Posts Tagged: cat

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
9
Jan 11

season of the bitch

of all the sounds of a bright, new morning, the one i like best is the sound of the school bus pulling away.

if i was ever eaten by cannibals, i bet they would find i have been thoroughly marinated in a delightfully aged vodka sauce with a hint of pinot noir.

a good friend is always there when you need her, but a best friend will wax your ass crack no questions asked.

my friends tell me i give them great advice. too bad i don’t actually follow any of it.

well, it finally happened: i have pussy fatigue – i have grown tired of having the cat.

i’m working on a screenplay: the season of the bitch.

so, after 5 months – all the passion is gone: the cat ignores me 90% of the time while i feed him & clean up after him. i have to say it’s not much different than most of the relationships i’ve had, but it has lasted longer.

it’s great that we finally have the HPV vaccination for women – now we  just need one to prevent the dating of assholes.

hey don’t forget: bitches need love too.

has a 7 year old ever told an interesting story?

you know what the best thing about a break-up is? The Revenge Diet followed by the Look What You Gave Up  & Will Never Have Again Makeover.

recently, i met with a financial adviser: we decided on an investment strategy of 30% growth, 20% risk, and 50% vodka.

the cat’s marbles are becoming impossible to ignore and his nails are way too long – it’s time for a snip ‘n clip!

i can’t stand those crazy animal people in the vet’s waiting room trying to be friendly. i am completely happy to be the snotty chick with the ONE cat who is not interested in your inane pet small talk about your disturbing relationship with your multiple animals and is certainly not amused by your shetland pony of a dog sniffing my crotch even when he is wearing a delightful bandana around his neck from his visit to the groomer yesterday.

i keep calling my kids by the wrong name, so i decided to just give them one of those cute celebrity combo names. is 2painsinmyass taken?

i decided to stop drinking at home – i’m strictly going out to do it.

i have been suffering from terrible work insomnia lately – i just have not been able to fall asleep at my desk no matter how tired i am.

i find playing Solitaire oddly comforting, it’s a game, but i’m organizing…

you can put your finger up my ass and your dick in my mouth, but do not put your toothbrush in my bathroom or your razor in my shower.

as a good friend pointed out, you can have a man with a big dick and a tiny brain or a tiny dick and a big brain. sigh, it is true that you just can’t have it all in one guy.

i am going to host a Dysfunctional Dinner Party: it will be pot luck, but instead of bringing your own dish, you bring you own disturbed relative. then we sit back and wait for the dinner theatre to commence.

or maybe a Dysfunctional Family Scavenger Hunt: 20 points for a an never married drunken aunt over 40, 30 points for an inappropriately touchy uncle, 40 points for getting two bitterly divorced parents in the same room, 50 points for a third cousin who has done jail time and is out on bail, 60 points for a kissing cousin, 70 points if it’s your first cousin, 80 points for your brother in law’s mistress or sister in law’s underage lover, 90 points for your brother’s baby mama, and 100 for any relative that has been to rehab more than once. first prize is a gift card to your favorite therapist.

i am sooo tired of being pegged as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. while it may be true, i feel like it really belittles my bitchy side.

what do grilling & cunnilingus have in common? most men grossly overestimate their skills at both and rarely achieve either to a woman’s satisfaction.

ladies, do not confuse “complexity” with “stupidity.”

i am so fucking sick of re-post demands on facebook. you can’t make me!

even when i don’t drink the night before, i wake up with a headache in the morning. my hang-overs must be set to cruise control.

my daughter doesn’t think i am a “cool” mom. i told her i didn’t care. i lied.

the more ways technology provides for me to keep in touch with people, the more ways i have to blow them off.

beer without alcohol? coffee without caffeine? that’s like sex without orgasms and air without oxygen: pointless.

oops i did it again: i faked the orgasms.

the aroma of freshly baked brownies is how balls should smell.

my last relationship didn’t make it through a complete case of the soda he was keeping in my fridge. i should have listened to my gut when i had that feeling that buying more than a 6 pack was thinking too long term.

i wish there was a way to meet the penis before the man and then assess if he’s even dating material – a reverse dating service where you sleep with him first and then see if you want to actually go out on a date after.

why do men think that they can fuck around behind our backs and we won’t know there aren’t other vaginas in play?

my policy on getting back together with an ex is similar to that of a retailer: no credits or returns after 14 days but i will gladly make an exchange for an item of greater value.

i have a hard outside with a soft, gooey center; but like a tootise roll pop, you never know how many licks it will take to get there.

i am sure i have said this already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could de-friend people in real life like you can on facebook?

i have been living clean now – it’s a struggle but i take it one day at a time – i am proud to say i have flossed for 2 days in a row. i want a medallion.

i am instituting a new dating policy after this last break-up: it’s called Pay 2 Play. i realized no one’s gonna buy the bottle, if they are gettin’ the vodka for free.

i know this is hard to believe, but i think i’m finally done with the drinking and sleeping around phase of my divorce recovery – the Suemusement Park is O-fficially closed and will re-open only for select season’s pass holders.

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one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 6 Comments
4
Jan 11

WWSWVD?

i don’t care how you package up monopoly: classic, simpons, disney, junior, or mall edition. it’s all the fucking same: B O R I N G.

i am so over younger men – i am too old to date a guy who still lives with his parents, borrows his dad’s car to see me, & has to save up his allowance to take me to applebee’s.

oh santa, i was soooo bad this year but it was sooooo good. i don’t plan on making your good list next year either.

hormonal or just bitchy? potato. po-TAH-to.

how about for this year, we all just resolve to throw the year’s worth of gym fees out the window, move on, and avoid the guilt of quitting by february?

Q: what is worse than being snowed in with your kids? A: being snowed in with your in-laws.

my girls and i went to my friend’s house for christmas day as the token jews. everyone got along so nicely. no one drank too much or insulted anybody. the food was cooked all the way through and was all delicious. it was such a normal family gathering – hardly any evidence of dysfunction at all – i have never felt so out of place in my life.

drinking really can be hazardous to your health – i sliced my finger open twice removing the the foil from the wine bottle.

helpful holiday tip #27: when you re-gift something shiny, make sure you polish the fingerprints off of it first.

the second biggest holiday of the year is Slutmas. that is the day after x-mas when all of the relatives have gone home and the wives and girlfriends thank their men properly for the expensive, shiny shit they just gave them. it’s also, known as Bonermas in some circles. not to be confused with Blow Job’s Eve which is traditionally the night before she anticipates getting that big gift.

Merry Slutmas, bitches! Santa Balls You is cummin to town!

i can not get behind the whole freaking out at the forecast of snow and running to the supermarket with the rest of the lemmings to “stock up” on milk & bread. unless you have infants at home, what will happen if your family runs out of these staples for 2 days at the most? it’s not fucking little house on the prairie where pa & the last good horse have to leave the family in the cabin for 7 days to brave the wild frozen tundra to get mary’s scarlet fever elixir from town (and i never understood why they lived so far from town in the first place). the closest you will ever come to being a pioneer is having to walk your yappy little dog whom you have most likely dressed in a doggie sweater and booties in 15 degree weather in snow up to your knees, maybe. now if you tell me you must go out to get vodka, cigarettes, wine, & astroglide, that i can understand.

my pussy always wants to play – that’s how kittens are.

i pay a lot of attention to my pussy – otherwise he gets bored and claws the furniture.

when my gf’s ask for advice, i just say WWSVWD? What Would SWV Do? i think i’m going to have that put on those rubber bracelets.

i am not going to make a list of resolutions this year so much as a to-do list i am going to shove in a drawer and ignore.

one of the things about motherhood that is so exhausting is the constant sharing of everything – now it’s my cell phone, my food, my drinks, my computer, my bed. eventually it will be my clothes, my shoes, my makeup, my car, my tampons. unless they start anteing up some good stuff in return, i am so done with it.

being snowed in so close to new year’s inspired me to reflect on my regrets of the past year: had i only let my landscaper plow me, he would have plowed my driveway too.

how do you know for sure chivalry is dead? when you dig out of  36 inches of snow by yourself for 3 hours (though a small price to pay for my freedom).

my forearm was killing me from the repetitive motion of shoveling but i just had to keep going until i was done. this must be how 13 year old boys feel when they first discover masturbation.

i am sore all over and not in the good way.

snow is the only time you will get something that goes very deep, is over 6 inches, and is white.

there is nothing like a new pair of shoes and a good orgasm to cure what ails you.

when i find random screws around the house i always wonder where they came from and if something is about to fall apart.

i handled my last relationship as badly as marcia clark handled the OJ trial but i didn’t get a makeover and a tv show after it was over.

every time i try to quit drinking they keep pulling me back in.

the chinese calendar says 2011 is the  year of the rabbit. on the swv calendar, it’s The Year Of the Boot.

if the school requires my kid to be in a choral recital to graduate, do i have to go?  and if so, shouldn’t they have a drink cart? think of the money the PTA would raise…

my gf told me she reads my blog while on the crapper. i was so flattered!

i’m sooo over the cat now that i’m out of pussy jokes.

a friend suggested i train to the cat to make me drinks in exchange for cleaning up after him which isn’t all that different from any of my previous relationships.

why do i like cats? i have a lot in common with them: i hate to be picked up, i only want attention when i ask for it,  and if i don’t like you i will just ignore you & hide until you go away.

why don’t i like dogs? they are too needy, stupid, & messy. much like most of the men i have known…

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the suevolution(tm) / true but unecessary confessions / Uncategorized — 2 Comments
2
Jan 11

Happy Sue Year!

like i said last year, i don’t make new year’s resolutions anymore because i know i’m not gonna keep ‘em. let me give you an idea of how this type of thing has gone in the past:

i resolved to eat better, so i had a yogurt for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and an entire pizza for dinner.

i resolved to exercise more, so i joined a gym, worked out every day for 2 weeks, and then took a break for 6 months.

i resolved to cut back on carbs, so i stopped eating bread and replaced it with pretzels, popcorn, and tortilla chips.

i resolved to drink less, so i replaced the vodka with wine, and later the wine with vodka.

i resolved to do more things with my kids, so i watched tv with them.

i resolved to date men my own age, so i slept with a string of random 20 year olds.

i resolved to be more assertive, so i acted like a huge bitch.

i resolved to communicate better with those i love, so i talked to them less.

i resolved to stay out of the malls, so i shopped online.

i resolved to lose the last 5 pounds, so i gained 10.

i resolved to take better care of myself, so i started going to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

i resolved to give myself more time in the morning by setting my alarm to wake me earlier, so i snoozed until i woke up late.

i resolved to let my hair grow long, so i stopped shaving.

i resolved to read more and watch less tv, so i leafed through catalogs while watching my dvr.

i resolved to be more patient with others, so i tried to convince my gynecologist to give me a prescription for xanax.

i resolved to save money, so i started picking up loose change up off the floor.

i resolved not to settle and to find someone who really gets me, so i got a cat.

i resolved to drink more water, so i added ice cubes to my vodka.

i resolved to floss every day, so i avoided the dentist for 14 months.

i resolved to take up a hobby, so i collected one night stands.

i resolved to get more rest, so i started taking sleeping pills.

i resolved to cook more for my kids, so i got frozen dinners.

i resolved to keep my house clean, so i hired a cleaning service.

i resolved to make some new single friends, so i hung out with my kids on their playdates.

i resolved to be more of a “morning person,” so i started drinking more coffee.

i resolved to be strong, so i cried in the night when no one was looking.

i resolve to make 2011 the year of The Suevolution(tm). so, let’s see how that goes.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
5
Dec 10

The Fighting Vaginas

me to dana: “that is such good news – i’ll drink to that… no, really, i will.”

BFFA: “do you swing?”

me: ” i never have , but i’m not opposed to it.”

BFFA: “see, this is why i love you,”

the BFFA & i have just passed an important milestone in our relationship – our first menstrual cycle together.

i am really worried i am one vodka tonic away from hooking up with a chick.

adult cereal should have adult prizes like mini bottles of booze, a sleeve of vicodin, a shot glass, The Bullet, or 2 double a batteries.

during my senior year of college, i was all set to go to grad school to become a psychologist and then i realized something really important: i really don’t give a shit about other people’s problems.

mikey w. “the new chick canceled on me for tonight. should i try to get last night’s chick to blow me?”

me: “you could or maybe you could let your dick dry out for one night.”

the BFFA’s bday is before mine which means i have to set the birthday celebration bar. naturally, it will be extremely high, expensive, & excessive.

three things i will never do myself: clean my house, paint my toenails, and put air in my tires.

i don’t understand how can i be turning 40 this year when i still have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination.

me: “i promise to behave.”

BBFA: “according to who’s standards? yours are pretty low.”

richard simmons may sweat to the oldies, but i sweat to the hotties.

BBFA: “you’re still bitter about your divorce.”

me: “not at all. i am thrilled about the divorce-  it’s the 17 years that preceded it that i am bitter about.”

i am so laid back because i lay back…

fall is here – make sure you clean your yard and and trim that hedge.

BFFA: “that’s why i like you – you get all my jokes and think they are funny.”

me: “so, you’re just using me for my comedy?”

BFFA: “no, i am using you for your body.”

me: “oh. okay, then.”

i think one of the secrets to maintaining a lasting relationship is proper personal grooming: it’s hard to say “i love you” with a pubic hair stuck to the back of your throat.

i am so excited about being an aunt that i have decided to pay for my nephews’ education – they can go to the best bartending school in the country and i will even personally set them up with apprenticeships when they graduate.

BFFA: “at what age can you stop shaving your balls?”

me: “when you stop wanting blow jobs.”

lor on dating: “new relationships are like crack in the beginning, but eventually the negatives come out. it can’t be orgasms all the time.”

if you are an adult man wearing a backpack it’d better be for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. you are “special.” 2. you lost your sherpa. otherwise, you are just really creepy.

BFFA: “do you recycle?”

me: “only my men.”

it never fails, i always leave something behind when i jet the next morning -  my self respect.

i’m convinced the scale at the gym is rigged to make you think you’re heavier than you are so you will never let your membership expire.

BFFA: “is that all you want from me – sex?”

me: “pretty much.”

BFFA: ” i am the chick here.”

mikey w: “i’m 38.  finding a woman my age without kids is like finding a fucking unicorn.”

my pussy totally smells like tuna – well,  i ran out of cat food and i had to feed him something.

i think i will start my own female football team. i will call it The Fighting Vaginas. the team color will be red and the mascot will be a giant tampon.

the next bitch who comes into the bathroom at work and says, “full house!” is getting nailed with the stall door.

have vodka will travel

the nephews are really cute – i’m looking forward to all of their developmental milestones like crawling, walking, &  mixing drinks.

one of my pre-set stations on my car radio turned into a country music station overnight. shouldn’t they have to give you 2 weeks notice?

me: “come to my place tomorrow. p. nut would love to see you.”

BFFA: “it’s always about your pussy, isn’t it?”

no matter how hard you scrub the next day, you ain’t gettin’ off the stank of regret.

if you’re gonna cook in my kitchen, make sure you preheat my oven.

love means never having to say, ‘”where are my pants?’

you don’t feeling like shaving? that’s ok. i don’t feel like waxing my mustache.

send me home sore or don’t bother.

i never stand on ceremony – unless it will make me appear taller.

i like those memory foam mattresses, but i wonder if they leave evidence. like will it remember me the next time i come over or worse – have the impression of some others chick’s body on it?

vets could really increase revenue by doing a twofer special: bring your pet in to be fixed, get your husband done for free.

among the fondest memories of my childhood, was the time i discovered the speeds on the shower massager had little do with showering and much more to do with massaging.

shame is like the stench after being sprayed by a skunk – you can try all sorts of things to get rid of it, but it generally just has to wear off in it’s own time.

true story: in the restroom at the 2o year HS renuinon,  i ran into one of the snotty twats from hs who still wouldn’t say hello, so i told her that she is still a bitch.

one of the best days of my life was june 21, 2009: not only were the divorce papers signed and the asshat moved out, but i called my ex-monster-in law a cunt to her face. twice.

BFFA: “i’m not wearing a belt.”

me: “i’m not wearing underwear.”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
2
Dec 10

BBFA

spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…

life is all about setting boundaries and learning to  just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.

every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.

well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.

BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?

i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.

i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i  just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”

i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.

i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.

mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”

i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.

i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….

the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk”  isn’t a mood.

regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.

after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.

when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.

one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.

hey jamie, you’re in the blog.

i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?

i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?

actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…

i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…

i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.

recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”

in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.

i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.

and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.

we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”

i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.

after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”

my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.

the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.

me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”

dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?

i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.

is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?

i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.

debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”

at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:

loreen: “who’s that?!”

me: “that’s don.”

loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”

me: “yes he does. you can have him.”

upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”

me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”

of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…

i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.

judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.

and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?

are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?

and to all the ladies at work:  do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.

what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”

what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”

BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
21
Nov 10

FFIP

it’s hard to date just one person, and as yvette says: “it ain’t cheatin’, if you’re just eatin’…”  i assume this applies to “beatin’ ” as well?

what is this business of getting to know each other before having sex? that is absolutely ridiculous – if the sex is bad, there is absolutely nothing else i need to know.

my old college buddy, miller, has now dubbed me, “surly with vodka.” as long as there is vodka, i don’t care what you call me.

things are moving kind of quickly with The BFFN (The Boyfriend For Now) and i have to tell you that i am really excited to get to that part of the relationship where i have to shower less…

we have decided to be exclusive – we don’t want to date any other couples.

he loves to pet my pussy – i’m really starting to become jealous of that cat…

the other day was National Smokeout Day. i think i may have misconstrued the meaning – turns out it was cigarettes, not pole.

the tightness of the pants i wear on a date depends on how quickly i plan to be out of them.

i’m not on west coast, central mountain, or eastern time. i’m on BCT: Booty Call Time.

Adam: “so, what are you going to wear on your date tonight?”

me: “something easy to slip out of.”

Adam: “are you planning on having sex?”

me: “do you have to ask?”

the new relationship is going so well – my only concern is the challenge it presents to my cynicism…

i have found BFFN’s fatal flaw: he snores deeply enough to suck small planets out of orbit.

BFFN asked me to promise not to fake the orgasms and i agreed as long as he promised to give me the reasons not to.

bumper sticker: have toothbrush, will travel.

i think the alarm clock could be improved by replacing The Snooze Button with a Morning Sex Button.

BFFN: “so, what kind of wine do you like?”

me: “cheap. like me.“

when people tell me to “behave” or not to “work too hard,” i just laugh – those are two things i never do.

BFFN: “my friend sent me pictures of his wife naked.”

me: “omg. what an asshole. let me see.“

before we go out, my friends tell me to keep my pants on and i admonish them not to.

it was friday night, and all across the land, bootay was being had. the queen was pleased.

BFFN: “you are the horniest girl ever.”

me: “thank you.”

since i have 2 girls, i am fascinated by my new nephews’ little wangs – its the only time tiny penises are adorable.

there is a cliched poster female co-eds like to hang in their dorm rooms – the one with the gorgeous man holding the tiny baby in the palm of his hand. now, this is where they have it all wrong – make it a balding, overweight, middle aged guy who never hears the baby crying at night and maybe we won’t have to suffer through the palins or shows like 16 and pregnant anymore.

mikey w: “i used to date a girl who liked me to cum on her face so she could rub it in – it’s good for the skin you know.”

me: “i’ll just stick with Oil of Olay.”

my pussy is so well groomed – i brush him every day and clip his claws every week.

me: “i’ll bring the booze. do you want cheap vodka or cheap wine?”

dana: “things seemed to be going so well. i don’t understand what happened.”

me: “he must have met someone else.”

dana: “or, he didn’t like how my vagina tasted.”

me: “well, that is always a possibility.”

i love car seat warmers – they provide all of the pleasant warmth of peeing in your pants with none of the wetness.

my pussy is so clean – he is always licking himself.

i was texting with my sister and mikey w. at the same time: the first convo involved giving motherly advice about the new babies, the second was a discussion of our sexual conquests in great detail. i just loved the irony of Parallel Textersations.

BFFN: “did you want to have sex?”

me: “well duh, of course i do, but what made you ask?”

BFFN: “well, you came back from the bathroom holding your belt & your pants are unbuttoned.”

hope was worried her date wouldn’t like the fact that her nail polish was chipped. i told her not to worry about it unless she was going out with a gay guy.

mikey w.: “who the fuck knows.”

me: “no one. so just fuck who you know.”

i’m really into the new bf, so i don’t want to date anyone else, but i do normally like to keep my options open, and by options, i mean legs.

i am going to market a new line of Do Not Disturb/Housekeeping hangers for the door that are more honest. one side will say FFIP: Fuck Fest In Progress. the other side will say, Caution: Wet Sheets.

BFFN: “you have to get off me – i really have to go now & get ready for that wedding today.”

me: “call in sick.”

the only time i condone the use of marijuana is for purely medicinal reasons – like before sex.

you should always visit a guy’s place before becoming too involved with him- it’s very important to see him in his natural habitat.

the beginning of a relationship is always so wonderful – the getting to know one another, the mind-blowing sex, the falling in love much too quickly, the trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with each other and when it’s all going to go to shit…

when we go on dates, women generally operate with the knowledge that the dude most likely only just wants to fuck us – any chick over 30 who doesn’t realize that is a moron or amish.

fuck that mars, venus bullshit.  i think it’s more like oil & water: with enough agitation, you can get them to mix well together briefly, but no matter what, they always end up separating completely.

i pride myself on being the sanest one over a wide demographic of crazy friends, proving once again, that sanity is all relative.

ever hear of the wolf in sheep’s clothing? well i think i may be a dude in chick’s clothing…

you’re allergic to my cat so you can’t ever come over to my place? that is puuurrrrfect.

i like to go to the guy’s place – let him clean up the aftermath of the crime scene i’m surely going to create in the bedroom…

having all of this technology while dating creates new ways to asses a match: for instance, i find it very important that there is Compatible Textiquette. i think there should be a category on the profile called Text Preferences, because a mismatch in that area can be a total deal breaker. you would mark like desired frequency, preferred response time, and how just soon filthy texts can be sent…

on the subject of texting though, too much of it before you actually meet gives you false sense of knowing the person and feeling comfortable with him which normally leads to major disappointment in the real life meeting. although, i have had great Text Chemistry with many guys prior to meeting them, the excessive texting did not reveal the growth on the neck that should be looked at immediately, the hairy arm that was suggestive of a recessive werewolf gene, the bad breath that could not be cured with even a stick of minty gum, the nervous tics that had me running into the rest room hoping for a window to jump out of, the ripped dirty sweatpants, the rent-a-wreck he came in, the bad manners, the fact he hasn’t showered since his last date,  or the fact that someone else had to be writing for him because the real life person was lacking any wit or personality. you gotta be careful with your virtuality – it’s an e-jungle out there.

i decide if i will sleep with a guy the minute i meet him by assessing if i can drink him fuckable.

i just hate to leave my pussy alone all night – i think i’m gonna have to start bringing him with me.

BFFN after checking out my laundry room: “i have to bring some laundry over, you have big machines.”

me: “i do have big machines. just make sure you bring some quarters for my slot.”

can u imagine how creepy you would be if you actually winked as much in real life as you do in texts? ;-)

i was razzing BFFN about not wanting to go see him in his White Trash Apartment and he told me i had to go to the jungle to get ravished. apparently, me: jane, he: horny.

me referring to the kitten: “look, my pussy is excited to see you.”

BFFN: “so, what’s new?”

we have only been dating a week but it feels so much longer. a quick, cursory review might reveal why: we saw each other 5 out of 7 days, i have done inappropriate things to him in his apartment with clearly, no regard for his children sleeping in the next room, i demanded that he quit smoking on the first date, i agreed to go with him to his family’s thanksgiving dinner and meet his entire family (not shockingly, i was given the caveat to behave), we have watched 4 movies and exchanged toothbrushes & contact lens cases, and he did the pleasantly surprising & unexpected I Brought You Coffee Drop-By (he already knows how i like my coffee – Giant Skim Latte. STAT!), and i committed a hit and run in his building’s parking lot while leaving at 1 am the other night (oh whatever, it was just a tap that’s what bumpers are for). in week 2 he will come to my place so he can hit my neighbors’ cars and then we’ll probably knock over a bank and flee to mexico.

look i gave him head start and warned him to run as far away as fast as he could – you know men never listen.

i say: slack hard or not at all!

the next time i get invited to a wedding, i have the perfect gift: the name of my divorce lawyer.

BFFN: “we can’t fool around when you come over, my kids will be asleep in the next room.”

me: “what kind of horrible, slut do you think i am?”

BFFN: “the worst kind. “

me: “that is so sweet – you already know me so well”


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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman — 1 Comment
22
Oct 10

RVS

here is how to tell if the guy you’re “dating” is too young for you: when pillow talk after sex is really motherly advice.

handy binge drinking hangover planning formula for the middle-aged: 1 hour for every year of your life multiplied by the amount of drinks you plan to have = the amount of recovery time you will need to allot afterward.

like the prince looking for the girl who fits the shoe, i will know i have met my beloved when he finds my magic bean.

an asshat by any other name is…my ex-husband.

i have mercy fucked the ugly, the poor, the young, the old, the hairy, the sweaty, the ill-tempered, ill-mannered, ill-equipped, the poorly skilled, the fat, the skinny, the weak, & the wretched. i am the gd mother theresa of sex.

looks like the boys of summer have gone; but that’s okay – because my vagina grows a thick coat & goes into hibernation over the winter.

since we got the kitten, i have no desire to go out & troll for men anymore. now i stay home & do what i do best – stroke my pussy.

we won’t be a truly civilized society until every restroom has butt wipes.

anyone know the etiquette governing sheet changing between one night stands? i just don’t have that much time for laundry.

i just want one dependable penis. is that too much to ask?

it is nearly impossible to find truth in dating and i am just tired of the inevitable disappointment – so i am going to run my sex life like an employment agency from now on: interested applicants will be pre-screened via an application process in which they must submit current photos, a resume outlining all skills & qualities applicable to the job,  complete employment history, a P & L statement, personal references and at least 3 glowing letters of recommendation from previous employers. after being granted an interview, candidates that make it to the second round must pass a simulated field test, blood test, & thorough physical examination. there will be temporary positions available with the possibility of long term employment if job performance is evaluated to be satisfactory. there is no vacation or sick time but full benefits will be available after successfully completing a designated waiting period. employment is strictly at will – my will. it will not be an EEO workplace either. only serious applicants need apply. 

i was talking to my cousin & lamenting the release of the last penis in my stable back into the wild. i was telling him how hard it was find a steady lay. he summed up the single woman’s situation perfectly, “you can get laid any time you time want, just not by whom you want.”

i am no fashionista, but aren’t footless tights the same as leggings? now crotchless, i understand.

does anyone remember when the manicurist actually gave a shit about NOT getting polish on your skin? this is what happens when you outsource american goods & services to overseas workers.

i frequently wake up in the night all tingly and unable to get back to sleep -i think i am suffering from RVS – Restless Vagina Syndrome.

some women do divorce planning before they file. i affair-planned.

want a free lunch? throw a card into my bowl.

i would be more apt to play barbies with my girls if they made some dolls i could relate to like Divorced Barbie and her slutty twin sister, Sowing Her Oats Barbie or their fun friend, Part-time Alcoholic Barbie.

i am old fashioned girl – i expect a man to pay for my dinner before he gets to have me for dessert.

a successful one night stand is just that- ONE night. don’t ruin it by actually trying to get to know each other.

my body is like a temple and those who do not worship it properly will be excommunicated.

single woman at confession: bless me mother for i have sinned. i had impure thoughts & slept around. head mistress: do two 20 year olds, and blow one old man.

these are my rules for “dating” those under 30: come over and fuck me when i call, every time i call, never ever stand me up, don’t ask for snacks, don’t whine about your mommy, don’t ask for career advice or to take a shower, and, for god sakes, leave immediately after we are done – i have shit to do in the morning.

so i’m settling into the new job nicely – my top drawer is filled with snacks, i have memorized the secret code to get into the employee “lounge,”  i have eradicated any evidence of the existence of the person before me (most likely tossing important papers i will need when i actually know what i am doing), & by day 6, i had my pants unbuttoned after lunch.

after the following conversation occurred in my bedroom:

“i’m going home to sleep.”

“well, of course you are.”

“well, are you at least gonna walk me out?”

“do i have to?”

i  decided to look into obtaining some signage so that the exits are clearly marked.

some people think it’s time i cleaned up my act – so i decided to take a 30 day pledge of sobriety & chastity. HAHAHAHAHAHA

i pray for world peace and freedom from asshats for all.

i have come to the conclusion that i am not a fan of showers of any kind unless it’s hand held.

no longer working with men is a welcome relief from all the oogling, flirting, & sexual tension -  i was starting to worry i was going to get fired for sexual harassment.

some people find success with yoga or meditation, but i didn’t feel truly at peace until i got in touch with my Inner Bitch.

there is nothing like a warm pussy in your lap -  once you go cat, you never go back.

how can booze & sex feel soooo good at the time, but soooo bad the next day?

you know you’re getting old when you have to slide that birth year bar alllllllllllll the way down to select the year. sigh.

this is terribly shallow, but it always surprises me when ugly people have affairs.

wrap dresses need to have cautionary labels such as: WARNING: A sudden gust of wind may blow dress completely open while you are walking past 27 car mechanics. Wear underwear at all times when using this product.

bumper sticker seen on horse drawn carriage: prince charming was a mama’s boy.

when a divorced woman is with her married friends, they seem to hold their husbands arms slightly tighter. married ladies, not to worry: we know your husbands, we have listened to you bitch about them, and most importantly, we are not interested in trading one jackass for another. that prize is all yours honey.

you can never go wrong just being yourself…unless you’re a total asshole.

while reflecting upon my failed marriage, i realized there were so many other men i could have chosen to disappoint me.

getting back into bed after the girls’ bus leaves on my day off isn’t so much about needing the sleep, so much as it is just knowing i can.

three things i have just accepted i am not going to do no matter how much i continually resolve to do them:

1. floss

2. make my bed

3. balance my checkbook

i pulled a “going out” bag i rarely use out of the closet the other night and found a wad of singles in it. at first i was elated, but then i became increasingly alarmed trying to trace its origins…

i would rather sleep with a stranger than have phone sex with him.

i was recently at a hotel i used to frequent for a completely legitimate reason and it didn’t feel right…

note sent from rapunzel’s tower: i’m bored. send shoes.

making new friends at work: over it.

i’m an optimist – i always see the vodka bottle as 1/2 full.

removing a new barbie from the package is like negotiating a hostage release.

it’s not the men i miss or even the sex – it’s the texts.

it’s a good thing i don’t have a bookie because i have borrowed wine bottles all over town with no intentions of paying ‘em back.

you know it’s finally over when you de-friend him on facebook.

i get on these food jags where i obsessively eat one thing until i get sick of it. usually, the only way to cure it is to just finally gorge myself on the thing in one sitting which makes me become disgusted with it forever after The Feed. it works in other areas of my life too -  i had tons of meaningless sex with strangers for a few months and i am completely done with that now. the vodka, however, is the anomaly to this theory.

here is the thing about reunions in middle age: as expected, the women, for the most part, look gorgeous and even better than they did in high school; or at the very least, are well preserved. what is shattering, is to see the beautiful boys you lusted after have all turned into short, fat, bald gnomes. this is particularly crushing when you are freshly divorced, feeling fabulous, and using The Reunion as a Dating Opportunity.

text exchange with my gf loreen:

me: s’up beyatch?

loreen: same shit. what are you up to?

me: ditt-O. cept now i do it with a cat

loreen: i hope you weren’t being literal about doing it with the cat.

me: nah. i’m done with males of all species.

loreen: now that was funny.

me: thank you, good night.

oh  my god. i just answered the door with a cat in my arms. it’s official, i am a Crazy Cat Lady.

i really don’t hate men – i’m just trying to head ‘em off at the pass.

the ex wants me to give him a ghet (a jewish divorce). oh, he can have his ghet, when i get the rest of what i’m supposed to get.

i just adore the kitten, but i am not going to be one of those people who talks endlessly about her pet; but i just have to tell you about the cutest thing he did the other day…

i remember when i first found out that all of those gorgeous male models with the six-pack abs & sculpted bodies were gay. that certainly set the tone for disappointment in men early in life.

one of my random hookups took the last condom home with him. i thought this was bad form. is he not familiar with the concept of a hostess gift?

i love that facebook personally tailors the ad sidebar for me: a weight loss ad, followed by a divorce support group ad, followed by a romance a millionaire ad. what, no vodka or AA ads?

my dating life is in recession headed toward a full depression.

Truth In Dating icebreaker: razor, laser, or wax?

terry cloth sweats are my preferred loungewear – they are highly absorbent and quickly mop up the spilled vodka – and then you can wring ‘em out into your glass. (i do so hate waste.)

i used to think asexual people were missing something, but now i think they actually have it all figured out.

whenever i bring a man back to my place, i like to slip into something a little more vodka.

oh bare minerals, you had me at sleep.

so i realized i was out of a few things for making school lunch and went food shopping in my friend’s refrigerator. the price was right but she wouldn’t honor my coupons.

new bumper sticker: wanna consumate?

when a friend of mine was trying to convince me to engage is some inappropriate texting, i told him i wasn’t sure about it because “i’m so shy…an absolute shrinking violet.” he responded, “more like a venus flytrap.”

when women say, “why are the good ones always taken?” i wonder what exactly is their definition of “good.”

is being a douchebag a choice or are you just born with it?

and in that vein, i am fairly certain anyone driving a yellow mode of transport, other than a school bus driver, is one.

i have no idea what the meaning of life is, but i do know vodka is clear for a reason.

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one liners- hey it's easy / rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — 1 Comment
20
Oct 10

the splash zone: episode 6

7 y/o to me while i was calling her friend for a playdate, “you will probably have to leave a message on her voice messaging system.” i giggled, which prompted 10 y/o to say to her,  “you are going straight to the blog.” 7 y/o to me,  “great, now you’re writing it down.”

10 y/o: “there are so many old people here.” me: “we are all going to be old one day.” 10 y/o: “yes, but you be will old much sooner than me.”

me: “a kitten will be a lot to handle.” 10 y/o: “yes, but i want one from the kitty litter.”

10 y/o after her sister sneezed: “i just got a little spritz in the splash zone.”

so, mommy is a sucker and we got a new kitten and the maniacal phototaking ensued. i said, “it’s like the paprazzi in here.” 7 y/o said, “no it’s the catarazzi.”

7 y/o was flailing her arms by my coffee and i said, “can you please watch this?” meaning be careful not to spill it. i went into the other room and after a minute she asked me if she could go pet the cat and i said, “of course, you don’t need permission.” and she said, “well, you told me to watch this.”

while catsitting, my mom’s cat, dexter, the girls were discussing getting our own kitten. 7 y/o said to 10 y/o, “shhh. dexter can hear you.” and 10 y/o replied, “i’m not cheating on him.”

me to 10 y/o, “well, i told you that already. you don’t listen to me.” “no, i don’t, do i?”

10 y/o: “cats are just like elderly people: they sleep, eat & poop.”

me: “you guys, this movie is so horrible.” 7 y/o: “that’s the point.”

the girls  & i got home late one night & i was too tired to make lunch before bed so i made it the next morning. after putting it in her backpack before leaving for school, 10 y/o looked at me & said, “well, the lunches got made this morning, but this isn’t going to become a habit is it?”

10 y/o on phone with her friend, “i’d like to have a playdate, but my mother has a homework policy.”

10 y/o noticed my frown when she took a bottled water which i like to reserve for school lunches and said to me, “you can buy more, mommy. i’ll give you the five dollars.”

me to 10 y/o referring to an online game: “i really do not find that game to be appropriate.” “why? it’s just a dress up game.” “look at how she is drawn: her boobs are huge.” 10 y/o: “they’re not huge, they’re ENORMOUS.”

10 y/o pondering her halloween costume, “i could go as a nerd.” me, “ok.” 10 y/o, “but that may be offensive to the kids that really are nerds.”

so my new job is technically in the mall, but i have a desk job, however, upon hearing of the location, 7 y/o exclaimed, “you get to work in  the mall? you are SO LUCKY!”

7 y/o, “mommy, if you keep wearing black to work , they are going to think you’re goth.”

while watching a show with 10 y/o, she asked, “so what’s this show about?” me, “just about their life together.” 10 y/o, “so it has no context whatsoever?”

girls and i were discussing how they would feel about me dating which prompted 10 y/o asked me if i was dating anyone. i told her i wasn’t and pointed out that i had told her that already. she replied, “well, i don’t pay attention to your background life.”

we were watching a show where the divorced couple was really amicable and 10 y/o asked, “why is the mom allowed in the dad’s house?”

every time i leave a room, my kids start yelling, “moooooooom?” while their dysfunctional need to know where i am every minute is somewhat flattering, i get tired of responding after the first 400 times. the other day i was ignoring the calls from the next room which prompted 10 y/o to say, “where are yoooooooooou?” i yelled back, “i left.” then i added, “maybe i should wear a tracking device.” 10 y/o agreed saying, “that would be nice for both of us.”

dinner at grandma’s house the other night included zucchini muffins (which 7 y/o thought were delish until she realized they were healthy) – 10 y/o said she really liked them because they had “a microwaveable quality to them” which reminded her of my cooking…

watching 10 y/o put ketchup on her plate sparked this conversation:

“i thought you didn’t like ketchup.”

“i like it only with specific foods.”

“like what?”

“french fries.”

“what else?”

“nothing.”

“well, that is specific.”

me to 7 y/o, “i notice you hardly play in your room anymore.” 7 y/o, “that’s because you make me clean it up.”

upon telling the girls, they would have to come with me to my doctor appointment, and 10 y/o asked, “is it for a genealogy test? i said, “i think you mean gynecologist.” “whatever, i don’t want to go to your vagina appointment.”

7 y/o to 10 y/o after i laughed at something she said: “she is just going to have more and more things to put in the blog. oh no. i just gave her one. i better just not talk. ugh. she’s writing that down too.”

7 y/o likes to pretend she’s a cat but she gets extremely rambunctious when she does. the other night, it was late & she wanted to play cat and i told her she could but she had to be a calm cat. 10 y/o chimed in, “yeah. a cat on meds.”

me: “look, a baby deer.” 7 y/o: “it’s probably a teenager. babies can’t be alone.”

7 y/o to me after i explained an idea to her, “this is your plan?”

7 y/o watching an untalented disney star (as if there is any other kind) sing, “he is totally lip singing.”

10 y/o was half-heartedly complaining about being blog fodder (she actually really loves the attention) and i said, “but i never use your names. no one knows who you are.” “right, you just say 10 year old and 7 year old like no one knows who that is.”

7 y/o remarked to her sister, “you are double digits now.” and then i said, “wow, you are getting so big!”  she replied, “yes, i’m a tweenager now. it goes from juvenille to tweennesss, to drinking adult.”

me to girls, “i made rice krispie treats yesterday.” 10 y/o, “you actually made something?”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — No Comments
23
Sep 10

SSDP

i’m developing a new line of washing machines for single women: it will have a sperm setting.

i’m starring in a new reality show called, “revolving door.” guest stars are only on for one episode.

i’m done having babies – i’ve become claustrofetus.

when considering potential dates, i really try not to be shallow, but i’m just not deep enough…

remember the almond joy/mounds commercial? well, i have a similar jingle: “sometimes, i wanna be a slut, sometimes i don’t…”

women truly want to stop fucking assholes, but ask any woman why she does and she will tell you that it’s so hard to let a good penis walk out of your life.

i should have slept my way up while i had the body for it. i would definitely be running something by now.

i can’t decide which was worse: my last hangover or the last dude i slept with, but i can always take aspirin to get rid of the headache.

the amount of patience i have for my kids is directly proportional to my BAC.

saw a police officer forget her car keys at the bank counter. apparently “to serve & protect” does not require a short term memory.

it occurs to me that i am literally being paid to give a shit when i crap at work.

since i moved to the kitchen & bath department, there has been a marked increase in massage shower head sales.

frequently, i am asked which shower head i recommend. this advice obviously differs on the gender of the individual and the intended use…

the cruel irony of the bath aisle, is that i once had to hold my pee for 40 minutes while discussing the features of different toilets.

some guys are just not worth the good lingerie.

my newest bumper sticker:  stop me before i sleep with another loser.

do any of those “club” stores sell condoms in bulk? and if so, does anyone want to go halvsies on a membership?

bedtime is when i am pointing my cell phone at the tv to change channels and getting really pissed off that the remote is not working.

i always thought “scifi” was cool, but “syfy” is just douchey.

not only is it hard to find good help, but it’s almost impossible to find a steady lay.

i just don’t trust people who don’t drink. what do they have to hide?

gentlemen: when in a bar and you feel strange boobs in your back, in most cases it translates to, “i think you’re hot.”

if i wanted to date a guy that ignores me, i would have stayed married.

i told a friend the scent of lavender helps me fall asleep (you know – on the nights when i have run out of vodka). she said that it’s also supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men. i said, i thought that was called sex. i have a hard time imagining men need something to lure them into the sack.

sometimes i will sleep with a dude in whom i  have no interest in ever seeing again just because i already shaved my legs.

some foods are just naughty: mounds, lays, hohos, ding dongs, snoballs, nutter butters. i love them all.

i once starred in a limited engagement off off off off off breoadway of a modern version of an old classic: goldilocks and the three penises. except i don’t have golden locks and i never did find one that was just right.

greatest compliment i ever received from another woman about my hair: “it’s like porn star hair.”

let me sum up online dating for you: SSDP: same shit different penis.

it’s not even a muffin top anymore – it’s more like a pound cake.

my sister was holding a 1/2 full wine bottle when i was driving us home from dinner one night (yes, even i have to take at turn at being designated). her worry that we could be pulled over was compounded by the knowledge of how vindictive my ex asshat is. i tried to soothe her by saying, “i’ve been taken to court for less.”

it’s official, i am a “cougar.” but, i think the next time i want attention from something needy, i’ll just get a puppy.

one day while unconsciously following a cheesy man around the store, because i tracked his scent like a horny teenage bloodhound, i realized i am still a whore for drakkar noir. i am truly ashamed but i accept there is just nothing i can do change that – i got my chops on it when i came up through the ranks.

i am so thrilled! my sister has asked me to be The Cougar of Honor at her wedding when she gets married.

yes, it is different than the other 20 i already have. so, never come between a woman and her shoes. or her purses. in fact, stay the fuck out of her closet entirely.

i’m sure this has been said numerous times, but i would like to reiterate: a good man is so hard to find, but a hard man is so goooooood to find.

only when i find the man that can make me want to throw away my vibrator and retire the showerhead, will i even begin to consider a second marriage.

i’ve tried several times to quit drinking and men. damed, if i can quit the drinking.

i’m looking for a new couch: i want a fabric that is durable, comfortable, & spooge-resistant.

it turns out i’m a racist – i just won’t date certain ethnicities based on penis size.

fried calamari and sangria: bad idea. fried calamari and sangria before sex: worse idea.

i am not big on fad diets but i found one that really works: The SWV Diet: you supplement all of your carbs with massive quantities of coffee, wine, & vodka.  you won’t lose a damn thing, but you won’t give a shit.

qvc has a “purses & shoe” channel. add cats and you have cornered the lonely single woman with considerable disposable income market.

i no longer have rolls. i have loaves.

keep in mind with online dating: the more expensive the site, the higher the grade of asshole.

you know what would really make chicks dig giving blowjobs? magic shell for penises.

when engaging in naughty texts prior to sleeping with someone, remember this law: the sexting is inversely proportional to the actual sex.

when it comes to phone/e-sex, most dudes can talk a great game but can’t deliver on the court. and you can forget overtime.

the problem with discovering a small penis is that it’s just too late when you do.

i’ve fallen and i can’t get off.

why do the guys with the smallest wangs think they are huge? it’s like a penile napolean complex.

before the cleaning service comes, i like to tidy up a bit – lest they find my bra in the couch cushions.

before e-dating, the only impersonal, non confrontational way to dump & humiliate someone was by leaving a message on the ol’ answering machine. now we have texting, voicemails, emails, IMs, facebook, and the logical companion to all of those which is my personal favorite: The Complete Lack Of Response. technology is so life enhancing.

has anyone seen the new “pro-glide” shaving cream commercial for men? it advertises “less tug & pull” and comes with a cream to use for “pre-shaving.” sounds like shaving just got a lot more fun..

if you can’t shake a creepy guy at the bar, tell him you’d love to go home with him now that the valtrex is finally working and you haven’t had an outbreak in months.

the toilet was not working, so i decided to try to fix it myself before calling in for professional reinforcements. i removed the wrong part, caused a geyser, and not only became covered in toilet water, but was in it up to my ankles. after wondering if 911 covers toilet emergencies, i worried that since i had been contaminated by toilet water, only  a plumber could now love me.

i wish i had GPS in college – that walk of shame home would have been so much easier to navigate.

i think fantasy sports leagues are just ridiculous. now, a fantasy penis league i could support.

or how about a fantasy shoe league? i’ll trade you the manolos for the vuittons.

in instructing a newbie in proper shower head use, i warned her to start out slow so as not to blow her bean off. it’s my most valuable advice.

fuck me once, shame on you. fuck me twice, now that’s more like it.

what is it about the makeup chick’s brush holster that screams power? she’s like a superhero of makeup sales. she can whip out just the right brush for a blush emergency. i am handy with the beauty implements, but i am sure her powder skills are clearly superior to my technique while wearing that tool belt. or maybe, she’s really a villain, because i end up buying tons of extra shit i never even wanted.

aren’t we all porn stars of our own sex life?

in observing so many out of state & canadian license plates, it occurred to me that the drive-thru line at mcd’s is the UN of fast food.

it’s a penis buffet out there when you’re single: so much to sample, you can go back as many times as you want, it takes a lot to get full, there is always dessert, but you rarely get your money’s worth.

men are like bottles of vodka: it’s always good to keep a few extra in reserve in case of a dry spell.

sex is like pizza: even when it’s not that great, it’s still pretty good and it’s always perfect for breakfast.

all i want is to find is the gomez to my morticia.

so i gave in and got a kitten for the girls. i named her Divorce Guilt, D.G. for short, but the kids call her Peanut. i like my name better.

isn’t it unnerving to know that at any given moment, tons of women are walking around bleeding heavily and some of them just tried on that same pair of jeans?

i told my friend that she should come stay with me on my free nights so i wouldn’t be tempted to go out & carouse. she said she didn’t realize it was that bad. i told her, that at the rate i’m going, i’m going to end up pregnant or in a clinical trial…

i am out of vodka and i can’t go out. where is that damn st. bernard when you need it?

if you want to know exactly what my marriage was like,  when you have some free time, watch the my morning straightjacket episode of american dad.

brilliant things my friends have said that i seriously considered passing off as my own:

“you know it’s an affair gone wrong when your bikini wax cost more than the motel room.”

“i speak guido.”

“say hello to my little bean.”

“important ratios: tooth to gum, tit to ass, dick to ball.”

“monogamy = monotony.”

“the one night stand exists because women allow it to.”

“the bigger the diamond, the more doomed the marriage.”

“tampons & chocolate should be sold in a combo pack.”

“the only thing a second marriage has going for it, is a second divorce.”

“i finally realized why i love my car lease. unlike my 3 year marriage, i will return it with no hassle, never have to see it again, and can upgrade to a better model.”

amen sistas.

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ponderings of a mad woman — 3 Comments
6
May 10

all around mommy’s big tush…

in honor of mother’s day, i have written some very special nursery rhymes for all the mommies out there. happy day, you wonderful, incredible, strong, superwomen.

old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to see that it was quite dry
she opened the door to see vodka no more and loudly did she cry.

there was a new mommy who was very blue.
she was so fucking tired, she didn’t know what to do.
so she poured herself a double
and took something for her head,
whipped her husband soundly
and then went to bed.

all around mommy’s big tush
the children fought each other.
the children thought t’was all in good fun ‘til,
FREAK! went the mommy.

a vodka a day
keeps the mommy okay.
kahlua in the morning
mommy’s pouring.
gin at night,
mommy’s all right.
bottle of wine before bed,
mommy really prefers red.
ten a day, hundreds each month, empty bottles, liquid lunch.

hey, hey bar keep,
have you any gin?
yes ma’am, yes ma’am
just came in.
one for the mother,
one for the wife,
and one for the kid
who took over your life.

diddle diddle dumpling
one shoe is gone.
went to bed
with my clothes on.
diddle diddle dumpling
i’m a mom.

eeny meeny miney moe.
catch a toddler on the go.
if he bites you,
you best let go.
eeny meeny miney moe.

the itsy bitsy rugrat
got hold of a black marker.
off came the cap
and all the walls were darker.
out came the mom
from in the crapper all alone.
swearing never again will freely that kid roam.

mommy, mommy chocolate eater.
had a diet that couldn’t keep her.
stuffed her mouth full of jelly beans.
fuck! now she needs all new jeans.

pussy cat, pussy cat
where have you hid?
in the bushes, away from that kid.
pussy cat, pussy cat, why did you go?
i crapped in his bed since i hate him so.

wives of a feather flock together.
especially if there’s wine.
gin or vodka, it’s their choice.
as long as i get mine.

the mommy in the hell.
the mommy in the hell.
hi-ho she’s always drunk.
the mommy in the hell.

ring around the soccer mom.
the PTA mom is faster.
fuck you, fuck you.
you’re all over-achievers!

super stressed mama sat in a corner
drinking her vodka & rye.
she chugged the first one and felt quite numb.
and then quietly did she cry.

little miss muff
sat on her duff
eating her kid’s table scraps.
along came a husband who said all day she did nothin’.
now she is doing 25 to life.

little bo peep hid from her sheep
and then she didn’t mind them.
she left them alone and had shots of petrone
animal control would find them.

jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch their lazy father.
they both fell down & broke their crowns
because their father is a moron.

jack sprat ate no fat.
his wife ate no lean.
because he never fucking came home for dinner.

mom be nimble.
mom be quick.
mom catch the kid
about to be sick.
mom run fast.
don’t be slow.
otherwise on the carpet it will go.

fe fi fo fum!
i smell the lies of a bad husband.
i know he’s been in a another’s bed.
i am going to beat him upon his head.

young mother cole was a very lonely soul.
and a lonely pretty wife was she.
she called for her handy man.
she called for her plumber.
and then she called for her painters three.

hey diddle diddle
the kid in the middle
is usually kind of off.
the little one laughed
when the oldest took note
that mommy ran away with a cop.

hickory dickory dock.
somewhere it’s 5 o’clock.
so mommy poured one
and down it went.
hickory dickory dock.

hush little baby,
don’t say a word.
mama’s gonna change your turd.
if that turd really stinks,
then mama’s gonna need a drink.
if that drink don’t do the trick,
then mama’s gonna get really sick.
if mama gets sick and makes a fuss,
the neighbors just may call dyfus.
if dyfus comes to take the kids,
daddy is gonna flip his lid.

humpty dumpty sat on a bar stool.
humpty dumpty drank ‘til he drooled.
all the queen’s horses & all the queen’s men,
wouldn’t let humpty come home ever again.

hush a buy mommy,
in the strip mall.
when the stores open,
visa will call.
before school ends
mommy must leave.
then much will cry mommy, shoesies, & all.

mommy’s pants are falling down.
falling down.
falling down.
mommy’s pants are falling down.
her muffin top is showing.

i’ve been doing all the housework
all the live long day.

i’ve been doing all the housework
just to scrub this dirt away.

cant you hear the bathroom calling?
it’s the next place i must clean.

don’t you hear the husband shouting?
“i need some underwear!”

bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do the laundry?

bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do the laundry?

no one’s in the kitchen with mommy.
no one’s in the kitchen, i know.
no one’s in the kitchen with mommy
not helping so she can’t go.
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