i can be found most every night, slaving away in my kitchen making dinner for my beloved children. after much trial & error, i have created a vast arsenal of nutritious meal options. since i want to share my experience with new & fellow mothers, here are a few of my favorite recipes*:
cold cereal
1. pour in bowl.
2. since you are out of milk again, just give your kid the box. works well for when you run out of school snacks as well.
chips & salsa***
1. pour salsa in bowl.
2. open bag of chips.
3. give kid bag of chips & bowl.
ice cream***
1. get 1/2 gallon container out of freezer.
2. coat with sprinkles generously. use multi-colored sprinkles for extra vitamins.
3. serve with spoon.
(provides 100% of RDA for calcium, which is integral to young bone development.)
tuna**
1. open can, drain most of liquid, & dump contents into bowl.
2. scrape remnants out of mayo jar & combine with tuna.
3. mix well enough.
4. glob on crackers.
5. admonish kids not to get cracker crumbs all over couch.
pizza***
1. call for delivery.
2. eat out of box.
chinese food***
1. call for delivery.
2. eat out of containers.
microwave popcorn***
1. place bag in microwave.
2. follow directions.
3. pick out burnt pieces.
4. open windows to let out burnt popcorn smell & deactivate smoke alarm.
5. serve in bag with mint flavored floss.
(on shabbat: pour in bowl.)
frozen waffles
1. defrost in microwave until mostly warm.
2. hand to kid on a napkin because dirtying a plate is really unnecessary.
3. ignore complaints about frozen spots because bus in already in front of your house waiting for your kids.
chicken nuggets
1. get in car.
2. go to mcdonald’s drive through.
3. cave in to happy meal requests as long as it’s a different toy than last time, but insist apple side is chosen over fries to offset nugget guilt.
cheesesticks***
1. open package.
2. hand package to oldest child & direct to open wrappers for smaller children.
grilled cheese***
1. bring children to grandma’s for dinner.
soup***
1. open can.
2. pour in cereal bowl.
3. add water.
4. microwave until lukewarm.
(spoons are optional.)
peanut butter & jelly
1. turn bread over so kids can’t tell you are using the heels because you forgot to buy bread when you were at market today.
2. spread too much peanut butter on each side of bread.
3. slop too much jelly on so it leaks out the sides (kids totally love this) being sure to get peanut butter in jelly jar b/c you are too lazy to get another spreading knife.
4. cut off crusts.*
pasta*
1. boil water until 1/2 ” depth is left in pot because you forgot about it.
2. refill pot & boil new water.
3. use random pastas collected from several 1/4 full boxes that have been left open.
4. overcook pasta because you forgot about it until you passed by kitchen to re-wash laundry that you also forgot about from 4 days ago & left in machine.
5. serve with any topping you can find because you have no actual tomato sauce, while convincing children it’s international pasta night & that is how they eat in whatever country you can remember from 5th grade geography.
mac & cheese
1. follow directions on box & serve.
2. eat leftovers from pot while standing up.
crackers & cheese
1. give kid package of cheese.
2. give kid box of crackers.
3. show child how to properly tear proportional pieces of cheese & place on crackers.
4. get mr. clean sponge to scrub permanent marker off of inside closet doors in 5 year old child’s bedroom that 8 year old knew was there for 6 months, but chose this one time not to tattle on younger sister. remove most of paint from doors even though most of marker remains. be happy anyway because she wrote ” i love mommy.”
go out to dinner
1. ask kids where they want to go.
2. go where you want anyway.
3. get your other slacker pals to join you with their kids.
4. seat kids at own table while you & pal sit at another & dish about your fascinating, fulfilling, suburban lives.
(this is my favorite, most used, & most highly recommended recipe.)
after you master these recipes, sit down with a vodka tonic in your water bottle, pat yourself on the back for nourishing your brood, and eat the leftovers while standing over the garbage can as you are throwing out the paper plates.
guide to asterisks:
*all recipes to be accompanied with baby cut carrots & side of tv.
**to be attempted by advanced chefs only
***feeds multiple children simultaneously
