the divorce is the first thing my husband and i have agreed upon in the 14 years since we got married.
i’m thinking about hosting a dinner party – my wine rack is empty.
people tell me i look a lot younger than i am – i think vodka may have preservative qualities.
it really troubles me how poorly my family communicates; but i’m not going to say anything…
not only are some days a complete waste of makeup, but they are also a complete waste of contacts.
i am so happy i had 2 girls – i can’t wait until we are all on the rag at the same time.
my kids are seeing a therapist because i prefer to pay someone to listen them bitch about me so i don’t have to.
in these past 3 months, i have been caught in the middle of more than one marital spat over paint colors. so, one day i cheerfully told a particularly angry couple that i get $9.80 per hour to mix paint, but i charge $325 for mediation.
if i don’t call back, don’t take it personally -it’s only because i don’t want to.
not only am i my own worst enemy – but i am my own worst pusher.
i am so organized, my items for curbside bulk collection were all sorted and labeled. i take pride in having the neatest trash in my neighborhood.
self involvement is extremely time consuming.
it’s not really the possibility of catching an std that worries me about sleeping with strangers, it’s more the being found in a hotel room dead and chopped up into a million tiny pieces. i can just imagine that being explained to the kids: “well, girls, you see, mommy was a bit of a slut…”
when my kids tell me long stories i totally zone out. they never have a point anyway.
how much of a leap is it to make vodka from the decomposing potatoes in my pantry that i keep buying & forgetting i have? it seems such a waste to throw them out. while we are at it, what can you make out of onions?
for most women, me included, the supermarket is a major social event. it would really be helpful if they would install chatting & non-chatting aisles.
i may be the only chick who doesn’t give a crap about sex in the city. i guess it’s time to turn in my vagina.
do proponents of same sex marriage realize it will only lead to same sex divorce?
the realtor told me people look through your drawers when they come to see the house. so i asked her if she thought i should move my vibrator collection to the bottom drawer.
i had the most surreal experience at the supermarket check-out the other day: i gave the cashier the empty packages from the items i had grazed upon whilst shopping so she could ring them up and she told me i should have just put the empties back on the shelf so i wouldn’t have had to pay for them. isn’t that the exact opposite of her job description?
i always want to take the high road, but i’m too short.
thinking “outside the box” is passe, i say, think inside the bottle.
when my girls bitch about the dysfunction in our house, i make them watch supernanny or wife swap. suddenly, i’m a prize.
sometimes, even i am shocked by my behavior.
i have mastered sucking in the gut, it’s these goddamn lovehandles that i can’t contain.
at my recent visit to the dentist, i finally came out of the closet and admitted to the hygienist that i rarely, if ever, floss, but i promised to start immediately after this cleaning. then we both laughed hysterically.
it occurs to me that once menopause hits, Hot Mama will have an entirely new & different meaning.
after my mother publicly proclaimed she was the sanest of us all in the family – the very same thought i had concluded about myself -i realized sanity is wholly a matter of perspective.
watching shows on my dvr is liking eating peanut m&m’s or drinking: just one more & then i am done. i swear.
now that i am older & rebuilding my life after a long divorce and have a lot less time, i have no issue sleeping my way up to the top unlike when i was young and appalled by such a notion. now it would just be killing 2 birds with one stone and i am not really sure who would be doing whom the favor anyway.
so otc meds now have warnings about “medicine abuse.” i think alarm clocks should come with a similar warning about “snooze abuse.” once you start its very hard to stop. i have been a life long functional snoozebuser. even my 9 year old builds 20 minutes into her wake up call for snoozing – they start so young these days.
i’m busy packing for the upcoming move: i started with the liquor cabinet.
i had to break up with my boyfriend – turns out his wife wasn’t all that comfortable with him dating.
things found so far while packing up the house: 27 naked barbies (why oh why must they be naked?), 134 lip glosses (actual combined total of my 2 girls’), 15 missing socks & 2 missing gloves (1 glove was mine), a shot glass in my snow boot, the lost & paid for school library book from 2 years ago, 4 baby teeth ( which could belong to anybody), 1 bottle opener in my underwear drawer, 11 keys that fit no lock, 14 usb cables that fit no device, cell phone chargers to every cell phone i have owned since 1993, & lots and lots of double A batteries…to be continued
it is just impossible not to feel like an alcoholic when you leave the liquor store with a bottle in a brown bag.
raising girls means someone will cry everyday and it’s not necessarily always one of them…
it’s true what they say about the apple not falling too far from the tree – i am raising 2 giant bitches.
my girls are tough and question everything. i am left torn between feeling that it’s great to raise girls who will be strong women, but wishing they wouldn’t use it against me.
if i drink wine in anything other than a wine glass, i feel like i have a drinking problem. i dare you to try using a cinderella tumbler and feel differently.
since i discovered ebay, i am less of an impulse buyer and more of an impulse seller.
nothing kills a buzz quicker than having kids.
i decided what i want for my birthday when i turn 40: i want to be 20.
i once believed in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. now, it’s caffeine, booze, & under-eye concealer.
why do all the boys on disney shows have that long girl hair or the i just got caught in a sideways windstorm helmet head? what market research yielded that look?
gravity is the natural enemy of boobs.
some people have coping mechanisms, i have an abuse strategy.
just to keep up appearances, i like to alternate the liquor stores which i visit, lest the staff begin to recognize me.
i date lawyers only to get my legal work done pro boner.
according to the quiz, i am not an alcoholic, but i am an abuser. so that means i don’t need a sponsor, but i could use some supervision.
i don’t see why anybody would be opposed to gay marriage -i am all about equal opportunity misery.
so i have a new realfommercial i plan to pitch to sally hansen: it’s called Guerilla Waxing. i am going to walk around retail establishments with their cold wax strips in my pocket & a camera crew. when i spot a woman with a full mustache, my goons will hold her down & i will force wax her lip. the follow up show would in be in 6-8 weeks, but results may vary.
i may have unintentionally stumbled over the line from abuser to alcoholic the other night: there were no clean wine glasses and rather than wash one, i drank straight out of the bottle. i think i smell an intervention coming on…
have y’all noticed that lately, it’s been far easier for me to pass these one liners off as bona fide blog content than to actually expand upon an entire topic? 
Tags: alarm, barbie, cinderella, contact lenses, dentist, disney, ebay, floss, g supermarket, lawyer, medicine abuse, paint, sally hansen cold wax strips, sex in the city, snooze, therapist, wine rack
Tell me more about the shot glass in your snow boot. got to be a good story.
remember that romantic weekend with the married dude? yeah. that.