ponderings of a mad woman / rants / the suevolution(tm) — 6 comments
07
Jun 11

oh, swv, where art thou?


so, where has the gggb been since march? well, i would love to tell you that i secured a lucrative mutli-book deal, or i am now writing a syndicated column, or that my blog is being made into an HBO series which will then lead to several movies, or that i’m the head writer of my own sit-com on a major network, but the truth is, i just got plain busy and sucked into my own chaos. in the last few months i sold my house, packed it up, dealt with a ton of last minute fuck yous in the selling process which were perfectly in tune with the nasty divorce proceeding it, turned 40, weathered the second anniversary of my father’s death, bought a new place, moved, and had a whirlwind romance. and since i had to do all that shit alone (well, other than the romance part of it), somewhere along the way i didn’t make time for the blog, my dear fans – all ten of you. it’s been a tiresome and long road full of pitfalls lined with booby-traps, but now that i have finally arrived at one of the main destinations on this crazy train, it has inspired much reflection. and i warn you now, it’s a poorly organized, rambling, and random reflection devoid of proper transitions and full of deliciously run-on sentences like this one…

you know, no little girl dreams of the perfect wedding day being followed in 14 years by the perfect divorce day, so understandably, no matter how much i wanted the split and came to accept it, it’s still been a lot to deal with and adjust to. on top of that, i had to face turning 40, (i am still not quite sure how that happened) which actually seemed a lot worse looking toward it from 39 when i was so unsettled and in month 21 of a very nasty divorce. but, in reality, my 40th birthday found me in a great place – the divorce was close to a year behind me, i was almost in my own home, and it was spent with someone very special. it was actually the best birthday i ever had. i remembered back to my 35th, when i made the life altering decision to change my path. i had looked at myself and how miserable i was trapped in a loveless marriage and decided i either had to make a plan for liberation or just stay until i died and try to eek out some happiness somewhere and absolutely stop complaining about it. however, i decided i had OLTL, and i had get out with the goal of being happily settled into a new life by the time i was 40. and that is exactly what i did. so, other than the terror of knowing my life is most likely half over, that i have wasted much of it with poor decisions, and now it’s just downhill physically from here, i still have a lot for which to be extremely thankful. so far, part II of The Book of Sue is a great read. and of course, it doesn’t hurt that i still look pdf (prettay damn fiyne ;-) )

so about the moving part – you see, i have never ever lived alone – i went from my parents’ home to living in tiny spaces with bitchy roommates (sometimes i was the bitchy roommate), then back to my parents’ home, and then to living with my boyfriend, turned fiancee, turned husband and kids. so this is a huge bfd. the first weekend after i moved into my new home (which i love, love, love with a territoriality matched only by a mountain lioness for her cubs, and fills with me great joy every minute i am in it, and when i’m not in it, i’m looking forward to going back to it), my mother and my sister helped me unpack my clothes, we had so much fun, laughing, mostly as the expense of my wardrobe (“no really. it looks good on…”), and i realized it was the first time the three of us laughed together since my dad died. and i love being Head of Household (i get to file that on my taxes now): every decision to be made is mine alone. if there is underwear on the floor it’s my underwear. if there is dirt on the floor, it’s my dirt. everything is how i want if from the placement of the couch to the setting on the thermostat. the leftovers are always there in the morning and my shit is wherever i left it the night before. if it gets messy, it because i let it get that way. right now, i can not imagine sharing this space. i run a very tight housekeeping ship -my kids know they are lucky i even let them stay here.

and once i got physical space, i realized i needed mental and emotional space. while embracing my cliched rebellious slut alter ego the past few years, i had also become a text whore – i wanted texting attention 24/7. but now i see it was at the expense of having real relationships. i think i was hiding behind all that e-chatter because while i desired the human interaction, i was still so broken inside that i wanted to keep people at a comfortable distance. it made sense, that since i had become so utterly withdrawn and marooned during the marriage, i had to be reintroduced into society slowly. and fittingly, my marriage along with other relationships ultimately lived and died by the text. but i see now, all that texting was just a way to distract myself from my life and avoid adult relationships. and the immense amount of energy it required, became a drain on me and a distraction from my life and children.

being in a long bad marriage can really fuck a girl up for future relationships, but finally a lightbulb moment after the last recent breakup occurred: i realized i have never given myself a chance to Just Be since this all began. to  just sit and be quiet and think and revel in my singleness. look at what i survived and how i how survived it and see that i really did come out of it stronger and better. really figure out who i am, what i want, and to be clear about it, and then to follow that path and respect myself in the process. really think about why i choose whom i do to become friends with and date. why i become friends with people so quickly, trust way too soon, and fall in and out of love so easily. why i can be madly in love one day and walk away the next. why i am living so unconsciously like a hamster on a wheel or a rat in a maze repeating patterns time and time again. and to see that what it is i am hiding from, is, most likely, myself.

so much of who you are with in life, in my opinion, is due to timing and proximity – you can marry the wrong person at the right time or you can break up with the right person at the wrong time. you can be with someone who is perfect for you, but you are not perfect for them. you can fall in love with someone you can never have and not be interested in those who want you. you can be friends with people simply because of what you have in common at the time, but then that eventually ends because the circumstances change. but all of those relationships shape you and help you define yourself and who you want to be. and, then, hopefully you paid attention and you take something away from each one that you will use to make your next relationship or friendship better. maybe, you figure out what you want to do differently the next time around. maybe you learn, evolve. however, it’s really hard to know that in the midst of it. and it would be easy and comfortable to go back to those old habits and back into the beds of those old habits, but, and don’t fall off your chairs folks, but i am taking a self imposed vow of chastity. crazy, i know, but it’s a detox of sorts. getting clean, so to speak.

i refuse to be labeled as just another crazy woman who doesn’t know what she wants. i have always known what i have wanted, but most of the time i haven’t acted on it. for now, i know i need and want to just be alone and figure a lot of things out. i know i am not ready for another relationship nor will i be for a while. the thought of strangers in my bed, dealing with the bottom dwellers in the shallow dating pool of online dating, or meeting a new penis repulses me right now. i have no desire to look or be looked at. i am not bitter with men (well, at least not entirely), just tired of dating and sleeping with them. tired of using them to distract me from my own thoughts when i’m the only one awake late at night – you know the ones about dying alone with twenty cats who will ultimately nibble my toes when i’m dead because there is no one there to stop them. and the thing is, i just don’t have the desire to even try to be good at a relationship right now. i don’t want to work on it for even a minute, or share anything with anyone, or pretend i give the slightest shit about how anyone’s day was. and i know that is harsh and selfish and unrealistic for maintaining a successful relationship, but i have to honor where i am right now. it’s okay to see that i just need some breathing room. and my girls need me, all of me. and i want to go back to being the dedicated mother i was before all of this nonsense started. the mother who made dinner every night and played on the floor and laughed with them and read stories to them and cuddled them to sleep every night. they are growing up too quickly and will be slipping past me soon into teenagedom and i could cry over wasting so much of that precious time with them while i was lost in all of this madness.

i see that my life is has been greatly improved as a result of the divorce, but theirs has been completely thrown into upheaval. they have to maintain two new homes, two schedules, navigate two parents and extended families that have made their disdain for each other painfully clear at times, and adjust to seeing their parents with different people. they are the ones that truly have the task of adjusting. and there is no easing the pain and guilt i feel over that. and now, i really understand “staying together for the kids,” but i also know a happy mommy will make happy children. though it’s still hard to live with the fact, that just as they never asked to be born, they never asked to have their family torn apart and lives irrevocably changed. i can only hope it will ultimately be for the best and they will make better choices in their lives because of it than i have up to this point. life is all about learning from mistakes and as one of my friend’s students said, and whether he wrote it or not, i have no idea, but i sure wish i said it: “in school you learn the lesson first and then have the test. in life you take the test first and then learn the lesson.” he figured out at 15 what i just figured out at 40.

and along that vein, i quit my poverty level suck-ass job with useless health “benefits” too – it had turned into a toxic and abusive relationship of its own. and while completely financially irresponsible, i am taking off the summer to relax and enjoy my new life. to get back to my girls, my friends, and most importantly, myself. doing all the things i used to do before i relinquished who i was along the way. and if losing my dad taught me anything, it’s that life is short and happiness is fleeting so you have to grab it whenever you can. no ones knows what tomorrow holds. we can make all the plans we want but its not really up to us, is it? i certainly didn’t plan that last dinner with my dad to be the last one. and i have not yet even begun to lick those wounds or even try to heal from them. i haven’t wanted to even acknowledge that rawness and i know until i do i won’t be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship.

i wrote about transition once during the divorce, which really is a constant thing in life, but i find myself so obviously in it again. strangely, this time it’s welcome. and all i know is that for the first time in my entire life, i am starting to feel at rest and at ease and i am beginning to feel a calmness and peace wash over me. it’s like unwinding on a sorely needed vacation except this is actually my life (the proof: i don’t even yell at my kids anymore – i just sigh and walk away). and that is a gift i have been given, albeit, in a very circuitous and torturous way: the gift of a second chance to do it right this time. to live consciously with self-awareness and for the first time ever, i am not going to squander it. i will stop operating from what i don’t want and stop running from, and instead focus on what i do want and run toward.

and following that, i have a new bumper sticker: 40 and over it because i am done with poor decisions for act two. i will no longer do things i don’t want to or am unsure of. i wont be pushed into anything before i am ready ever again – be it a job, relationship, or friendship. then maybe, i won’t be so quick to jump ship. i won’t care what others think of me and my decisions (err, or less than i already don’t). i will remove anything toxic from my life, learn to see the gray areas, i will fight my poor impulses, listen to my wise gut, and i will love myself for all of it. and i certainly don’t want to grow old alone, but i am not afraid to do so if that means being true to myself and honoring who i am (but i do set the limit at four cats). 40 is actually liberating and i probably wouldn’t appreciate all i have now if i hadn’t gone through all the bullshit.

you know, last summer began the suvoltion ™. it was the Summer of Sowing Her Oats Sue. this one is gong to be the Summer of Self Discovery Sue (i don’t know what is about summer than inspires me to make changes, but it just does. i think it’s a throwback to coming back to school after growing boobs one summer. “hey, look at me now, assholes”). to truly evolve, i have to be willing to really look at myself and face some hard truths i have been fiercely avoiding, to finally try to heal, unlike this goddamn fissure on my ass (yes virginia, there is such a thing as too much grooming). and i think i am finally on my way home, toto.

and, so here i sit; blissfully alone, on my patio, on a beautiful, clear, quiet morning, birds chirping (those fuckers never shut up), ac humming, trees rustling, flowers in full bloom, drinking coffee, writing my blog- all of it just as i had imagined when the whole thing began a few years ago. but i realize i did forget to envision one thing: this giant smile across my face.

viva la suevoltuion!

now go like me on facebook, bitches!


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rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — 1 comment
01
Mar 11

spanishen

me to 10 y/0: “do you put your lip balm on during the day?” “no, i have a very busy schedule – i barely even have time for the bathroom.”

10 y/o discussing the upcoming choral assembly which requires mandatory participation of all 5th graders: “i’m not going to sing. i’m just going to lip synch apples and bananas the whole time.”

7 y/o: “let’s play barbies.” 10 y/o: “okay let me just put ken in a non-ridiculous outfit first.”

7 y/o: this slinky can do anything.” 10 y/o: “no it can’t:[talking to slinky] make me a cup of coffee with extra cream. see?”

7 y/o: “i want to sleep in a little later tomorrow – so i can be up & running for my playdate.”

me: “have a real snack.” 10 y/o: “i will. i’m just finishing these 2 pieces of chocolate before they go bad – can’t let good gelt go to waste.”

10 y/o:” i told her mom to read your blog.” me: “oh no! please don’t tell your friends’ parents about my blog!”  10 y/0: “why not?” me: “because they wont let them play with you anymore.”

me: “i’m not listening to you bitch about anybody anymore.” 10 y/0: “bitch is not a verb.”

my mother is going to be in a play which requires some props. upon seeing such, 10 y/o said: “everyone wants to see grandmas in pj’s with teddy bears.”

10 y/o: “second granders eat so late – it’s at 1:50.”  7 y/o: “no, it’s $2.00. 3 if you get a snack.”

10 y/o: “can i read what you wrote about us or did you make into some sort of inappropriate twisted thing?”

my friend to 10 y/o: “do you still play babries?” 10 y/0 “yes. we play adult situations with barbie now.” and adult situations was in air quotes.

me: “ok, leave me alone and go watch some tv now.” 10 y/0: “i never thought the day would come where i would hear that.”

we were watching zoey 101 and i said to 10 y/o, “why is it her job to fix everything?” and she replied, “because she is the star of the show.”

10 y/o to me: “what are you reading in that magazine? 10 ways to a flat belly?”

me: “why is it taking you so long to get ready?” 10 y/0 “it takes a long time to brush my teeth, i have super halitosis.”

10 7/0: “i really like this keychian. can i have it when you’re old and take the bus?”

me to 10 y/o: “it’s tough being a woman.” 10 y/o: “yes. it’s not all manis/pedis.”

me to 7 y/o: “i need to get the sleeves shortened on this top.” 7 y/o: “wait – maybe your arms will grow.”

10 y/o: “mexicans speak mexican. spaniards speak spanish.” me: “mexicans speak spanish.” 7 y/o: “no, they speak spanishen.”

when at  the book store w 10 y/o, i was pointing out some great books i read when i was her age and she said, “i don’t want to read old books. when were they written? in the 90′s?”

7 y/o: “mommy is that a fur coat?” me: “yes.” 7 y/o: “you are cruella de ville!”

me: “that cat is crazy.”

10y/o: “he’s not crazy. he’s just misunderstood”

10 y/o: “curiosity neutered the kitty.”

7 y/o: “who was that?”

me: “the ups man.”

7 y/o: “why do you know him?”

10 y/o: “beacuse she buys a lot of shoes.”

me: “that’s not true.”

10 y/o: “oh yeah. she buys purses too.”

7 y/o: “i need to wear my light up shoes today in case the power goes out.”

7 y/o: “i’m going to do leonardo davinski or king toot for my book report.”

me to 10 y/o: “if this isn’t a good time, i can call you back.”

10 y/o: “no, i’m available now.“

a few weeks ago i was at a friend’s house for a playdate with our kids which turned into a seven hour affair. we didn’t want them to realize how long they had been playing and letting us talk and we suspected that they didn’t want us to realize how long we were talking while they had been playing. so it was more of  a standoff than an actual playdate.

me: “girls why are you yelling at each other?”

10 y/o: “she farted in my face.”

7 y/o: “no i didn’t. i farted at your stomach.”

10 y/o: “well it rose up and i smelled it.”

10 y/o: “here is a very beautiful poem i wrote. hang it up.”

i have packed most of the kitchen supplies for the impending move in a few weeks which prompted 7 year old to say: “we are sitting on the couch eating ice cream out of the container with plastic forks. we are not a normal family.”

7 year old: “mom when is the cleaning lady coming? the floor is dirty and i am stepping in it.” (yep- i’m raising them right.)

my mother accidentally took my keys when she left after dinner the other night completely unbeknownst to me. when she came back 5 minutes later to give them to me, 10 year old said: “it’s the blind leading the clueless.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 12 comments
14
Feb 11

astrokegs

today’s blog is brought you by the letter “Ohhhhhhhhhh” and the number 69.

there is this perfectly coiffed & overdressed gay dude who works at my store, but something is slightly off that i can’t seem to put my finger on – it’s like he’s a budget version/knockoff gay guy.

i hate when the cashier says, “ma’am after you i’m closed. can you tell anyone else who gets in line behind you?” NO! i hate that responsibility. i just want to buy some eggs, not do crowd control on the check out lines. why isn’t there some kind of system in place for this? like a shopping cart roadblock? or a flag for my cart? or a sign placed behind my ass?  hell, i will stick a fucking flag out of my ass if it means i don’t have to deal with that bullshit.

i thought i was sick of the dumbass men in my life, but i am even more sick of the men in my girlfriend’s lives and i can not get rid of them.

i always have a drink to calm those first date jitters. i like to start with a round of astroglide martinis. and make mine a double…

i thought getting my children ready for school was stressful because i’m not a morning person, but it turns out i’m just not a child person in the morning.

at my last job, my fellow employees played a game before i got there called “hide the beef jerky” which apparently provided hours of entertainment. this inspired me to come up with some of my own games to pass the time at my current gig when it gets slow, but anyone can pay along. so let’s play spot the toupee, find the escaped mental patient, let’s guess who got dressed without a mirror today, do i smell a crazy cat lady?, inter-department merchandise hide n’seek, water fountain olympics, intentional wrong direction jeopardy, things to do all day instead of actual work trivia, watch the clock-a-thon, secret online shopper, manicurist at my desk, guess what your co-workers look like naked, detect the creepy employee, just off the boat jibberish to english translator, creative cooking with the employee fridge/lunch scavenger hunt, ass-kissing for fun & profit, and 30 second security camera streak.

i knew my last relationship was over when he told me he didn’t want to text me anymore – he actually wanted to talk.

i don’t recommend looking at the victoria’s secret bathing suit catalog while eating an entire pizza.

you know online dating is not for you when one of your “matches” is a guy that sounds perfect after reading his well crafted profile, but upon doing a double take at his pix, you realize not only was he the biggest asshole you ever knew, but he was once your ex husband’s best friend.

having an affair may actually have saved my marriage – if only my husband hadn’t found out.

i still live in the town in which i grew up and i gotta get outta here – after avoiding the same people for so many years, i need some new ones to avoid.

i don’t need any sugar, so what is the etiquette regarding knocking on a neighbor’s door for tampons?

i am writing a new bloody and completely terrifying horror novel that even stephen king can’t top: Snowed In Without Tampons.

i think investing in the market today is all about finding recession proof stocks. i am investing in astroglide, tampons, vodka, & birth control devices.

i won’t you date for your money, but i will use you for your sense of humor so i can steal material for my blog without crediting you.

qualities that make a new bf extremely attractive: he not only has no issue with your shoe habit, but enables it by giving you a 20% coupon for a shoe website you didn’t even know about.

please, don’t drink and read. you won’t remember the ending.

keeping the house perfectly in order all the time while selling it is like constantly being on a heightened state of terrorist alert. i have to be ready for a possible homeland invasion at any given moment.

i wish i had my trainer’s personal phone number so i could call him up & bitch at him the next day for the incapacitating pain i am in.

scenes from suburbia:

vet’s office, 3 pm in the afternoon.

vet tech: “how may i help you?”

me: “i’m here to pick up p.nut…p.nut lost his peanuts today.”

vert tech does spit take. end scene.

i think pepto bismal should come in a vodka flavor.

a smart woman knows who butters her pussy…

i know texting while driving is frowned upon, but what about flossing while driving? is that a ticketable offense?

it sucks having a gay store manager. my adorable charms are completely ineffective.

do they sell astroglide in kegs?

what are those things called that you use to find treasure that has been covered up or hidden,?  oh yah – a boner detector.

me: i hate monkies.

mikey w: really? i was thinking of getting one – just so i can spank it.

what was that song about wishes? oh yeah – something like “when you wish upon a schlong, makes no difference who you’ve done…”

i appreciate the little things in life. well, except small penises…

astroglide is miracle-gro for penises –  just sprinkle some on & it will reach it’s full growth potential.

the right guy will think you are the best thing since sliced pussy.

don’t judge a penis by it’s owner.

never look a gift cock in the mouth. or it always put a gift cock in your mouth? i can never remember.

i serve guests water from my kitchen faucet and say it’s filtered. i lie. do you think that they won’t want to come back now? i prefer not to have visitors anyway.

i had dated a great guy who i thought may have been The (second) One.” there was just one teeny tiny thing that was a problem – his wife didn’t agree.

i don’t need a lot of attention. i need a lot of E-ttention! and i want it NOW.

my mom bought me one of those vacuum things that sucks the air out of opened wine bottles to keep the leftover wine fresh. it is just so adorable that she thinks an opened bottle of wine actually has a chance to go bad around here. or that there is even unfinished wine for that matter.

i hate groups, support or otherwise. i am more of a Lone Milf.

so i am writing a new exercise book, it’s called: Thin Things After 30 Lays.

i am very particular about the men i will sleep with – they must have a pulse or a penis.

it’s very convenient having a spare pussy – now the cat pays attention to my kids when i’m busy.

wouldn’t it be cool if you could put on a soundtrack to your own sex life?

my ex bf didn’t just play one on tv, he was actually a douchebag in real life.

i need a man who is the clyde to my bonnie of texting.

i’m a whore, not a fighter.

i like to tidy up a bit before the cleaning woman comes, so she doesn’t have to dust around the clutter of the lube bottles and vibrators…

gf: “i just heated up sake in a coffee cup. what is wrong with me?”

me: “this is exactly why you are my bff.”

i have no secrets…though some people certainly wish i did.

is it wrong for the tooth fairy to borrow money from the donor’s piggy bank for an unexpected lost tooth?

i love getting into my bed every night with just my warm pussy, but the girls really wish the cat would sleep with them.

i didn’t divorce plan, but i did affair plan. far more work i would imagine.

i think my pussy has herpes – he’s gets these blisters on his lip from time to time.

i’m really worried about my pussy’s swollen lip, so i went to the doctor, but the vet said it’s probably just an allergic reaction to something he ate.

i’m going to have a telethon to raise awareness for my blog. instead of donating money, you pledge facebook friends to like the swv fanpage and spread the gospel.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — No comments
25
Jan 11

Natural Born Ball Busters

you know how i know my cleaning service is doing a really thorough job? they found a pair of undies in the couch cushions.

i still think there is a lot of discovery left for me to do in bed with the right man – i need a jacques cousteau of sex.

those close to me worry that i will use the blog to make digs at them. i told them i would never do that – i will always insult them in person.

gf: “i want to lose 40 pounds for my birthday.”

swv: “i want to fuck a black man for mine.”

gf: “you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. you know what they say…white men will never be able to satisfy you after that.”

swv: “they don’t satisfy me now.”

any time a guy doesn’t want to wear a condom i say, ” that’s fine – i am ovulating at this exact moment and i would love to have another child.”  then he puts two on…

hey guys, you don’t need to keep your woman barefoot & pregnant, just drunk and fat.

you know those weight loss books, Eat This, Not That? my friend, pete, and i want one called, “Drink This, Not That.”

after going to the shooting range, i came up with a great idea for a new sitcom: jews with guns.

people who know me are concerned i am going to blog about their personal lives. they don’t need to worry – they’re really not that interesting.

my friend said she wouldn’t get married again unless the guy is loaded and is terminally ill. they would honeymoon at the hospice.

i tried to take a nap today, but it’s just so hard to get comfortable at my desk.

do you think after my hot personal trainer whips me into shape he will just whip me?

i really don’t feel up to working today – i’m just going to call in hungover…

being a tough (read: bitchy) woman is okay as long as you use it for good, as my gf calls herself, Glenda, The Good Bitch

i am developing a new perfume, it’s scent is very musky with a hint of aftershave – i’m calling it, Adultress.

the trainer asked me if i had any muscle imbalances which he explained meant that the muscle on one side of your body is stronger than the same one on the other side. i said, other than the tricep on my handy j arm, i didn’t think so…

it used to be you were golden when you had a doctor or lawyer in the family. now, it’s a computer guy.

new bumper sticker: Natural Born Ball Busters

women wonder when they will ever be comfortable enough with a new man to make love with the lights on and men just want to know when it will be safe to fart around her.

i have no interest in dogs unless they can breed one to bring me my phone whenever i can’t find it -a Texting Retriever.

remember stridex pads? wouldn’t it be great if we had those for The Morning After to wipe off the memory of The Night Before?

i am in search of that mythical white creature with the long horn – The UniCock.

never send a boy’s penis to do a man’s job.

i hate getting up in the morning no matter how much sleep i had. i swear i would still push snooze after waking from a coma.

mikey w’s repost request: there is a boy missing a sock in wisconsin. if your left testicle hangs lower than your right, please repost this in your facebook status so the boy can find his sock.

did you hear about the new event in the winter x games? X-treme Fucking. i’d tell you the qualification requirements if i wasn’t so busy training…

i’m going to go take a nap – wake me when i’m in a good relationship.

when it comes to orgasms, i can certainly be a do-it-yourselfer, but i still prefer to call in The Guy.

the last time i had sex, i got lube all over the guy’s head, and not the right one.

i have done the research: it is possible to be fucked dry.

sometimes i forget things i did or said during sex – i get Orgasm Amnesia.

what’s done is done. there is no use crying over spilled lube.

dont make me beg! after you subscribe to the feed, like me on facebook!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — No comments
12
Jan 11

bitching to the choir

i got a music box for chanukah, it didn’t play music, so much as complain every time i wound it up.

i love when guys talk to me in bed and say things like, “you’re so hot,” “i love your body,” and “less teeth, please.”

you have heard of The Secret? well how about The Gift – that is what i call blow jobs.

i am like a corvette, very responsive & fun, but the maintenance is astronomical.

since i’m no longer drinking at night & passing out, i have to bore myself to bed.

without the buzz, life is so… sooo….oh, what’s the word? oh yeah – B O R I N G.

clean living is for the puritans.

dr. swv says anti-depressants are great, but an orgasm a day, keeps the anxiety away and you don’t need a prescription for a case of batteries.

i have really examined all of the relationships in my life, past & present and it’s clear i need to take the george costanza approach to things now: do the exact opposite of what i would normally do.

i am so flattered, i found out that some of the chicks at work think i am a total snotty bitch.

i cannot abide a bad attitude – unless it’s my own.

ever notice that the people with the most to say on facebook have the least interesting content?

when my gf’s complain about stupid shit their men have done, i always get it – they are bitching to the choir.

when a man holds the door, i am impressed by his chivalry at first, but then i wonder if he just wanted to look at my ass as i passed by.

i had so many things to do at work today, but my job got in the way.

if  semen was meant to swallowed, it would taste like chocolate syrup.

i love the snow fall at night – the color of the sky, the stillness of the night, the sound it makes as it gently drifts to the ground, the way it coats everything so perfectly covering all the imperfections of the world with a beautiful, shimmering blanket. the next day, however, it traps us in our homes against our will and requires crushing, back breaking labor to be free of it. it turns into a filthy mess and the purity it once had becomes marred by dirt as it retreats unevenly from the sun, revealing ugly barren patches   – it’s exactly like my marriage was, except the snow eventually melts and goes away on it’s own.

have you ever gotten that “i am who i am” speech from your signif other when you ask for some changes? well, mikey w. calls that getting “popeyed.” this is not much different than the jedi mindtrick he also explained i frequently fall for, where, the guy tells me, “these are not the changes you’re looking for.”

i love to sit and have coffee before the kids wake up. it’s the calm before the storm.

is it wrong to take a nap during a playdate…at your house?

note to my kids: you are not toddlers anymore and the amateur shows in the basement are no longer amusing, they are just a huge challenge to my patience. effectively immediately, a license will be needed for all future performances which will most likely not be granted.

and right there – i have figured out why i am not as patient a parent as i’d like to be: a teeny tiny attention span.

if the guy you’re dating asks you if your daughter knows his sister, he may be too young for you.

do you think it’s a bad idea to let the person who introduced you to your ex-boyfriend, set you up again?  (“he’s a really nice guy.” “ummm, you said that last time.”)

you know you have the coolest boss ever when she plays wingman while you’re hitting on a prospect during a sales call.

why is that kids hear every single thing you say and can repeat it but they never listen?

hey guys – going “dutch” on a date is totally fine – if you don’t want to get laid.

i gave up 20 years olds – just like carbs, they are always around tempting me and are sooooo hard to resist, but i know they aren’t good for me and i always feel fat after i enjoy them.

on exes: no takesies backsies!

you know you have major commitment issues when you don’t even want to read a book for fear of getting too involved with the characters.

i am on this amazing diet that really works! you only have to give up one thing – food.

well, i finally did it! i dieted down to my online weight.

my friend told me she is going to bleach her teeth – now she is only going to drink white wine.

the problem with dating is most men dive into relationships before they realize they don’t know how to swim.

i gave my gf a bunch of bras that don’t fit me. she now calls me The Bra Fairy.

never confuse slutty with stupid.

i gave up drinking to save calories, but it turns out i’d rather give up food.

do you really like me? then, prove it on facebook!

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one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman — 6 comments
11
Jan 11

50 ways to leave your blizzard

i am not looking forward to yet another giant snow storm out of which i am going to have to shovel all alone since the BBFA (assuming he even would have come to my aid) is now the BFNM and the neighbors certainly won’t be coming to help because it seems the wives got together and banned them from even glancing in my direction now that i am the divorcee across the street. but, what’s worse is it just so happens tomorrow is normally my day off and instead of getting a mani/pedi, i will be trapped in the house with two bored children all day. in light of that realization, i have come up with a list of 50 snowy day activities to stave off cabin fever in a DRY house (who’s terrible idea was it to stop drinking for awhile to lose weight anyway?):

1. alphabetize all the canned goods in my pantry.

2. pluck my nostril hairs.

3. make kitty litter sculptures.

4. check all of the expiration dates on my coupons that i continually clip and never use.

5. go through old family albums with my girls and let them make fun of my hair and outfits from the 70′s…and 80′s…and 90′s…and 00′s.

6. stop pretending for one day that surfaces higher than my 5’0 eye level don’t get dirty and actually dust them.

7. put all the socks in balls and cut the single ones loose.

8. straighten out all the twist ties.

9. clean all of the long ago abandoned cobwebs out of the recessed lights.

10. collect the dust bunnies from under the couch and use them to insulate the drafty windows.

11. pick all the salt off the pretzel sticks.

12. watch a pot boil and bread toast.

13. sharpen all 400 pencils in the junk drawer.

14. explore what all of the random keys i have open & try not to get sucked into an alternate universe when i find a small door i never noticed before.

15. floss really, really, reaaaallllllyyyyyy well. twice.

16. knit a gray scarf out my findings from the lint trap.

17. put all of the silverware facing the same way in the utensil drawer.

18. spit polish each crystal on the chandeliers.

19. give the cat a deep conditioning treatment.

20. iron all the clothes that i washed over the last 10 years that i never wore again after washing them because i needed to iron them.

21. macaroni self-portraits.

22. sort the mutli-colored glitter into separate piles and then mix it all up again.

23. count the amount of popcorn kernels in a bag of microwavable popcorn & then decide if the ratio of popped to unpopped is acceptable.

24. measure the runs in all of my pantyhose that need to be thrown out because they have runs in them.

25. scrape the plaque off my teeth.

26. watch the hair on my legs grow.

27. test all 1000 magic markers to see which ones are dried out & then arrange them in rainbow order.

28. remove the chunks from the chunky peanut butter.

29. count how many stripes my cat has.

30. scrub all of the grout in my kitchen with my ex bf’s toothbrush.

31. search ebay for every toy i ever owned as a child and bid ridiculous amounts of money to win them.

32. organize the buttons in the button jar by type and color.

33. snip off my split ends.

34. categorize all the loose recipes i have cut out for meals i will never make in a binder i will never open.

35. do that thing from second grade with the avocado & the toothpicks in a cup of water where you try to get it to root and once it does, throw it out.

36. untangle all of the rubber bands.

37. see just how many cups of tea you can get from one tea bag before it runs clear (oh dear god, i miss vodka).

38. watch water freeze into ice cubes.

39. count the stars in Campell’s Chicken and Stars soup and then the seeds on a moldy strawberry.

40. fill each square of the frozen waffles with syrup.

41. mate the dino nuggets & bring them back from extinction.

42. bleach all of my freckles.

43. check the kids for parasites.

44. sort the paper clips into piles by size and make chains out of them.

45. remove all of the dead bugs from in between the vanes of the silhouettes.

46. change my password for every site i have a password for on the internet.

47. straighten my curly hair and then curl my straight hair.

48. make sure all of the hangers in all of the closets are facing the same way.

49. try to learn spanish by watching spanish soap operas and then try to learn to read lips by watching the tv with the volume on mute.

50. endlessly make inane lists.

you know, if you really liked me then you’d tell your friends to like me on facebook too!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 comment
09
Jan 11

season of the bitch

of all the sounds of a bright, new morning, the one i like best is the sound of the school bus pulling away.

if i was ever eaten by cannibals, i bet they would find i have been thoroughly marinated in a delightfully aged vodka sauce with a hint of pinot noir.

a good friend is always there when you need her, but a best friend will wax your ass crack no questions asked.

my friends tell me i give them great advice. too bad i don’t actually follow any of it.

well, it finally happened: i have pussy fatigue – i have grown tired of having the cat.

i’m working on a screenplay: the season of the bitch.

so, after 5 months – all the passion is gone: the cat ignores me 90% of the time while i feed him & clean up after him. i have to say it’s not much different than most of the relationships i’ve had, but it has lasted longer.

it’s great that we finally have the HPV vaccination for women – now we  just need one to prevent the dating of assholes.

hey don’t forget: bitches need love too.

has a 7 year old ever told an interesting story?

you know what the best thing about a break-up is? The Revenge Diet followed by the Look What You Gave Up  & Will Never Have Again Makeover.

recently, i met with a financial adviser: we decided on an investment strategy of 30% growth, 20% risk, and 50% vodka.

the cat’s marbles are becoming impossible to ignore and his nails are way too long – it’s time for a snip ‘n clip!

i can’t stand those crazy animal people in the vet’s waiting room trying to be friendly. i am completely happy to be the snotty chick with the ONE cat who is not interested in your inane pet small talk about your disturbing relationship with your multiple animals and is certainly not amused by your shetland pony of a dog sniffing my crotch even when he is wearing a delightful bandana around his neck from his visit to the groomer yesterday.

i keep calling my kids by the wrong name, so i decided to just give them one of those cute celebrity combo names. is 2painsinmyass taken?

i decided to stop drinking at home – i’m strictly going out to do it.

i have been suffering from terrible work insomnia lately – i just have not been able to fall asleep at my desk no matter how tired i am.

i find playing Solitaire oddly comforting, it’s a game, but i’m organizing…

you can put your finger up my ass and your dick in my mouth, but do not put your toothbrush in my bathroom or your razor in my shower.

as a good friend pointed out, you can have a man with a big dick and a tiny brain or a tiny dick and a big brain. sigh, it is true that you just can’t have it all in one guy.

i am going to host a Dysfunctional Dinner Party: it will be pot luck, but instead of bringing your own dish, you bring you own disturbed relative. then we sit back and wait for the dinner theatre to commence.

or maybe a Dysfunctional Family Scavenger Hunt: 20 points for a an never married drunken aunt over 40, 30 points for an inappropriately touchy uncle, 40 points for getting two bitterly divorced parents in the same room, 50 points for a third cousin who has done jail time and is out on bail, 60 points for a kissing cousin, 70 points if it’s your first cousin, 80 points for your brother in law’s mistress or sister in law’s underage lover, 90 points for your brother’s baby mama, and 100 for any relative that has been to rehab more than once. first prize is a gift card to your favorite therapist.

i am sooo tired of being pegged as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. while it may be true, i feel like it really belittles my bitchy side.

what do grilling & cunnilingus have in common? most men grossly overestimate their skills at both and rarely achieve either to a woman’s satisfaction.

ladies, do not confuse “complexity” with “stupidity.”

i am so fucking sick of re-post demands on facebook. you can’t make me!

even when i don’t drink the night before, i wake up with a headache in the morning. my hang-overs must be set to cruise control.

my daughter doesn’t think i am a “cool” mom. i told her i didn’t care. i lied.

the more ways technology provides for me to keep in touch with people, the more ways i have to blow them off.

beer without alcohol? coffee without caffeine? that’s like sex without orgasms and air without oxygen: pointless.

oops i did it again: i faked the orgasms.

the aroma of freshly baked brownies is how balls should smell.

my last relationship didn’t make it through a complete case of the soda he was keeping in my fridge. i should have listened to my gut when i had that feeling that buying more than a 6 pack was thinking too long term.

i wish there was a way to meet the penis before the man and then assess if he’s even dating material – a reverse dating service where you sleep with him first and then see if you want to actually go out on a date after.

why do men think that they can fuck around behind our backs and we won’t know there aren’t other vaginas in play?

my policy on getting back together with an ex is similar to that of a retailer: no credits or returns after 14 days but i will gladly make an exchange for an item of greater value.

i have a hard outside with a soft, gooey center; but like a tootise roll pop, you never know how many licks it will take to get there.

i am sure i have said this already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could de-friend people in real life like you can on facebook?

i have been living clean now – it’s a struggle but i take it one day at a time – i am proud to say i have flossed for 2 days in a row. i want a medallion.

i am instituting a new dating policy after this last break-up: it’s called Pay 2 Play. i realized no one’s gonna buy the bottle, if they are gettin’ the vodka for free.

i know this is hard to believe, but i think i’m finally done with the drinking and sleeping around phase of my divorce recovery – the Suemusement Park is O-fficially closed and will re-open only for select season’s pass holders.

be a facebook fan! please…

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one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 6 comments
04
Jan 11

WWSWVD?

i don’t care how you package up monopoly: classic, simpons, disney, junior, or mall edition. it’s all the fucking same: B O R I N G.

i am so over younger men – i am too old to date a guy who still lives with his parents, borrows his dad’s car to see me, & has to save up his allowance to take me to applebee’s.

oh santa, i was soooo bad this year but it was sooooo good. i don’t plan on making your good list next year either.

hormonal or just bitchy? potato. po-TAH-to.

how about for this year, we all just resolve to throw the year’s worth of gym fees out the window, move on, and avoid the guilt of quitting by february?

Q: what is worse than being snowed in with your kids? A: being snowed in with your in-laws.

my girls and i went to my friend’s house for christmas day as the token jews. everyone got along so nicely. no one drank too much or insulted anybody. the food was cooked all the way through and was all delicious. it was such a normal family gathering – hardly any evidence of dysfunction at all – i have never felt so out of place in my life.

drinking really can be hazardous to your health – i sliced my finger open twice removing the the foil from the wine bottle.

helpful holiday tip #27: when you re-gift something shiny, make sure you polish the fingerprints off of it first.

the second biggest holiday of the year is Slutmas. that is the day after x-mas when all of the relatives have gone home and the wives and girlfriends thank their men properly for the expensive, shiny shit they just gave them. it’s also, known as Bonermas in some circles. not to be confused with Blow Job’s Eve which is traditionally the night before she anticipates getting that big gift.

Merry Slutmas, bitches! Santa Balls You is cummin to town!

i can not get behind the whole freaking out at the forecast of snow and running to the supermarket with the rest of the lemmings to “stock up” on milk & bread. unless you have infants at home, what will happen if your family runs out of these staples for 2 days at the most? it’s not fucking little house on the prairie where pa & the last good horse have to leave the family in the cabin for 7 days to brave the wild frozen tundra to get mary’s scarlet fever elixir from town (and i never understood why they lived so far from town in the first place). the closest you will ever come to being a pioneer is having to walk your yappy little dog whom you have most likely dressed in a doggie sweater and booties in 15 degree weather in snow up to your knees, maybe. now if you tell me you must go out to get vodka, cigarettes, wine, & astroglide, that i can understand.

my pussy always wants to play – that’s how kittens are.

i pay a lot of attention to my pussy – otherwise he gets bored and claws the furniture.

when my gf’s ask for advice, i just say WWSVWD? What Would SWV Do? i think i’m going to have that put on those rubber bracelets.

i am not going to make a list of resolutions this year so much as a to-do list i am going to shove in a drawer and ignore.

one of the things about motherhood that is so exhausting is the constant sharing of everything – now it’s my cell phone, my food, my drinks, my computer, my bed. eventually it will be my clothes, my shoes, my makeup, my car, my tampons. unless they start anteing up some good stuff in return, i am so done with it.

being snowed in so close to new year’s inspired me to reflect on my regrets of the past year: had i only let my landscaper plow me, he would have plowed my driveway too.

how do you know for sure chivalry is dead? when you dig out of  36 inches of snow by yourself for 3 hours (though a small price to pay for my freedom).

my forearm was killing me from the repetitive motion of shoveling but i just had to keep going until i was done. this must be how 13 year old boys feel when they first discover masturbation.

i am sore all over and not in the good way.

snow is the only time you will get something that goes very deep, is over 6 inches, and is white.

there is nothing like a new pair of shoes and a good orgasm to cure what ails you.

when i find random screws around the house i always wonder where they came from and if something is about to fall apart.

i handled my last relationship as badly as marcia clark handled the OJ trial but i didn’t get a makeover and a tv show after it was over.

every time i try to quit drinking they keep pulling me back in.

the chinese calendar says 2011 is the  year of the rabbit. on the swv calendar, it’s The Year Of the Boot.

if the school requires my kid to be in a choral recital to graduate, do i have to go?  and if so, shouldn’t they have a drink cart? think of the money the PTA would raise…

my gf told me she reads my blog while on the crapper. i was so flattered!

i’m sooo over the cat now that i’m out of pussy jokes.

a friend suggested i train to the cat to make me drinks in exchange for cleaning up after him which isn’t all that different from any of my previous relationships.

why do i like cats? i have a lot in common with them: i hate to be picked up, i only want attention when i ask for it,  and if i don’t like you i will just ignore you & hide until you go away.

why don’t i like dogs? they are too needy, stupid, & messy. much like most of the men i have known…

like swv on facebook too!

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the suevolution(tm) / true but unecessary confessions / Uncategorized — 2 comments
02
Jan 11

Happy Sue Year!

like i said last year, i don’t make new year’s resolutions anymore because i know i’m not gonna keep ‘em. let me give you an idea of how this type of thing has gone in the past:

i resolved to eat better, so i had a yogurt for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and an entire pizza for dinner.

i resolved to exercise more, so i joined a gym, worked out every day for 2 weeks, and then took a break for 6 months.

i resolved to cut back on carbs, so i stopped eating bread and replaced it with pretzels, popcorn, and tortilla chips.

i resolved to drink less, so i replaced the vodka with wine, and later the wine with vodka.

i resolved to do more things with my kids, so i watched tv with them.

i resolved to date men my own age, so i slept with a string of random 20 year olds.

i resolved to be more assertive, so i acted like a huge bitch.

i resolved to communicate better with those i love, so i talked to them less.

i resolved to stay out of the malls, so i shopped online.

i resolved to lose the last 5 pounds, so i gained 10.

i resolved to take better care of myself, so i started going to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

i resolved to give myself more time in the morning by setting my alarm to wake me earlier, so i snoozed until i woke up late.

i resolved to let my hair grow long, so i stopped shaving.

i resolved to read more and watch less tv, so i leafed through catalogs while watching my dvr.

i resolved to be more patient with others, so i tried to convince my gynecologist to give me a prescription for xanax.

i resolved to save money, so i started picking up loose change up off the floor.

i resolved not to settle and to find someone who really gets me, so i got a cat.

i resolved to drink more water, so i added ice cubes to my vodka.

i resolved to floss every day, so i avoided the dentist for 14 months.

i resolved to take up a hobby, so i collected one night stands.

i resolved to get more rest, so i started taking sleeping pills.

i resolved to cook more for my kids, so i got frozen dinners.

i resolved to keep my house clean, so i hired a cleaning service.

i resolved to make some new single friends, so i hung out with my kids on their playdates.

i resolved to be more of a “morning person,” so i started drinking more coffee.

i resolved to be strong, so i cried in the night when no one was looking.

i resolve to make 2011 the year of The Suevolution(tm). so, let’s see how that goes.

like swv on facebook too!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No comments
19
Dec 10

The Freshman 15

i have hit another huge milestone since the divorce: i got my first set of junk mail labels with my new last name.

people are surprised how soft & silky my pussy is – well, i do brush him every day.

you know what is total BS? having a middle aged body with teen-aged skin. i hope clearasil makes a wrinkle cream.

my pussy is getting such a thick coat of fur – he must be preparing for the winter.

mimes & ventriloquists: if they all suddenly disappeared & never returned, i doubt anyone would really care.

dana: my son needs pictures of things that start with “W.” is a wine bottle inappropriate?

i am starting to think having a pussy is more trouble that it’s worth – he is destroying my house.

long live grapes and batteries.

i am converting to a new religion: Born Again Bitches. the church choir will be called The Sisterhood of the Traveling Tampon.

people always ask if i decide to get remarried, will i want more kids. more kids? i’m not sure i even want the ones i already have.

it may be time to upgrade the shower massager to a power washer…

carpe dickem! seize the dick.

i don’t need a full brazillian since i just want my ass crack waxed. what would that be? a grecian?

i’m working on a  divorce recovery program: basically it involves a lot of drinking, some minor pill popping, and a ton of meaningless sex with strangers. I am calling it My 20′s.

when it comes to blow jobs there are 2 kinds of women besides swallowers and spiters: the generous & the stingy. the generous are happy to do it any time for anyone and don’t mind their head being pushed into a strange crotch. the stingy think it’s a special gift to be doled out at their whim that better be gratefully received and never actually requested. food for thought…

you know what having the first fight means? having the first make-up sex.

i totally misconstrued the meaning of The Freshman 15 – i thought it was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with the first semester.

you are not truly on a budget until you are buying 1 ply toilet paper.

seen on the back of a dump truck on my way into work this morning: “our goal is to fill your hole.” well, why didn’t you say so, earlier?

i think it’s time to get my rug cleaned. come to think if it, the carpets could use a shampoo too.

do not get the “mexican blend” coffee at wawa – it’s a scam – there is absolutely no tequilla in it.

all men think they are bobby flay on the grill and ron jeremy in the bedroom.

college kids today have so many advantages we didn’t – i can only imagine how much more enriching my educational experience would have been with cell phones, the internet, and gift cards.

it’s really important to eat enough fruit & vegetables -  so i have  2-5 servings of orange, raspberry, & lemon vodka a day.

do you think the percentage of couples that break up after jan 1 is equal to the percentage that start dating october 1st?

if you can send your dog to obedience school, then why not your man? who’s a good boy? yes, you are! you’re my good boy!

and what about bringing him to the kennel, for that matter, when you need a vacation?

men, can’t live with ‘em, can’t lick your own pussy.

pussies rub themselves to get their scent on everything & claim ownership. that’s one of the things you have to put up with when you own a cat…or a woman.

ho, ho, ho? well, no wonder why santa is so merry.

you better not spit, you better get plowed. santa balls is coming to town.

if you fart in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it still smell?

so i told my bf he could come in my back door anytime – i gave him the spare key.

like these Tales of my Debauchery? then register here and like me there: facebook

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