my mother recently told me that she has planned a trip to egypt and my first question was not “are you going to see the pyramids, the sphinx, or king tut’s tomb?” not “are you traveling by camels and goats, and are you aware just how much they hate americans there?” not “when do you leave & can you read hieroglyphics?” no, my first question was, “but what are the restrooms like there?” i could only imagine my mother squatting over shallowly dug sandy pits in the middle of the desert lacking any tp, much like those seen in slumdog millionaire. and that, my friends, is where the difference between men & women is most pronounced (besides the penis/vagina thing of course): how peeing & the places we do it in dictate much of a woman’s life.
living La Vida Sentada, the seated life, presents it’s own distinct set of challenges of which men have little idea, interest, or care. for instance, we have to constantly be aware of our liquid intake based upon when the next Emptying Of The Bladders will be (no, thanks. i better pass on that second ice tea.). we must make travel arrangements based on when we can pee next (is there a restroom there or should i go now?). we get dressed based upon the imagined effort it will take to remove said clothes for peeing (i am so not wearing pantyhose!” and remember the bride? do you know how many people it takes to help her pee so she doesn’t yellow that giant white dress?) and there is the always the question of cleanliness (oh no! it’s a gas station. forget it. i’ll wait. i can hold it for another 50 miles” and btw – what is up with those giant key chains they always have for gas stations? and do we really even need to lock up these pits of filth? who are they keeping out? i mean who the hell is sneaking in there that they need security? ). we alter our social life around peeing, “a THREE hour movie? no thanks.” and, “it won 72 tonys but there is NO intermisson? i’ll pass.” in fact, i am sure this is exactly why that genius device, the DVR, was invented and had to have been done so by a woman.
in addition to carrying this enormous burden, we are saddled with being the primary Trainers Of The Pee Release which means most of us are stocking purell like squirrels do acorns. all you hear in the ladies’ room is mothers frantically screaming, “DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” and “WAIT UNTIL I PUT PAPER DOWN.” young girls are indoctrinated early on about Layering & taught to master the muscle control required to do The Squat (an advanced move that saves time by not having to put paper down but can be very messy if not executed perfectly). and how in the world are we supposed to train boys to pee standing up when we can’t even do it ourselves? no wonder why men just pee anywhere they please – how can we teach them any differently as young boys? moms of boys must give up after being sprayed enough times and finally say, “just go pee on that wall instead of my shoes.”
and due to this woeful, seated life, i have more than once, thought about how much easier it might be if i had been armed with the invaluable information of a Pee Pee Guidebook i could consult before ever leaving the house – a line of travel books marketed solely to women written by women about ladies’ rooms across the world. i would hire an army of female travelers to urinate across the globe documenting facilities to create an all encompassing peeing library. it would be broken down into state & country specific volumes with a gratis map tics app that rivals triple A’s so one could choose travel destinations based on places to void the bladder. this encyclopedia of piss would list all the restrooms at main points of interest, tourist attractions, museums, hotels, camp sites, etc. and rate said restrooms from 1 to 5 toilet paper rolls: 1 being the worst and 5 being the best. ratings would be based on cleanliness, ease of use, location, amount of stalls, which way the door opens (we have all gotten trapped inside more than once when the door opened in), functionality of locks should they even exist, decor, price (yes, i said price: those backwardass europeans charge you to pee & the price has nothing to do with the quality of the place), availability & quality of tp/soap, papertowels/dryer, & family-friendliness.
not only would these books arm chicks with toilette rankings, but they would also include handy tips for acquiring the life skills so important to successful peeing like how to properly feign pregnancy or nausea to skip the line entirely without fear of retribution and make it back for halftime. or how to navigate ancient theaters with hidden stairways that lead to secret restrooms and be able to make it back to your seat within 15 minutes for act 2. which countries to avoid traveling to altogether that have no restrooms of any kind. “you want to go on safari out in the bush? where do i pee? you don’t know? no thanks. i can watch the antelope get mauled by the lion on animal planet. in fact, i’m pretty sure that is why hi-def tv was invented.”
so here is a sneek peek at the P.P. Patrol Library coming to a kindle near you soon:
Intro to Colllege Bar Restrooms of America 101:
let’s face facts: there has always been an entirely other kind of learning occurring on american college campuses – the learning of how to hold your liquor. sometimes in this endeavor, young co-eds must also learn to hold the pee, not only because of ridiculous drinking games that demand it, but due to the unsanitary conditions of said bars which worsen as on the night wears. in addition to ranking the filth of bathrooms among college campuses by state perhaps even aiding in the college of choice decision, this overpriced text book & class syllabus will cover:
*The Breaking of the Seal: when is it best to break the the proverbial seal? weighing the consequences of ruining the game by giving in to The Urge way before midnight before all the tp is gone or risking peeing on a bar stool which we all know isn’t very sexy.
*Overused & Overflowed: what to do when you find yourself ankle deep in contaminated water (which also includes the sub-topic Bar Shoes).
*Line Cutting Without Injury: negotiating lines without getting beat up so you can get in there before the way too drunk girl hurls all over the last clean roll of toilet paper.
*Making Doo: how to wipe with a cardboard tube should it become necessary or worse – drip drying!
*Pee Pee Etiquette - avoid being the inconsiderate bitch who tucks, zips, & buckles her belt inside the stall. and for god sakes, this is not the time or place to poop!
and bonus sections:
* Frat House Fun: yes, you are being watched. yes, you will find your name written on the walls along with horrid details about what you look like naked & who saw you that way and why. DO NOT PEE HERE unless you have no issues with future employers finding you on youtube.
* Off the Peeing Path: how to pull those cute little panties aside & pee behind a dumpster when all else fails without getting busted by the campus po po.
* The Dorms’ Dirty Little Secret: what your RA doesn’t want you to know about co-ed bathrooms.
The Road Less Peed
a series of travel companions especially useful for the pregnant, those with potty training children, or just those with pea sized bladders which would cover all rest stops on major highways in each state describing such things as:
*The Last Resort: pit stops that haven’t been updated since route 66 opened in 1926 and still have that filthy rotating towel thing upon which to dry your hands.
* Bagging the Elusive White Whale: where to find the dying breed of restrooms that have that plastic rotating seat cover or any seat covers at all.
* when it’s necessary to pack a gas mask to survive the toxic bursts of automatic air freshener.
* how to disable the automatic flushing mechanism that scares the crap outta your kids. literally.
* where to find the hidden pit stops which are less traveled, slightly out of the way, but far cleaner.
* what rest stops to avoid completely that double as prostitution service for truckers, drug rings, or contain “mysterious” holes in the stalls.
* what to do when peeing along side of the highway is just unavoidable.
* No Dogs Allowed: the best way to secretly scoop up rover’s calling cards before you jet.
the intro would be entitled “The History of the American Rest Stop”
sample entries will include personal experiences of the writers:
Hawaii: Maui: The Road to Hana: The Seven Sacred Pools at Haleakela National Park: hands down, the most disgusting bathroom i have ever encountered in my life. giant multi-user johnny on the spot bench seat with holes to sess pool below. no sanitary facilities of any kind. you must hold your nose or you will most likley barf from the odor of the mountains of decomposing feces below your ass. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT PEE HERE.
-5 rolls
Trains, Planes, & Automobiles: Domestic & Abroad
what girl can forget the horror, shock, & awe that she felt The First Time….she encountered a mobile restroom? who hasn’t peed all over herself because she doesn’t have “sea legs” while sucking in the pleasant aroma of tuna in The Head of a boat? who doesn’t remember realizing that the hole in the bottom of the train bathroom actually allowed you to pee on the tracks thus explaining the sign demanding you not use the restrooms while the train is in the station. it’s not just the pee destination you need to know about beforehand, but also the restroom that gets you there! important tips would include:
* bacterial parts per 1000 of surfaces in mass transit restrooms.
* what to do when you absolutely have to pee when the “stay seated” light is on.
* sneaking into “first class” facilities.
* how to be sure the “occupado” light is illuminated while your pants are around your ankles.
* what do if you must “go greyhound.”
* the pros and cons of travel potties and the effect they have on our nation’s youth.
Port Authority Bus Station, NYC: squatting will be necessary to avoid excrement covered seat thanks to wino that was in there before you. barf from the strongest odor of urine you have ever smelled in your life on the homeless person living in there thus contributing to the terrible humanity. no paper, no soap. run out as fast as possible vowing never to return to this place or the city that spawned it which smells entirely of warm piss itself and most fragrant in august after a drought.
-8 rolls.
Peter Pan Busline, USA: loose 20 pounds before the trip so you can actually fit in the tiny lav* CAUTION: do not look down into blue pool of human waste – you can never unsee it and the nightmare will haunt you forever. board early to avoid sitting in last 15 rows of bus closest to the lav. also, it is recommended you dehydrate 3 days prior to bus travel to rule out the use of it at all.
* advisable for airplane lavatories as well
1/2 roll
Shoppeeing, Eating, & Entertainment
a comprehensive set of guides for the family, elderly, or bladder challenged that would cover any retail area, dining establishment, & entertainment venue by town & state. also available in a mini version with a handy clip that can attach to the stroller or fit in a purse.
this guide includes:
* the hidden bathrooms in all retail locations “they” don’t want you to know about.
* the last remodel date of the bathroom: avoiding those restrooms with shag carpet from 1973.
* sneaking into the “employee only” bathroom.
enjoy a master thesis included in this tome called, the family restroom of america- does it really exist & it’s social ramifications.
sample entry:
Nordstrom, Freehold, NJ: uber clean restroom.* facilities well maintained. plenty of paper. hooks & shelves for belongings. child friendly. stroller friendly. baby changing area with private nursing facilities. soap & paper towels always available.
*not applicable to cafe facility.
5 tp rolls
Renaissance Fair, Anywhere, USA: rows and rows of filthy porta-potties complete with dirty footprints on floor covered in mystery sludge. bring your own tp & clothespin for your nostrils. prepare to wait on line in 102 degree sun & hope you drank enough mead to forget the experience altogether.
-3 rolls
Hotels & Motels of America:
once the road trip guide gets you there, where do you pee? this tome explores many important issue germane to today’s vactioners:
* the differences between 1 & 5 star lodgings’ facilities.
* how to calculate the pee to chlorine ratio based on the star system.
* tp folding & what it means to your family.
* the sanitary strip: its’ actually inversely proportional to the quality of the inn.
sample entries:
Ritz Carlton, Naples, Florida: numerous pristine facilities featuring high end decor & priceless artwork and full floor to ceiling stall partitions. pima cotton 800 thread count hand towels, 6 ply quilted paper, spa quality soap. will ruin all future restrooms for you. forever.
10 luxurious rolls
Motel 6, Bismark, North Dakota: sanitary paper strip applied to seat but do not use a black light to test the soundness of that inspection. cancer causing red heat lamps from 1964 create a certain coziness. 1 ply tp but artfully folded into a triangle. clean enough for a night or a few hours…
2 rolls
Europeein
have you longed to travel abroad but haven’t because of the hygienic horror stories you have heard? and rightly so, because they are true! this series of books will outline the country specific survival skills necessary to pee outside of the US or at the very least, prepare the reader to be less horrified by her first encounter with a parisian bathroom. (i use the term, bathroom, very loosely since there is not much bathing happening in that country at all*).
sample entries:
Italy, The Riveira: a wooden shack with a hole in the floor that has outlines around it for your feet for proper squatting position leaving you to wonder where does the stuff actually go? no paper. no facilities for hand washing. DO NOT POOP here. female child’s use not recommended. there is a fee of 2 euros that is much too high when you convert the euros to USD. i can’t believe anyone even has to pay to piss here.
-2 rolls
Italy, Venice: elusive restroom done up in subway decor complete with turnstiles located at top of winding hill past the virgin mary statue. doesn’t matter which virgin mary since it may be the only restroom on the island as signs lead you there from every single part of the place. pay 1 euro to enter the turnstile for privilege of holding your breath because bathroom attendant’s BO is unbearable to american noses. tp & hand washing available, but no provisions for hand drying. try not to overhear attendant laughing at how much money they make for charging people for a human function. also try not to notice the stench of urine around the entire city from exasperated travelers that gave up looking for the potty & dropped trou when they just couldn’t hold it anymore. not for those who are pregnant, have heart conditions, or are in poor health. bring water & snack for the journey.
1 roll
Paris, France: Jacques on Le Spot in middle of street, with no paper, a major stench undetectable to french nostrils and with a core temperature of 108 degrees inside during summer. requires a complicated amount of coins you will not have and for which not one snot ass vendor will give you change since you never paid attention in 8 years of french and thus still can’t speak that useless language; so you must ask the asshole with the canadian flag on his pack to get for you. he will then think you owe him some & follow you around the city until you shake him at the l’ouvre. as you exit the restroom, be prepared to be hit on the ass with a rolled up newspaper because the filthy old french man you walked by on the bench thinks you’re cute…for an americain. ask yourself why you came here in first place.
-2 rolls
*included with this set of guides would be a free smart phone app called the BOI – the Body Odor Index – it’s like the UV index but far more useful: “the recent water shortage & 14 day heat wave in venice has caused the BOI to reach a 9 out of a possible 10. stay indoors today or superglue your nostrils shut. it’s gonna be a stanky one out there today!”
also available for purchase with the books will be a companion PP Survival Kit which includes:
* ass wipes – they’re not just for kids anymore
* disposable toilet seat covers
* 6 pack of hand sanitizer
* brawny extra thirsty paper towels
* disposable baby changing pads or a disposable baby
* emergency coin holder (for abroad versions)
* face mask
* haz mat suit
* rubber gloves
* directions to nearest decontamination stations
* packed in a handy anti-bacterial travel case in your choice of pink or blue
with these books, i imagine a peeing utopia for women across the globe where we will all be united in our bladder freedom.
pee on sistas!
