pussy jokes never get old

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 12 Comments
14
Feb 11

astrokegs

today’s blog is brought you by the letter “Ohhhhhhhhhh” and the number 69.

there is this perfectly coiffed & overdressed gay dude who works at my store, but something is slightly off that i can’t seem to put my finger on – it’s like he’s a budget version/knockoff gay guy.

i hate when the cashier says, “ma’am after you i’m closed. can you tell anyone else who gets in line behind you?” NO! i hate that responsibility. i just want to buy some eggs, not do crowd control on the check out lines. why isn’t there some kind of system in place for this? like a shopping cart roadblock? or a flag for my cart? or a sign placed behind my ass?  hell, i will stick a fucking flag out of my ass if it means i don’t have to deal with that bullshit.

i thought i was sick of the dumbass men in my life, but i am even more sick of the men in my girlfriend’s lives and i can not get rid of them.

i always have a drink to calm those first date jitters. i like to start with a round of astroglide martinis. and make mine a double…

i thought getting my children ready for school was stressful because i’m not a morning person, but it turns out i’m just not a child person in the morning.

at my last job, my fellow employees played a game before i got there called “hide the beef jerky” which apparently provided hours of entertainment. this inspired me to come up with some of my own games to pass the time at my current gig when it gets slow, but anyone can pay along. so let’s play spot the toupee, find the escaped mental patient, let’s guess who got dressed without a mirror today, do i smell a crazy cat lady?, inter-department merchandise hide n’seek, water fountain olympics, intentional wrong direction jeopardy, things to do all day instead of actual work trivia, watch the clock-a-thon, secret online shopper, manicurist at my desk, guess what your co-workers look like naked, detect the creepy employee, just off the boat jibberish to english translator, creative cooking with the employee fridge/lunch scavenger hunt, ass-kissing for fun & profit, and 30 second security camera streak.

i knew my last relationship was over when he told me he didn’t want to text me anymore – he actually wanted to talk.

i don’t recommend looking at the victoria’s secret bathing suit catalog while eating an entire pizza.

you know online dating is not for you when one of your “matches” is a guy that sounds perfect after reading his well crafted profile, but upon doing a double take at his pix, you realize not only was he the biggest asshole you ever knew, but he was once your ex husband’s best friend.

having an affair may actually have saved my marriage – if only my husband hadn’t found out.

i still live in the town in which i grew up and i gotta get outta here – after avoiding the same people for so many years, i need some new ones to avoid.

i don’t need any sugar, so what is the etiquette regarding knocking on a neighbor’s door for tampons?

i am writing a new bloody and completely terrifying horror novel that even stephen king can’t top: Snowed In Without Tampons.

i think investing in the market today is all about finding recession proof stocks. i am investing in astroglide, tampons, vodka, & birth control devices.

i won’t you date for your money, but i will use you for your sense of humor so i can steal material for my blog without crediting you.

qualities that make a new bf extremely attractive: he not only has no issue with your shoe habit, but enables it by giving you a 20% coupon for a shoe website you didn’t even know about.

please, don’t drink and read. you won’t remember the ending.

keeping the house perfectly in order all the time while selling it is like constantly being on a heightened state of terrorist alert. i have to be ready for a possible homeland invasion at any given moment.

i wish i had my trainer’s personal phone number so i could call him up & bitch at him the next day for the incapacitating pain i am in.

scenes from suburbia:

vet’s office, 3 pm in the afternoon.

vet tech: “how may i help you?”

me: “i’m here to pick up p.nut…p.nut lost his peanuts today.”

vert tech does spit take. end scene.

i think pepto bismal should come in a vodka flavor.

a smart woman knows who butters her pussy…

i know texting while driving is frowned upon, but what about flossing while driving? is that a ticketable offense?

it sucks having a gay store manager. my adorable charms are completely ineffective.

do they sell astroglide in kegs?

what are those things called that you use to find treasure that has been covered up or hidden,?  oh yah – a boner detector.

me: i hate monkies.

mikey w: really? i was thinking of getting one – just so i can spank it.

what was that song about wishes? oh yeah – something like “when you wish upon a schlong, makes no difference who you’ve done…”

i appreciate the little things in life. well, except small penises…

astroglide is miracle-gro for penises –  just sprinkle some on & it will reach it’s full growth potential.

the right guy will think you are the best thing since sliced pussy.

don’t judge a penis by it’s owner.

never look a gift cock in the mouth. or it always put a gift cock in your mouth? i can never remember.

i serve guests water from my kitchen faucet and say it’s filtered. i lie. do you think that they won’t want to come back now? i prefer not to have visitors anyway.

i had dated a great guy who i thought may have been The (second) One.” there was just one teeny tiny thing that was a problem – his wife didn’t agree.

i don’t need a lot of attention. i need a lot of E-ttention! and i want it NOW.

my mom bought me one of those vacuum things that sucks the air out of opened wine bottles to keep the leftover wine fresh. it is just so adorable that she thinks an opened bottle of wine actually has a chance to go bad around here. or that there is even unfinished wine for that matter.

i hate groups, support or otherwise. i am more of a Lone Milf.

so i am writing a new exercise book, it’s called: Thin Things After 30 Lays.

i am very particular about the men i will sleep with – they must have a pulse or a penis.

it’s very convenient having a spare pussy – now the cat pays attention to my kids when i’m busy.

wouldn’t it be cool if you could put on a soundtrack to your own sex life?

my ex bf didn’t just play one on tv, he was actually a douchebag in real life.

i need a man who is the clyde to my bonnie of texting.

i’m a whore, not a fighter.

i like to tidy up a bit before the cleaning woman comes, so she doesn’t have to dust around the clutter of the lube bottles and vibrators…

gf: “i just heated up sake in a coffee cup. what is wrong with me?”

me: “this is exactly why you are my bff.”

i have no secrets…though some people certainly wish i did.

is it wrong for the tooth fairy to borrow money from the donor’s piggy bank for an unexpected lost tooth?

i love getting into my bed every night with just my warm pussy, but the girls really wish the cat would sleep with them.

i didn’t divorce plan, but i did affair plan. far more work i would imagine.

i think my pussy has herpes – he’s gets these blisters on his lip from time to time.

i’m really worried about my pussy’s swollen lip, so i went to the doctor, but the vet said it’s probably just an allergic reaction to something he ate.

i’m going to have a telethon to raise awareness for my blog. instead of donating money, you pledge facebook friends to like the swv fanpage and spread the gospel.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
9
Jan 11

season of the bitch

of all the sounds of a bright, new morning, the one i like best is the sound of the school bus pulling away.

if i was ever eaten by cannibals, i bet they would find i have been thoroughly marinated in a delightfully aged vodka sauce with a hint of pinot noir.

a good friend is always there when you need her, but a best friend will wax your ass crack no questions asked.

my friends tell me i give them great advice. too bad i don’t actually follow any of it.

well, it finally happened: i have pussy fatigue – i have grown tired of having the cat.

i’m working on a screenplay: the season of the bitch.

so, after 5 months – all the passion is gone: the cat ignores me 90% of the time while i feed him & clean up after him. i have to say it’s not much different than most of the relationships i’ve had, but it has lasted longer.

it’s great that we finally have the HPV vaccination for women – now we  just need one to prevent the dating of assholes.

hey don’t forget: bitches need love too.

has a 7 year old ever told an interesting story?

you know what the best thing about a break-up is? The Revenge Diet followed by the Look What You Gave Up  & Will Never Have Again Makeover.

recently, i met with a financial adviser: we decided on an investment strategy of 30% growth, 20% risk, and 50% vodka.

the cat’s marbles are becoming impossible to ignore and his nails are way too long – it’s time for a snip ‘n clip!

i can’t stand those crazy animal people in the vet’s waiting room trying to be friendly. i am completely happy to be the snotty chick with the ONE cat who is not interested in your inane pet small talk about your disturbing relationship with your multiple animals and is certainly not amused by your shetland pony of a dog sniffing my crotch even when he is wearing a delightful bandana around his neck from his visit to the groomer yesterday.

i keep calling my kids by the wrong name, so i decided to just give them one of those cute celebrity combo names. is 2painsinmyass taken?

i decided to stop drinking at home – i’m strictly going out to do it.

i have been suffering from terrible work insomnia lately – i just have not been able to fall asleep at my desk no matter how tired i am.

i find playing Solitaire oddly comforting, it’s a game, but i’m organizing…

you can put your finger up my ass and your dick in my mouth, but do not put your toothbrush in my bathroom or your razor in my shower.

as a good friend pointed out, you can have a man with a big dick and a tiny brain or a tiny dick and a big brain. sigh, it is true that you just can’t have it all in one guy.

i am going to host a Dysfunctional Dinner Party: it will be pot luck, but instead of bringing your own dish, you bring you own disturbed relative. then we sit back and wait for the dinner theatre to commence.

or maybe a Dysfunctional Family Scavenger Hunt: 20 points for a an never married drunken aunt over 40, 30 points for an inappropriately touchy uncle, 40 points for getting two bitterly divorced parents in the same room, 50 points for a third cousin who has done jail time and is out on bail, 60 points for a kissing cousin, 70 points if it’s your first cousin, 80 points for your brother in law’s mistress or sister in law’s underage lover, 90 points for your brother’s baby mama, and 100 for any relative that has been to rehab more than once. first prize is a gift card to your favorite therapist.

i am sooo tired of being pegged as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. while it may be true, i feel like it really belittles my bitchy side.

what do grilling & cunnilingus have in common? most men grossly overestimate their skills at both and rarely achieve either to a woman’s satisfaction.

ladies, do not confuse “complexity” with “stupidity.”

i am so fucking sick of re-post demands on facebook. you can’t make me!

even when i don’t drink the night before, i wake up with a headache in the morning. my hang-overs must be set to cruise control.

my daughter doesn’t think i am a “cool” mom. i told her i didn’t care. i lied.

the more ways technology provides for me to keep in touch with people, the more ways i have to blow them off.

beer without alcohol? coffee without caffeine? that’s like sex without orgasms and air without oxygen: pointless.

oops i did it again: i faked the orgasms.

the aroma of freshly baked brownies is how balls should smell.

my last relationship didn’t make it through a complete case of the soda he was keeping in my fridge. i should have listened to my gut when i had that feeling that buying more than a 6 pack was thinking too long term.

i wish there was a way to meet the penis before the man and then assess if he’s even dating material – a reverse dating service where you sleep with him first and then see if you want to actually go out on a date after.

why do men think that they can fuck around behind our backs and we won’t know there aren’t other vaginas in play?

my policy on getting back together with an ex is similar to that of a retailer: no credits or returns after 14 days but i will gladly make an exchange for an item of greater value.

i have a hard outside with a soft, gooey center; but like a tootise roll pop, you never know how many licks it will take to get there.

i am sure i have said this already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could de-friend people in real life like you can on facebook?

i have been living clean now – it’s a struggle but i take it one day at a time – i am proud to say i have flossed for 2 days in a row. i want a medallion.

i am instituting a new dating policy after this last break-up: it’s called Pay 2 Play. i realized no one’s gonna buy the bottle, if they are gettin’ the vodka for free.

i know this is hard to believe, but i think i’m finally done with the drinking and sleeping around phase of my divorce recovery – the Suemusement Park is O-fficially closed and will re-open only for select season’s pass holders.

be a facebook fan! please…

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one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 6 Comments
4
Jan 11

WWSWVD?

i don’t care how you package up monopoly: classic, simpons, disney, junior, or mall edition. it’s all the fucking same: B O R I N G.

i am so over younger men – i am too old to date a guy who still lives with his parents, borrows his dad’s car to see me, & has to save up his allowance to take me to applebee’s.

oh santa, i was soooo bad this year but it was sooooo good. i don’t plan on making your good list next year either.

hormonal or just bitchy? potato. po-TAH-to.

how about for this year, we all just resolve to throw the year’s worth of gym fees out the window, move on, and avoid the guilt of quitting by february?

Q: what is worse than being snowed in with your kids? A: being snowed in with your in-laws.

my girls and i went to my friend’s house for christmas day as the token jews. everyone got along so nicely. no one drank too much or insulted anybody. the food was cooked all the way through and was all delicious. it was such a normal family gathering – hardly any evidence of dysfunction at all – i have never felt so out of place in my life.

drinking really can be hazardous to your health – i sliced my finger open twice removing the the foil from the wine bottle.

helpful holiday tip #27: when you re-gift something shiny, make sure you polish the fingerprints off of it first.

the second biggest holiday of the year is Slutmas. that is the day after x-mas when all of the relatives have gone home and the wives and girlfriends thank their men properly for the expensive, shiny shit they just gave them. it’s also, known as Bonermas in some circles. not to be confused with Blow Job’s Eve which is traditionally the night before she anticipates getting that big gift.

Merry Slutmas, bitches! Santa Balls You is cummin to town!

i can not get behind the whole freaking out at the forecast of snow and running to the supermarket with the rest of the lemmings to “stock up” on milk & bread. unless you have infants at home, what will happen if your family runs out of these staples for 2 days at the most? it’s not fucking little house on the prairie where pa & the last good horse have to leave the family in the cabin for 7 days to brave the wild frozen tundra to get mary’s scarlet fever elixir from town (and i never understood why they lived so far from town in the first place). the closest you will ever come to being a pioneer is having to walk your yappy little dog whom you have most likely dressed in a doggie sweater and booties in 15 degree weather in snow up to your knees, maybe. now if you tell me you must go out to get vodka, cigarettes, wine, & astroglide, that i can understand.

my pussy always wants to play – that’s how kittens are.

i pay a lot of attention to my pussy – otherwise he gets bored and claws the furniture.

when my gf’s ask for advice, i just say WWSVWD? What Would SWV Do? i think i’m going to have that put on those rubber bracelets.

i am not going to make a list of resolutions this year so much as a to-do list i am going to shove in a drawer and ignore.

one of the things about motherhood that is so exhausting is the constant sharing of everything – now it’s my cell phone, my food, my drinks, my computer, my bed. eventually it will be my clothes, my shoes, my makeup, my car, my tampons. unless they start anteing up some good stuff in return, i am so done with it.

being snowed in so close to new year’s inspired me to reflect on my regrets of the past year: had i only let my landscaper plow me, he would have plowed my driveway too.

how do you know for sure chivalry is dead? when you dig out of  36 inches of snow by yourself for 3 hours (though a small price to pay for my freedom).

my forearm was killing me from the repetitive motion of shoveling but i just had to keep going until i was done. this must be how 13 year old boys feel when they first discover masturbation.

i am sore all over and not in the good way.

snow is the only time you will get something that goes very deep, is over 6 inches, and is white.

there is nothing like a new pair of shoes and a good orgasm to cure what ails you.

when i find random screws around the house i always wonder where they came from and if something is about to fall apart.

i handled my last relationship as badly as marcia clark handled the OJ trial but i didn’t get a makeover and a tv show after it was over.

every time i try to quit drinking they keep pulling me back in.

the chinese calendar says 2011 is the  year of the rabbit. on the swv calendar, it’s The Year Of the Boot.

if the school requires my kid to be in a choral recital to graduate, do i have to go?  and if so, shouldn’t they have a drink cart? think of the money the PTA would raise…

my gf told me she reads my blog while on the crapper. i was so flattered!

i’m sooo over the cat now that i’m out of pussy jokes.

a friend suggested i train to the cat to make me drinks in exchange for cleaning up after him which isn’t all that different from any of my previous relationships.

why do i like cats? i have a lot in common with them: i hate to be picked up, i only want attention when i ask for it,  and if i don’t like you i will just ignore you & hide until you go away.

why don’t i like dogs? they are too needy, stupid, & messy. much like most of the men i have known…

like swv on facebook too!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
19
Dec 10

The Freshman 15

i have hit another huge milestone since the divorce: i got my first set of junk mail labels with my new last name.

people are surprised how soft & silky my pussy is – well, i do brush him every day.

you know what is total BS? having a middle aged body with teen-aged skin. i hope clearasil makes a wrinkle cream.

my pussy is getting such a thick coat of fur – he must be preparing for the winter.

mimes & ventriloquists: if they all suddenly disappeared & never returned, i doubt anyone would really care.

dana: my son needs pictures of things that start with “W.” is a wine bottle inappropriate?

i am starting to think having a pussy is more trouble that it’s worth – he is destroying my house.

long live grapes and batteries.

i am converting to a new religion: Born Again Bitches. the church choir will be called The Sisterhood of the Traveling Tampon.

people always ask if i decide to get remarried, will i want more kids. more kids? i’m not sure i even want the ones i already have.

it may be time to upgrade the shower massager to a power washer…

carpe dickem! seize the dick.

i don’t need a full brazillian since i just want my ass crack waxed. what would that be? a grecian?

i’m working on a  divorce recovery program: basically it involves a lot of drinking, some minor pill popping, and a ton of meaningless sex with strangers. I am calling it My 20′s.

when it comes to blow jobs there are 2 kinds of women besides swallowers and spiters: the generous & the stingy. the generous are happy to do it any time for anyone and don’t mind their head being pushed into a strange crotch. the stingy think it’s a special gift to be doled out at their whim that better be gratefully received and never actually requested. food for thought…

you know what having the first fight means? having the first make-up sex.

i totally misconstrued the meaning of The Freshman 15 – i thought it was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with the first semester.

you are not truly on a budget until you are buying 1 ply toilet paper.

seen on the back of a dump truck on my way into work this morning: “our goal is to fill your hole.” well, why didn’t you say so, earlier?

i think it’s time to get my rug cleaned. come to think if it, the carpets could use a shampoo too.

do not get the “mexican blend” coffee at wawa – it’s a scam – there is absolutely no tequilla in it.

all men think they are bobby flay on the grill and ron jeremy in the bedroom.

college kids today have so many advantages we didn’t – i can only imagine how much more enriching my educational experience would have been with cell phones, the internet, and gift cards.

it’s really important to eat enough fruit & vegetables -  so i have  2-5 servings of orange, raspberry, & lemon vodka a day.

do you think the percentage of couples that break up after jan 1 is equal to the percentage that start dating october 1st?

if you can send your dog to obedience school, then why not your man? who’s a good boy? yes, you are! you’re my good boy!

and what about bringing him to the kennel, for that matter, when you need a vacation?

men, can’t live with ‘em, can’t lick your own pussy.

pussies rub themselves to get their scent on everything & claim ownership. that’s one of the things you have to put up with when you own a cat…or a woman.

ho, ho, ho? well, no wonder why santa is so merry.

you better not spit, you better get plowed. santa balls is coming to town.

if you fart in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it still smell?

so i told my bf he could come in my back door anytime – i gave him the spare key.

like these Tales of my Debauchery? then register here and like me there: facebook

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
8
Dec 10

postcards from the ex

i judge the quality of my workouts by the amount off ass crack sweat produced.

anyone can have a self-cleaning pussy – get a cat.

remember postcards from the edge? well i’m doing postcards from the ex. the top seller so far is:  “glad you’re not here.”

popcorn smells equally as good popping as bad as it does when burned.

i’m not very religious, but i do like to say a little prayer before bed:

now i lay me down to sleep,

most of the stuff i got to keep.

should the ex die ‘fore i wake,

i pray for the rest of his shit to take.

my friend likes to mix raspberry stoli w club. i prefer xanax.

my pussy is vicious – he bit me.

my boyfriend really knows how to push my buttons – thank goodness.

i’m writing a christmas porno: yes vagina, there is a santa cock.

and a new chanukah song too:

dildo, dildo, dildo, i made you out of glass.

when you’re good and ready, i shall stick you up his ass.

oh, dildo, dildo, dildo. i made you out of clay.

now that’s one game of dreidel i’d surely like to play.

you only get one chance at, “i’m not crazy.”

do you think when the dunkin’ donuts guy gets home he tell his wife: “it’s time to fuck the donuts?”

me to a gf discussing sex toys: “you can’t bust out a used cock ring with a new guy. that’s the kind of thing that needs to be fresh out of the wrapper.”

me: “how is your sister?”

dana: “she’s been pumping and she’s happy she has been getting some milk out.”

me: “that’s good. i’m glad she’s getting some.”

dana: ” yes, now we are all getting some.”

this week of 1/2 days at school is killing me – it’s completely fucking up happy hour.

the snooze button is only fun when you’re the one pressing it.

you are so cute when you think i care.

wisdom from the BFFA: “there is a time and a place to shave your balls; and the morning is not it.”

my aunt flo is such a bloody cunt.

i love my little pussy and so does my bf.  i am so glad i got that kitten.

BFFA: “is great sex the only reason to have a relationship?”

me: “no, not the only reason…but a really good one.”

i was once an outside salesperson, so i appreciate this Tale From The Road a friend recently shared with me:

“first of all, i get to the house and it was not there. there was an empty lot. after many calls to find out where she is, i finally get in touch with the customer and she says, ‘i’m glad you called because i am bleeding from my rectum. so, i think i should cancel my appointment. do you think i should call 911?”

you can not make that shit up!

dana: “i’m going to have a liquor free night.”

me: “i have heard of those, but i thought it was urban legend.”

well, the circle of life is complete: my kids have made fun of my old photos just as i did to my parents.

as i get older, the men i lust after get younger.

the traditional rhyme for the second marriage: something muscled, something smooth, something wealthy, with a clue.

some say, the first time for love, the second for money. i say the first time for money and second for love and you are stylin’ for your midlife crisis.

i just witnessed two grown men do a secret handshake at the gym. unless you are starring in a sitcom when you do this, you are jackass.

after watching ellen, i hope it’s not that we are so inept as a society that we really need talk show hosts to have celebrity chefs show us how to make hot cocoa, and that it’s just desperation for content.

me & BFFA discussing relationships:

me: “men are just generally idiots.”

BFFA: “i’m not.”

me: “of course not, honey. you’re the exception.”

remember, looks are not important – only being able to drink someone attractive enough is.

what i hate most about going to the gym is the dreaded Uniboob Phenomenon induced by the sports bra.

there are so many weight loss cleanses on the market today, but i found one that was successful: The Vodka Cleanse. for maximum results, you must follow a low fat diet, drink a lot of water, and engage in 60 minutes of “cardio” every day with a young, hot personal trainer.

i was on the social security website and there was a link that said: “special instructions for people who are blind.” ummm…helloooo?

how about this sign right outside the gym door: “please do not smoke by the entrance.” i think it should just say, “if you are going to smoke here, please don’t have a heart attack on the treadmill.”

it’s 11pm: do you know where your vodka is?

one day after changing the water, i filled the fish bowl all the way to the tippy top because the cat likes to drink out of it. the next morning my 10 y/o discovered the fish lying dead on the table because it had apparently committed hari kari, but she blamed the cat. i found out later that betas are prone to jumping out of the bowl if the water is too high. i had no issue with still letting the kitten take the rap.

i want a sex GPS: “in .5 seconds, stroke here, at the next turn, lick for 10 minutes” you could choose a sexy voice, set it exactly for the proper spot, make it partner specific or put it on auto-pilot and never be worried about getting lost and missing an orgasm again.

i love how my pussy smells after my bf leaves- the cat always has his cologne all over him.

some pussies have long hair, some short, but i prefer the completely hairless  – the sphynx breed.

if i ever got remarried i’d have a modern version of wedding vows:

do you promise to keep your weight within plus or minus 5 pounds of today’s number? will you always replace the toilet paper roll and leave the seat down? will you keep the floor free of your dirty undies and never turn into a disgusting slovenly pig? will you never eat the leftovers without asking? will you take out the fucking garbage without being asked, change light bulbs as needed, and not expect for a pat on the back when you empty the dishwasher? do you promise to set boundaries with your mother?  do you promise not to fight dirty and never take me for granted?  and in exchange, i  will promise not to pms like a banshee, never turn him down for sex, never get fat, shave every day, always keep the house bar properly stocked, and never let my true inner bitch completely loose.

BFFA pondered: “does the hair on your balls grow as fast as the hair on your head?” me: “let’s not find out.”

dana giving me relationship advice: “i love you so much and you know that, but you’re being an asshole. so stop it.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
5
Dec 10

The Fighting Vaginas

me to dana: “that is such good news – i’ll drink to that… no, really, i will.”

BFFA: “do you swing?”

me: ” i never have , but i’m not opposed to it.”

BFFA: “see, this is why i love you,”

the BFFA & i have just passed an important milestone in our relationship – our first menstrual cycle together.

i am really worried i am one vodka tonic away from hooking up with a chick.

adult cereal should have adult prizes like mini bottles of booze, a sleeve of vicodin, a shot glass, The Bullet, or 2 double a batteries.

during my senior year of college, i was all set to go to grad school to become a psychologist and then i realized something really important: i really don’t give a shit about other people’s problems.

mikey w. “the new chick canceled on me for tonight. should i try to get last night’s chick to blow me?”

me: “you could or maybe you could let your dick dry out for one night.”

the BFFA’s bday is before mine which means i have to set the birthday celebration bar. naturally, it will be extremely high, expensive, & excessive.

three things i will never do myself: clean my house, paint my toenails, and put air in my tires.

i don’t understand how can i be turning 40 this year when i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination.

me: “i promise to behave.”

BBFA: “according to who’s standards? yours are pretty low.”

richard simmons may sweat to the oldies, but i sweat to the hotties.

BBFA: “you’re still bitter about your divorce.”

me: “not at all. i am thrilled about the divorce-  it’s the 17 years that preceded it that i am bitter about.”

i am so laid back because i lay back…

fall is here – make sure you clean your yard and and trim that hedge.

BFFA: “that’s why i like you – you get all my jokes and think they are funny.”

me: “so, you’re just using me for my comedy?”

BFFA: “no, i am using you for your body.”

me: “oh. okay, then.”

i think one of the secrets to maintaining a lasting relationship is proper personal grooming: it’s hard to say “i love you” with a pubic hair stuck to the back of your throat.

i am so excited about being an aunt that i have decided to pay for my nephews’ education – they can go to the best bartending school in the country and i will even personally set them up with apprenticeships when they graduate.

BFFA: “at what age can you stop shaving your balls?”

me: “when you stop wanting blow jobs.”

lor on dating: “new relationships are like crack in the beginning, but eventually the negatives come out. it can’t be orgasms all the time.”

if you are an adult man wearing a backpack it’d better be for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. you are “special.” 2. you lost your sherpa. otherwise, you are just really creepy.

BFFA: “do you recycle?”

me: “only my men.”

it never fails, i always leave something behind when i jet the next morning -  my self respect.

i’m convinced the scale at the gym is rigged to make you think you’re heavier than you are so you will never let your membership expire.

BFFA: “is that all you want from me – sex?”

me: “pretty much.”

BFFA: ” i am the chick here.”

mikey w: “i’m 38.  finding a woman my age without kids is like finding a fucking unicorn.”

my pussy totally smells like tuna – well,  i ran out of cat food and i had to feed him something.

i think i will start my own female football team. i will call it The Fighting Vaginas. the team color will be red and the mascot will be a giant tampon.

the next bitch who comes into the bathroom at work and says, “full house!” is getting nailed with the stall door.

have vodka will travel

the nephews are really cute – i’m looking forward to all of their developmental milestones like crawling, walking, &  mixing drinks.

one of my pre-set stations on my car radio turned into a country music station overnight. shouldn’t they have to give you 2 weeks notice?

me: “come to my place tomorrow. p. nut would love to see you.”

BFFA: “it’s always about your pussy, isn’t it?”

no matter how hard you scrub the next day, you ain’t gettin’ off the stank of regret.

if you’re gonna cook in my kitchen, make sure you preheat my oven.

love means never having to say, ‘”where are my pants?’

you don’t feeling like shaving? that’s ok. i don’t feel like waxing my mustache.

send me home sore or don’t bother.

i never stand on ceremony – unless it will make me appear taller.

i like those memory foam mattresses, but i wonder if they leave evidence. like will it remember me the next time i come over or worse – have the impression of some others chick’s body on it?

vets could really increase revenue by doing a twofer special: bring your pet in to be fixed, get your husband done for free.

among the fondest memories of my childhood, was the time i discovered the speeds on the shower massager had little do with showering and much more to do with massaging.

shame is like the stench after being sprayed by a skunk – you can try all sorts of things to get rid of it, but it generally just has to wear off in it’s own time.

true story: in the restroom at the 2o year HS renuinon,  i ran into one of the snotty twats from hs who still wouldn’t say hello, so i told her that she is still a bitch.

one of the best days of my life was june 21, 2009: not only were the divorce papers signed and the asshat moved out, but i called my ex-monster-in law a cunt to her face. twice.

BFFA: “i’m not wearing a belt.”

me: “i’m not wearing underwear.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
2
Dec 10

BBFA

spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…

life is all about setting boundaries and learning to  just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.

every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.

well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.

BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?

i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.

i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i  just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”

i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.

i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.

mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”

i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.

i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….

the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk”  isn’t a mood.

regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.

after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.

when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.

one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.

hey jamie, you’re in the blog.

i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?

i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?

actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…

i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…

i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.

recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”

in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.

i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.

and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.

we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”

i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.

after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”

my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.

the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.

me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”

dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?

i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.

is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?

i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.

debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”

at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:

loreen: “who’s that?!”

me: “that’s don.”

loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”

me: “yes he does. you can have him.”

upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”

me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”

of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…

i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.

judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.

and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?

are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?

and to all the ladies at work:  do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.

what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”

what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”

BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
21
Nov 10

FFIP

it’s hard to date just one person, and as yvette says: “it ain’t cheatin’, if you’re just eatin’…”  i assume this applies to “beatin’ ” as well?

what is this business of getting to know each other before having sex? that is absolutely ridiculous – if the sex is bad, there is absolutely nothing else i need to know.

my old college buddy, miller, has now dubbed me, “surly with vodka.” as long as there is vodka, i don’t care what you call me.

things are moving kind of quickly with The BFFN (The Boyfriend For Now) and i have to tell you that i am really excited to get to that part of the relationship where i have to shower less…

we have decided to be exclusive – we don’t want to date any other couples.

he loves to pet my pussy – i’m really starting to become jealous of that cat…

the other day was National Smokeout Day. i think i may have misconstrued the meaning – turns out it was cigarettes, not pole.

the tightness of the pants i wear on a date depends on how quickly i plan to be out of them.

i’m not on west coast, central mountain, or eastern time. i’m on BCT: Booty Call Time.

Adam: “so, what are you going to wear on your date tonight?”

me: “something easy to slip out of.”

Adam: “are you planning on having sex?”

me: “do you have to ask?”

the new relationship is going so well – my only concern is the challenge it presents to my cynicism…

i have found BFFN’s fatal flaw: he snores deeply enough to suck small planets out of orbit.

BFFN asked me to promise not to fake the orgasms and i agreed as long as he promised to give me the reasons not to.

bumper sticker: have toothbrush, will travel.

i think the alarm clock could be improved by replacing The Snooze Button with a Morning Sex Button.

BFFN: “so, what kind of wine do you like?”

me: “cheap. like me.“

when people tell me to “behave” or not to “work too hard,” i just laugh – those are two things i never do.

BFFN: “my friend sent me pictures of his wife naked.”

me: “omg. what an asshole. let me see.“

before we go out, my friends tell me to keep my pants on and i admonish them not to.

it was friday night, and all across the land, bootay was being had. the queen was pleased.

BFFN: “you are the horniest girl ever.”

me: “thank you.”

since i have 2 girls, i am fascinated by my new nephews’ little wangs – its the only time tiny penises are adorable.

there is a cliched poster female co-eds like to hang in their dorm rooms – the one with the gorgeous man holding the tiny baby in the palm of his hand. now, this is where they have it all wrong – make it a balding, overweight, middle aged guy who never hears the baby crying at night and maybe we won’t have to suffer through the palins or shows like 16 and pregnant anymore.

mikey w: “i used to date a girl who liked me to cum on her face so she could rub it in – it’s good for the skin you know.”

me: “i’ll just stick with Oil of Olay.”

my pussy is so well groomed – i brush him every day and clip his claws every week.

me: “i’ll bring the booze. do you want cheap vodka or cheap wine?”

dana: “things seemed to be going so well. i don’t understand what happened.”

me: “he must have met someone else.”

dana: “or, he didn’t like how my vagina tasted.”

me: “well, that is always a possibility.”

i love car seat warmers – they provide all of the pleasant warmth of peeing in your pants with none of the wetness.

my pussy is so clean – he is always licking himself.

i was texting with my sister and mikey w. at the same time: the first convo involved giving motherly advice about the new babies, the second was a discussion of our sexual conquests in great detail. i just loved the irony of Parallel Textersations.

BFFN: “did you want to have sex?”

me: “well duh, of course i do, but what made you ask?”

BFFN: “well, you came back from the bathroom holding your belt & your pants are unbuttoned.”

hope was worried her date wouldn’t like the fact that her nail polish was chipped. i told her not to worry about it unless she was going out with a gay guy.

mikey w.: “who the fuck knows.”

me: “no one. so just fuck who you know.”

i’m really into the new bf, so i don’t want to date anyone else, but i do normally like to keep my options open, and by options, i mean legs.

i am going to market a new line of Do Not Disturb/Housekeeping hangers for the door that are more honest. one side will say FFIP: Fuck Fest In Progress. the other side will say, Caution: Wet Sheets.

BFFN: “you have to get off me – i really have to go now & get ready for that wedding today.”

me: “call in sick.”

the only time i condone the use of marijuana is for purely medicinal reasons – like before sex.

you should always visit a guy’s place before becoming too involved with him- it’s very important to see him in his natural habitat.

the beginning of a relationship is always so wonderful – the getting to know one another, the mind-blowing sex, the falling in love much too quickly, the trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with each other and when it’s all going to go to shit…

when we go on dates, women generally operate with the knowledge that the dude most likely only just wants to fuck us – any chick over 30 who doesn’t realize that is a moron or amish.

fuck that mars, venus bullshit.  i think it’s more like oil & water: with enough agitation, you can get them to mix well together briefly, but no matter what, they always end up separating completely.

i pride myself on being the sanest one over a wide demographic of crazy friends, proving once again, that sanity is all relative.

ever hear of the wolf in sheep’s clothing? well i think i may be a dude in chick’s clothing…

you’re allergic to my cat so you can’t ever come over to my place? that is puuurrrrfect.

i like to go to the guy’s place – let him clean up the aftermath of the crime scene i’m surely going to create in the bedroom…

having all of this technology while dating creates new ways to asses a match: for instance, i find it very important that there is Compatible Textiquette. i think there should be a category on the profile called Text Preferences, because a mismatch in that area can be a total deal breaker. you would mark like desired frequency, preferred response time, and how just soon filthy texts can be sent…

on the subject of texting though, too much of it before you actually meet gives you false sense of knowing the person and feeling comfortable with him which normally leads to major disappointment in the real life meeting. although, i have had great Text Chemistry with many guys prior to meeting them, the excessive texting did not reveal the growth on the neck that should be looked at immediately, the hairy arm that was suggestive of a recessive werewolf gene, the bad breath that could not be cured with even a stick of minty gum, the nervous tics that had me running into the rest room hoping for a window to jump out of, the ripped dirty sweatpants, the rent-a-wreck he came in, the bad manners, the fact he hasn’t showered since his last date,  or the fact that someone else had to be writing for him because the real life person was lacking any wit or personality. you gotta be careful with your virtuality – it’s an e-jungle out there.

i decide if i will sleep with a guy the minute i meet him by assessing if i can drink him fuckable.

i just hate to leave my pussy alone all night – i think i’m gonna have to start bringing him with me.

BFFN after checking out my laundry room: “i have to bring some laundry over, you have big machines.”

me: “i do have big machines. just make sure you bring some quarters for my slot.”

can u imagine how creepy you would be if you actually winked as much in real life as you do in texts? ;-)

i was razzing BFFN about not wanting to go see him in his White Trash Apartment and he told me i had to go to the jungle to get ravished. apparently, me: jane, he: horny.

me referring to the kitten: “look, my pussy is excited to see you.”

BFFN: “so, what’s new?”

we have only been dating a week but it feels so much longer. a quick, cursory review might reveal why: we saw each other 5 out of 7 days, i have done inappropriate things to him in his apartment with clearly, no regard for his children sleeping in the next room, i demanded that he quit smoking on the first date, i agreed to go with him to his family’s thanksgiving dinner and meet his entire family (not shockingly, i was given the caveat to behave), we have watched 4 movies and exchanged toothbrushes & contact lens cases, and he did the pleasantly surprising & unexpected I Brought You Coffee Drop-By (he already knows how i like my coffee – Giant Skim Latte. STAT!), and i committed a hit and run in his building’s parking lot while leaving at 1 am the other night (oh whatever, it was just a tap that’s what bumpers are for). in week 2 he will come to my place so he can hit my neighbors’ cars and then we’ll probably knock over a bank and flee to mexico.

look i gave him head start and warned him to run as far away as fast as he could – you know men never listen.

i say: slack hard or not at all!

the next time i get invited to a wedding, i have the perfect gift: the name of my divorce lawyer.

BFFN: “we can’t fool around when you come over, my kids will be asleep in the next room.”

me: “what kind of horrible, slut do you think i am?”

BFFN: “the worst kind. “

me: “that is so sweet – you already know me so well”


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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
17
Nov 10

dela- where?

i left the bar alone last night, but it’s okay, because i rubbed heartily against a lot of dudes on my way out.

ugly people grinding on the dance floor is like a car wreck – i just can’t not watch.

a guy i once dated told me that he thinks it’s important that i still go out with the girls and have fun. i agreed, except by girls, i meant other men, and by fun, i meant sex with them.

my earring fell out into my lap during dinner -thank god my camel toe caught it.

i want to be more disciplined, but i lack the will power to do anything about it.

i was at a bar with 3 other divorced chicks where there was a bachelorette party in progress – we bought that bitch a drink and made a pact not to spoil the ending.

no matter how much i do in a free weekend,  if i don’t have sex, it just seems wasted.

i was out at a packed club the other night and i knew i was comfortable with my age when i decided i would rather go home than wait on line to pee… ever again.

there is laziness & complete slothdom. lazy is sitting on the couch in front of the tv all day. sloth is not wanting to get up off the couch to get laid.

my new friend, tania, summed up the appeal of 20 year olds: they are shiny on the outside.

i once dated a guy who was as hot as he was dumb -he asked me what state delaware was in. i was forced to break up with him immediately.

so, i’m now dating man who told me he won’t date women that don’t drink. sigh, i think he could be The One.

turning the clocks back gave me an extra hour to get to the liquor store.

dana: “what’s that smell?”

me: “i don’t smell anything.”

dana: “did you fart?”

me: “no. i always tell you. besides i wouldn’t do that in a restaurant!”

dana: “yes, you would! who are you kidding?”

me: “true.”

i think the fact that it’s nearly impossible to get a cork back in a bottle of wine means you’re supposed to just drink the whole damn thing.

driving home the other night, i found myself behind an ambulance. this, in of itself, is not so unusual, what was strange was that the “cabin light” was on & i could clearly see the occupant. i was literally making eye contact with some dude on a stretcher while the attendant sat behind him reading  a magazine. try as i might, traffic would not permit my escape from behind it. it was quite uncomfortable to say the least, but i was grateful to be on the outside looking in for once.

guys always want to know, “what is your favorite position?” duh, watching tv on the couch with a drink.

women say they appreciate a man who doesn’t try to have sex with them on the first date. quite frankly, i would find it to be an insult if he didn’t at least offer.

it turns out, it wasn’t just the ex – i really don’t give a shit how anybody’s day was.

remember how your parents always said that they didn’t have a favorite? well, that was complete bullshit.

i love a man in uniform, so i was looking forward to a date with a guy that used to be in the military, but it turned out he was in the navy. of all the uniforms, that one is not remotely sexy unless you are a gay man and into the village people. in fact, if should things progress, i requested that he never put it on for me.

how do you tell someone politely that you are way out of their league?

i like that the advice my friends give me when i go on first dates is not, “have fun,” or “be careful,”  – it’s “keep your pants on this time.”

do you think the irony of consumer reports how to clean anything, how clean is your house?, the queen of clean’s cleaning guide, good housekeeping’s stain rescue, & the  field guide to stains, sitting on the dusty bookshelf in the laundry room is lost on my cleaning women?

what kind of woman doesn’t wear underwear on a first date? the fun kind.

texting can be a great way to get to know someone initially, but i have realized the hard way, you can’t smell bad breath via cell phone even if it is a full qwerty…

there are different types of cleavage women employ according to the occasion: Business/Work cleavage which just barely hints at sexiness and may land you that promotion or help you finally close that big deal, School Cleavage which is very minimal unless you want to sleep with the teacher, Date Cleavage which is practically necessary and self explanatory, and Seeing My Divorce Lawyer Full-On Erin Brockovich Cleavage which is wildly inappropriate and never actually does get the bill reduced – but, hey, a sista gotta try.

three shows i currently dvr which are fast becoming faves: the new adventures of old christine, 30 rock, and two and a half men – all shows about people who sleep around, drink too much and don’t give a shit.

i’m tired of my kids asking me to play with them – i don’t ask them to mix me drinks.

finding decent men to date isn’t hard – finding hard men that are decent is…

i try to be diplomatic when getting rid of men after a date or 2- just the other day i used the ol’ “It’s Not You, It’s Me” routine instead of telling him the real reason i never wanted to see him again – i suspected i have taken shits bigger than his penis.

why are all the right penises attached to the wrong men?

i’ve invented a sex substitute called “i can’t believe it’s not better.”

so, dana met this guy, but they didn’t really click – so she wanted to set me up with him – is it that tough to meet people out there that we need to recycle?

and speaking of meeting other people’s rejected dates – i have never really been a hand-me-down type of girl, do i want to start now? in this arena?

so, my new bf asked me to call him after i “put my kids down.” i told him i was putting them to bed, not taking them to the vet.

ladies, i don’t understand the concept of “waiting” to sleep with someone when you’re middle-aged. what the hell are you saving it for? you haven’t been a virgin for decades and what if the actual sex is terrible? then you wasted all of that time dating when you could have been sleeping with someone better.

in talking to someone new,  he wanted to know if i had any questions for him. i really only had one and it i told him there was only one way to find out…

i will do most anything if drinks will be served.

some days it is better to look clean than to be clean.

i think tonight is the night i finally solve the big mystery: boxers, briefs, or boxer briefs?

a friend characterized my last post as “somewhat sunny.” to be honest: i was slightly offended.

some women rate the worthiness of their  dates on the restaurant he choses, the conversation, the man’s manners, the car he drives, the perceived size of his wallet, and the like. i rate it based on whether of not i thought it was worth the makeup, contacts, and shaving my legs.

and while we are on that subject, many women will not shave their legs on a first date as a “sex preventative.” i have employed this tactic and i just ended up having sex with hairy legs…

it was just time to tell the kids: i’m not The Fun One.

new bumper stickers:

anything is possible…with alcohol.

all is fair in love and booty calls.

why are intelligence & looks generally inversely proportionate?

i woke up on the wrong side of the dick this morning…

is it wrong to ask a one night stand to take the trash out when he leaves?

sleepovers are greatly overrated: unless you’re making me breakfast or, at the very least, having me for it, i don’t need to see you in the morning.

conversation at work:

co-worker: “so where do you have sex with your dates? don’t tell me you do it in the car.”

me horrified. “never! i may be a slut but i am a classy slut.”

i have learned that younger men are just idiots in training.

so i went food shopping with my boss today. i’m sure it crosses some type of line but i doubt there is anything in the HR manual about it…

wow, i  have really grown as a person since i began dating – after my last few dates, i have realized i can’t just drink everyone fuckable as i previously thought. sigh, the end of an era…

my co-worker gave me some fabulous clothes that no longer fit her, for which i was most grateful; and i can’t tell you what an absolute boost to the ego it is to fit into someone else’s fat pants.

one of the benefits of dating beneath you, is that the dude immediately realizes he has hit the jackpot, hangs on for dear life, and worships you blindly.

i don’t want the upper hand in a relationship – i just want a stiff dick.

i always answer the door holding my pussy – well, he is an indoor cat. come to think of it, so is mine…

in this life you get what you give. i give a lot of blow jobs.

“lick me, stick me, and go home.” i doubt this is my original material but i’m having it needle-pointed on a sampler to hang over my bed.

most men are surprised at how welcoming, soft, & friendly my pussy is. you know, he really is a great cat.

and if my pussy likes you – you’re in..literally – animals are great judges of character.

it was going to be our third date and the dude had to work late so i told him to just come to my place for a drink. but i wondered, what does one wear to a date in her family room? that is normally where i am taking my clothes off.

people think i am so much more interested in them than i really am – i can’t help it, i get to talking, and my natural bullshit gene kicks in.

gaydar is nice, but i have laydar. i  can always spot the sure thing as soon as i walk into a room. of course, usually it’s me.

i’m really over the showering together thing unless he’s going to clean it afterward.

i drink a lot of those enriched waters to be healthy – my favorite is the vodka flavored…

i decided to keep my pants on tonight…i am so ashamed.

you can drop by anytime, but there is a two fuck minimum before you leave.

the sex with my new bf is so good, we don’t need a towel to mop up the wet spot- we need a wet vac.

we have decided to base our relationship on lies – to other people.

i will fuck you silly and let you completely violate me on the first date – but i absolutely draw the line at being friends on facebook.

if i’m not ready when my date comes to pick me up, i tell him to just hang out on the couch and play with my pussy  – the kitten never gets tired of it and these pussy jokes certainly never get old.

hey dana, seriously, thank you. ;-)

if you dig this blog, then dig it on facebook too! c’mon my ego needs you to.


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