December, 2010

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
19
Dec 10

The Freshman 15

i have hit another huge milestone since the divorce: i got my first set of junk mail labels with my new last name.

people are surprised how soft & silky my pussy is – well, i do brush him every day.

you know what is total BS? having a middle aged body with teen-aged skin. i hope clearasil makes a wrinkle cream.

my pussy is getting such a thick coat of fur – he must be preparing for the winter.

mimes & ventriloquists: if they all suddenly disappeared & never returned, i doubt anyone would really care.

dana: my son needs pictures of things that start with “W.” is a wine bottle inappropriate?

i am starting to think having a pussy is more trouble that it’s worth – he is destroying my house.

long live grapes and batteries.

i am converting to a new religion: Born Again Bitches. the church choir will be called The Sisterhood of the Traveling Tampon.

people always ask if i decide to get remarried, will i want more kids. more kids? i’m not sure i even want the ones i already have.

it may be time to upgrade the shower massager to a power washer…

carpe dickem! seize the dick.

i don’t need a full brazillian since i just want my ass crack waxed. what would that be? a grecian?

i’m working on a  divorce recovery program: basically it involves a lot of drinking, some minor pill popping, and a ton of meaningless sex with strangers. I am calling it My 20′s.

when it comes to blow jobs there are 2 kinds of women besides swallowers and spiters: the generous & the stingy. the generous are happy to do it any time for anyone and don’t mind their head being pushed into a strange crotch. the stingy think it’s a special gift to be doled out at their whim that better be gratefully received and never actually requested. food for thought…

you know what having the first fight means? having the first make-up sex.

i totally misconstrued the meaning of The Freshman 15 – i thought it was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with the first semester.

you are not truly on a budget until you are buying 1 ply toilet paper.

seen on the back of a dump truck on my way into work this morning: “our goal is to fill your hole.” well, why didn’t you say so, earlier?

i think it’s time to get my rug cleaned. come to think if it, the carpets could use a shampoo too.

do not get the “mexican blend” coffee at wawa – it’s a scam – there is absolutely no tequilla in it.

all men think they are bobby flay on the grill and ron jeremy in the bedroom.

college kids today have so many advantages we didn’t – i can only imagine how much more enriching my educational experience would have been with cell phones, the internet, and gift cards.

it’s really important to eat enough fruit & vegetables -  so i have  2-5 servings of orange, raspberry, & lemon vodka a day.

do you think the percentage of couples that break up after jan 1 is equal to the percentage that start dating october 1st?

if you can send your dog to obedience school, then why not your man? who’s a good boy? yes, you are! you’re my good boy!

and what about bringing him to the kennel, for that matter, when you need a vacation?

men, can’t live with ‘em, can’t lick your own pussy.

pussies rub themselves to get their scent on everything & claim ownership. that’s one of the things you have to put up with when you own a cat…or a woman.

ho, ho, ho? well, no wonder why santa is so merry.

you better not spit, you better get plowed. santa balls is coming to town.

if you fart in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it still smell?

so i told my bf he could come in my back door anytime – i gave him the spare key.

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rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — No Comments
10
Dec 10

7: i have a life

10 y/o, “mom,  look- a commercial about bloating.”

7 y/o: we’re booooorrrrreeeeed. what should we play?” “how about laundromat?” “7 y/o: “what’s that?” me:” it’s really fun – you get to fold your own laundry.” 10 y/o, “i’ll pass.”

7 y/o: “mom, can we watch tv after grandma leaves?” “yes.” “ok, i’ll get the tv ready.”

when we first got our kitten, we weren’t sure of the sex (it’s a boy), and this conversation ensued:

10 y/o: “i think it’s a girl.”

me: “how can you tell?”

10 y/o: “she just looks like a girl.”

me: “how so?”

10 y/o: “in her eyes.”

me: “her eyes?”

10 y/o: “yes. they sparkle. they say girl.”

me to 10 y/o: “you just like the attention.” 10 y/o: “oh, you know i do.”

10 y/o’s tooth fell out at school and she  came home with it wrapped in a napkin. when she went to throw it out, i said, “no, don’t throw it out, i will give it to the tooth fairy. ” she rolled her eyes at me & said, “oh, where will that be? the garbage?”

i was really looking forward to a day off from work and school to spend with my girls until this announcement was made in unison: “we are going to be playing now. so, find something else to do.”

10 y/o gets confused between chinese and japanese people & their cultures. this was magnified when she went as a geisha for halloween and kept calling it a “chinese costume.” after correcting her several times, she finally said to me, “i can’t tell the people apart but i know their food.”

10 y/o to 7 y/o: “hurry up. you’re as slow as grandma!”

grandma: “hey!”

girls were playing “littlest pet shop” and 10 y/o as the turtle said, “i don’t eat meat. i’m veggeturtle.”

group of 10 y/o olds discussing the movie Freaky Friday: “i saw the old one. it had typewriters.” “ewwwww. that’s gross.”

7 y/o: “okay everybody follow me. make a vertical line.”

10 y/o “the kitten just made a defensive fart. maybe i should learn how to do that.”

10 y/o: ” i hate her.” me: “hate is such a strong word.” 10 y/o: “fine. i strongly, crudely, dislike her.”

me to 10 y/o: “get out of here & go play with your sister.” 10 y/o: “no she is boring.” 7y/o: “i am not! i’m not old  & i don’t play bingo!”

7 y/o: “mommy, mommy come quick! there’s a deer in the backyard. he’s looking right at me.”

me: “yes, i think he hears us through the glass. they have really sensitive hearing.”

7 y/o: “i think deer like to eavesdrop.”

me to 10 y/o: “what are you saving all that stuff for? life is short, use it now, enjoy!”

10 y/o wrote a story & read it to us. 7 y/o then wrote one almost identical. 10 y/o said, “hey, that’s exactly what i wrote.” i said, “well, it’s cute. she wants to be just like you. it’s flattering.” to which 10 y/o responded: “it’s not cute when she’s plagiarizing my work.”

7 y/o: “yeah, you’ll end up like mommy – never using your things and then selling them on ebay.”

me to 10 y/o: “come, play with us.”

7 y/o: “no. i have tv to watch.. it won’t watch itself, you know.”

10 y/o: “the 3 R’s are Responsible, Respect, Record.” me: “Record? like on the DVR?” 10 y/o: “yes!”

7 y/o discussing her new gmail account with her grandmother: “it’s a good way to connect with people.”

10 y/o wanted to wear my pajama bottoms and then stopped in the midst of putting them to ask, “are these the ones you had your period in?”

10 y/o calling from shower, “tonight, i’m going to rinse and repeat.”

me to kitten: “hey little kitty, ” 7 y/o: “hey, little mommy.”

me to 7 y/o: “what exactly is The Turkey Trot?” 7 y/o: ” i think it’s an optical course.”

me to 10 y/o, “so did you get your phone fixed and it’s working now?” “yes.” “so, you’ll text me this weekend?” “yes, but don’t expect whole chats – i have a life.”

10 y/o: “dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, i made you out of plastic from somewhere in indonesia.”

grandma: “so do you like these cookies?” 10 y/o: “not really. what’s in them?” grandma: “fiber one cereal, peanut butter, &  semi-sweet chocolate.” 10y/o, “i sensed they were healthy.”

10y/o dropped some candy: “oh no! jelly bean down!”

7 y/o: “this picture is inappropriate, it shows her boob line.”

me: “you know, you’ll have boobs one day.”

7 y/o: “but, i don’t want those jiggly things!”

me to 10 y/0: “want me to clip your nails for you?” “no, i like clipping my nails myself. it’s a sense of accomplishment.”

10 y/o: “i showed the boys on the bus pictures of my kitty”

me: “i never want to hear that again.”

10 y/o: “?”


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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
8
Dec 10

postcards from the ex

i judge the quality of my workouts by the amount off ass crack sweat produced.

anyone can have a self-cleaning pussy – get a cat.

remember postcards from the edge? well i’m doing postcards from the ex. the top seller so far is:  “glad you’re not here.”

popcorn smells equally as good popping as bad as it does when burned.

i’m not very religious, but i do like to say a little prayer before bed:

now i lay me down to sleep,

most of the stuff i got to keep.

should the ex die ‘fore i wake,

i pray for the rest of his shit to take.

my friend likes to mix raspberry stoli w club. i prefer xanax.

my pussy is vicious – he bit me.

my boyfriend really knows how to push my buttons – thank goodness.

i’m writing a christmas porno: yes vagina, there is a santa cock.

and a new chanukah song too:

dildo, dildo, dildo, i made you out of glass.

when you’re good and ready, i shall stick you up his ass.

oh, dildo, dildo, dildo. i made you out of clay.

now that’s one game of dreidel i’d surely like to play.

you only get one chance at, “i’m not crazy.”

do you think when the dunkin’ donuts guy gets home he tell his wife: “it’s time to fuck the donuts?”

me to a gf discussing sex toys: “you can’t bust out a used cock ring with a new guy. that’s the kind of thing that needs to be fresh out of the wrapper.”

me: “how is your sister?”

dana: “she’s been pumping and she’s happy she has been getting some milk out.”

me: “that’s good. i’m glad she’s getting some.”

dana: ” yes, now we are all getting some.”

this week of 1/2 days at school is killing me – it’s completely fucking up happy hour.

the snooze button is only fun when you’re the one pressing it.

you are so cute when you think i care.

wisdom from the BFFA: “there is a time and a place to shave your balls; and the morning is not it.”

my aunt flo is such a bloody cunt.

i love my little pussy and so does my bf.  i am so glad i got that kitten.

BFFA: “is great sex the only reason to have a relationship?”

me: “no, not the only reason…but a really good one.”

i was once an outside salesperson, so i appreciate this Tale From The Road a friend recently shared with me:

“first of all, i get to the house and it was not there. there was an empty lot. after many calls to find out where she is, i finally get in touch with the customer and she says, ‘i’m glad you called because i am bleeding from my rectum. so, i think i should cancel my appointment. do you think i should call 911?”

you can not make that shit up!

dana: “i’m going to have a liquor free night.”

me: “i have heard of those, but i thought it was urban legend.”

well, the circle of life is complete: my kids have made fun of my old photos just as i did to my parents.

as i get older, the men i lust after get younger.

the traditional rhyme for the second marriage: something muscled, something smooth, something wealthy, with a clue.

some say, the first time for love, the second for money. i say the first time for money and second for love and you are stylin’ for your midlife crisis.

i just witnessed two grown men do a secret handshake at the gym. unless you are starring in a sitcom when you do this, you are jackass.

after watching ellen, i hope it’s not that we are so inept as a society that we really need talk show hosts to have celebrity chefs show us how to make hot cocoa, and that it’s just desperation for content.

me & BFFA discussing relationships:

me: “men are just generally idiots.”

BFFA: “i’m not.”

me: “of course not, honey. you’re the exception.”

remember, looks are not important – only being able to drink someone attractive enough is.

what i hate most about going to the gym is the dreaded Uniboob Phenomenon induced by the sports bra.

there are so many weight loss cleanses on the market today, but i found one that was successful: The Vodka Cleanse. for maximum results, you must follow a low fat diet, drink a lot of water, and engage in 60 minutes of “cardio” every day with a young, hot personal trainer.

i was on the social security website and there was a link that said: “special instructions for people who are blind.” ummm…helloooo?

how about this sign right outside the gym door: “please do not smoke by the entrance.” i think it should just say, “if you are going to smoke here, please don’t have a heart attack on the treadmill.”

it’s 11pm: do you know where your vodka is?

one day after changing the water, i filled the fish bowl all the way to the tippy top because the cat likes to drink out of it. the next morning my 10 y/o discovered the fish lying dead on the table because it had apparently committed hari kari, but she blamed the cat. i found out later that betas are prone to jumping out of the bowl if the water is too high. i had no issue with still letting the kitten take the rap.

i want a sex GPS: “in .5 seconds, stroke here, at the next turn, lick for 10 minutes” you could choose a sexy voice, set it exactly for the proper spot, make it partner specific or put it on auto-pilot and never be worried about getting lost and missing an orgasm again.

i love how my pussy smells after my bf leaves- the cat always has his cologne all over him.

some pussies have long hair, some short, but i prefer the completely hairless  – the sphynx breed.

if i ever got remarried i’d have a modern version of wedding vows:

do you promise to keep your weight within plus or minus 5 pounds of today’s number? will you always replace the toilet paper roll and leave the seat down? will you keep the floor free of your dirty undies and never turn into a disgusting slovenly pig? will you never eat the leftovers without asking? will you take out the fucking garbage without being asked, change light bulbs as needed, and not expect for a pat on the back when you empty the dishwasher? do you promise to set boundaries with your mother?  do you promise not to fight dirty and never take me for granted?  and in exchange, i  will promise not to pms like a banshee, never turn him down for sex, never get fat, shave every day, always keep the house bar properly stocked, and never let my true inner bitch completely loose.

BFFA pondered: “does the hair on your balls grow as fast as the hair on your head?” me: “let’s not find out.”

dana giving me relationship advice: “i love you so much and you know that, but you’re being an asshole. so stop it.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
5
Dec 10

The Fighting Vaginas

me to dana: “that is such good news – i’ll drink to that… no, really, i will.”

BFFA: “do you swing?”

me: ” i never have , but i’m not opposed to it.”

BFFA: “see, this is why i love you,”

the BFFA & i have just passed an important milestone in our relationship – our first menstrual cycle together.

i am really worried i am one vodka tonic away from hooking up with a chick.

adult cereal should have adult prizes like mini bottles of booze, a sleeve of vicodin, a shot glass, The Bullet, or 2 double a batteries.

during my senior year of college, i was all set to go to grad school to become a psychologist and then i realized something really important: i really don’t give a shit about other people’s problems.

mikey w. “the new chick canceled on me for tonight. should i try to get last night’s chick to blow me?”

me: “you could or maybe you could let your dick dry out for one night.”

the BFFA’s bday is before mine which means i have to set the birthday celebration bar. naturally, it will be extremely high, expensive, & excessive.

three things i will never do myself: clean my house, paint my toenails, and put air in my tires.

i don’t understand how can i be turning 40 this year when i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination.

me: “i promise to behave.”

BBFA: “according to who’s standards? yours are pretty low.”

richard simmons may sweat to the oldies, but i sweat to the hotties.

BBFA: “you’re still bitter about your divorce.”

me: “not at all. i am thrilled about the divorce-  it’s the 17 years that preceded it that i am bitter about.”

i am so laid back because i lay back…

fall is here – make sure you clean your yard and and trim that hedge.

BFFA: “that’s why i like you – you get all my jokes and think they are funny.”

me: “so, you’re just using me for my comedy?”

BFFA: “no, i am using you for your body.”

me: “oh. okay, then.”

i think one of the secrets to maintaining a lasting relationship is proper personal grooming: it’s hard to say “i love you” with a pubic hair stuck to the back of your throat.

i am so excited about being an aunt that i have decided to pay for my nephews’ education – they can go to the best bartending school in the country and i will even personally set them up with apprenticeships when they graduate.

BFFA: “at what age can you stop shaving your balls?”

me: “when you stop wanting blow jobs.”

lor on dating: “new relationships are like crack in the beginning, but eventually the negatives come out. it can’t be orgasms all the time.”

if you are an adult man wearing a backpack it’d better be for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. you are “special.” 2. you lost your sherpa. otherwise, you are just really creepy.

BFFA: “do you recycle?”

me: “only my men.”

it never fails, i always leave something behind when i jet the next morning -  my self respect.

i’m convinced the scale at the gym is rigged to make you think you’re heavier than you are so you will never let your membership expire.

BFFA: “is that all you want from me – sex?”

me: “pretty much.”

BFFA: ” i am the chick here.”

mikey w: “i’m 38.  finding a woman my age without kids is like finding a fucking unicorn.”

my pussy totally smells like tuna – well,  i ran out of cat food and i had to feed him something.

i think i will start my own female football team. i will call it The Fighting Vaginas. the team color will be red and the mascot will be a giant tampon.

the next bitch who comes into the bathroom at work and says, “full house!” is getting nailed with the stall door.

have vodka will travel

the nephews are really cute – i’m looking forward to all of their developmental milestones like crawling, walking, &  mixing drinks.

one of my pre-set stations on my car radio turned into a country music station overnight. shouldn’t they have to give you 2 weeks notice?

me: “come to my place tomorrow. p. nut would love to see you.”

BFFA: “it’s always about your pussy, isn’t it?”

no matter how hard you scrub the next day, you ain’t gettin’ off the stank of regret.

if you’re gonna cook in my kitchen, make sure you preheat my oven.

love means never having to say, ‘”where are my pants?’

you don’t feeling like shaving? that’s ok. i don’t feel like waxing my mustache.

send me home sore or don’t bother.

i never stand on ceremony – unless it will make me appear taller.

i like those memory foam mattresses, but i wonder if they leave evidence. like will it remember me the next time i come over or worse – have the impression of some others chick’s body on it?

vets could really increase revenue by doing a twofer special: bring your pet in to be fixed, get your husband done for free.

among the fondest memories of my childhood, was the time i discovered the speeds on the shower massager had little do with showering and much more to do with massaging.

shame is like the stench after being sprayed by a skunk – you can try all sorts of things to get rid of it, but it generally just has to wear off in it’s own time.

true story: in the restroom at the 2o year HS renuinon,  i ran into one of the snotty twats from hs who still wouldn’t say hello, so i told her that she is still a bitch.

one of the best days of my life was june 21, 2009: not only were the divorce papers signed and the asshat moved out, but i called my ex-monster-in law a cunt to her face. twice.

BFFA: “i’m not wearing a belt.”

me: “i’m not wearing underwear.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
2
Dec 10

BBFA

spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…

life is all about setting boundaries and learning to  just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.

every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.

well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.

BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?

i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.

i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i  just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”

i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.

i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.

mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”

i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.

i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….

the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk”  isn’t a mood.

regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.

after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.

when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.

one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.

hey jamie, you’re in the blog.

i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?

i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?

actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…

i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…

i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.

recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”

in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.

i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.

and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.

we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”

i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.

after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”

my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.

the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.

me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”

dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?

i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.

is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?

i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.

debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”

at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:

loreen: “who’s that?!”

me: “that’s don.”

loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”

me: “yes he does. you can have him.”

upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”

me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”

of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…

i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.

judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.

and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?

are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?

and to all the ladies at work:  do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.

what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”

what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”

BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”

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