Posts Tagged: chocolate


14
Feb 12

happy VD!

 

i bet you thought i had some snarky anti-valentine’s day post cooked up for today. like maybe how it’s just a hallmark holiday that is completely bogus because romance isn’t a once a year thing? or maybe how, it’s a conspiracy perpetrated by jewelers, florists, restauranteurs, retailers, and candymakers? or maybe how it’s another way in a long list of ways our society makes single women feel like less of a person because they haven’t settled for The One yet? or how it’s really for 15 year olds with crushes or who are in puppy love? Nah, i’m not gonna say any of that, because this valentine’s day finds me perfectly content. i thought about how different today would actually be if i were still married and i realized i would actually have been really upset because there would have been zero acknowledgment anyway. and for me, being lonely with someone, is far worse than just being alone. and as kelly clarkson says, “being alone doesn’t mean i’m lonely.”  and while i am single (99% of the time, happily), i really don’t feel alone anyway, since i have my girls and my nephews and my pals and etc etc. there was no one to let me down today and that is BIG in my book. i’m still enthralled with my freedom and independence and having this place all to myself. i’m still content to be the queen of the castle.

i had no issue complimenting flowers at work -heck i even delivered some. i ate their chocolate, ooooed & ahhhed at their jewels, and thanked jeebus i didn’t have to go home to their husbands. i had no stress about finding a gift for someone i wasn’t that into and i had no worries about disappointment. i enjoyed gift shopping for 2 kids who dig most anything i get them (or who are now old enough to at least pretend they do) and i came home to those same loving children who appreciate me and a cat who rubbed my legs (s0 what if he was hungry – i stilled laid his pellets out in a heart) so, honestly, it really was a good day.

and, guys, the 2 of you that read this, we women know valentine’s day is nonsense and we really just want you to be good to us all the time with small gestures rather than one artificial grand one. but if you’re in a relationship, you gotta acknowledge it. it’s a catch-22 for you, but suck it up, spend too much money on bullshit, and deal with it. whatever you did, i hope you weren’t the asshole who believed her when she said she didn’t care.

and you know what? i had my valentine’s days shower happy ending which is probably more than most people can say.

so happy VD!

 

see all of those cute colorful buttons over there ————->? go use ‘em!

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5
Nov 10

PBS

screw blondes – bad girls have more fun.

good girl, bad girl – it’s really all a matter of perspective.

so i have replaced wine with chocolate, but i think i have to go to pills next – no calories.

writing inspiration always strikes when i am in bed – after all, it is where i do my best work…

as far as dating goes, i think i may be a seller in a buyer’s market…

so far there is no major difference between having the cat around the house and having a husband: he sheds, eats anything i give him, doesn’t clean up after himself,  licks me only occasionally, marks his territory by peeing where he’s not supposed to, doesn’t come when i call, hides to avoid activities he doesn’t want to do, and ignores me until he wants something. nice thing is, i can neuter this guy and give him away if i get tired of him.

i enjoy a romp with my battery powered friend before i go to sleep. but after being surprised i took a 4 hour nap the other day, a friend suggested that i not set my vibrator to stun

you know, honestly, i didn’t want to get a cat at all, but it has given me a lot of new material – i have tapped into a whole new subject area since i can make endless double entendre pussy references now.

i have a friend who is a martha stewart of sorts and i just feel so inadequate around her – she really inspires me to want to do & be so much more…i have decided to stop hanging around her.

i was all set to go out to today and run a bunch of errands but then i realized i had so many unfinished things to take care of around the house – a bag of potato chips, a box of chocolate, and a bottle of wine.

i thought The Headache Excuse was completely bogus until i had one the other night -  i wouldn’t even do myself.

just how long have you let yourself go when you have to put “shower” on your To Do list?

my dating life is a train wreck and i am the unlicensed engineer.

The Biggest Loser is not only a reality show, but who contacts me online.

i am ready to dive back into the dating pool, but since there is no lifeguard, i am going to wear my floaties this time.

for some men condoms aren’t an option, you need a full wet suit.

thank goodness we educate new mothers about the possibility of post-partum depression after birth – but shouldn’t we do the same for new wives about post honeymoon depression after the wedding?

note to unworthy men: sometimes we fuck you because we have nothing else to do & we are just bored.

my resolve to get things done tomorrow is always so much stronger today.

i was at my friend dana’s house eating gas inducing hibachi leftovers and i asked her if she minded if i farted. she said, “no, but i just don’t want it to smell.”

i was immensely flattered to find out several of my friends must delete my texts.

dating has totally made me get why strippers hate men.

i was contacted by a hot greek man online. i began to respond, but remembered i had to do the proper background check first and google greek penis size first.

i think the problem with the dating pool might be that it’s only stocked with flounders & guppies and i’m a shark.

i would stop drinking, but nothing fun ever happens when i’m sober.

there are no alcohol bottles in my house – they are all outside in the recycle bin.

go ahead – jump in feet first into the sea of online dating – but wear a life vest.

i wish i could dvr my life – fast forward to the end of the work day, delete things i don’t like, watch the good parts of my day over & over again, generally avoid anything distasteful, and most importantly, set the frequency for sex.

i actually did give up drinking for awhile and i realized something very important: sobriety is greatly overrated.

my pal, jenna, & i poop at the same time every day (yes, sadly we discuss this) – some women synch their periods, we synch our bowels.

whatever i catch in the dating pool, must be thrown back – i am beginning to think it’s the bait…

being a lil’ bit crazy, but basically functional is fine, but being a batshit nutjob and wandering about free in the world should require some sort of identification be worn at all times so the rest of us have fair warning.

lice is going around the school. i worried about catching it until i found out they prefer to take residence in clean hair.

i’d like to see a female wrestler called The Ex-Wife kicking ass – or better yet, a super hero: among her powers would be the ability to make any deadbeat ex-husband pay up immediately and then banish him to a tower of isolation for eternity.

my girls have a problem with PBS: Pre-Bitch Syndrome.

i want to keep letting my hair grow until it’s past my boobs. question is, with a bra on or off? this obviously determines the amount it still has to go.

i don’t do name tags. chances are if i didn’t give a shit who anyone was before i knew their name, i’m not gonna start at a fucking corprorate cocktail hour. do adults who are capable of actual speech, remembering their own names, & controlled muscle movement really need to wear these things to break the proverbial ice? and, furthermore, it’s a good bet that i don’t want to be identified later…

conversation at work with cool boss:

boss: “do you think you will get married again?”

me: “no way!”

boss: “well, you are kind of negative about men.”

me: “wow, thanks for pointing that out – that’s a major breakthough.”

recently the girls & i were invited to dinner at their friend’s house. while helping clean up, i opened the fridge to put the leftovers away and the inside just looked so odd to me. i couldn’t put my finger on why until i realized it was full.

while totally warranted, bitter is such an ugly word used to describe me – i prefer tangy.

i have tried to be less lazy, but i’m just not that motivated do anything about it.

i have tried to be less high maintenance, but i just have so many needs to be met.

my cousin was hit on by a hot married woman who explained that her husband is a quadripalegic and they have “an arrangement.” cuz wasn’t sure he wanted to cross over to the dark side (something about morals), but, i, of course, advised him to go for it. he said, “ok, but if she pulls into the driveway in a wheel chair equipped van, that’s where i draw the line.”

it has recently occurred to me, i may be one of “those people.”

popping zits & bubble wrap: universally satisfying.

text conversation with a suspected jackass i had only been texting with for a few days, that even i found offensive:

jackass: “i am in manalapan, do you want to get spanked?”

me: “you have to be kidding me.”

jackass: “nope”

me: “i wonder if your dick is as big as your balls.”

jackass: never heard from again.

me: :-)

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15
Sep 10

chapter 5: the bra police

upon reading the details of a contest on a drink cap and observing the list of prizes was followed by the promise of  “and more,” 9 y/o snorted derisively, “ ‘and more’ is probably valued at a meat loaf.”

6 y/o to 9 y/o discussing the vacation they were going on with their father: “are we going to wisconsin?” “yes.” “maybe we will see my camp counselor – she said she was going there.”

i have promised 9 y/o she can get a kitten when we move (no, i don’t really want one, but it was a moment of weakness due to major divorce guilt), and  knowing what a handful kittens can be, i said i would prefer (like it matters) to adopt an older cat that we know is a lap cat. 9 y/o’s reply: “with a kitten there is no need for a lap cat, it’s a hand cat. cup of coffee in one hand, handcat in the other.”

on one saturday, my only day to sleep late that particular week, 9 y/o arose bright and early and watched tv until her sister and i woke up. when i finally emerged from my room, i asked her if she wanted some breakfast and she said, “no thanks. i ate tortilla chips and i’m full now.”

part 1: 9 y/o woke up and told me she wasn’t feeling well. since, i had to work that day, we had a spirited debate about whether or not she was really sick enough to stay home & necessitate the need for me to call out & lose pay for a day. she told me, “that’s what you signed up for as a parent. you didn’t have to give birth to me if you didn’t want to call out.”

part 2: so, my mother came to watch 9 y/o, so i could work the few meager hours for which i was scheduled and 9 y/o was so grateful, that she said, “if i ever need to take care of grandma, i will take off.”

9 y/o to grandma when she came visit one afternoon, “grandma, did you bring any food?”

9 y/o was loving on her sister and it was so cute, i couldn’t help letting loose a giggle, and she reprimanded me with: “i am trying to have an emotional moment here.”

me: “i just need a few minutes to finish writing this last paragraph.” 9 y/o snidely says to 6 y/o: “c’mon let’s go upstairs so she can finish writing about us.” they will thank me for documenting their childhood when they’re 30.

6 y/o: “would you rather have a mushy squishy tushy or a bony butt?”

6 y/o ” mommy, can you play barbies with us?” me, well i was just doing some work here on the computer right now.” 9 y/o, “oh so, watching tv and drinking wine is work?’

9 y/o discussing barbie’s ride with 6 y/o, “she drives a corvey.”

9 y/o telling me something about “silly bands (the newest overpriced crap fad to hit the grade school set), ” to which i replied in disbelief, “really?” and she said, “yes. i do not lie about silly bands.

this summer, their camp had a “winter in july” day to which the girls had to bring a sled. since it was kind of large, i started to help 9 y/o bring it to the bus. she stopped me and told me she would do it herself. i said, “am i really that embarrassing? “in unison, both girls replied, “yes.” (sigh. et tu 6 year old?

i gave up on tanning in my 20′s even tho i am so white i am almost transparent. upon noticing how pale my legs are, 9 y/o said, “mommy you need a tan, you’re whiter than coraline.”

9 y/o: “there was only one thing about camp i didn’t like this summer: one day the ice cream was only for the CIT’s and i got really mad. i take my ice cream very seriously.”

6 y/o: “mommy, will you go on the tatter totter with me?”

me to 6 y/o at breakfast: “i gave you 6 mini-pancakes and then you asked me for 3 more, so how many did you have altogether?” 6 y/o: “i don’t know. i don’t have math in my head. it’s summer!”

normally, i  strap these puppies down at night, but once in awhile they roam free. one morning, 6 y/o noticed and exclaimed in horror,  “mommy! you are not wearing a bra!” me: “and, why do you care?”  6 y/o, “i am the bra police.”

6 y/o in cereal aisle asking me if she can buy a particular cereal, “mom does this have crap in it?”  i have taught them well.

6 y/o: “mommeeeeeee, come get this spider web.” “it’s not a spider web; it’s a cob web.” “what are cobs?”

my sister & i used to read “the archies” digest comic books when were mere lasses & actually saved them lo’ these many years. 9 year old recently discovered the giant stack of them at her grandmother’s house and is now a fan. that being said, she is collecting the modern day editions. so, i told her to save them for when she is older and she will be glad she did. 6 y/o said, “yeah, so she can sell them online.” to which, i laughed heartily. in response to my amusement,  9 y/o said, “she is following in your footsteps.

9 y/o came home from school the other day most distressed upon learning a classmate has a heart condition & is not allowed to eat any chocolate. she said, “it’s the saddest thing i have ever heard.”

6 y/o heard the word chocolate and came over to investigate. when she learned there was, in fact, no actual chocolate, she said, “there is no chocolate here. i’m bored, ” and promptly walked away.

6 y/o saw my sister’s stretched belly (she is 6 months pregnant with twins) and said, “what happened to her bikini button?”

9 y/o had some dry skin on her face and i told her i would give her some lotion to put on it. upon hearing this she said, “yes, i need some for sensible skin.” chuckling, i said, “i  think you mean sensitive.

me to 9 y/o getting a snack to eat while watching tv: “don’t eat that on the couch!” 9 y/o, “i know the drill.”

while waiting for the bus one morning, the girls and i noticed the neighbors were having their roof replaced. the guys were yelling back and forth which prompted 9 y/o to say, “that may be the first conversation, i have ever heard on someone’s roof.”

me to 6 y/o struggling with a task: “can i help you with that, so it doesn’t take so long?”  she replied, “no, i like to be independent,”  which, of course, made me giggle. she then said, “i just knew you were going to laugh, somehow.”

i had caught a terrible cold from the girls recently and was struggling with the decision to drag myself into work or take a sick day. 9 y/o said, “go ahead, take the day off.”

9 y/o was making her belly button “sing.” she said, “it’s belly button karaoke.”

the girls are very interested in my sister’s pregnancy and have a basic understanding of how the babies grow. the other day, my  9 y/o asked me about the enchilada attached to the baby. i thought for a moment and realizing what she meant, said, “it’s called a placenta.” she replied, “enchilada, quesadilla, placenta. whatever”

i questioned if something 9 y/o said was really true, and she replied, “i swear on my cupcake.”

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8
Nov 09

roses are red part 2: for all occasions…

dried_rose_petals

okay, so the “happy divorce ™” card line (perhaps future e-card line?) was a hit. like bartles & jaymes, i thank you for your support. so, one of my best girls suggested the line could be expanded to include all kinds of Fuck You Occasions. why stop with Lunatic ex-husbands? i now realize the possibilities are endless and i am again inspired (still not inspired to finish a real post, but inspired nonetheless)…

roses are red, as a friend you’re the best, but you are a fucking bitch, when you pms.

rose are red, chocolate is divine, you were a sloppy drunk last night, we think it’s detox time.

rose are red, diamonds i adore, you slept with my boyfriend/husband, you’re a dirty fucking whore.

roses are red, there’s a cake called bundt, i have defriended you, because you’re such a goddamn cunt.

rose are red, love is usually fleeting, you’re fired you moron, because you missed the staff meeting.

roses are red, some peppers are mild, you better tell your wife soon, that i am pregnant with your child.

rose are red, your chic restaurant is hip, but the service was so bad, i am leaving no tip.

roses are red, the 80′s were rad,  but its 2009 now, and that haircut is just plain bad.

rose are red, facebookers like to chat, your husband/boyfriend propositioned me online, because he is a fucking rat.

roses are red, hay goes in bales, stop pressing send, and forwarding me those asinine emails.

roses are red, some eggs are runny, it’s time you knew, your dumb-ass jokes never were funny.

roses are red, lawnmowers cut grass, have you turned around lately, and seen the size of your ass?

roses are red, bozo was a clown, you are looking just like him, put the makeup brush down.

roses are red, the public is beggin’, no more fat thighs, in those scary tight leggins’

rose are red, some grapes are red, i may go to hell, but i sincerely hope you drop dead.

roses are red, swines have the flu, you’re the worst fucking boss, and i hate you.

roses are red, peaches have a pit, this job fucking sucks, and now i shall quit.

roses are red, kittens are cute, get your ass to the salon, you have 2 inches of roots.

roses are red, where is waldo, i am pleased to tell you, you’re getting quite baldo.

roses are red, i am feeling quite smug, to be the one to tell you, we all know it’s a bad rug.

roses are red, i have a feeling, you haven’t realized how much, your hairline’s receding.

roses are red, edward is a vamp, the whole town knows, your daughter is a little tramp.

rose are red, your bratty kid is a punk, the only way i can be with your family, is to get completely drunk.

roses are red, florida is warm, i will kill your dog, if he doesn’t stop crapping on my lawn.

roses are red, some people read books, i am not coming to for dinner anymore, because you’re a horrible cook.

roses are red, still water runs deep, no more nice presents for you, because you’re so fucking cheap.

roses are red, ducks like to quack, don’t ever call me again, since you really suck in the sack.

roses are red, pavement is black, i am finally breaking up with you, so hit the road jack.

roses are red, watch out for broken glass, it’s time for you to go, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

roses are red, pens have ink, go take a shower, because you fucking stink.

rose are red, peanut butter loves jelly, go brush your teeth, cause your breath is so damn smelly.

roses are red, the suns sets at night, go clean your messy room child, before i set it alight.

roses are red, carnations are pink, i will skin you alive, if you leave your dishes in the sink.

roses are red, monty python eats spam, that slut over there, slept with your man.

roses are red, green is the clover, i am tired of you bitch, our friendship is over.

roses are red, dogs have fleas, i never want to see you again, lose my number please.

roses are red, roaches are vile, i stopped listening to you whine, for quite a long while.

roses are red, leaves grow on trees, i ain’t gonna forget, about that money you owe me.

roses are red, bunnies like to hop, pull your pants up, and cover that huge muffin top!

roses are red, baseball players spit, so sorry to hear, you just can’t take a shit.

roses are red, moles like to dig, your armpits are soaked, because you sweat like a pig.

roses are red, i used to have slinkies, your fat rolls are growing, put down the twinkies!

roses are red, vodka is taxed, you look like a dude, time to get your lip waxed.

roses are red, i must beg your pardon, but if you ever want to get head,  you must tend your garden.

roses are red, babies eat mush, you can’t wear a bikini, unless you shave your giant bush.

roses are red, teenagers get zits, put on a bra, we don’t need to see your sagging tits.

roses are red, birds fly south, you nauseate me so, i just puked in my mouth.

roses are red, fruits drinks are blended, i could do this forever, but i think i must end it…

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6
Aug 09

The Land of Chocolate

so i took the rugrats to hershey park 2 weekends ago (yeah yeah, i’m a little behind in my blogging) with my pal, her lovely daughter & my mom. i had never been there and really had no idea what to expect. my girls had been there last summer, so they were totally jacked. i could only imagine how the concept of a park called “hershey,” that is not only dedicated to the very life-giving substance, chocolate, but to all candy in general, must be nirvana to a kid. that is like taking me to a vodka museum where you get to do free shots at each exhibit.

we decided that the best kickoff for the weekend was to leave during friday rush hour and sit in traffic for a few hours in the monsoon that hit nj. but we got there eventually, had a late dinner served by a very strange waiter & rested up for the next day’s fun filled extravaganza, that only a day at an amusement park can provide.

doesn’t every morning at a huge amusement park start the same way? everyone is so full of excitement and bursting with energy. every group member must have a personal park map which no one can actually fully figure out anyway. you all point out every ride you’re gonna go on, which is all of them, and set a course of action. immediately after getting past the throngs in the entrance area & are birthed into the vastness of the park, you are already confused & holding the map upside down while contorting your head to figure out where you actually are in real life. so, you just say fuck it, let’s go with the flow and get on the first ride the group wants to do, but as the day wears on, you eliminate a bunch of the rides on your list if the kids don’t remember ‘em. however, this only occurs after wrestling them past the endless sea of “gift shops” by the “village”( i.e merchandising area) at the entrance by making all sorts of promises to buy useless crap at the end of the day so you don’t have to carry it around for 16 hours. and really, you just hope they forget about it so you can try to save a few bucks. they never do. to a kid, you are an endless supply of stuff & cash. to some extent you want to do that for them, but you get pissed off at the $7 you were forced to spend on gatorade & a soft pretzel because your little angel is hungry 5 minutes after you got there. the outrageous, unapologetic gouging at “family venues” is so obnoxious. like paying for parking. i would prefer for them just say, hey, “welcome to our park. we will be ripping you off at every opportunity we have today & there is not a damn thing you can do about it.”

while my pal has 1 daughter who is 8 in tow, i have mom, my 2 girls, 5 & 8, and a stroller to wrangle. which means not only a lot of coordination, but also pushing the 36 pounds of 5 yr old AND all the crap hanging off the back of the stroller uphill. apparently, mr. hershey thought it would be a great idea to build a park in the mountains. and it’s a full day of rides, plus a water park, which means extra provisions (read: weight) are necessary: changes of clothes, bathing suits, giant beach towels, snacks (free ones that are totally distasteful to my kids), waters, lotions, goggles, & flood gear. it was quite heavy. that is why i felt bad about nothing highly caloric that i ate that day because i was working it off during my duty as a pack mule. this is one of the few areas in which the ETB was handy – as the family schlepper (yiddishdictionaryonline.com) but i would rather carry my shit to hades and back than ever be forced to vacation with that looney-toons again. but, i do digress.

what is the one thing that always tries to ruin your fun at the amusement park though? the lines. the lines are the suck but you have no choice if you’re a regular schlub (yiddish.com) that has to go on a weekend with the rest of the vacationing populace. waiting endlessly in 95 degree heat and 127% humidity to move 2 millimeters an hour is just not fun for anyone. i people watch to pass the time. it can provide hours of entertainment at any place where the public converges, especially an area set in the middle of the appalachians, america’s third world country. now, it does grant endless material, but be warned that you will see may things you may wish could be unseen and they never can. especially in the water park section where people are barely dressed. many of whom you wish would put on more clothes or larger swimwear. multiple piercings in places in which you can’t begin to imagine the mechanics involved to even get pierced. stab and bullet wounds. scars of all shapes & sizes. endless tattoos. mounds of blubber. progeny of only what could be first cousins. all colors of hair. crazy ass outfits and the biggest, deepest camel toe i ever saw. shiver.

another thing i did on line, which i am not necessarily proud of, but will blog about anyway, was to totally let not 1 but FOUR sbd’s (silent but deadlies) out on an indoor ride line & it was so repulsive in this hot confined area even i couldn’t stand it. peeps were close to fainting around me. seriously though, i knew i got stone cold busted when i heard the chick next to me in the parallel line say to her friend, “i smelled it too, & i know who did it.” and she pointed at me. i tried to look innocent but i was identified. so, people behind me on the great american chocolate tour ride, let me take this opportunity to officially apologize, but all that free chocolate they were handing out, did a number on my colon.

tmi, you cry? NEVER.

technically i wasn’t really tall enough to ride some of the rides unattended by a responsible adult so i stuck to the kiddie rides. leave it to a park in pennsylvania to have a ride called “the convoy” in which tots ride in a “tractor” against a mural of cows and pretend they are corralling the cattle. one cool thing that happened was while i was waiting on line with my 5 yr old to go on the ladybug ride, i felt something tickley on my hand. i looked down & immediately regretted brushing it off because it saw that it was firefly. a single firefly out in the middle of the day in the midst of zillions of people landed on my hand. and if you read my firefly post, you will know why this struck me as happy & sad at the same time (http://singlewithvodka.blogspot.com/2009/06/firefly-firefly-fly-away-home.html).

a cool thing about modern day amusement park visits, is that we all have cell phones now. so we could easily be in contact if we split up. this was the best thing ever. remember how much it sucked to have to guesstimate when you would be done with something & pick a meet-up place? i cant imagine how we ever went to these enormous sites without cell phones & texting ability. this came in handy when we were starving and met up for lunch. lunch is always an expensive ordeal where you also have to wait on a line. except on this line you get to spend $57 on cold chicken nuggets & greasy pizza while the rest of your posse fights for the next empty table. but you are always refreshed after lunch & ready to take on the rest of the park which we did until darkness began to fall. then when you are most exhausted and your feet are screaming in pain, you must try to escape…

to make a break for it you have to navigate the “twilight” crowds that have now descended, walk 12 miles back to the entrance if you can find it, which means you have to venture through the merchandising pit of despair once again, & then miss the parking lot tram so you can walk another 6 miles to your car if you are lucky enough to remember where you parked. its not until you sit down in the car & the kids pass out immediately that you realize how tired you are and that there is no way you can do this again tomorrow.

all is all we had a great time: all of the girls enjoyed it, my mom had fun, and i spent a ridiculous amount of money even though i refused to buy the candy they were claiming was “on sale.” ya, right – 3 bags for 19 bucks. come on, people, i know you are aware you can go buy this in your local supermarket for much less, but the hordes were buying the chocolate like they would never see it again anyway. just plain silly to me. needless to say, it will be awhile before i indulge in the land of chocolate again, so this past weekend i decided to hit AC without the kids which was exponentially more fun, but that is my next post…

my mom ready for the 3d movie in chocolate world. is she not the cutest mom ever?
she would be way pissed of she knew i “violated her privacy” by posting her pic on the “web” but she doesn’t read my blog anyway. which is just as well…

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