i left the bar alone last night, but it’s okay, because i rubbed heartily against a lot of dudes on my way out.
ugly people grinding on the dance floor is like a car wreck – i just can’t not watch.
a guy i once dated told me that he thinks it’s important that i still go out with the girls and have fun. i agreed, except by girls, i meant other men, and by fun, i meant sex with them.
my earring fell out into my lap during dinner -thank god my camel toe caught it.
i want to be more disciplined, but i lack the will power to do anything about it.
i was at a bar with 3 other divorced chicks where there was a bachelorette party in progress – we bought that bitch a drink and made a pact not to spoil the ending.
no matter how much i do in a free weekend, if i don’t have sex, it just seems wasted.
i was out at a packed club the other night and i knew i was comfortable with my age when i decided i would rather go home than wait on line to pee… ever again.
there is laziness & complete slothdom. lazy is sitting on the couch in front of the tv all day. sloth is not wanting to get up off the couch to get laid.
my new friend, tania, summed up the appeal of 20 year olds: they are shiny on the outside.
i once dated a guy who was as hot as he was dumb -he asked me what state delaware was in. i was forced to break up with him immediately.
so, i’m now dating man who told me he won’t date women that don’t drink. sigh, i think he could be The One.
turning the clocks back gave me an extra hour to get to the liquor store.
dana: “what’s that smell?”
me: “i don’t smell anything.”
dana: “did you fart?”
me: “no. i always tell you. besides i wouldn’t do that in a restaurant!”
dana: “yes, you would! who are you kidding?”
me: “true.”
i think the fact that it’s nearly impossible to get a cork back in a bottle of wine means you’re supposed to just drink the whole damn thing.
driving home the other night, i found myself behind an ambulance. this, in of itself, is not so unusual, what was strange was that the “cabin light” was on & i could clearly see the occupant. i was literally making eye contact with some dude on a stretcher while the attendant sat behind him reading a magazine. try as i might, traffic would not permit my escape from behind it. it was quite uncomfortable to say the least, but i was grateful to be on the outside looking in for once.
guys always want to know, “what is your favorite position?” duh, watching tv on the couch with a drink.
women say they appreciate a man who doesn’t try to have sex with them on the first date. quite frankly, i would find it to be an insult if he didn’t at least offer.
it turns out, it wasn’t just the ex – i really don’t give a shit how anybody’s day was.
remember how your parents always said that they didn’t have a favorite? well, that was complete bullshit.
i love a man in uniform, so i was looking forward to a date with a guy that used to be in the military, but it turned out he was in the navy. of all the uniforms, that one is not remotely sexy unless you are a gay man and into the village people. in fact, if should things progress, i requested that he never put it on for me.
how do you tell someone politely that you are way out of their league?
i like that the advice my friends give me when i go on first dates is not, “have fun,” or “be careful,” – it’s “keep your pants on this time.”
do you think the irony of consumer reports how to clean anything, how clean is your house?, the queen of clean’s cleaning guide, good housekeeping’s stain rescue, & the field guide to stains, sitting on the dusty bookshelf in the laundry room is lost on my cleaning women?
what kind of woman doesn’t wear underwear on a first date? the fun kind.
texting can be a great way to get to know someone initially, but i have realized the hard way, you can’t smell bad breath via cell phone even if it is a full qwerty…
there are different types of cleavage women employ according to the occasion: Business/Work cleavage which just barely hints at sexiness and may land you that promotion or help you finally close that big deal, School Cleavage which is very minimal unless you want to sleep with the teacher, Date Cleavage which is practically necessary and self explanatory, and Seeing My Divorce Lawyer Full-On Erin Brockovich Cleavage which is wildly inappropriate and never actually does get the bill reduced – but, hey, a sista gotta try.
three shows i currently dvr which are fast becoming faves: the new adventures of old christine, 30 rock, and two and a half men – all shows about people who sleep around, drink too much and don’t give a shit.
i’m tired of my kids asking me to play with them – i don’t ask them to mix me drinks.
finding decent men to date isn’t hard – finding hard men that are decent is…
i try to be diplomatic when getting rid of men after a date or 2- just the other day i used the ol’ “It’s Not You, It’s Me” routine instead of telling him the real reason i never wanted to see him again – i suspected i have taken shits bigger than his penis.
why are all the right penises attached to the wrong men?
i’ve invented a sex substitute called “i can’t believe it’s not better.”
so, dana met this guy, but they didn’t really click – so she wanted to set me up with him – is it that tough to meet people out there that we need to recycle?
and speaking of meeting other people’s rejected dates – i have never really been a hand-me-down type of girl, do i want to start now? in this arena?
so, my new bf asked me to call him after i “put my kids down.” i told him i was putting them to bed, not taking them to the vet.
ladies, i don’t understand the concept of “waiting” to sleep with someone when you’re middle-aged. what the hell are you saving it for? you haven’t been a virgin for decades and what if the actual sex is terrible? then you wasted all of that time dating when you could have been sleeping with someone better.
in talking to someone new, he wanted to know if i had any questions for him. i really only had one and it i told him there was only one way to find out…
i will do most anything if drinks will be served.
some days it is better to look clean than to be clean.
i think tonight is the night i finally solve the big mystery: boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs?
a friend characterized my last post as “somewhat sunny.” to be honest: i was slightly offended.
some women rate the worthiness of their dates on the restaurant he choses, the conversation, the man’s manners, the car he drives, the perceived size of his wallet, and the like. i rate it based on whether of not i thought it was worth the makeup, contacts, and shaving my legs.
and while we are on that subject, many women will not shave their legs on a first date as a “sex preventative.” i have employed this tactic and i just ended up having sex with hairy legs…
it was just time to tell the kids: i’m not The Fun One.
anything is possible…with alcohol.
all is fair in love and booty calls.
why are intelligence & looks generally inversely proportionate?
i woke up on the wrong side of the dick this morning…
is it wrong to ask a one night stand to take the trash out when he leaves?
sleepovers are greatly overrated: unless you’re making me breakfast or, at the very least, having me for it, i don’t need to see you in the morning.
conversation at work:
co-worker: “so where do you have sex with your dates? don’t tell me you do it in the car.”
me horrified. “never! i may be a slut but i am a classy slut.”
i have learned that younger men are just idiots in training.
so i went food shopping with my boss today. i’m sure it crosses some type of line but i doubt there is anything in the HR manual about it…
wow, i have really grown as a person since i began dating – after my last few dates, i have realized i can’t just drink everyone fuckable as i previously thought. sigh, the end of an era…
my co-worker gave me some fabulous clothes that no longer fit her, for which i was most grateful; and i can’t tell you what an absolute boost to the ego it is to fit into someone else’s fat pants.
one of the benefits of dating beneath you, is that the dude immediately realizes he has hit the jackpot, hangs on for dear life, and worships you blindly.
i don’t want the upper hand in a relationship – i just want a stiff dick.
i always answer the door holding my pussy – well, he is an indoor cat. come to think of it, so is mine…
in this life you get what you give. i give a lot of blow jobs.
“lick me, stick me, and go home.” i doubt this is my original material but i’m having it needle-pointed on a sampler to hang over my bed.
most men are surprised at how welcoming, soft, & friendly my pussy is. you know, he really is a great cat.
and if my pussy likes you – you’re in..literally – animals are great judges of character.
it was going to be our third date and the dude had to work late so i told him to just come to my place for a drink. but i wondered, what does one wear to a date in her family room? that is normally where i am taking my clothes off.
people think i am so much more interested in them than i really am – i can’t help it, i get to talking, and my natural bullshit gene kicks in.
gaydar is nice, but i have laydar. i can always spot the sure thing as soon as i walk into a room. of course, usually it’s me.
i’m really over the showering together thing unless he’s going to clean it afterward.
i drink a lot of those enriched waters to be healthy – my favorite is the vodka flavored…
i decided to keep my pants on tonight…i am so ashamed.
you can drop by anytime, but there is a two fuck minimum before you leave.
the sex with my new bf is so good, we don’t need a towel to mop up the wet spot- we need a wet vac.
we have decided to base our relationship on lies – to other people.
i will fuck you silly and let you completely violate me on the first date – but i absolutely draw the line at being friends on facebook.
if i’m not ready when my date comes to pick me up, i tell him to just hang out on the couch and play with my pussy – the kitten never gets tired of it and these pussy jokes certainly never get old.
hey dana, seriously, thank you. 
if you dig this blog, then dig it on facebook too! c’mon my ego needs you to.
