to see if we should intervene and she just said, “not my kids.” and we both replied, “not my closet.”

after a day filled with sugar, grandma brought out the cupcakes. 9 year old noticing my displeasure said, “grandma makes trouble.”

at great adventure we all went to the restroom but somehow became separated from my mom and sister and they ended up in different parts of the park after the pit stop. my group wondered how this was so & concluded my mom & sis must have exited the rest rooms a different way than we did, to which 9 year old said, “well, with them, it’s the blind leading the blind.”

my cuz needed to entertain his daughter one day when my girls were with their dad & i was at work. after brainstorming several activities, he chose a local water park i had suggested. i had warned him that the element of people that frequented that particular establishment were a bit “white trashy” and i was sure the carnies, themselves, must go there on vacation. when he came back & i asked him what he thought, he told me, “well, it wasn’t blue collar, it was orange jumpsuit.”

while eating dinner at the park my sister felt something cold on her arm. apparently,  our adorable 3 year cousin decided to rest her cheesestick upon it, to which our aunt, their nana, said, “honey, please don’t put your food on people.”

and adults say funny things too:

i texted my pal that she should google ShaToBu.com – it’s a calorie burning undergarment for chicks. she texted me back: “is that that whacky japanese animation porn? i had roomate who watched it and he was a pig.” i literally LOLed when i read that!

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one liners- hey it's easy — 3 Comments
3
Jun 10

caffeine, booze, & undereye concealer!

the divorce is the first thing my husband and i have agreed upon in the 14 years since we got married.

i’m thinking about hosting a dinner party – my wine rack is empty.

people tell me i look a lot younger than i am – i think vodka may have preservative qualities.

it really troubles me how poorly my family communicates; but i’m not going to say anything…

not only are some days a complete waste of makeup, but they are also a complete waste of contacts.

i am so happy i had 2 girls – i can’t wait until we are all on the rag at the same time.

my kids are seeing a therapist because i prefer to pay someone to listen them bitch about me so i don’t have to.

in these past 3 months, i have been caught in the middle of more than one marital spat over paint colors. so, one day i cheerfully told a particularly angry couple that i get $9.80 per hour to mix paint, but i charge $325 for mediation.

if i don’t call back, don’t take it personally -it’s only because i don’t want to.

not only am i my own worst enemy – but i am my own worst pusher.

i am so organized, my items for curbside bulk collection were all sorted and labeled. i take pride in having the neatest trash in my neighborhood.

self involvement is extremely time consuming.

it’s not really the possibility of catching an std that worries me about sleeping with strangers, it’s more the being found in a hotel room dead and  chopped up into a million tiny pieces. i can just imagine that being explained to the kids: “well, girls, you see, mommy was a bit of a slut…”

when my kids tell me long stories i totally zone out. they never have a point anyway.

how much of a leap is it to make vodka from the decomposing potatoes in my pantry that i keep buying & forgetting i have? it seems such a waste to  throw them out. while we are at it,  what can you make out of onions?

for most women, me included, the supermarket is a major social event. it would really be helpful if they would install chatting & non-chatting aisles.

if you have girls, then motherhood is exactly like school, except the mean girls live with you.

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