spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…
life is all about setting boundaries and learning to just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.
every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.
well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.
BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?
i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.
i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”
i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.
i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.
mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”
i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.
i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….
the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk” isn’t a mood.
regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.
after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.
when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.
one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.
hey jamie, you’re in the blog.
i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?
i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?
actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…
i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…
i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.
recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”
in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.
i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.
and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.
we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”
i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.
after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”
my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.
the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.
me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”
dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?
i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.
is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?
i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.
debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”
at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:
loreen: “who’s that?!”
me: “that’s don.”
loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”
me: “yes he does. you can have him.”
upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”
me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”
of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…
i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.
judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.
and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?
are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?
and to all the ladies at work: do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.
what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”
what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”
BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”
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Tags: batteries, cat, coffee, keuring, marathon, mattress, meatballs, mood ring, personal wipes, pods, restroom, st. joseph, vodka
