in honor of mother’s day, i have written some very special nursery rhymes for all the mommies out there. happy day, you wonderful, incredible, strong, superwomen.

old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to see that it was quite dry
she opened the door to see vodka no more and loudly did she cry.

there was a new mommy who was very blue.
she was so fucking tired, she didn’t know what to do.
so she poured herself a double
and took something for her head,
whipped her husband soundly
and then went to bed.

all around mommy’s big tush
the children fought each other.
the children thought t’was all in good fun ‘til,
FREAK! went the mommy.

a vodka a day
keeps the mommy okay.
kahlua in the morning
mommy’s pouring.
gin at night,
mommy’s all right.
bottle of wine before bed,
mommy really prefers red.
ten a day, hundreds each month, empty bottles, liquid lunch.

hey, hey bar keep,
have you any gin?
yes ma’am, yes ma’am
just came in.
one for the mother,
one for the wife,
and one for the kid
who took over your life.

diddle diddle dumpling
one shoe is gone.
went to bed
with my clothes on.
diddle diddle dumpling
i’m a mom.

eeny meeny miney moe.
catch a toddler on the go.
if he bites you,
you best let go.
eeny meeny miney moe.

the itsy bitsy rugrat
got hold of a black marker.
off came the cap
and all the walls were darker.
out came the mom
from in the crapper all alone.
swearing never again will freely that kid roam.

mommy, mommy chocolate eater.
had a diet that couldn’t keep her.
stuffed her mouth full of jelly beans.
fuck! now she needs all new jeans.

pussy cat, pussy cat
where have you hid?
in the bushes, away from that kid.
pussy cat, pussy cat, why did you go?
i crapped in his bed since i hate him so.

wives of a feather flock together.
especially if there’s wine.
gin or vodka, it’s their choice.
as long as i get mine.

the mommy in the hell.
the mommy in the hell.
hi-ho she’s always drunk.
the mommy in the hell.

ring around the soccer mom.
the PTA mom is faster.
fuck you, fuck you.
you’re all over-achievers!

super stressed mama sat in a corner
drinking her vodka & rye.
she chugged the first one and felt quite numb.
and then quietly did she cry.

little miss muff
sat on her duff
eating her kid’s table scraps.
along came a husband who said all day she did nothin’.
now she is doing 25 to life.

little bo peep hid from her sheep
and then she didn’t mind them.
she left them alone and had shots of petrone
animal control would find them.

jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch their lazy father.
they both fell down & broke their crowns
because their father is a moron.

jack sprat ate no fat.
his wife ate no lean.
because he never fucking came home for dinner.

mom be nimble.
mom be quick.
mom catch the kid
about to be sick.
mom run fast.
don’t be slow.
otherwise on the carpet it will go.

fe fi fo fum!
i smell the lies of a bad husband.
i know he’s been in a another’s bed.
i am going to beat him upon his head.

young mother cole was a very lonely soul.
and a lonely pretty wife was she.
she called for her handy man.
she called for her plumber.
and then she called for her painters three.

hey diddle diddle
the kid in the middle
is usually kind of off.
the little one laughed
when the oldest took note
that mommy ran away with a cop.

hickory dickory dock.
somewhere it’s 5 o’clock.
so mommy poured one
and down it went.
hickory dickory dock.

hush little baby,
don’t say a word.
mama’s gonna change your turd.
if that turd really stinks,
then mama’s gonna need a drink.
if that drink don’t do the trick,
then mama’s gonna get really sick.
if mama gets sick and makes a fuss,
the neighbors just may call dyfus.
if dyfus comes to take the kids,
daddy is gonna flip his lid.

humpty dumpty sat on a bar stool.
humpty dumpty drank ‘til he drooled.
all the queen’s horses & all the queen’s men,
wouldn’t let humpty come home ever again.

hush a buy mommy,
in the strip mall.
when the stores open,
visa will call.
before school ends
mommy must leave.
then much will cry mommy, shoesies, & all.

mommy’s pants are falling down.
falling down.
falling down.
mommy’s pants are falling down.
her muffin top is showing.

i’ve been doing all the housework
all the live long day.

i’ve been doing all the housework
just to scrub this dirt away.

cant you hear the bathroom calling?
it’s the next place i must clean.

don’t you hear the husband shouting?
“i need some underwear!”

bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do the laundry?

bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do
bitch, won’t you do the laundry?

no one’s in the kitchen with mommy.
no one’s in the kitchen, i know.
no one’s in the kitchen with mommy
not helping so she can’t go.
me, my, me my oh-h-h
me, my, me my oh-h-h
me, my, me my oh-h-h
not helping so she can’t go.

now check out this e-card i wrote for real:

http://sendables.jibjab.com/category/mothers_day
i wrote the card that says “today is your day.” now, send it to yo mama!

so, The Asshat has had this righteous bumper sticker, actually bumper magnet,  for ages now on his hideous yellow ride that says “put the CIVIL back into CIVILization.” it’s so sickeningly obnoxious, that at the beginning of the divorce, it mysteriously disappeared (weird, huh?). but he has an inexhaustible supply because it was the creation of his righteous father. you see, it always follows that the biggest hypocrites, i.e. Asshat & Co., have the most to say to the rest of us about how we should live our lives. they are of course, perfect and on the side of justice & bald eagles. there is no one less civil than this gnome family, but they all preach it from their self appointed soapboxes day in and out. his dear old dad came up with 5 of these sayings, had them printed up (that righteous moron spent like a grand on these things) and had wet dreams about marketing them to schools, religious organizations, vfw’s, and homeless people to bring about a mass change in our social consciousness. i wish i could remember all of them – but, 2 others were, “remember please and thank you” and “share some of what you have.” apparently these did not apply to stonerholio’s yellow bumper lifestyle. shocker.  anyway, dorkosaurus father in law, actually approached me several years ago about selling them on ebay i was like, shah, as if.  i’m sure it will be  a huge seller: cue eyeball roll & snicker. in fact the very concept of a bumper sticker is righteous. these people think that by applying a sticky thing on the back of their car, they  will change the planet by changing minds from the mere viewing of this sticker. people will suddenly stop what they are doing, change their votes, stop eating meat, have that unwanted child, slow down because there is a baby on board, find religion, get a cocker spaniel, give a shit that someone’s kid is on the honor roll  at that overpriced private Nerdly Academy they send their spawn to, or what obnoxious college said spawn attends; and in placing that sticker, the sum total of their social obligation is satisfied. it’s so pompous.

so, the other night, after viewing the backside of that asinine glowing vehicle during The Daughter Exchange, inspiration struck me: a line of swv bumper stickers. perhaps a companion product to the swv e-cards. as the antithesis to the groundbreaking Asshat & Co. Civility Movement (read: bunch o’ righteous pussies) and inspired by its very creators, i present to you, drumroll please….

the SWV bumper magnets:

you really put the ASS in ASShat

maybe jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you’re a dick

righteous people suck

your dad could have changed the world, had he only worn a condom

caution: asshat crossing

sucks to be my ex

someone should have told your mother about Plan B

you put the CREEP in McCREEPY

i found The Missing Link, then i divorced him

alimony is my pal

alimony: may your years be many & prosperous

i take paypal

i’m the bitch he has to payback

ask your kids what they really think of you

ever wonder why your wife buys batteries in bulk?

yes, she is faking

you’re not paranoid, everybody does hate you

the shire called, the hobbits said don’t come back.

Assholio: I know one

i had doubts

i wish i listened when my father told me i didn’t have to go through with it

honk if you married too young

i never liked your mother

i married a Mental Patient & escaped

500 million sperm and you were the best he had?

if you can read this, i got the car

yes, she is cheating on you

good mother by night, bad wife by day

my boyfriend says thanks for the new boobs

you put the douche in massengill

divorce pays!

marry for love, but divorce for money

need a raise? divorce a rich asshole

another hat-free day

TGIF: thank god i’m free

he fought the law & I WON

i am already working on fortune cookie inserts:

“your lack of personality is surpassed only by your lack of sexual ability”

“your wife’s lucky number is  1/2″

“the chinese word of the day is cock “

isn’t this what that saying about turning his nuts into peanut butter meant, or was it lemons into lemonade? – i can never remember.

the sunshine mobile of civility