Posts Tagged: dog

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
9
Jan 11

season of the bitch

of all the sounds of a bright, new morning, the one i like best is the sound of the school bus pulling away.

if i was ever eaten by cannibals, i bet they would find i have been thoroughly marinated in a delightfully aged vodka sauce with a hint of pinot noir.

a good friend is always there when you need her, but a best friend will wax your ass crack no questions asked.

my friends tell me i give them great advice. too bad i don’t actually follow any of it.

well, it finally happened: i have pussy fatigue – i have grown tired of having the cat.

i’m working on a screenplay: the season of the bitch.

so, after 5 months – all the passion is gone: the cat ignores me 90% of the time while i feed him & clean up after him. i have to say it’s not much different than most of the relationships i’ve had, but it has lasted longer.

it’s great that we finally have the HPV vaccination for women – now we  just need one to prevent the dating of assholes.

hey don’t forget: bitches need love too.

has a 7 year old ever told an interesting story?

you know what the best thing about a break-up is? The Revenge Diet followed by the Look What You Gave Up  & Will Never Have Again Makeover.

recently, i met with a financial adviser: we decided on an investment strategy of 30% growth, 20% risk, and 50% vodka.

the cat’s marbles are becoming impossible to ignore and his nails are way too long – it’s time for a snip ‘n clip!

i can’t stand those crazy animal people in the vet’s waiting room trying to be friendly. i am completely happy to be the snotty chick with the ONE cat who is not interested in your inane pet small talk about your disturbing relationship with your multiple animals and is certainly not amused by your shetland pony of a dog sniffing my crotch even when he is wearing a delightful bandana around his neck from his visit to the groomer yesterday.

i keep calling my kids by the wrong name, so i decided to just give them one of those cute celebrity combo names. is 2painsinmyass taken?

i decided to stop drinking at home – i’m strictly going out to do it.

i have been suffering from terrible work insomnia lately – i just have not been able to fall asleep at my desk no matter how tired i am.

i find playing Solitaire oddly comforting, it’s a game, but i’m organizing…

you can put your finger up my ass and your dick in my mouth, but do not put your toothbrush in my bathroom or your razor in my shower.

as a good friend pointed out, you can have a man with a big dick and a tiny brain or a tiny dick and a big brain. sigh, it is true that you just can’t have it all in one guy.

i am going to host a Dysfunctional Dinner Party: it will be pot luck, but instead of bringing your own dish, you bring you own disturbed relative. then we sit back and wait for the dinner theatre to commence.

or maybe a Dysfunctional Family Scavenger Hunt: 20 points for a an never married drunken aunt over 40, 30 points for an inappropriately touchy uncle, 40 points for getting two bitterly divorced parents in the same room, 50 points for a third cousin who has done jail time and is out on bail, 60 points for a kissing cousin, 70 points if it’s your first cousin, 80 points for your brother in law’s mistress or sister in law’s underage lover, 90 points for your brother’s baby mama, and 100 for any relative that has been to rehab more than once. first prize is a gift card to your favorite therapist.

i am sooo tired of being pegged as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. while it may be true, i feel like it really belittles my bitchy side.

what do grilling & cunnilingus have in common? most men grossly overestimate their skills at both and rarely achieve either to a woman’s satisfaction.

ladies, do not confuse “complexity” with “stupidity.”

i am so fucking sick of re-post demands on facebook. you can’t make me!

even when i don’t drink the night before, i wake up with a headache in the morning. my hang-overs must be set to cruise control.

my daughter doesn’t think i am a “cool” mom. i told her i didn’t care. i lied.

the more ways technology provides for me to keep in touch with people, the more ways i have to blow them off.

beer without alcohol? coffee without caffeine? that’s like sex without orgasms and air without oxygen: pointless.

oops i did it again: i faked the orgasms.

the aroma of freshly baked brownies is how balls should smell.

my last relationship didn’t make it through a complete case of the soda he was keeping in my fridge. i should have listened to my gut when i had that feeling that buying more than a 6 pack was thinking too long term.

i wish there was a way to meet the penis before the man and then assess if he’s even dating material – a reverse dating service where you sleep with him first and then see if you want to actually go out on a date after.

why do men think that they can fuck around behind our backs and we won’t know there aren’t other vaginas in play?

my policy on getting back together with an ex is similar to that of a retailer: no credits or returns after 14 days but i will gladly make an exchange for an item of greater value.

i have a hard outside with a soft, gooey center; but like a tootise roll pop, you never know how many licks it will take to get there.

i am sure i have said this already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could de-friend people in real life like you can on facebook?

i have been living clean now – it’s a struggle but i take it one day at a time – i am proud to say i have flossed for 2 days in a row. i want a medallion.

i am instituting a new dating policy after this last break-up: it’s called Pay 2 Play. i realized no one’s gonna buy the bottle, if they are gettin’ the vodka for free.

i know this is hard to believe, but i think i’m finally done with the drinking and sleeping around phase of my divorce recovery – the Suemusement Park is O-fficially closed and will re-open only for select season’s pass holders.

be a facebook fan! please…

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one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 6 Comments
4
Jan 11

WWSWVD?

i don’t care how you package up monopoly: classic, simpons, disney, junior, or mall edition. it’s all the fucking same: B O R I N G.

i am so over younger men – i am too old to date a guy who still lives with his parents, borrows his dad’s car to see me, & has to save up his allowance to take me to applebee’s.

oh santa, i was soooo bad this year but it was sooooo good. i don’t plan on making your good list next year either.

hormonal or just bitchy? potato. po-TAH-to.

how about for this year, we all just resolve to throw the year’s worth of gym fees out the window, move on, and avoid the guilt of quitting by february?

Q: what is worse than being snowed in with your kids? A: being snowed in with your in-laws.

my girls and i went to my friend’s house for christmas day as the token jews. everyone got along so nicely. no one drank too much or insulted anybody. the food was cooked all the way through and was all delicious. it was such a normal family gathering – hardly any evidence of dysfunction at all – i have never felt so out of place in my life.

drinking really can be hazardous to your health – i sliced my finger open twice removing the the foil from the wine bottle.

helpful holiday tip #27: when you re-gift something shiny, make sure you polish the fingerprints off of it first.

the second biggest holiday of the year is Slutmas. that is the day after x-mas when all of the relatives have gone home and the wives and girlfriends thank their men properly for the expensive, shiny shit they just gave them. it’s also, known as Bonermas in some circles. not to be confused with Blow Job’s Eve which is traditionally the night before she anticipates getting that big gift.

Merry Slutmas, bitches! Santa Balls You is cummin to town!

i can not get behind the whole freaking out at the forecast of snow and running to the supermarket with the rest of the lemmings to “stock up” on milk & bread. unless you have infants at home, what will happen if your family runs out of these staples for 2 days at the most? it’s not fucking little house on the prairie where pa & the last good horse have to leave the family in the cabin for 7 days to brave the wild frozen tundra to get mary’s scarlet fever elixir from town (and i never understood why they lived so far from town in the first place). the closest you will ever come to being a pioneer is having to walk your yappy little dog whom you have most likely dressed in a doggie sweater and booties in 15 degree weather in snow up to your knees, maybe. now if you tell me you must go out to get vodka, cigarettes, wine, & astroglide, that i can understand.

my pussy always wants to play – that’s how kittens are.

i pay a lot of attention to my pussy – otherwise he gets bored and claws the furniture.

when my gf’s ask for advice, i just say WWSVWD? What Would SWV Do? i think i’m going to have that put on those rubber bracelets.

i am not going to make a list of resolutions this year so much as a to-do list i am going to shove in a drawer and ignore.

one of the things about motherhood that is so exhausting is the constant sharing of everything – now it’s my cell phone, my food, my drinks, my computer, my bed. eventually it will be my clothes, my shoes, my makeup, my car, my tampons. unless they start anteing up some good stuff in return, i am so done with it.

being snowed in so close to new year’s inspired me to reflect on my regrets of the past year: had i only let my landscaper plow me, he would have plowed my driveway too.

how do you know for sure chivalry is dead? when you dig out of  36 inches of snow by yourself for 3 hours (though a small price to pay for my freedom).

my forearm was killing me from the repetitive motion of shoveling but i just had to keep going until i was done. this must be how 13 year old boys feel when they first discover masturbation.

i am sore all over and not in the good way.

snow is the only time you will get something that goes very deep, is over 6 inches, and is white.

there is nothing like a new pair of shoes and a good orgasm to cure what ails you.

when i find random screws around the house i always wonder where they came from and if something is about to fall apart.

i handled my last relationship as badly as marcia clark handled the OJ trial but i didn’t get a makeover and a tv show after it was over.

every time i try to quit drinking they keep pulling me back in.

the chinese calendar says 2011 is the  year of the rabbit. on the swv calendar, it’s The Year Of the Boot.

if the school requires my kid to be in a choral recital to graduate, do i have to go?  and if so, shouldn’t they have a drink cart? think of the money the PTA would raise…

my gf told me she reads my blog while on the crapper. i was so flattered!

i’m sooo over the cat now that i’m out of pussy jokes.

a friend suggested i train to the cat to make me drinks in exchange for cleaning up after him which isn’t all that different from any of my previous relationships.

why do i like cats? i have a lot in common with them: i hate to be picked up, i only want attention when i ask for it,  and if i don’t like you i will just ignore you & hide until you go away.

why don’t i like dogs? they are too needy, stupid, & messy. much like most of the men i have known…

like swv on facebook too!

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Uncategorized — 4 Comments
3
Nov 09

roses are red…

dead_roses

as soon as the papers were filed, The Head Mental Patient started assaulting, daily, my poor inbox with nasty, mean-spirited hate mail. i have enough to publish a book which i plan to name, “How to Divorce a Crazy Man,” or something along those lines. my response to his vengeful emails was normally to ignore them, because he is a manchild & really just wants my attention, and, they are, after all, the rantings of a madman. over the months, the emails would ebb & flo: eventually subsiding from my lack of attention and then returning when he went on a new anger bender from the lack of control he had over me. once in awhile i would respond with logic in an attempt to make his head explode. lately, i usually respond with, “sounds good. have a smurfy day, ” or “ok, hugs and kisses, sweetcheeks,” all of which make him foam at the mouth & me giggle.

of course, i forward all of these emails to my bfbff (swv lingo for boyfriendbestfriendforever), and after we catch our breath from laughing hysterically, we think of all the sarcastic, annoying, silly responses we can. last night was one such night, where inspired by a new resurgence of asshat rage, i waxed poetic. i would like to share my poems with you since not only are they amusing and are going to be a new line of svw greeting cards, but they make great filler until i finish all of my 1/2 done posts on other topics.

the svw line of happy divorce (tm) greeting cards:

roses are red, violets are blue, we no longer fuck, but i am still screwing you.

roses are red, you never had a clue, you were a really sucky husband, i’m glad i’m no longer married to you.

rose are red, you smell like dog poo, i hated every disgusting minute, i had to fuck you.

rose are red, you must be very blue, i’m taking 1/2 half the cash, sucks for you.

roses are red, giraffe’s necks are long, you have a miniscule penis, and i knew all along.

roses are red, my lingirie is new, my boyfriend fucks me awesome, hope you’re gettin’ some too.

roses are red, these sweet shoes are brand new, you made tons of cash, and i thank you.

roses are red, wine has a cork, you were an awful husband, and a giant fucking dork.

roses are red, your brains are full of goo, it was a horrible 16 years, happy un-anniversary to you.

roses are red, some carnations are blue, i always hated your mother, and your dad’s an asshole too.

roses are red, life isn’t fair, you are a hairy troll, here’s a gallon of nair.

roses are red, cows like to moo, you think you’re a ka-ra-tay master, but you can’t throw a shoe.

roses are red, this was the best decision, keeps the checks coming, or you will be imprisoned.

roses are red, copper is shiney, i want all the world to know, your cock is quite tiny.

rose are red, my boyfriend is young, your wiener is small, but he is well hung.

roses are red, violets are blue, you are a worthless human being, good riddance to you.

i’m taking orders for the holidays. personalization is free.

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