well, it happened. and i am just heartbroken. devastated, really. i thought i could put it off by avoiding it. i begged. i pleaded. i cried. but it’s over. and all that’s left to do now is pick up the pieces and move on. start over. again. i have to brace my shoulders, choke back the tears and accept that my true love, summer, has left me. and it was never more evident than Labor Day, so dreary. the last hurrah at the swim club. the kids swam in icy water and the moms sat and watched those callous teenage lifeguards, who, of all people should appreciate most, the fleeting, fragile beauty of summer, unceremoniously strip the giant umbrellas of their coverings, leaving cold steel skeletons. it was a heartless and cruel breakup. and dejectedly, i faced a less suitable, arranged companion, the dreaded and evil BTS (Back To School) who is always closely followed by the worst inhumane beast of all…winter.
it’s been quite a traumatic transition, to be honest: what with unpacking the beach bag that was always by my side, delating the fun floaty pool things which seemed to take an eternity, turning in the beach and pool badges, tossing the empty sunscreen bottles, washing the beach towels for the last time, and saying goodbye to the fireflies. all traded in for the gathering of a mountain of school supplies, the dusting off of the backpacks, the digging out of the moldy lunch boxes, and facing the inevitability of book reports, hours of homework, spelling words, math tests, reading logs, science projects, and studying. endlessly suffering an insultingly early alarm clock that forces me to drag not only myself, but beautiful, peacefully sleeping children out of a cozy bed, and the worst of all: making school lunches (i hated all of it the first time around when i went). and it really was perfectly fitting that it poured on the first day and my older daughter’s bus came 15 minutes early prompting us to miss it while asshat was in tow (i can only imagine The Bad Mother rants that were burning the cell towers that day).
of course, there are a few things i won’t miss at all – like the endless mounds of public cellulite and man boobs i have been forced to witness since the first warm day, armpits that needed to be shaved, people far too comfortable with partial public nudity that shouldn’t be, mosquitoes preferring to eat me alive over any other entree on the human buffet table anytime i ventured outdoors, noisy lawn mowers waking me up at 6:30am on weekends, the endless quest to find an answer to “but what are we doing today,” sand in every crevice of my person and home, and that awful, haunting, pavlovian melody from the ice cream truck. and it is kind of nice to be out and about now in the solitude of the spawn-free stores and to luxuriate in the quietude of a gym now mostly emptied of tight and tempting 20 yr old collegiate bodies.
and like any student returning to academia, i am forced to take stock of what i have done this summer, reflect, and summarize:
1. i learned the art of impulse control and gave up random sex and booze…for the most part. oh sure, i had several relapses, and at one point, i replaced both with the obsessive acquisition of blinged out droid covers, but a girl’s got to have something.
2. i got really tan for the first time in 19 years, although that was generally up for debate unless i was naked and had a tan-line witness, which was hard to come by as per #1.
3. i read an entire book for the first time since my children learned how to crawl. it was a fluff read, but it counts.
4. i honed my handy woman skills in my new place and did not have to call The Guy…more than twice.
5. i finally got my car in the garage for the first time since moving in may. it was time – the neighbors had begun tracking my one night stands. they say its a vicarious sort of thing, but i suspect there are bookies and vigs involved at this point. and of course, my gf has now started a pool for how soon the side view mirrors will be desecrated (that reminds me – i really have to look in the hoa manual to see if repairing the sides of the garage is my responsibility).
6. i made lots of new pals, my absolute fav being the husband of my ex-husband’s girlfriend. (oh, fo shizzle! i couldn’t make that shit up. no worries, this will eventually get it’s own post. it’s so deliciously, perfectly ironic; oh, and the fact that she is not a fembot, but a real live woman, is fascinating to boot..)
7. i saw The Nerds twice. it was fun of monumental proportions which included air brushed tattoos that did not come off as easily as promised.
8. i partied thrice like i was in college on spring break. it was a like a katey perry song: i barfed in the bar, lost an earring in the toilet, suffered a 14 hour hangover with a weiner dog by my side to nurse me back to sobriety, walked home in bare feet with a bunch of friends, walked home alone again at 3 am another time because gf #1 was so trashed she had to be taken home by gf #2 and i was in the midst of possibly bagging a great catch (the latter still remains to be determined as per the walking home alone at 3 am part).
9. i banded together a slew of hot new hussies with whom to go out and wreck havoc for many summers to come.
10. i blew off my summer employ for the last 3 weeks of summer to hang with my kids and then successfully whined my way into a new position at the same company. by the way, they do things there that involve very, very smart people and i feel like Penny from The Big Bang Theory. (come to think of it, i could i use a big bang right about now.)
11. i broke my bed (sadly, not in a fun way), but finally got rid of the last symbolic vestige of A Failed Marriage. that was the best garbage day ever.
12. i worked out with great dedication, went through 3 trainers, and reduced the muffin top to a mini-muffin, lessened the protective layer of back fat, and started to see the beginnings of some muscle definition, though mostly in my camel toe.
13. i went on a family vacation to Lake George and learned 3 things: 1. i am more of a lay on the beach, bring me drinks kind of a girl (ok, well i knew that already), and less of a rugged mountain mama (ok, i knew that too). 2. i should not travel with those that share 50% DNA with me for an extended period of time – like over 60 minutes. and especially not in a car. in summer traffic (this, i suspected). 3. Lake Geo is the White Trash vacation capital of the east coast (this, i should have suspected).
14. i switched my gas and electric supplier just because we can do that now. i will probably save all of .03 cents. but why not?
15. i finally got an almost 11 year old to sleep alone without the almost 8 year old in her bed, only to gain an almost 8 year old in my once solitary berth.
16. i have come to the sad, but necessary conclusion that no human male can compete with a 12 speed shower head. should i ever actually find such a man, i will marry him. but that is the only circumstance under which i will ever marry again.
this summer was perfect. it was all i wanted it to be. it began with the suevolution ™, evolved to the newsuera (tm), and has come to the the land of Walk the Talk and face the mountain of shit i’ve been putting off because it is now After The Summer. things like starting a career worthy of my oft touted, self proclaimed, but little used brains, working on all the unfinished business i was ultimately hoping to completely avoid (surely, said business realizes he can’t run from me forever), try to build the SWV empire and make all of this crazy shit i write down into an actual thing i do for a living, tackle a to do list of epic proportions, start writing My Book (and the mere notion that i am interesting enough to fill a book is such a pompous one), and sit down for this one, dear readers: focus on meeting a suitable companion. yes, a male. a human male! (i’m hoping in the near future to say see #8…but its too sketchy to tell at this point.)
so here i sit, planning my future, plotting to take over the world. or at least the innerwebs…
i can’t build my empire without you and your big mouth: please like me on facebook. please follow me on twitter. and please tell anybody else who will listen to do the same!
Tags: family, jersey shore, lake george, showerhead, summer, the nerds
