so the Summer of Sue is more than half way through according to my calculations. and while it is slipping away from me at a terrifying pace, i have been quite successful in my goal to float effortlessly along the timeline while cozily blanketed by the stifling new jersey humidity. truly enjoying the freedom of coming and going as i please, watching too much tv in bed while eating salty snacks (is there anything better that 9 bucks a month for netflix unlimited streaming accompanied by a bag of baked lays?), being queen of my castle, popping on and off the grid at my whim, and just plain enjoying the sun despite that nagging voice that warns me of skin cancer, or worse – wrinkles (i know, mom). oh sure, there are bills to consider while being barely employed, children to care for, and the ups and downs of owning a cat with claws- very, very sharp claws. but all this freedom has allowed me to do a lot of soul searching, as was the exact plan, so let me share some of the refuse that inhabits the internal garbage dump of my mind thus far in the suevolutionary trail at the risk of “using too many words” for some of you (yes, that was an actual critique of my work or maybe said critic’s elementary school reading teacher).

1. it’s my life

so far turning the dreaded 4-0 has been quite freeing in a way: while i still have no idea how i got this old this quickly, i have to come to realize that i have literally been asleep at the wheel for all this time and i will be damned if i will let the rest of my life slide by while i am in a coma. i am halfway through my life (if i am lucky – and of the time left, who knows for how long i will be healthy and actually lucid. the latter being questionable now). with that realization, came a liberation: i’m forty dammit! and i am doing what i want to do when i want to do it. obviously, i have young children to nurture and certain inescapable responsibilities to consider, but anything other than that which i deemed to be extraneous bullshit in my life has been abandoned. this includes relationships i no longer want to be in – be it friend or lover, tuning out the constant barrage of “news” about everything i enjoy causing cancer at some point (just being alive is slowly killing all of us), no longer worrying what others think of me (well, like 94% of the time), hiding from the seemingly hopeless state of the world we live in, refusing to do things i don’t want to do, and just generally finally learning to live for myself and not those awful nagging voices in my head that tell me how i should live. and it feels good! i refuse to take crap from anybody ever again. i’m not out to hurt people’s feelings needlessly, but, unfortunately, it’s inevitable. and while i am beginning to figure out how to be more diplomatic (and sometimes just plain manipulative – for the greater good of course), i just can’t be pushed around anymore these days (ask the little twerp at verizon who gave me lip when my two month old phone died). i am a believer of science which points to the fact that i only get one life and it’s mine. this isn’t a dress rehearsal and i don’t owe anybody an explanation for my choices. while, i do realize i may end up old, crotchety, and very, extremely, alone in front of my tv with no one but a callus home health aide to change my depends, i will just have to cross that diaper when i come to it.

2. i’m perfectly lonely

i have learned that relationships are just plain difficult no matter with whom; and while you can learn to better navigate them, there is not much Dr. Phil can ever do to change that truth. family relationships are extremely complicated and full of mixed feelings (read: guilt) and unspoken obligations that bind you to them. friendships with women are exhausting because the mind games and drama with them that started as young girls in the elementary school lunchroom continues into adulthood. it takes different forms, but it’s there, it never fucking ends, and i am just plain tired of it. i mean, only women can have “frenemies“  for god’s sake. relationships with men, are, well, relationships with men, but i’m  just going to save my Men Are Simply An Unevolved Sub-Species and Men and Women Don’t Really Belong Together rants for another post. and that being said, at forty i have also completely lost patience for people, in general. i don’t want to be bothered with all the crap that comes along with relationships of any kind and for god’s sake i can’t take all of the worrying about feelings anymore. ugh. i don’t want to talk anymore. i don’t want to work on it either. i really don’t give a shit how anybody’s day was and i can’t be bothered to even pretend i do anymore. it is possible i am turning into a huge c**t, but i just don’t care because i have never felt so fucking free in my life.

3. why don’t i just steal away?

sometimes, i think if it weren’t for my kids, i could easily drop out of conventional society and go live out the rest of my life on some remote island with no cell towers or internet, no gyms, no malls, no cars and very few people. a utopia where i would never have to suck my gut in again or worry about the ever increasing cottage cheese on my nether regions. where the only exercise i get is not from a hamster wheel at a gym and iron weights, but building muscles from the actual manual labor and physicality it takes to just survive. where vitamins don’t come from bottles, but from food i have grown. a beautiful, tropical place where i am free of caring about how shitty my hair looks in humidity. i do ponder it a lot- living a life that is free of being tethered to my cell phone and accountable for my every fleeting second (though, when i see how insane being without a phone for four days had made me, i rethink that whole thing). living a life free of facebook and all “social media.” back in a time when privacy was a concept that actually existed. when relationships (as much as i now dislike them) were real. when TMI was a real thing and i didn’t have to know that someone i once had a locker nearby 25 years ago had tuna fish at panerra’s for lunch today (and for the love of god, stop telling us where you have checked in every two minutes. only your stalker cares.). freedom from judging and being judged. maybe i will follow some suckass band with filthy strangers picked up along the way, packed into a yellow VW bus, trading hemp bracelets for my next meal. but let’s be real, i can’t deal with staying at a motel 6 for one night let alone some feculent farm in a third world village. but a girl can dream.

4. muddy waters

during most of my life, i eternally suffered from a grass is greener situation – that whatever i was doing, i thought the opposite would be better (with the clear exception of being married again – please, i am not a moron!) and now i have enough experience in life to know that the grass isn’t greener – it’s generally muddy with weeds and green patches and some flowers thrown in on both sides of the fence. as a very black and white thinking person, that is the gray area in which i now strive to live. and that gray area is being human (which i have come to think is a curse of sorts since we are mostly prisoners to all of our human trappings; but that is another rant entirely). some think that happiness and peace are fleeting moments – so you grab what you can when you can. which i do think has some merit as my calligulous lifestyle of late will attest. but i ultimately strive for happiness as a general state of being with an awareness that some inevitable crappy times will be thrown in. that is what my whole struggle has been about – taking any chance to live happily and peacefully, as i see it for me. and, really, each individual has to figure how that looks for her and try to be brave enough to live it.

5. i will forget about you

after a long and awful divorce preceded by a long and awful marriage, the sudden death of my father, the sudden wife of the man whom i thought was to ultimately become my real soulmate, and a bevy of botched breakups, i have learned, that with the exception of very few people (like my children. duh!) i can walk away from most anybody or anything and not look back. sometimes it’s easier than others. sometimes i may glance over my shoulder and retreat briefly for more abuse (always voluntarily: see failed soulmate above), but there really is not much i am attached to anymore. be it a person or thing. i have become sort of blase about so many things now. the feeling of the futility of all this self imposed human bullshit overpowers me at times. most likely, it’s just a defense mechanism of sorts – because everything during my marriage that was supposed to be fun and happy was frought with difficulty and disappointment that i just can’t bear to be let down anymore. the firsts are gone no matter what i do the second time around. and truthfully, i am still kind of angry they were taken from me. the aftermath of making poor major life choices has worn me down. and, of course, it follows that losing the only two men in my life (dad and prospective soul mate) who ever really got me makes it difficult for me to risk an encore of exposing myself to the possibility of disappointment by another human being. how will i ever completely open myself up to someone again? one more huge let-down and i fear i will be destroyed. though i am tough and strong, i do have my limits. so, now being closed off to that possibility is just a way of self preservation. and hopefully, the passage of enough time combined with the right person coming along one day will change that.

6. friends. how many of us have them?

whom you choose to surround yourself with is very important. there are some people who bring out the absolute best in me no matter what the situation (again: see failed soulmate @ 5). people who truly get me, accept me, and don’t want to change a single thing about me. people, when i am with them, allow me to truly love myself as a person. conversely, there are those i don’t like who i am when i am around them and find myself wanting to redecorate their personalities. my interactions with them are full of negativity and leave me feeling so much less than i really am. from now on, i choose to be around the former: people that encourage me to be better and to follow my path while right beside me no matter how far down some dark alleys it may take me. people who realize i have to find my own way even if they have to cringe at what they see me doing along that way (you know who you are). which brings me to:

7. growin’ up

party girl sue has been placed on a mandatory leave of absence for an undetermined amount of time after two straws that broke the camel’s toe:

1. last month, aunt flo decided to visit a week late, something she has never done before, which prompted great hysteria and chants of “im too fucking old for this bullshit!” effectively killing casual sex for me completely.

2. a recent hangover which left me for dead on a friend’s couch for twelve hours and required a 2.5 day recovery which prompted more chants of, “i’m too fucking old for this bullshit,” accompanied by the more predictable chants of, “i’m never drinking again! i mean it this time!” so, i may have to rename myself single without vodka because this liver has been wrung out and clipped to the clothesline to dry.

it’s been enough of being wild and rebellious. gggb and i had a good run for a few years and it was fun. but i am confident that i’m not missing anything Out There. i’m finally over It. so, you can all exhale now, girls. i’m cured.  and, right on schedule for my winter hibernation ritual (no worries – i still have many juicy stories to share, because, sadly, i have not yet learned the value of my own privacy.)

8. you can’t hurry love

or anything else for that matter. my hugest life lesson is trying to master patience. i have never been a patient person. ever. my lack of patience accounts for why i get too deep into relationships too fast, become bffs with manipulating bitches too quickly, get frustrated with my kids too easily, don’t set proper boundaries with people, make impulsive, snap decisions, hire shitty contractors, spend too much money on things, and fake orgasms. i despise research. i hate shopping around and negotiating. i hate to wait for anything. i want it now! i don’t want to take the time to let things develop properly and slowly the way any relationship, major purchase, or orgasm needs to (if i don’t have patience of any kind, it follows that i certainly haven’t had the patience to let someone find The Spot when my shower head is ten feet away- hence the faking. but no more of that!). like many others disgusted with the continued bullshit of dating we thought we left behind in our 20′s, i said, “i don’t want to play games anymore.” i’m just going to cut through all of the beginning bs and go for it. but i realized, it’s not playing games, it’s just letting the dance between two people play out. you have to take your time to know who and what is right for you. rushing into things only leads to a sticky situation from which you will most likely have to extricate yourself. and someone always gets hurt that way. this applies to all relationships (i just can’t seem to get away from that dreaded R word). and i don’t want to do any of that anymore. for me, finally learning patience will enable me to make better decisions all around for act two of this deranged show that is my life.

9. bad decisions. that’s alright.

i’m certainly not proud of some of the things i’ve done, but contrary to what you might think, i don’t really regret them. i look back at some of it and am now convinced i must have been temporarily insane at the time (the ex-husband certainly claimed so), but it was a path i needed to walk. and all of those “experiences” served some kind of purpose. some were liberating and self-affirming, but most were hard lessons learned. and since i just can’t get into in mr. peabody and simon’s time machine, maybe, it’s time to stop beating myself up and move on. maybe i did the best i could at the time with the set of circumstances i was given. and if i hadn’t finally learned who i really am and what i now really want as a result of those lunatic episodes, then i would say it was a waste of time. but it wasn’t, because i have more clarity than ever. and maybe it’s just time to pick myself up, dust myself off, put on another layer of deodorant and go on with the life i want to create for myself now. maybe, it’s finally time to forgive myself for all those shitty decisions i have made and just live the second half better and completely consciously.

10. relax. don’t do it.

a very wise gf of mine says “selah” to me when she sees me getting anxious and impatient. which is often. it’s a hebrew word meaning: pause and reflect, rest. i am going to have it embroidered on a pillow and use it as my mantra. just sit back, do things when i’m ready. really think before my next big move. take my time. remember there is nothing that i can’t face, handle, and come out of swinging. stop pressuring myself so much. be nice to myself. change the voices in my head. and let nature take its course because it will all work out in the end one way or another.

selah.

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