single with vodkagood girl gone bad

9 year old on her vitamin: “it tastes like a dog’s throw-up that a monkey swallowed and then pooped.”

me to 6 yr old: “hey, what’s that on your tush?”

6 yr old, “nothing. you just want to squeeze it for fun.”

me to girls while looking at a flyer: “hey we should go see this show.”

6 yr old: “i am already going to see it with daddy.”

9 yr old: “yeah, and i don’t want to see it. it’s for ages to 5-8 and i am almost a tween. u know, a tweenager? that’s what they call it these days.”

joke written by 9 year old. she has warned me not to “plagiarize,” therefore it is reprinted here with her permission:

what did the client say about the hairdresser?

she is nice and easy-combing.

9 year old: “she said that i could babysit when she has a baby, but that won’t be for awhile because he hasn’t popped the question yet.”

9 year old: “what is the weather supposed to be tomorrow?” me: “i’m not sure. we need to check when we get home.” 6 year old: ” it will either be warm or cold.”

me to 9 year old: “are you sure you want to sleep with such a warm blanket?” 9 year old: “yes. i get cold even though my personality is warm.”

grandmother to 6 year old,” ok. let’s turn the light off for bed time.” 6 year old: “no, leave it on.” grandmother: “how are you going to get to sleep with such a bright light on?” 6 year old: “i will turn it off when i fall asleep.”

upon learning a couple is going to have a baby who is not currently married, 9 year old asks,” isn’t that illegal?”

9 year old: “mommy, take that backpack off the counter. this is where we eat and we are going to get germs in our food and get sick. we will get what they call the H1N1 Influenza they have been telling us about in school.”

one morning, i accidentally turned off my alarm instead of hitting snooze and woke the girls up for school a wee bit late. since we were rushed, 9 year old sprung into action to help me get both girls ready. when i got downstairs, she was busy making lunch for her sister and said to me, “you had to have another one?”

scene: double play date at my house

6 year old and her pal decided to paint their nails without asking me. i wasn’t pleased and muttered to myself that they “dragged all the nail polish downstairs to the basement”  within ear shot of 9 year old & her pal. the friend misunderstood & asked incredulously, “she drank all the nail polish?” to which i replied, “no dragged it.” and 9 year old added, “yeah, she’s 6, not mentally retarded.”

9 year old consoling 6 year old: “it’s just a fly. nothing to be scared of. it’s only 3 letters.”

how the tooth fairy got hustled

9 year old: “make sure you tell the tooth fairy about my tooth, so she leaves me a gift.”

me: “didn’t you tell me that you don’t believe in the tooth fairy anymore?”

9 year old: “no, i do.”

me: “okay then.”

next morning after collecting her loot:

9 year old “i know you’re the tooth fairy.”

me: “but last night you told me you believed in the tooth fairy.”

9 year old: ” i know. i just said that to get the money.”

me: “oh, i see.”

9 year old adding insult to injury: “also, it’s not that i don’t appreciate the “fairy dust” and all, but could she use a little less? it’s all over my bed & i have to change my sheets now.”

9 year old walking past plum tree in front yard: “i can smell the plummy goodness.”

6 year old to 9 year old: “you can teach me spanish.” 9 year old: “let’s just leave that to dora.” [the explorer]

6 year old: “this week is ‘poem in your pocket’ week. i have to rememberize a poem.”

6 year old: “there are different parts of your tongue for tasting different things. this part here is for butter.”

after observing meal laid out upon the table, 9 year old to grandmother: “you really know how to put together a dinner.”

9 year old discussing a friend: “she misses a lot of school. she is going to end up in the street with credit card debt and invalid health insurance.”

note in my lunch from 9 year old on a morning i had an upset stomach before leaving for work: “dear mom, i love you. stick it out.”

6 year old singing lyrics that say come closer: “get cole slaw”

grandmother to 9 year old: “3 lion cubs were born in a zoo the other day.” 9 year old, “who’s the lucky couple?”

9 year old: “hello, loser.”

6 year old: “hello, idiot.”

9 year old. “touche.”

9 year old: “she [6 year old] can sleep in my room in her sleeping bag.”

me: “well, i really don’t want her to sleep on the floor.”

9 year old: “no, in the sleeping bag in my bed. it contains her – she kicks.”

while cat-sitting my mother’s kitty, 6 year old was beckoning the cat to follow her up the stairs which prompted 9 year old to admonish, “he’s a cat, not a seeing eye dog.”

9 year old & i had the pleasure of watching a puppet show performed by 6 year old in which one of the characters became extremely wild and had to be “disciplined” by 6 year old. 9 year old turned to me and said, “you will have to excuse him [the puppet], he’s on medication.”

6 year old: “mommy, i can’t wear this shirt to school tomorrow. it has noodle straps” me:”ok, but i think you mean spaghetti straps.”

9 year old: “why would a cleaning product be called bleck?” me (barely containing my laughter):”that’s bleach.”

among other items i had put out for bulk collection week were 2 female dress forms – one black and one white. upon discovering that scavengers had taken the white one, but not the black one, 9 year old exclaimed, “how racist!.”

quote from 6 year old’s mother’s day project: “my mom is: as pretty as a flower and a unicorn.” that is the highest compliment i have ever received.

9 year old: “when i am an adult, i am going to have a purse & shoes to match every outfit.” me: “well, my work here is done.”

make mine extra dirty, please.