i’m developing a new line of washing machines for single women: it will have a sperm setting.
i’m starring in a new reality show called, “revolving door.” guest stars are only on for one episode.
i’m done having babies – i’ve become claustrofetus.
when considering potential dates, i really try not to be shallow, but i’m just not deep enough…
remember the almond joy/mounds commercial? well, i have a similar jingle: “sometimes, i wanna be a slut, sometimes i don’t…”
women truly want to stop fucking assholes, but ask any woman why she does and she will tell you that it’s so hard to let a good penis walk out of your life.
i should have slept my way up while i had the body for it. i would definitely be running something by now.
i can’t decide which was worse: my last hangover or the last dude i slept with, but i can always take aspirin to get rid of the headache.
the amount of patience i have for my kids is directly proportional to my BAC.
saw a police officer forget her car keys at the bank counter. apparently “to serve & protect” does not require a short term memory.
it occurs to me that i am literally being paid to give a shit when i crap at work.
since i moved to the kitchen & bath department, there has been a marked increase in massage shower head sales.
frequently, i am asked which shower head i recommend. this advice obviously differs on the gender of the individual and the intended use…
the cruel irony of the bath aisle, is that i once had to hold my pee for 40 minutes while discussing the features of different toilets.
some guys are just not worth the good lingerie.
my newest bumper sticker: stop me before i sleep with another loser.
do any of those “club” stores sell condoms in bulk? and if so, does anyone want to go halvsies on a membership?
bedtime is when i am pointing my cell phone at the tv to change channels and getting really pissed off that the remote is not working.
i always thought “scifi” was cool, but “syfy” is just douchey.
not only is it hard to find good help, but it’s almost impossible to find a steady lay.
i just don’t trust people who don’t drink. what do they have to hide?
gentlemen: when in a bar and you feel strange boobs in your back, in most cases it translates to, “i think you’re hot.”
if i wanted to date a guy that ignores me, i would have stayed married.
i told a friend the scent of lavender helps me fall asleep (you know – on the nights when i have run out of vodka). she said that it’s also supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men. i said, i thought that was called sex. i have a hard time imagining men need something to lure them into the sack.
sometimes i will sleep with a dude in whom i have no interest in ever seeing again just because i already shaved my legs.
some foods are just naughty: mounds, lays, hohos, ding dongs, snoballs, nutter butters. i love them all.
i once starred in a limited engagement off off off off off breoadway of a modern version of an old classic: goldilocks and the three penises. except i don’t have golden locks and i never did find one that was just right.
greatest compliment i ever received from another woman about my hair: “it’s like porn star hair.”
let me sum up online dating for you: SSDP: same shit different penis.
it’s not even a muffin top anymore – it’s more like a pound cake.
my sister was holding a 1/2 full wine bottle when i was driving us home from dinner one night (yes, even i have to take at turn at being designated). her worry that we could be pulled over was compounded by the knowledge of how vindictive my ex asshat is. i tried to soothe her by saying, “i’ve been taken to court for less.”
it’s official, i am a “cougar.” but, i think the next time i want attention from something needy, i’ll just get a puppy.
one day while unconsciously following a cheesy man around the store, because i tracked his scent like a horny teenage bloodhound, i realized i am still a whore for drakkar noir. i am truly ashamed but i accept there is just nothing i can do change that – i got my chops on it when i came up through the ranks.
i am so thrilled! my sister has asked me to be The Cougar of Honor at her wedding when she gets married.
yes, it is different than the other 20 i already have. so, never come between a woman and her shoes. or her purses. in fact, stay the fuck out of her closet entirely.
i’m sure this has been said numerous times, but i would like to reiterate: a good man is so hard to find, but a hard man is so goooooood to find.
only when i find the man that can make me want to throw away my vibrator and retire the showerhead, will i even begin to consider a second marriage.
i’ve tried several times to quit drinking and men. damed, if i can quit the drinking.
i’m looking for a new couch: i want a fabric that is durable, comfortable, & spooge-resistant.
it turns out i’m a racist – i just won’t date certain ethnicities based on penis size.
fried calamari and sangria: bad idea. fried calamari and sangria before sex: worse idea.
i am not big on fad diets but i found one that really works: The SWV Diet: you supplement all of your carbs with massive quantities of coffee, wine, & vodka. you won’t lose a damn thing, but you won’t give a shit.
qvc has a “purses & shoe” channel. add cats and you have cornered the lonely single woman with considerable disposable income market.
i no longer have rolls. i have loaves.
keep in mind with online dating: the more expensive the site, the higher the grade of asshole.
you know what would really make chicks dig giving blowjobs? magic shell for penises.
when engaging in naughty texts prior to sleeping with someone, remember this law: the sexting is inversely proportional to the actual sex.
when it comes to phone/e-sex, most dudes can talk a great game but can’t deliver on the court. and you can forget overtime.
the problem with discovering a small penis is that it’s just too late when you do.
i’ve fallen and i can’t get off.
why do the guys with the smallest wangs think they are huge? it’s like a penile napolean complex.
before the cleaning service comes, i like to tidy up a bit – lest they find my bra in the couch cushions.
before e-dating, the only impersonal, non confrontational way to dump & humiliate someone was by leaving a message on the ol’ answering machine. now we have texting, voicemails, emails, IMs, facebook, and the logical companion to all of those which is my personal favorite: The Complete Lack Of Response. technology is so life enhancing.
has anyone seen the new “pro-glide” shaving cream commercial for men? it advertises “less tug & pull” and comes with a cream to use for “pre-shaving.” sounds like shaving just got a lot more fun..
if you can’t shake a creepy guy at the bar, tell him you’d love to go home with him now that the valtrex is finally working and you haven’t had an outbreak in months.
the toilet was not working, so i decided to try to fix it myself before calling in for professional reinforcements. i removed the wrong part, caused a geyser, and not only became covered in toilet water, but was in it up to my ankles. after wondering if 911 covers toilet emergencies, i worried that since i had been contaminated by toilet water, only a plumber could now love me.
i wish i had GPS in college – that walk of shame home would have been so much easier to navigate.
i think fantasy sports leagues are just ridiculous. now, a fantasy penis league i could support.
or how about a fantasy shoe league? i’ll trade you the manolos for the vuittons.
in instructing a newbie in proper shower head use, i warned her to start out slow so as not to blow her bean off. it’s my most valuable advice.
fuck me once, shame on you. fuck me twice, now that’s more like it.
what is it about the makeup chick’s brush holster that screams power? she’s like a superhero of makeup sales. she can whip out just the right brush for a blush emergency. i am handy with the beauty implements, but i am sure her powder skills are clearly superior to my technique while wearing that tool belt. or maybe, she’s really a villain, because i end up buying tons of extra shit i never even wanted.
aren’t we all porn stars of our own sex life?
in observing so many out of state & canadian license plates, it occurred to me that the drive-thru line at mcd’s is the UN of fast food.
it’s a penis buffet out there when you’re single: so much to sample, you can go back as many times as you want, it takes a lot to get full, there is always dessert, but you rarely get your money’s worth.
men are like bottles of vodka: it’s always good to keep a few extra in reserve in case of a dry spell.
sex is like pizza: even when it’s not that great, it’s still pretty good and it’s always perfect for breakfast.
all i want is to find is the gomez to my morticia.
so i gave in and got a kitten for the girls. i named her Divorce Guilt, D.G. for short, but the kids call her Peanut. i like my name better.
isn’t it unnerving to know that at any given moment, tons of women are walking around bleeding heavily and some of them just tried on that same pair of jeans?
i told my friend that she should come stay with me on my free nights so i wouldn’t be tempted to go out & carouse. she said she didn’t realize it was that bad. i told her, that at the rate i’m going, i’m going to end up pregnant or in a clinical trial…
i am out of vodka and i can’t go out. where is that damn st. bernard when you need it?
if you want to know exactly what my marriage was like, when you have some free time, watch the my morning straightjacket episode of american dad.
brilliant things my friends have said that i seriously considered passing off as my own:
“you know it’s an affair gone wrong when your bikini wax cost more than the motel room.”
“i speak guido.”
“say hello to my little bean.”
“important ratios: tooth to gum, tit to ass, dick to ball.”
“monogamy = monotony.”
“the one night stand exists because women allow it to.”
“the bigger the diamond, the more doomed the marriage.”
“tampons & chocolate should be sold in a combo pack.”
“the only thing a second marriage has going for it, is a second divorce.”
“i finally realized why i love my car lease. unlike my 3 year marriage, i will return it with no hassle, never have to see it again, and can upgrade to a better model.”
amen sistas.
