one liners- hey it’s easy

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
8
Dec 10

postcards from the ex

i judge the quality of my workouts by the amount off ass crack sweat produced.

anyone can have a self-cleaning pussy – get a cat.

remember postcards from the edge? well i’m doing postcards from the ex. the top seller so far is:  “glad you’re not here.”

popcorn smells equally as good popping as bad as it does when burned.

i’m not very religious, but i do like to say a little prayer before bed:

now i lay me down to sleep,

most of the stuff i got to keep.

should the ex die ‘fore i wake,

i pray for the rest of his shit to take.

my friend likes to mix raspberry stoli w club. i prefer xanax.

my pussy is vicious – he bit me.

my boyfriend really knows how to push my buttons – thank goodness.

i’m writing a christmas porno: yes vagina, there is a santa cock.

and a new chanukah song too:

dildo, dildo, dildo, i made you out of glass.

when you’re good and ready, i shall stick you up his ass.

oh, dildo, dildo, dildo. i made you out of clay.

now that’s one game of dreidel i’d surely like to play.

you only get one chance at, “i’m not crazy.”

do you think when the dunkin’ donuts guy gets home he tell his wife: “it’s time to fuck the donuts?”

me to a gf discussing sex toys: “you can’t bust out a used cock ring with a new guy. that’s the kind of thing that needs to be fresh out of the wrapper.”

me: “how is your sister?”

dana: “she’s been pumping and she’s happy she has been getting some milk out.”

me: “that’s good. i’m glad she’s getting some.”

dana: ” yes, now we are all getting some.”

this week of 1/2 days at school is killing me – it’s completely fucking up happy hour.

the snooze button is only fun when you’re the one pressing it.

you are so cute when you think i care.

wisdom from the BFFA: “there is a time and a place to shave your balls; and the morning is not it.”

my aunt flo is such a bloody cunt.

i love my little pussy and so does my bf.  i am so glad i got that kitten.

BFFA: “is great sex the only reason to have a relationship?”

me: “no, not the only reason…but a really good one.”

i was once an outside salesperson, so i appreciate this Tale From The Road a friend recently shared with me:

“first of all, i get to the house and it was not there. there was an empty lot. after many calls to find out where she is, i finally get in touch with the customer and she says, ‘i’m glad you called because i am bleeding from my rectum. so, i think i should cancel my appointment. do you think i should call 911?”

you can not make that shit up!

dana: “i’m going to have a liquor free night.”

me: “i have heard of those, but i thought it was urban legend.”

well, the circle of life is complete: my kids have made fun of my old photos just as i did to my parents.

as i get older, the men i lust after get younger.

the traditional rhyme for the second marriage: something muscled, something smooth, something wealthy, with a clue.

some say, the first time for love, the second for money. i say the first time for money and second for love and you are stylin’ for your midlife crisis.

i just witnessed two grown men do a secret handshake at the gym. unless you are starring in a sitcom when you do this, you are jackass.

after watching ellen, i hope it’s not that we are so inept as a society that we really need talk show hosts to have celebrity chefs show us how to make hot cocoa, and that it’s just desperation for content.

me & BFFA discussing relationships:

me: “men are just generally idiots.”

BFFA: “i’m not.”

me: “of course not, honey. you’re the exception.”

remember, looks are not important – only being able to drink someone attractive enough is.

what i hate most about going to the gym is the dreaded Uniboob Phenomenon induced by the sports bra.

there are so many weight loss cleanses on the market today, but i found one that was successful: The Vodka Cleanse. for maximum results, you must follow a low fat diet, drink a lot of water, and engage in 60 minutes of “cardio” every day with a young, hot personal trainer.

i was on the social security website and there was a link that said: “special instructions for people who are blind.” ummm…helloooo?

how about this sign right outside the gym door: “please do not smoke by the entrance.” i think it should just say, “if you are going to smoke here, please don’t have a heart attack on the treadmill.”

it’s 11pm: do you know where your vodka is?

one day after changing the water, i filled the fish bowl all the way to the tippy top because the cat likes to drink out of it. the next morning my 10 y/o discovered the fish lying dead on the table because it had apparently committed hari kari, but she blamed the cat. i found out later that betas are prone to jumping out of the bowl if the water is too high. i had no issue with still letting the kitten take the rap.

i want a sex GPS: “in .5 seconds, stroke here, at the next turn, lick for 10 minutes” you could choose a sexy voice, set it exactly for the proper spot, make it partner specific or put it on auto-pilot and never be worried about getting lost and missing an orgasm again.

i love how my pussy smells after my bf leaves- the cat always has his cologne all over him.

some pussies have long hair, some short, but i prefer the completely hairless  – the sphynx breed.

if i ever got remarried i’d have a modern version of wedding vows:

do you promise to keep your weight within plus or minus 5 pounds of today’s number? will you always replace the toilet paper roll and leave the seat down? will you keep the floor free of your dirty undies and never turn into a disgusting slovenly pig? will you never eat the leftovers without asking? will you take out the fucking garbage without being asked, change light bulbs as needed, and not expect for a pat on the back when you empty the dishwasher? do you promise to set boundaries with your mother?  do you promise not to fight dirty and never take me for granted?  and in exchange, i  will promise not to pms like a banshee, never turn him down for sex, never get fat, shave every day, always keep the house bar properly stocked, and never let my true inner bitch completely loose.

BFFA pondered: “does the hair on your balls grow as fast as the hair on your head?” me: “let’s not find out.”

dana giving me relationship advice: “i love you so much and you know that, but you’re being an asshole. so stop it.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
5
Dec 10

The Fighting Vaginas

me to dana: “that is such good news – i’ll drink to that… no, really, i will.”

BFFA: “do you swing?”

me: ” i never have , but i’m not opposed to it.”

BFFA: “see, this is why i love you,”

the BFFA & i have just passed an important milestone in our relationship – our first menstrual cycle together.

i am really worried i am one vodka tonic away from hooking up with a chick.

adult cereal should have adult prizes like mini bottles of booze, a sleeve of vicodin, a shot glass, The Bullet, or 2 double a batteries.

during my senior year of college, i was all set to go to grad school to become a psychologist and then i realized something really important: i really don’t give a shit about other people’s problems.

mikey w. “the new chick canceled on me for tonight. should i try to get last night’s chick to blow me?”

me: “you could or maybe you could let your dick dry out for one night.”

the BFFA’s bday is before mine which means i have to set the birthday celebration bar. naturally, it will be extremely high, expensive, & excessive.

three things i will never do myself: clean my house, paint my toenails, and put air in my tires.

i don’t understand how can i be turning 40 this year when i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination.

me: “i promise to behave.”

BBFA: “according to who’s standards? yours are pretty low.”

richard simmons may sweat to the oldies, but i sweat to the hotties.

BBFA: “you’re still bitter about your divorce.”

me: “not at all. i am thrilled about the divorce-  it’s the 17 years that preceded it that i am bitter about.”

i am so laid back because i lay back…

fall is here – make sure you clean your yard and and trim that hedge.

BFFA: “that’s why i like you – you get all my jokes and think they are funny.”

me: “so, you’re just using me for my comedy?”

BFFA: “no, i am using you for your body.”

me: “oh. okay, then.”

i think one of the secrets to maintaining a lasting relationship is proper personal grooming: it’s hard to say “i love you” with a pubic hair stuck to the back of your throat.

i am so excited about being an aunt that i have decided to pay for my nephews’ education – they can go to the best bartending school in the country and i will even personally set them up with apprenticeships when they graduate.

BFFA: “at what age can you stop shaving your balls?”

me: “when you stop wanting blow jobs.”

lor on dating: “new relationships are like crack in the beginning, but eventually the negatives come out. it can’t be orgasms all the time.”

if you are an adult man wearing a backpack it’d better be for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. you are “special.” 2. you lost your sherpa. otherwise, you are just really creepy.

BFFA: “do you recycle?”

me: “only my men.”

it never fails, i always leave something behind when i jet the next morning -  my self respect.

i’m convinced the scale at the gym is rigged to make you think you’re heavier than you are so you will never let your membership expire.

BFFA: “is that all you want from me – sex?”

me: “pretty much.”

BFFA: ” i am the chick here.”

mikey w: “i’m 38.  finding a woman my age without kids is like finding a fucking unicorn.”

my pussy totally smells like tuna – well,  i ran out of cat food and i had to feed him something.

i think i will start my own female football team. i will call it The Fighting Vaginas. the team color will be red and the mascot will be a giant tampon.

the next bitch who comes into the bathroom at work and says, “full house!” is getting nailed with the stall door.

have vodka will travel

the nephews are really cute – i’m looking forward to all of their developmental milestones like crawling, walking, &  mixing drinks.

one of my pre-set stations on my car radio turned into a country music station overnight. shouldn’t they have to give you 2 weeks notice?

me: “come to my place tomorrow. p. nut would love to see you.”

BFFA: “it’s always about your pussy, isn’t it?”

no matter how hard you scrub the next day, you ain’t gettin’ off the stank of regret.

if you’re gonna cook in my kitchen, make sure you preheat my oven.

love means never having to say, ‘”where are my pants?’

you don’t feeling like shaving? that’s ok. i don’t feel like waxing my mustache.

send me home sore or don’t bother.

i never stand on ceremony – unless it will make me appear taller.

i like those memory foam mattresses, but i wonder if they leave evidence. like will it remember me the next time i come over or worse – have the impression of some others chick’s body on it?

vets could really increase revenue by doing a twofer special: bring your pet in to be fixed, get your husband done for free.

among the fondest memories of my childhood, was the time i discovered the speeds on the shower massager had little do with showering and much more to do with massaging.

shame is like the stench after being sprayed by a skunk – you can try all sorts of things to get rid of it, but it generally just has to wear off in it’s own time.

true story: in the restroom at the 2o year HS renuinon,  i ran into one of the snotty twats from hs who still wouldn’t say hello, so i told her that she is still a bitch.

one of the best days of my life was june 21, 2009: not only were the divorce papers signed and the asshat moved out, but i called my ex-monster-in law a cunt to her face. twice.

BFFA: “i’m not wearing a belt.”

me: “i’m not wearing underwear.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
2
Dec 10

BBFA

spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…

life is all about setting boundaries and learning to  just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.

every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.

well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.

BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?

i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.

i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i  just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”

i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.

i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.

mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”

i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.

i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….

the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk”  isn’t a mood.

regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.

after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.

when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.

one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.

hey jamie, you’re in the blog.

i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?

i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?

actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…

i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…

i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.

recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”

in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.

i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.

and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.

we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”

i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.

after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”

my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.

the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.

me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”

dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?

i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.

is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?

i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.

debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”

at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:

loreen: “who’s that?!”

me: “that’s don.”

loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”

me: “yes he does. you can have him.”

upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”

me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”

of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…

i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.

judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.

and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?

are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?

and to all the ladies at work:  do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.

what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”

what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”

BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
21
Nov 10

FFIP

it’s hard to date just one person, and as yvette says: “it ain’t cheatin’, if you’re just eatin’…”  i assume this applies to “beatin’ ” as well?

what is this business of getting to know each other before having sex? that is absolutely ridiculous – if the sex is bad, there is absolutely nothing else i need to know.

my old college buddy, miller, has now dubbed me, “surly with vodka.” as long as there is vodka, i don’t care what you call me.

things are moving kind of quickly with The BFFN (The Boyfriend For Now) and i have to tell you that i am really excited to get to that part of the relationship where i have to shower less…

we have decided to be exclusive – we don’t want to date any other couples.

he loves to pet my pussy – i’m really starting to become jealous of that cat…

the other day was National Smokeout Day. i think i may have misconstrued the meaning – turns out it was cigarettes, not pole.

the tightness of the pants i wear on a date depends on how quickly i plan to be out of them.

i’m not on west coast, central mountain, or eastern time. i’m on BCT: Booty Call Time.

Adam: “so, what are you going to wear on your date tonight?”

me: “something easy to slip out of.”

Adam: “are you planning on having sex?”

me: “do you have to ask?”

the new relationship is going so well – my only concern is the challenge it presents to my cynicism…

i have found BFFN’s fatal flaw: he snores deeply enough to suck small planets out of orbit.

BFFN asked me to promise not to fake the orgasms and i agreed as long as he promised to give me the reasons not to.

bumper sticker: have toothbrush, will travel.

i think the alarm clock could be improved by replacing The Snooze Button with a Morning Sex Button.

BFFN: “so, what kind of wine do you like?”

me: “cheap. like me.“

when people tell me to “behave” or not to “work too hard,” i just laugh – those are two things i never do.

BFFN: “my friend sent me pictures of his wife naked.”

me: “omg. what an asshole. let me see.“

before we go out, my friends tell me to keep my pants on and i admonish them not to.

it was friday night, and all across the land, bootay was being had. the queen was pleased.

BFFN: “you are the horniest girl ever.”

me: “thank you.”

since i have 2 girls, i am fascinated by my new nephews’ little wangs – its the only time tiny penises are adorable.

there is a cliched poster female co-eds like to hang in their dorm rooms – the one with the gorgeous man holding the tiny baby in the palm of his hand. now, this is where they have it all wrong – make it a balding, overweight, middle aged guy who never hears the baby crying at night and maybe we won’t have to suffer through the palins or shows like 16 and pregnant anymore.

mikey w: “i used to date a girl who liked me to cum on her face so she could rub it in – it’s good for the skin you know.”

me: “i’ll just stick with Oil of Olay.”

my pussy is so well groomed – i brush him every day and clip his claws every week.

me: “i’ll bring the booze. do you want cheap vodka or cheap wine?”

dana: “things seemed to be going so well. i don’t understand what happened.”

me: “he must have met someone else.”

dana: “or, he didn’t like how my vagina tasted.”

me: “well, that is always a possibility.”

i love car seat warmers – they provide all of the pleasant warmth of peeing in your pants with none of the wetness.

my pussy is so clean – he is always licking himself.

i was texting with my sister and mikey w. at the same time: the first convo involved giving motherly advice about the new babies, the second was a discussion of our sexual conquests in great detail. i just loved the irony of Parallel Textersations.

BFFN: “did you want to have sex?”

me: “well duh, of course i do, but what made you ask?”

BFFN: “well, you came back from the bathroom holding your belt & your pants are unbuttoned.”

hope was worried her date wouldn’t like the fact that her nail polish was chipped. i told her not to worry about it unless she was going out with a gay guy.

mikey w.: “who the fuck knows.”

me: “no one. so just fuck who you know.”

i’m really into the new bf, so i don’t want to date anyone else, but i do normally like to keep my options open, and by options, i mean legs.

i am going to market a new line of Do Not Disturb/Housekeeping hangers for the door that are more honest. one side will say FFIP: Fuck Fest In Progress. the other side will say, Caution: Wet Sheets.

BFFN: “you have to get off me – i really have to go now & get ready for that wedding today.”

me: “call in sick.”

the only time i condone the use of marijuana is for purely medicinal reasons – like before sex.

you should always visit a guy’s place before becoming too involved with him- it’s very important to see him in his natural habitat.

the beginning of a relationship is always so wonderful – the getting to know one another, the mind-blowing sex, the falling in love much too quickly, the trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with each other and when it’s all going to go to shit…

when we go on dates, women generally operate with the knowledge that the dude most likely only just wants to fuck us – any chick over 30 who doesn’t realize that is a moron or amish.

fuck that mars, venus bullshit.  i think it’s more like oil & water: with enough agitation, you can get them to mix well together briefly, but no matter what, they always end up separating completely.

i pride myself on being the sanest one over a wide demographic of crazy friends, proving once again, that sanity is all relative.

ever hear of the wolf in sheep’s clothing? well i think i may be a dude in chick’s clothing…

you’re allergic to my cat so you can’t ever come over to my place? that is puuurrrrfect.

i like to go to the guy’s place – let him clean up the aftermath of the crime scene i’m surely going to create in the bedroom…

having all of this technology while dating creates new ways to asses a match: for instance, i find it very important that there is Compatible Textiquette. i think there should be a category on the profile called Text Preferences, because a mismatch in that area can be a total deal breaker. you would mark like desired frequency, preferred response time, and how just soon filthy texts can be sent…

on the subject of texting though, too much of it before you actually meet gives you false sense of knowing the person and feeling comfortable with him which normally leads to major disappointment in the real life meeting. although, i have had great Text Chemistry with many guys prior to meeting them, the excessive texting did not reveal the growth on the neck that should be looked at immediately, the hairy arm that was suggestive of a recessive werewolf gene, the bad breath that could not be cured with even a stick of minty gum, the nervous tics that had me running into the rest room hoping for a window to jump out of, the ripped dirty sweatpants, the rent-a-wreck he came in, the bad manners, the fact he hasn’t showered since his last date,  or the fact that someone else had to be writing for him because the real life person was lacking any wit or personality. you gotta be careful with your virtuality – it’s an e-jungle out there.

i decide if i will sleep with a guy the minute i meet him by assessing if i can drink him fuckable.

i just hate to leave my pussy alone all night – i think i’m gonna have to start bringing him with me.

BFFN after checking out my laundry room: “i have to bring some laundry over, you have big machines.”

me: “i do have big machines. just make sure you bring some quarters for my slot.”

can u imagine how creepy you would be if you actually winked as much in real life as you do in texts? ;-)

i was razzing BFFN about not wanting to go see him in his White Trash Apartment and he told me i had to go to the jungle to get ravished. apparently, me: jane, he: horny.

me referring to the kitten: “look, my pussy is excited to see you.”

BFFN: “so, what’s new?”

we have only been dating a week but it feels so much longer. a quick, cursory review might reveal why: we saw each other 5 out of 7 days, i have done inappropriate things to him in his apartment with clearly, no regard for his children sleeping in the next room, i demanded that he quit smoking on the first date, i agreed to go with him to his family’s thanksgiving dinner and meet his entire family (not shockingly, i was given the caveat to behave), we have watched 4 movies and exchanged toothbrushes & contact lens cases, and he did the pleasantly surprising & unexpected I Brought You Coffee Drop-By (he already knows how i like my coffee – Giant Skim Latte. STAT!), and i committed a hit and run in his building’s parking lot while leaving at 1 am the other night (oh whatever, it was just a tap that’s what bumpers are for). in week 2 he will come to my place so he can hit my neighbors’ cars and then we’ll probably knock over a bank and flee to mexico.

look i gave him head start and warned him to run as far away as fast as he could – you know men never listen.

i say: slack hard or not at all!

the next time i get invited to a wedding, i have the perfect gift: the name of my divorce lawyer.

BFFN: “we can’t fool around when you come over, my kids will be asleep in the next room.”

me: “what kind of horrible, slut do you think i am?”

BFFN: “the worst kind. “

me: “that is so sweet – you already know me so well”


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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
17
Nov 10

dela- where?

i left the bar alone last night, but it’s okay, because i rubbed heartily against a lot of dudes on my way out.

ugly people grinding on the dance floor is like a car wreck – i just can’t not watch.

a guy i once dated told me that he thinks it’s important that i still go out with the girls and have fun. i agreed, except by girls, i meant other men, and by fun, i meant sex with them.

my earring fell out into my lap during dinner -thank god my camel toe caught it.

i want to be more disciplined, but i lack the will power to do anything about it.

i was at a bar with 3 other divorced chicks where there was a bachelorette party in progress – we bought that bitch a drink and made a pact not to spoil the ending.

no matter how much i do in a free weekend,  if i don’t have sex, it just seems wasted.

i was out at a packed club the other night and i knew i was comfortable with my age when i decided i would rather go home than wait on line to pee… ever again.

there is laziness & complete slothdom. lazy is sitting on the couch in front of the tv all day. sloth is not wanting to get up off the couch to get laid.

my new friend, tania, summed up the appeal of 20 year olds: they are shiny on the outside.

i once dated a guy who was as hot as he was dumb -he asked me what state delaware was in. i was forced to break up with him immediately.

so, i’m now dating man who told me he won’t date women that don’t drink. sigh, i think he could be The One.

turning the clocks back gave me an extra hour to get to the liquor store.

dana: “what’s that smell?”

me: “i don’t smell anything.”

dana: “did you fart?”

me: “no. i always tell you. besides i wouldn’t do that in a restaurant!”

dana: “yes, you would! who are you kidding?”

me: “true.”

i think the fact that it’s nearly impossible to get a cork back in a bottle of wine means you’re supposed to just drink the whole damn thing.

driving home the other night, i found myself behind an ambulance. this, in of itself, is not so unusual, what was strange was that the “cabin light” was on & i could clearly see the occupant. i was literally making eye contact with some dude on a stretcher while the attendant sat behind him reading  a magazine. try as i might, traffic would not permit my escape from behind it. it was quite uncomfortable to say the least, but i was grateful to be on the outside looking in for once.

guys always want to know, “what is your favorite position?” duh, watching tv on the couch with a drink.

women say they appreciate a man who doesn’t try to have sex with them on the first date. quite frankly, i would find it to be an insult if he didn’t at least offer.

it turns out, it wasn’t just the ex – i really don’t give a shit how anybody’s day was.

remember how your parents always said that they didn’t have a favorite? well, that was complete bullshit.

i love a man in uniform, so i was looking forward to a date with a guy that used to be in the military, but it turned out he was in the navy. of all the uniforms, that one is not remotely sexy unless you are a gay man and into the village people. in fact, if should things progress, i requested that he never put it on for me.

how do you tell someone politely that you are way out of their league?

i like that the advice my friends give me when i go on first dates is not, “have fun,” or “be careful,”  – it’s “keep your pants on this time.”

do you think the irony of consumer reports how to clean anything, how clean is your house?, the queen of clean’s cleaning guide, good housekeeping’s stain rescue, & the  field guide to stains, sitting on the dusty bookshelf in the laundry room is lost on my cleaning women?

what kind of woman doesn’t wear underwear on a first date? the fun kind.

texting can be a great way to get to know someone initially, but i have realized the hard way, you can’t smell bad breath via cell phone even if it is a full qwerty…

there are different types of cleavage women employ according to the occasion: Business/Work cleavage which just barely hints at sexiness and may land you that promotion or help you finally close that big deal, School Cleavage which is very minimal unless you want to sleep with the teacher, Date Cleavage which is practically necessary and self explanatory, and Seeing My Divorce Lawyer Full-On Erin Brockovich Cleavage which is wildly inappropriate and never actually does get the bill reduced – but, hey, a sista gotta try.

three shows i currently dvr which are fast becoming faves: the new adventures of old christine, 30 rock, and two and a half men – all shows about people who sleep around, drink too much and don’t give a shit.

i’m tired of my kids asking me to play with them – i don’t ask them to mix me drinks.

finding decent men to date isn’t hard – finding hard men that are decent is…

i try to be diplomatic when getting rid of men after a date or 2- just the other day i used the ol’ “It’s Not You, It’s Me” routine instead of telling him the real reason i never wanted to see him again – i suspected i have taken shits bigger than his penis.

why are all the right penises attached to the wrong men?

i’ve invented a sex substitute called “i can’t believe it’s not better.”

so, dana met this guy, but they didn’t really click – so she wanted to set me up with him – is it that tough to meet people out there that we need to recycle?

and speaking of meeting other people’s rejected dates – i have never really been a hand-me-down type of girl, do i want to start now? in this arena?

so, my new bf asked me to call him after i “put my kids down.” i told him i was putting them to bed, not taking them to the vet.

ladies, i don’t understand the concept of “waiting” to sleep with someone when you’re middle-aged. what the hell are you saving it for? you haven’t been a virgin for decades and what if the actual sex is terrible? then you wasted all of that time dating when you could have been sleeping with someone better.

in talking to someone new,  he wanted to know if i had any questions for him. i really only had one and it i told him there was only one way to find out…

i will do most anything if drinks will be served.

some days it is better to look clean than to be clean.

i think tonight is the night i finally solve the big mystery: boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs?

a friend characterized my last post as “somewhat sunny.” to be honest: i was slightly offended.

some women rate the worthiness of their  dates on the restaurant he choses, the conversation, the man’s manners, the car he drives, the perceived size of his wallet, and the like. i rate it based on whether of not i thought it was worth the makeup, contacts, and shaving my legs.

and while we are on that subject, many women will not shave their legs on a first date as a “sex preventative.” i have employed this tactic and i just ended up having sex with hairy legs…

it was just time to tell the kids: i’m not The Fun One.

new bumper stickers:

anything is possible…with alcohol.

all is fair in love and booty calls.

why are intelligence & looks generally inversely proportionate?

i woke up on the wrong side of the dick this morning…

is it wrong to ask a one night stand to take the trash out when he leaves?

sleepovers are greatly overrated: unless you’re making me breakfast or, at the very least, having me for it, i don’t need to see you in the morning.

conversation at work:

co-worker: “so where do you have sex with your dates? don’t tell me you do it in the car.”

me horrified. “never! i may be a slut but i am a classy slut.”

i have learned that younger men are just idiots in training.

so i went food shopping with my boss today. i’m sure it crosses some type of line but i doubt there is anything in the HR manual about it…

wow, i  have really grown as a person since i began dating – after my last few dates, i have realized i can’t just drink everyone fuckable as i previously thought. sigh, the end of an era…

my co-worker gave me some fabulous clothes that no longer fit her, for which i was most grateful; and i can’t tell you what an absolute boost to the ego it is to fit into someone else’s fat pants.

one of the benefits of dating beneath you, is that the dude immediately realizes he has hit the jackpot, hangs on for dear life, and worships you blindly.

i don’t want the upper hand in a relationship – i just want a stiff dick.

i always answer the door holding my pussy – well, he is an indoor cat. come to think of it, so is mine…

in this life you get what you give. i give a lot of blow jobs.

“lick me, stick me, and go home.” i doubt this is my original material but i’m having it needle-pointed on a sampler to hang over my bed.

most men are surprised at how welcoming, soft, & friendly my pussy is. you know, he really is a great cat.

and if my pussy likes you – you’re in..literally – animals are great judges of character.

it was going to be our third date and the dude had to work late so i told him to just come to my place for a drink. but i wondered, what does one wear to a date in her family room? that is normally where i am taking my clothes off.

people think i am so much more interested in them than i really am – i can’t help it, i get to talking, and my natural bullshit gene kicks in.

gaydar is nice, but i have laydar. i  can always spot the sure thing as soon as i walk into a room. of course, usually it’s me.

i’m really over the showering together thing unless he’s going to clean it afterward.

i drink a lot of those enriched waters to be healthy – my favorite is the vodka flavored…

i decided to keep my pants on tonight…i am so ashamed.

you can drop by anytime, but there is a two fuck minimum before you leave.

the sex with my new bf is so good, we don’t need a towel to mop up the wet spot- we need a wet vac.

we have decided to base our relationship on lies – to other people.

i will fuck you silly and let you completely violate me on the first date – but i absolutely draw the line at being friends on facebook.

if i’m not ready when my date comes to pick me up, i tell him to just hang out on the couch and play with my pussy  – the kitten never gets tired of it and these pussy jokes certainly never get old.

hey dana, seriously, thank you. ;-)

if you dig this blog, then dig it on facebook too! c’mon my ego needs you to.


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one liners- hey it's easy / Uncategorized — No Comments
5
Nov 10

PBS

screw blondes – bad girls have more fun.

good girl, bad girl – it’s really all a matter of perspective.

so i have replaced wine with chocolate, but i think i have to go to pills next – no calories.

writing inspiration always strikes when i am in bed – after all, it is where i do my best work…

as far as dating goes, i think i may be a seller in a buyer’s market…

so far there is no major difference between having the cat around the house and having a husband: he sheds, eats anything i give him, doesn’t clean up after himself,  licks me only occasionally, marks his territory by peeing where he’s not supposed to, doesn’t come when i call, hides to avoid activities he doesn’t want to do, and ignores me until he wants something. nice thing is, i can neuter this guy and give him away if i get tired of him.

i enjoy a romp with my battery powered friend before i go to sleep. but after being surprised i took a 4 hour nap the other day, a friend suggested that i not set my vibrator to stun…

you know, honestly, i didn’t want to get a cat at all, but it has given me a lot of new material – i have tapped into a whole new subject area since i can make endless double entendre pussy references now.

i have a friend who is a martha stewart of sorts and i just feel so inadequate around her – she really inspires me to want to do & be so much more…i have decided to stop hanging around her.

i was all set to go out to today and run a bunch of errands but then i realized i had so many unfinished things to take care of around the house – a bag of potato chips, a box of chocolate, and a bottle of wine.

i thought The Headache Excuse was completely bogus until i had one the other night -  i wouldn’t even do myself.

just how long have you let yourself go when you have to put “shower” on your To Do list?

my dating life is a train wreck and i am the unlicensed engineer.

The Biggest Loser is not only a reality show, but who contacts me online.

i am ready to dive back into the dating pool, but since there is no lifeguard, i am going to wear my floaties this time.

for some men condoms aren’t an option, you need a full wet suit.

thank goodness we educate new mothers about the possibility of post-partum depression after birth – but shouldn’t we do the same for new wives about post honeymoon depression after the wedding?

note to unworthy men: sometimes we fuck you because we have nothing else to do & we are just bored.

my resolve to get things done tomorrow is always so much stronger today.

i was at my friend dana’s house eating gas inducing hibachi leftovers and i asked her if she minded if i farted. she said, “no, but i just don’t want it to smell.”

i was immensely flattered to find out several of my friends must delete my texts.

dating has totally made me get why strippers hate men.

i was contacted by a hot greek man online. i began to respond, but remembered i had to do the proper background check first and google greek penis size first.

i think the problem with the dating pool might be that it’s only stocked with flounders & guppies and i’m a shark.

i would stop drinking, but nothing fun ever happens when i’m sober.

there are no alcohol bottles in my house – they are all outside in the recycle bin.

go ahead – jump in feet first into the sea of online dating – but wear a life vest.

i wish i could dvr my life – fast forward to the end of the work day, delete things i don’t like, watch the good parts of my day over & over again, generally avoid anything distasteful, and most importantly, set the frequency for sex.

i actually did give up drinking for awhile and i realized something very important: sobriety is greatly overrated.

my pal, jenna, & i poop at the same time every day (yes, sadly we discuss this) – some women synch their periods, we synch our bowels.

whatever i catch in the dating pool, must be thrown back – i am beginning to think it’s the bait…

being a lil’ bit crazy, but basically functional is fine, but being a batshit nutjob and wandering about free in the world should require some sort of identification be worn at all times so the rest of us have fair warning.

lice is going around the school. i worried about catching it until i found out they prefer to take residence in clean hair.

i’d like to see a female wrestler called The Ex-Wife kicking ass – or better yet, a super hero: among her powers would be the ability to make any deadbeat ex-husband pay up immediately and then banish him to a tower of isolation for eternity.

my girls have a problem with PBS: Pre-Bitch Syndrome.

i want to keep letting my hair grow until it’s past my boobs. question is, with a bra on or off? this obviously determines the amount it still has to go.

i don’t do name tags. chances are if i didn’t give a shit who anyone was before i knew their name, i’m not gonna start at a fucking corprorate cocktail hour. do adults who are capable of actual speech, remembering their own names, & controlled muscle movement really need to wear these things to break the proverbial ice? and, furthermore, it’s a good bet that i don’t want to be identified later…

conversation at work with cool boss:

boss: “do you think you will get married again?”

me: “no way!”

boss: “well, you are kind of negative about men.”

me: “wow, thanks for pointing that out – that’s a major breakthough.”

recently the girls & i were invited to dinner at their friend’s house. while helping clean up, i opened the fridge to put the leftovers away and the inside just looked so odd to me. i couldn’t put my finger on why until i realized it was full.

while totally warranted, bitter is such an ugly word used to describe me – i prefer tangy.

i have tried to be less lazy, but i’m just not that motivated do anything about it.

i have tried to be less high maintenance, but i just have so many needs to be met.

my cousin was hit on by a hot married woman who explained that her husband is a quadripalegic and they have “an arrangement.” cuz wasn’t sure he wanted to cross over to the dark side (something about morals), but, i, of course, advised him to go for it. he said, “ok, but if she pulls into the driveway in a wheel chair equipped van, that’s where i draw the line.”

it has recently occurred to me, i may be one of “those people.”

popping zits & bubble wrap: universally satisfying.

text conversation with a suspected jackass i had only been texting with for a few days, that even i found offensive:

jackass: “i am in manalapan, do you want to get spanked?”

me: “you have to be kidding me.”

jackass: “nope”

me: “i wonder if your dick is as big as your balls.”

jackass: never heard from again.

me: :-)

hey if you dig this blog, dig it on facebook too!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman — 1 Comment
22
Oct 10

RVS

here is how to tell if the guy you’re “dating” is too young for you: when pillow talk after sex is really motherly advice.

handy binge drinking hangover planning formula for the middle-aged: 1 hour for every year of your life multiplied by the amount of drinks you plan to have = the amount of recovery time you will need to allot afterward.

like the prince looking for the girl who fits the shoe, i will know i have met my beloved when he finds my magic bean.

an asshat by any other name is…my ex-husband.

i have mercy fucked the ugly, the poor, the young, the old, the hairy, the sweaty, the ill-tempered, ill-mannered, ill-equipped, the poorly skilled, the fat, the skinny, the weak, & the wretched. i am the gd mother theresa of sex.

looks like the boys of summer have gone; but that’s okay – because my vagina grows a thick coat & goes into hibernation over the winter.

since we got the kitten, i have no desire to go out & troll for men anymore. now i stay home & do what i do best – stroke my pussy.

we won’t be a truly civilized society until every restroom has butt wipes.

anyone know the etiquette governing sheet changing between one night stands? i just don’t have that much time for laundry.

i just want one dependable penis. is that too much to ask?

it is nearly impossible to find truth in dating and i am just tired of the inevitable disappointment – so i am going to run my sex life like an employment agency from now on: interested applicants will be pre-screened via an application process in which they must submit current photos, a resume outlining all skills & qualities applicable to the job,  complete employment history, a P & L statement, personal references and at least 3 glowing letters of recommendation from previous employers. after being granted an interview, candidates that make it to the second round must pass a simulated field test, blood test, & thorough physical examination. there will be temporary positions available with the possibility of long term employment if job performance is evaluated to be satisfactory. there is no vacation or sick time but full benefits will be available after successfully completing a designated waiting period. employment is strictly at will – my will. it will not be an EEO workplace either. only serious applicants need apply. 

i was talking to my cousin & lamenting the release of the last penis in my stable back into the wild. i was telling him how hard it was find a steady lay. he summed up the single woman’s situation perfectly, “you can get laid any time you time want, just not by whom you want.”

i am no fashionista, but aren’t footless tights the same as leggings? now crotchless, i understand.

does anyone remember when the manicurist actually gave a shit about NOT getting polish on your skin? this is what happens when you outsource american goods & services to overseas workers.

i frequently wake up in the night all tingly and unable to get back to sleep -i think i am suffering from RVS – Restless Vagina Syndrome.

some women do divorce planning before they file. i affair-planned.

want a free lunch? throw a card into my bowl.

i would be more apt to play barbies with my girls if they made some dolls i could relate to like Divorced Barbie and her slutty twin sister, Sowing Her Oats Barbie or their fun friend, Part-time Alcoholic Barbie.

i am old fashioned girl – i expect a man to pay for my dinner before he gets to have me for dessert.

a successful one night stand is just that- ONE night. don’t ruin it by actually trying to get to know each other.

my body is like a temple and those who do not worship it properly will be excommunicated.

single woman at confession: bless me mother for i have sinned. i had impure thoughts & slept around. head mistress: do two 20 year olds, and blow one old man.

these are my rules for “dating” those under 30: come over and fuck me when i call, every time i call, never ever stand me up, don’t ask for snacks, don’t whine about your mommy, don’t ask for career advice or to take a shower, and, for god sakes, leave immediately after we are done – i have shit to do in the morning.

so i’m settling into the new job nicely – my top drawer is filled with snacks, i have memorized the secret code to get into the employee “lounge,”  i have eradicated any evidence of the existence of the person before me (most likely tossing important papers i will need when i actually know what i am doing), & by day 6, i had my pants unbuttoned after lunch.

after the following conversation occurred in my bedroom:

“i’m going home to sleep.”

“well, of course you are.”

“well, are you at least gonna walk me out?”

“do i have to?”

i  decided to look into obtaining some signage so that the exits are clearly marked.

some people think it’s time i cleaned up my act – so i decided to take a 30 day pledge of sobriety & chastity. HAHAHAHAHAHA

i pray for world peace and freedom from asshats for all.

i have come to the conclusion that i am not a fan of showers of any kind unless it’s hand held.

no longer working with men is a welcome relief from all the oogling, flirting, & sexual tension -  i was starting to worry i was going to get fired for sexual harassment.

some people find success with yoga or meditation, but i didn’t feel truly at peace until i got in touch with my Inner Bitch.

there is nothing like a warm pussy in your lap -  once you go cat, you never go back.

how can booze & sex feel soooo good at the time, but soooo bad the next day?

you know you’re getting old when you have to slide that birth year bar alllllllllllll the way down to select the year. sigh.

this is terribly shallow, but it always surprises me when ugly people have affairs.

wrap dresses need to have cautionary labels such as: WARNING: A sudden gust of wind may blow dress completely open while you are walking past 27 car mechanics. Wear underwear at all times when using this product.

bumper sticker seen on horse drawn carriage: prince charming was a mama’s boy.

when a divorced woman is with her married friends, they seem to hold their husbands arms slightly tighter. married ladies, not to worry: we know your husbands, we have listened to you bitch about them, and most importantly, we are not interested in trading one jackass for another. that prize is all yours honey.

you can never go wrong just being yourself…unless you’re a total asshole.

while reflecting upon my failed marriage, i realized there were so many other men i could have chosen to disappoint me.

getting back into bed after the girls’ bus leaves on my day off isn’t so much about needing the sleep, so much as it is just knowing i can.

three things i have just accepted i am not going to do no matter how much i continually resolve to do them:

1. floss

2. make my bed

3. balance my checkbook

i pulled a “going out” bag i rarely use out of the closet the other night and found a wad of singles in it. at first i was elated, but then i became increasingly alarmed trying to trace its origins…

i would rather sleep with a stranger than have phone sex with him.

i was recently at a hotel i used to frequent for a completely legitimate reason and it didn’t feel right…

note sent from rapunzel’s tower: i’m bored. send shoes.

making new friends at work: over it.

i’m an optimist – i always see the vodka bottle as 1/2 full.

removing a new barbie from the package is like negotiating a hostage release.

it’s not the men i miss or even the sex – it’s the texts.

it’s a good thing i don’t have a bookie because i have borrowed wine bottles all over town with no intentions of paying ‘em back.

you know it’s finally over when you de-friend him on facebook.

i get on these food jags where i obsessively eat one thing until i get sick of it. usually, the only way to cure it is to just finally gorge myself on the thing in one sitting which makes me become disgusted with it forever after The Feed. it works in other areas of my life too -  i had tons of meaningless sex with strangers for a few months and i am completely done with that now. the vodka, however, is the anomaly to this theory.

here is the thing about reunions in middle age: as expected, the women, for the most part, look gorgeous and even better than they did in high school; or at the very least, are well preserved. what is shattering, is to see the beautiful boys you lusted after have all turned into short, fat, bald gnomes. this is particularly crushing when you are freshly divorced, feeling fabulous, and using The Reunion as a Dating Opportunity.

text exchange with my gf loreen:

me: s’up beyatch?

loreen: same shit. what are you up to?

me: ditt-O. cept now i do it with a cat

loreen: i hope you weren’t being literal about doing it with the cat.

me: nah. i’m done with males of all species.

loreen: now that was funny.

me: thank you, good night.

oh  my god. i just answered the door with a cat in my arms. it’s official, i am a Crazy Cat Lady.

i really don’t hate men – i’m just trying to head ‘em off at the pass.

the ex wants me to give him a ghet (a jewish divorce). oh, he can have his ghet, when i get the rest of what i’m supposed to get.

i just adore the kitten, but i am not going to be one of those people who talks endlessly about her pet; but i just have to tell you about the cutest thing he did the other day…

i remember when i first found out that all of those gorgeous male models with the six-pack abs & sculpted bodies were gay. that certainly set the tone for disappointment in men early in life.

one of my random hookups took the last condom home with him. i thought this was bad form. is he not familiar with the concept of a hostess gift?

i love that facebook personally tailors the ad sidebar for me: a weight loss ad, followed by a divorce support group ad, followed by a romance a millionaire ad. what, no vodka or AA ads?

my dating life is in recession headed toward a full depression.

Truth In Dating icebreaker: razor, laser, or wax?

terry cloth sweats are my preferred loungewear – they are highly absorbent and quickly mop up the spilled vodka – and then you can wring ‘em out into your glass. (i do so hate waste.)

i used to think asexual people were missing something, but now i think they actually have it all figured out.

whenever i bring a man back to my place, i like to slip into something a little more vodka.

oh bare minerals, you had me at sleep.

so i realized i was out of a few things for making school lunch and went food shopping in my friend’s refrigerator. the price was right but she wouldn’t honor my coupons.

new bumper sticker: wanna consumate?

when a friend of mine was trying to convince me to engage is some inappropriate texting, i told him i wasn’t sure about it because “i’m so shy…an absolute shrinking violet.” he responded, “more like a venus flytrap.”

when women say, “why are the good ones always taken?” i wonder what exactly is their definition of “good.”

is being a douchebag a choice or are you just born with it?

and in that vein, i am fairly certain anyone driving a yellow mode of transport, other than a school bus driver, is one.

i have no idea what the meaning of life is, but i do know vodka is clear for a reason.

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one liners- hey it's easy / rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — 1 Comment
20
Oct 10

the splash zone: episode 6

7 y/o to me while i was calling her friend for a playdate, “you will probably have to leave a message on her voice messaging system.” i giggled, which prompted 10 y/o to say to her,  “you are going straight to the blog.” 7 y/o to me,  “great, now you’re writing it down.”

10 y/o: “there are so many old people here.” me: “we are all going to be old one day.” 10 y/o: “yes, but you be will old much sooner than me.”

me: “a kitten will be a lot to handle.” 10 y/o: “yes, but i want one from the kitty litter.”

10 y/o after her sister sneezed: “i just got a little spritz in the splash zone.”

so, mommy is a sucker and we got a new kitten and the maniacal phototaking ensued. i said, “it’s like the paprazzi in here.” 7 y/o said, “no it’s the catarazzi.”

7 y/o was flailing her arms by my coffee and i said, “can you please watch this?” meaning be careful not to spill it. i went into the other room and after a minute she asked me if she could go pet the cat and i said, “of course, you don’t need permission.” and she said, “well, you told me to watch this.”

while catsitting, my mom’s cat, dexter, the girls were discussing getting our own kitten. 7 y/o said to 10 y/o, “shhh. dexter can hear you.” and 10 y/o replied, “i’m not cheating on him.”

me to 10 y/o, “well, i told you that already. you don’t listen to me.” “no, i don’t, do i?”

10 y/o: “cats are just like elderly people: they sleep, eat & poop.”

me: “you guys, this movie is so horrible.” 7 y/o: “that’s the point.”

the girls  & i got home late one night & i was too tired to make lunch before bed so i made it the next morning. after putting it in her backpack before leaving for school, 10 y/o looked at me & said, “well, the lunches got made this morning, but this isn’t going to become a habit is it?”

10 y/o on phone with her friend, “i’d like to have a playdate, but my mother has a homework policy.”

10 y/o noticed my frown when she took a bottled water which i like to reserve for school lunches and said to me, “you can buy more, mommy. i’ll give you the five dollars.”

me to 10 y/o referring to an online game: “i really do not find that game to be appropriate.” “why? it’s just a dress up game.” “look at how she is drawn: her boobs are huge.” 10 y/o: “they’re not huge, they’re ENORMOUS.”

10 y/o pondering her halloween costume, “i could go as a nerd.” me, “ok.” 10 y/o, “but that may be offensive to the kids that really are nerds.”

so my new job is technically in the mall, but i have a desk job, however, upon hearing of the location, 7 y/o exclaimed, “you get to work in  the mall? you are SO LUCKY!”

7 y/o, “mommy, if you keep wearing black to work , they are going to think you’re goth.”

while watching a show with 10 y/o, she asked, “so what’s this show about?” me, “just about their life together.” 10 y/o, “so it has no context whatsoever?”

girls and i were discussing how they would feel about me dating which prompted 10 y/o asked me if i was dating anyone. i told her i wasn’t and pointed out that i had told her that already. she replied, “well, i don’t pay attention to your background life.”

we were watching a show where the divorced couple was really amicable and 10 y/o asked, “why is the mom allowed in the dad’s house?”

every time i leave a room, my kids start yelling, “moooooooom?” while their dysfunctional need to know where i am every minute is somewhat flattering, i get tired of responding after the first 400 times. the other day i was ignoring the calls from the next room which prompted 10 y/o to say, “where are yoooooooooou?” i yelled back, “i left.” then i added, “maybe i should wear a tracking device.” 10 y/o agreed saying, “that would be nice for both of us.”

dinner at grandma’s house the other night included zucchini muffins (which 7 y/o thought were delish until she realized they were healthy) – 10 y/o said she really liked them because they had “a microwaveable quality to them” which reminded her of my cooking…

watching 10 y/o put ketchup on her plate sparked this conversation:

“i thought you didn’t like ketchup.”

“i like it only with specific foods.”

“like what?”

“french fries.”

“what else?”

“nothing.”

“well, that is specific.”

me to 7 y/o, “i notice you hardly play in your room anymore.” 7 y/o, “that’s because you make me clean it up.”

upon telling the girls, they would have to come with me to my doctor appointment, and 10 y/o asked, “is it for a genealogy test? i said, “i think you mean gynecologist.” “whatever, i don’t want to go to your vagina appointment.”

7 y/o to 10 y/o after i laughed at something she said: “she is just going to have more and more things to put in the blog. oh no. i just gave her one. i better just not talk. ugh. she’s writing that down too.”

7 y/o likes to pretend she’s a cat but she gets extremely rambunctious when she does. the other night, it was late & she wanted to play cat and i told her she could but she had to be a calm cat. 10 y/o chimed in, “yeah. a cat on meds.”

me: “look, a baby deer.” 7 y/o: “it’s probably a teenager. babies can’t be alone.”

7 y/o to me after i explained an idea to her, “this is your plan?”

7 y/o watching an untalented disney star (as if there is any other kind) sing, “he is totally lip singing.”

10 y/o was half-heartedly complaining about being blog fodder (she actually really loves the attention) and i said, “but i never use your names. no one knows who you are.” “right, you just say 10 year old and 7 year old like no one knows who that is.”

7 y/o remarked to her sister, “you are double digits now.” and then i said, “wow, you are getting so big!”  she replied, “yes, i’m a tweenager now. it goes from juvenille to tweennesss, to drinking adult.”

me to girls, “i made rice krispie treats yesterday.” 10 y/o, “you actually made something?”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — 7 Comments
5
Oct 10

put your burrito in my glove box

men want to know: why do women fake orgasms? i’m not sure, but i think it may have something to do with either your pathetic lack of ability, your sad, fragile, ego, or the fact that you just won’t stop asking if we don’t. quite frankly, i am not sure why we bother on any account – because it’s really fucking tiresome at this point.

and on that note, if you have to ask her if she came, you already have your answer.

the more men i meet, the more i don’t want meet any more men.

so i have a vibrator i use only for special occasions – it’s so powerful it must be plugged in…it gives you one hell of an orgasm, but it requires protective gear lest you obliterate your bean.

you would be surprised how many crises orgasms & booze can see you through.

so, while my pal was deciding what went best with mexican food, white or red, i was deciding on beano or gas-ex.

i’m starting my own dating site that has an honest name like, “the ones that were thrown back,” or “plenty of dicks in the sea,” or “short dudes need love too.”  but i think i’m just going to go with, “creepy strangers looking for sex.”

so my gf and i were trying to figure out the best way to have The Talk with our girls when The Time inevitably comes. you know, the one where every mother must explain to her daughter that she would be wise to sleep with as many men as possible lest she unwittingly commit to one small poorly skilled penis for the rest of her life.

here is what i want the 20 year old women to know: romantic comedies only happen in the movies, there is no Happily Ever After, and a Happy Ending is something that only happens in an illicit massage parlor.

found out the girl cat is a boy. my sister was shocked i didn’t know. and it was quite logical that she said to me, “aren’t you an expert in such things?”  but it turns out that applies only to my own species.

and when i was surprised the girl cat was a boy, the vet just looked at me quizzically and said, “really?” and i said, “well there was no hangy thing.” and she said, “he’s not a mountain lion.”

i love my new pleather couch, but what i adore most about it is how the spilled vodka just beads up for easy cleaning the next day.

i don’t do virtual sex of any kind: i find it’s enough for a man to leave me unsatisfied in real time.

i find forced small talk awkward, and the conventions governing such after sex are really unclear. like, just how long do you have to chat politely before you can ask him to leave?

is there a 12 step program for habitually sleeping with assholes?

here’s another benefit of dating men of all ages: you can literally see the evolutionary path of jackass to asshole right before your eyes: you can almost pinpoint the precise moment when he will become a huge disappointment to his future wife.

new bumper sticker: END MERCY FUCKING NOW

there is no amount of vodka that can prep you for a sleepover party in your home with 9 squealing 7 year olds – so don’t even try.

so the ex told me that i am “a liar, cheater, & a thief.” i told him he “forgot bitch, whore, & mental patient.” i just hate an insult that isn’t thorough.

screw the cab company phone numbers at the bar, i need a Booty Call Hotline. i can always bring a designated driver.

if i am an army of one, then i am coming to kick your ass.

the more sex you have, the more laundry you have to do. monica lewisnky had one dress – i have an entire sperm bank in my laundry bin.

i was beginning to crave the steady companionship of a man until we got the kitten. now i am content to stay home and stroke his soft hairy body. sheds a whole new light on the reasons women become Crazy Cat Ladies – literally.

from the i thought i would never have to buy that again files: i cut my asshole shaving several weeks ago (i’m sure i  have mentioned that i am very thorough in my personal grooming), and it wouldn’t heal; because, apparently, the swampy environment prevents proper ventilation which is needed for successful anal fissure recovery. after assuring me i didn’t have a dire situation occurring in my crack that would require full disclosure to future sex partners, my GYN told me i just need some diaper rash cream. guys, what is hotter than that?

how long do you have to be having sex with someone before you can demand they shave their back?

i farted loud enough to wake the new kitten. i am now worried i could blow him clear out of the bed.

male volunteers needed for a new study: i would like to test my hypothesis that if you stick a battery in a man’s ass, you can make his penis vibrate.

so in the throes of the passion, a guy once said to me, “oh, i can feel your g-spot.” you know what? i was glad one of us did.

this same jackass wanted to go in my jacuzzi with me, but i declined, explaining he wasn’t really worth having to clean out the tub the next day. that is a major commitment.

so, once upon a time there was a beautiful suburban princess with long brown hair. she married a toad who never turned into a prince. he locked her away in 2 story tower with a finished basement.  but she was lonely and  grew tired of waiting for a real prince to come save her. she got a fairy god-lawyer and took most of the stuff, 1/2 of the cash, divorced the toad, & dated happily ever after. the end.

expanding the age range of men you date just increases the amount of men who can disappoint you & the myriad of ways in which they will.

talk about “being in your prime,” – i am so gd horny i have to take the edge off with my shower head before sex.

sigh -the last of year of my “dirty thirties,” approaches – but i do look forward to the “fuck you forties.”

you know what makes up for being stood up by someone you weren’t that into to begin with? tater tots & vodka.

overheard at work one day: “put your burrito in my glove box.”

the most ashamed i ever felt after a one night stand was finding out after that the dude dressed up as a pirate in his spare time.

so, logically, it follows that i have tightened up my personal facebook policy – now, no one i have slept with can be my friend – lest a perfectly enjoyable encounter with a complete stranger be ruined by really getting to know him.

what’s is worse than the waste of time a bad date is? the fresh contacts & the waste of makeup.

i have decided to take a hiatus from dating, however, i am accepting applications for gay bff. i realized that is all i truly need anyway.

some things i miss about being married:

double dates with other married couples who clearly hate each other too.

dinners with other couples and being forced to listen to two equally annoying people tell a painfully boring story in tandem.

asking someone their opinion on anything.

pretending to like the in-laws.

having to listen to someone ramble on about their day & truly not giving a crap.

washing shit stained tidy whities.

applauding dishwasher emptying.

finding empty tp rolls after taking a massive dump.

man fur on the bathroom floor.

oh and don’t let me forget this: nothing.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — No Comments
23
Sep 10

SSDP

i’m developing a new line of washing machines for single women: it will have a sperm setting.

i’m starring in a new reality show called, “revolving door.” guest stars are only on for one episode.

i’m done having babies – i’ve become claustrofetus.

when considering potential dates, i really try not to be shallow, but i’m just not deep enough…

remember the almond joy/mounds commercial? well, i have a similar jingle: “sometimes, i wanna be a slut, sometimes i don’t…”

women truly want to stop fucking assholes, but ask any woman why she does and she will tell you that it’s so hard to let a good penis walk out of your life.

i should have slept my way up while i had the body for it. i would definitely be running something by now.

i can’t decide which was worse: my last hangover or the last dude i slept with, but i can always take aspirin to get rid of the headache.

the amount of patience i have for my kids is directly proportional to my BAC.

saw a police officer forget her car keys at the bank counter. apparently “to serve & protect” does not require a short term memory.

it occurs to me that i am literally being paid to give a shit when i crap at work.

since i moved to the kitchen & bath department, there has been a marked increase in massage shower head sales.

frequently, i am asked which shower head i recommend. this advice obviously differs on the gender of the individual and the intended use…

the cruel irony of the bath aisle, is that i once had to hold my pee for 40 minutes while discussing the features of different toilets.

some guys are just not worth the good lingerie.

my newest bumper sticker:  stop me before i sleep with another loser.

do any of those “club” stores sell condoms in bulk? and if so, does anyone want to go halvsies on a membership?

bedtime is when i am pointing my cell phone at the tv to change channels and getting really pissed off that the remote is not working.

i always thought “scifi” was cool, but “syfy” is just douchey.

not only is it hard to find good help, but it’s almost impossible to find a steady lay.

i just don’t trust people who don’t drink. what do they have to hide?

gentlemen: when in a bar and you feel strange boobs in your back, in most cases it translates to, “i think you’re hot.”

if i wanted to date a guy that ignores me, i would have stayed married.

i told a friend the scent of lavender helps me fall asleep (you know – on the nights when i have run out of vodka). she said that it’s also supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men. i said, i thought that was called sex. i have a hard time imagining men need something to lure them into the sack.

sometimes i will sleep with a dude in whom i  have no interest in ever seeing again just because i already shaved my legs.

some foods are just naughty: mounds, lays, hohos, ding dongs, snoballs, nutter butters. i love them all.

i once starred in a limited engagement off off off off off breoadway of a modern version of an old classic: goldilocks and the three penises. except i don’t have golden locks and i never did find one that was just right.

greatest compliment i ever received from another woman about my hair: “it’s like porn star hair.”

let me sum up online dating for you: SSDP: same shit different penis.

it’s not even a muffin top anymore – it’s more like a pound cake.

my sister was holding a 1/2 full wine bottle when i was driving us home from dinner one night (yes, even i have to take at turn at being designated). her worry that we could be pulled over was compounded by the knowledge of how vindictive my ex asshat is. i tried to soothe her by saying, “i’ve been taken to court for less.”

it’s official, i am a “cougar.” but, i think the next time i want attention from something needy, i’ll just get a puppy.

one day while unconsciously following a cheesy man around the store, because i tracked his scent like a horny teenage bloodhound, i realized i am still a whore for drakkar noir. i am truly ashamed but i accept there is just nothing i can do change that – i got my chops on it when i came up through the ranks.

i am so thrilled! my sister has asked me to be The Cougar of Honor at her wedding when she gets married.

yes, it is different than the other 20 i already have. so, never come between a woman and her shoes. or her purses. in fact, stay the fuck out of her closet entirely.

i’m sure this has been said numerous times, but i would like to reiterate: a good man is so hard to find, but a hard man is so goooooood to find.

only when i find the man that can make me want to throw away my vibrator and retire the showerhead, will i even begin to consider a second marriage.

i’ve tried several times to quit drinking and men. damed, if i can quit the drinking.

i’m looking for a new couch: i want a fabric that is durable, comfortable, & spooge-resistant.

it turns out i’m a racist – i just won’t date certain ethnicities based on penis size.

fried calamari and sangria: bad idea. fried calamari and sangria before sex: worse idea.

i am not big on fad diets but i found one that really works: The SWV Diet: you supplement all of your carbs with massive quantities of coffee, wine, & vodka.  you won’t lose a damn thing, but you won’t give a shit.

qvc has a “purses & shoe” channel. add cats and you have cornered the lonely single woman with considerable disposable income market.

i no longer have rolls. i have loaves.

keep in mind with online dating: the more expensive the site, the higher the grade of asshole.

you know what would really make chicks dig giving blowjobs? magic shell for penises.

when engaging in naughty texts prior to sleeping with someone, remember this law: the sexting is inversely proportional to the actual sex.

when it comes to phone/e-sex, most dudes can talk a great game but can’t deliver on the court. and you can forget overtime.

the problem with discovering a small penis is that it’s just too late when you do.

i’ve fallen and i can’t get off.

why do the guys with the smallest wangs think they are huge? it’s like a penile napolean complex.

before the cleaning service comes, i like to tidy up a bit – lest they find my bra in the couch cushions.

before e-dating, the only impersonal, non confrontational way to dump & humiliate someone was by leaving a message on the ol’ answering machine. now we have texting, voicemails, emails, IMs, facebook, and the logical companion to all of those which is my personal favorite: The Complete Lack Of Response. technology is so life enhancing.

has anyone seen the new “pro-glide” shaving cream commercial for men? it advertises “less tug & pull” and comes with a cream to use for “pre-shaving.” sounds like shaving just got a lot more fun..

if you can’t shake a creepy guy at the bar, tell him you’d love to go home with him now that the valtrex is finally working and you haven’t had an outbreak in months.

the toilet was not working, so i decided to try to fix it myself before calling in for professional reinforcements. i removed the wrong part, caused a geyser, and not only became covered in toilet water, but was in it up to my ankles. after wondering if 911 covers toilet emergencies, i worried that since i had been contaminated by toilet water, only  a plumber could now love me.

i wish i had GPS in college – that walk of shame home would have been so much easier to navigate.

i think fantasy sports leagues are just ridiculous. now, a fantasy penis league i could support.

or how about a fantasy shoe league? i’ll trade you the manolos for the vuittons.

in instructing a newbie in proper shower head use, i warned her to start out slow so as not to blow her bean off. it’s my most valuable advice.

fuck me once, shame on you. fuck me twice, now that’s more like it.

what is it about the makeup chick’s brush holster that screams power? she’s like a superhero of makeup sales. she can whip out just the right brush for a blush emergency. i am handy with the beauty implements, but i am sure her powder skills are clearly superior to my technique while wearing that tool belt. or maybe, she’s really a villain, because i end up buying tons of extra shit i never even wanted.

aren’t we all porn stars of our own sex life?

in observing so many out of state & canadian license plates, it occurred to me that the drive-thru line at mcd’s is the UN of fast food.

it’s a penis buffet out there when you’re single: so much to sample, you can go back as many times as you want, it takes a lot to get full, there is always dessert, but you rarely get your money’s worth.

men are like bottles of vodka: it’s always good to keep a few extra in reserve in case of a dry spell.

sex is like pizza: even when it’s not that great, it’s still pretty good and it’s always perfect for breakfast.

all i want is to find is the gomez to my morticia.

so i gave in and got a kitten for the girls. i named her Divorce Guilt, D.G. for short, but the kids call her Peanut. i like my name better.

isn’t it unnerving to know that at any given moment, tons of women are walking around bleeding heavily and some of them just tried on that same pair of jeans?

i told my friend that she should come stay with me on my free nights so i wouldn’t be tempted to go out & carouse. she said she didn’t realize it was that bad. i told her, that at the rate i’m going, i’m going to end up pregnant or in a clinical trial…

i am out of vodka and i can’t go out. where is that damn st. bernard when you need it?

if you want to know exactly what my marriage was like,  when you have some free time, watch the my morning straightjacket episode of american dad.

brilliant things my friends have said that i seriously considered passing off as my own:

“you know it’s an affair gone wrong when your bikini wax cost more than the motel room.”

“i speak guido.”

“say hello to my little bean.”

“important ratios: tooth to gum, tit to ass, dick to ball.”

“monogamy = monotony.”

“the one night stand exists because women allow it to.”

“the bigger the diamond, the more doomed the marriage.”

“tampons & chocolate should be sold in a combo pack.”

“the only thing a second marriage has going for it, is a second divorce.”

“i finally realized why i love my car lease. unlike my 3 year marriage, i will return it with no hassle, never have to see it again, and can upgrade to a better model.”

amen sistas.

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