i asked verizon if they have an “unlimited bitching plan.” they do, but it gets routed through india, and i only bitch domestically because, even though it’s cheaper, i can’t stand the offshore delay.
is it wrong to nap during a playdate – at your house?
i immediately dislike men who give women the fish handshake. don’t be an asshole & break my hand, but give me a real handshake & show me some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, dammit.
i have found a cure for the common cold: take 2 vodkas & sleep late in the morning.
what is it about the sound of children snoring that is so delightful? oh yah, it means they are finally sleeping.
how many times is it acceptable to wear a bra before washing it? do they really get dirty?
90% of the time i don’t wear undies to work because when i bend down they stick out of these damn low waist-ed jeans. now, i show so much crack, i am in danger of being transferred to the plumbing department.
i’m not bitter – just sweet n’ sour.
i haven’t gained weight - i’m bloated.
a quick perusal of my dvr menu will reveal that i watch far more cartoons than shows with real people.
there is a saying: your toad, is a prince to another. so, maybe if you leave him in a pond in the middle of a forest, some stupid princess will take him home with her and then you can ride off into the sunset…alone.
ladies, please wax. don’t bleach. it’s still a mustache even if it’s blond.
i am instituting a tampon exchange program called Code Red. here is how it works: any woman can walk up to any other woman anywhere and just say “Code Red” which is universal for “i need a tampon, stat!” it’s like the take a penny, leave a penny dish but it’s need a tampon, give a tampon. imagine the implications for facilitating peace and clean pants globally.
i am tired of hearing people from other countries & states proclaim that everything where they are from is better. really? is it? because here’s a newsflash: we didn’t invite you. see if they will take you & the rest of the assholes back.
my children make unreasonable demands and threats and throw fits when they don’t get what they want, but i told them i don’t negotiate with terrorists.
i know a man who wears a bad toupee with a baseball cap over it every day. i just can not wrap my head around it. is the toupee receding? doesn’t his head sweat doubly? that is a vanity rivaled only by anal bleaching, imo.
cats: the chosen pet of co-dependents – you love them because they hate you.
i am considering having only one eyebrow tattooed raised because i just can’t master the muscle control to do that on my own.
i think a manic episode here and there can be very productive.
a friend remarked that when people say they have to quit drinking for awhile, she finds it worrisome. i told her that’s i why i have never said i would quit.
people frequently tell me i look like patricia heaton. i am never sure if it’s a compliment or an insult.
an oft overlooked bennie of divorce is the fact that you no longer have to pretend to like your in-laws.
jesus turned water into wine but i can turn a bad husband or a crying child into a vodka tonic.
once i stayed over my mother’s house and came down with a severe case of the runs and had no choice but to violate federal law and use chlorox cleanups in a manner inconsistent with their labeling…
parenting is not a democracy, it’s a monarchy; and i am the queen.
when people of color come into the store, i give them extremely exceptional customer service – it’s a weird reverse racism, but i want them to walk away thinking, “white people aren’t so bad, after all.”
so far the divorce is the the biggest fight we have ever had during the marriage..
all of the experiences in my life have led me to be the person i am today: a huge bitch.
if wine is the nectar of the gods, then vodka is the juice of the mortals.
quitting the gym has actually unexpectedly relieved me of a lot of guilt: the guilt of not going was far worse than the guilt of not working out at all.
the average marriage lasts 7 yrs. the average jail term is 5; but, you can get out of jail early for good behavior.
when people say i am a bitch, i am flattered. it means i am doing a great job of pissing off the right people.
youth may be wasted on the young , but middle age ain’t no prize. and since i just saw a man wearing a “senior olympics” t-shirt, i am now even more terrified of old age, although it does involve some sweet discounts.
i hate hitting bottom – the bottom of the bottle.
so, i considered having my teeth professionally bleached until the hygienist told me i would have to avoid coffee & red wine afterward. well, that was a very short consultation.
having kids means never you will never have to be alone again- in the bathroom.
hey! the 1980′s called and kit wants his car alarm back. the rest of us couldn’t give a rat’s ass if its beeping.
i did that no carb diet – until lunch. now, i just follow this food pyramid:
so my daughter wanted to know what the “c-word” is. i considered telling her that it’s her father’s pet name for me since the divorce.
dr. gggb says: one nostril continually running is far more annoying than both being stuffed up.
having a litter box in your home is like having a toilet you never flush.
it has been said that if we all sat around in a circle and put our bullshit in the middle, everyone would keep their own crap. this may be true, but i would still like the opportunity for a bullshit swap meet.
grape juice is really just wine with training wheels.
substitutes i have used for milk in my morning coffee when the milk in my fridge has curdled: vanilla yogurt, powdered milk, yo baby yogurt drink, hot chocolate mix, powdered milk from 1974, whip cream, mini marshmallows, cool whip, vanilla ice cream, sour cream with sugar, powdered sugar, carnation instant breakfast, and anything powdery or white that when mixed with water resembles milk. it would behoove me to learn to drink it black – i hear you never go back after that anyway…
i never realized the true depths of my need for validation & approval until i started a fb fan page. 100th fan gets a pony…
make mine extra dirty, please.
like a beautiful diamond or a mental patient with multiple personalities…anyway, now i feel the pressure to entertain you with an inane topic. lately, i have been thinking a lot about dreams. so, here’s a cool idea: i will tell you about the crazy dreams i have and later we can analyze them for fun. there are a few major recurring dreams i have had for years that, among other things, obviously reveal major control issues i have (which i know comes as a huge shock to you):
