single with vodkagood girl gone bad

so, where has the gggb been since march? well, i would love to tell you that i secured a lucrative mutli-book deal, or i am now writing a syndicated column, or that my blog is being made into an HBO series which will then lead to several movies, or that i’m the head writer of my own sit-com on a major network, but the truth is, i just got plain busy and sucked into my own chaos. in the last few months i sold my house, packed it up, dealt with a ton of last minute fuck yous in the selling process which were perfectly in tune with the nasty divorce proceeding it, turned 40, weathered the second anniversary of my father’s death, bought a new place, moved, and had a whirlwind romance. and since i had to do all that shit alone (well, other than the romance part of it), somewhere along the way i didn’t make time for the blog, my dear fans – all ten of you. it’s been a tiresome and long road full of pitfalls lined with booby-traps, but now that i have finally arrived at one of the main destinations on this crazy train, it has inspired much reflection. and i warn you now, it’s a poorly organized, rambling, and random reflection devoid of proper transitions and full of deliciously run-on sentences like this one…

you know, no little girl dreams of the perfect wedding day being followed in 14 years by the perfect divorce day, so understandably, no matter how much i wanted the split and came to accept it, it’s still been a lot to deal with and adjust to. on top of that, i had to face turning 40, (i am still not quite sure how that happened) which actually seemed a lot worse looking toward it from 39 when i was so unsettled and in month 21 of a very nasty divorce. but, in reality, my 40th birthday found me in a great place – the divorce was close to a year behind me, i was almost in my own home, and it was spent with someone very special. it was actually the best birthday i ever had. i remembered back to my 35th, when i made the life altering decision to change my path. i had looked at myself and how miserable i was trapped in a loveless marriage and decided i either had to make a plan for liberation or just stay until i died and try to eek out some happiness somewhere and absolutely stop complaining about it. however, i decided i had OLTL, and i had get out with the goal of being happily settled into a new life by the time i was 40. and that is exactly what i did. so, other than the terror of knowing my life is most likely half over, that i have wasted much of it with poor decisions, and now it’s just downhill physically from here, i still have a lot for which to be extremely thankful. so far, part II of The Book of Sue is a great read. and of course, it doesn’t hurt that i still look pdf (prettay damn fiyne )

so about the moving part – you see, i have never ever lived alone – i went from my parents’ home to living in tiny spaces with bitchy roommates (sometimes i was the bitchy roommate), then back to my parents’ home, and then to living with my boyfriend, turned fiancee, turned husband and kids. so this is a huge bfd. the first weekend after i moved into my new home (which i love, love, love with a territoriality matched only by a mountain lioness for her cubs, and fills with me great joy every minute i am in it, and when i’m not in it, i’m looking forward to going back to it), my mother and my sister helped me unpack my clothes, we had so much fun, laughing, mostly as the expense of my wardrobe (“no really. it looks good on…”), and i realized it was the first time the three of us laughed together since my dad died. and i love being Head of Household (i get to file that on my taxes now): every decision to be made is mine alone. if there is underwear on the floor it’s my underwear. if there is dirt on the floor, it’s my dirt. everything is how i want if from the placement of the couch to the setting on the thermostat. the leftovers are always there in the morning and my shit is wherever i left it the night before. if it gets messy, it because i let it get that way. right now, i can not imagine sharing this space. i run a very tight housekeeping ship -my kids know they are lucky i even let them stay here.

and once i got physical space, i realized i needed mental and emotional space. while embracing my cliched rebellious slut alter ego the past few years, i had also become a text whore – i wanted texting attention 24/7. but now i see it was at the expense of having real relationships. i think i was hiding behind all that e-chatter because while i desired the human interaction, i was still so broken inside that i wanted to keep people at a comfortable distance. it made sense, that since i had become so utterly withdrawn and marooned during the marriage, i had to be reintroduced into society slowly. and fittingly, my marriage along with other relationships ultimately lived and died by the text. but i see now, all that texting was just a way to distract myself from my life and avoid adult relationships. and the immense amount of energy it required, became a drain on me and a distraction from my life and children.

being in a long bad marriage can really fuck a girl up for future relationships, but finally a lightbulb moment after the last recent breakup occurred: i realized i have never given myself a chance to Just Be since this all began. to  just sit and be quiet and think and revel in my singleness. look at what i survived and how i how survived it and see that i really did come out of it stronger and better. really figure out who i am, what i want, and to be clear about it, and then to follow that path and respect myself in the process. really think about why i choose whom i do to become friends with and date. why i become friends with people so quickly, trust way too soon, and fall in and out of love so easily. why i can be madly in love one day and walk away the next. why i am living so unconsciously like a hamster on a wheel or a rat in a maze repeating patterns time and time again. and to see that what it is i am hiding from, is, most likely, myself.

so much of who you are with in life, in my opinion, is due to timing and proximity – you can marry the wrong person at the right time or you can break up with the right person at the wrong time. you can be with someone who is perfect for you, but you are not perfect for them. you can fall in love with someone you can never have and not be interested in those who want you. you can be friends with people simply because of what you have in common at the time, but then that eventually ends because the circumstances change. but all of those relationships shape you and help you define yourself and who you want to be. and, then, hopefully you paid attention and you take something away from each one that you will use to make your next relationship or friendship better. maybe, you figure out what you want to do differently the next time around. maybe you learn, evolve. however, it’s really hard to know that in the midst of it. and it would be easy and comfortable to go back to those old habits and back into the beds of those old habits, but, and don’t fall off your chairs folks, but i am taking a self imposed vow of chastity. crazy, i know, but it’s a detox of sorts. getting clean, so to speak.

i refuse to be labeled as just another crazy woman who doesn’t know what she wants. i have always known what i have wanted, but most of the time i haven’t acted on it. for now, i know i need and want to just be alone and figure a lot of things out. i know i am not ready for another relationship nor will i be for a while. the thought of strangers in my bed, dealing with the bottom dwellers in the shallow dating pool of online dating, or meeting a new penis repulses me right now. i have no desire to look or be looked at. i am not bitter with men (well, at least not entirely), just tired of dating and sleeping with them. tired of using them to distract me from my own thoughts when i’m the only one awake late at night – you know the ones about dying alone with twenty cats who will ultimately nibble my toes when i’m dead because there is no one there to stop them. and the thing is, i just don’t have the desire to even try to be good at a relationship right now. i don’t want to work on it for even a minute, or share anything with anyone, or pretend i give the slightest shit about how anyone’s day was. and i know that is harsh and selfish and unrealistic for maintaining a successful relationship, but i have to honor where i am right now. it’s okay to see that i just need some breathing room. and my girls need me, all of me. and i want to go back to being the dedicated mother i was before all of this nonsense started. the mother who made dinner every night and played on the floor and laughed with them and read stories to them and cuddled them to sleep every night. they are growing up too quickly and will be slipping past me soon into teenagedom and i could cry over wasting so much of that precious time with them while i was lost in all of this madness.

i see that my life is has been greatly improved as a result of the divorce, but theirs has been completely thrown into upheaval. they have to maintain two new homes, two schedules, navigate two parents and extended families that have made their disdain for each other painfully clear at times, and adjust to seeing their parents with different people. they are the ones that truly have the task of adjusting. and there is no easing the pain and guilt i feel over that. and now, i really understand “staying together for the kids,” but i also know a happy mommy will make happy children. though it’s still hard to live with the fact, that just as they never asked to be born, they never asked to have their family torn apart and lives irrevocably changed. i can only hope it will ultimately be for the best and they will make better choices in their lives because of it than i have up to this point. life is all about learning from mistakes and as one of my friend’s students said, and whether he wrote it or not, i have no idea, but i sure wish i said it: “in school you learn the lesson first and then have the test. in life you take the test first and then learn the lesson.” he figured out at 15 what i just figured out at 40.

and along that vein, i quit my poverty level suck-ass job with useless health “benefits” too – it had turned into a toxic and abusive relationship of its own. and while completely financially irresponsible, i am taking off the summer to relax and enjoy my new life. to get back to my girls, my friends, and most importantly, myself. doing all the things i used to do before i relinquished who i was along the way. and if losing my dad taught me anything, it’s that life is short and happiness is fleeting so you have to grab it whenever you can. no ones knows what tomorrow holds. we can make all the plans we want but its not really up to us, is it? i certainly didn’t plan that last dinner with my dad to be the last one. and i have not yet even begun to lick those wounds or even try to heal from them. i haven’t wanted to even acknowledge that rawness and i know until i do i won’t be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship.

i wrote about transition once during the divorce, which really is a constant thing in life, but i find myself so obviously in it again. strangely, this time it’s welcome. and all i know is that for the first time in my entire life, i am starting to feel at rest and at ease and i am beginning to feel a calmness and peace wash over me. it’s like unwinding on a sorely needed vacation except this is actually my life (the proof: i don’t even yell at my kids anymore – i just sigh and walk away). and that is a gift i have been given, albeit, in a very circuitous and torturous way: the gift of a second chance to do it right this time. to live consciously with self-awareness and for the first time ever, i am not going to squander it. i will stop operating from what i don’t want and stop running from, and instead focus on what i do want and run toward.

and following that, i have a new bumper sticker: 40 and over it because i am done with poor decisions for act two. i will no longer do things i don’t want to or am unsure of. i wont be pushed into anything before i am ready ever again – be it a job, relationship, or friendship. then maybe, i won’t be so quick to jump ship. i won’t care what others think of me and my decisions (err, or less than i already don’t). i will remove anything toxic from my life, learn to see the gray areas, i will fight my poor impulses, listen to my wise gut, and i will love myself for all of it. and i certainly don’t want to grow old alone, but i am not afraid to do so if that means being true to myself and honoring who i am (but i do set the limit at four cats). 40 is actually liberating and i probably wouldn’t appreciate all i have now if i hadn’t gone through all the bullshit.

you know, last summer began the suvoltion ™. it was the Summer of Sowing Her Oats Sue. this one is gong to be the Summer of Self Discovery Sue (i don’t know what is about summer than inspires me to make changes, but it just does. i think it’s a throwback to coming back to school after growing boobs one summer. “hey, look at me now, assholes”). to truly evolve, i have to be willing to really look at myself and face some hard truths i have been fiercely avoiding, to finally try to heal, unlike this goddamn fissure on my ass (yes virginia, there is such a thing as too much grooming). and i think i am finally on my way home, toto.

and, so here i sit; blissfully alone, on my patio, on a beautiful, clear, quiet morning, birds chirping (those fuckers never shut up), ac humming, trees rustling, flowers in full bloom, drinking coffee, writing my blog- all of it just as i had imagined when the whole thing began a few years ago. but i realize i did forget to envision one thing: this giant smile across my face.

viva la suevoltuion!

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