Posts Tagged: email

rants — 1 Comment
8
Apr 10

spring cleaning

i don’t know what it is about being on the verge of a season change that inspires me to clean. just as winter is begrudgingly winding down and giving way to the coming of warmer climes, i have the strongest urge to bust out the pink rubber gloves. so, of course, it follows that i have a Spring Cleaning Procedure that includes, but is not limited to, major household restoration, closet purging, clothes swapping, cobweb scouring, family haircutting, colon cleansing, officially changing the sheets from flannel to cotton, and intense personal grooming. i do all this by employing a completely anal retentive organizational strategy that verges on pathological which covers every nook and cranny of my life – hell i even cleared out the voice mail box on my cell and y’all know how much i hate to do that.

after scrubbing my house all sparkly clean from top to bottom with earth un-friendly cleaning products, and purging the house of enough stuff to fill 17 contractor size trash bags which will sit in landfills for the next millennium, it is time for the official Changing Of The Closets (if you are lucky enough to have several closets all to yourself. in my case it is the Changing Of The Giant Tupperware Containers. or for those of you that watch late night infomercials, The Changing Of The Space Bags. none of this to be confused with The Changing Of The Guard).  and it absolutely never fails that every year i suffer from premature closetation. this is a yearly condition in which i become convinced that the unseasonably warm weather (98 degrees for 3 days in march) is here to stay and i eject the winter clothes from my closet, put all the coats into long term storage and take out the flip flops in time for the last record breaking noreaster of the season (i guess i am just a hopelessly thermometer half full person). after i dump every single last item out of my closet and clean the shelves, i force myself to survey the damage i have done to my summer body by hibernating and drinking vodka (just to keep warm) for 4 months. yes, it’s time to face The Winter Blubber for The Trying On Of The Summer Clothes. i look at all those cute little dresses and capris tucked neatly away in the dusty containers and can’t imagine those tiny things fit a mere 12 months ago. there is also the category of clothes called “I Can’t Believe I Wore That Last Year” in which i gasp in horror at some seriously hideous pieces of clothing that i thought were So Cool At The Time. soon, disgust ensues, and i just start getting rid of everything without prejudice. this, of course, has the hidden benefit of making more room in my closet for new stuff which means it’s time to go spring shopping (because lord knows i am completely seasonally unprepared since i really can’t deal with the summer clothes when they show up in nordstrom in the dead of winter). but worst of all is the knowledge that my Sworn Nemesis, Bikini Season, is not far behind, and, i, nor any other self respecting woman who has not honored her personal commitment to start working out in january to avoid the terror of this very situation, is not even looking at those swim suits until forced. we will just order new ones and shove the other ones under the bed til next year (yeah, i said order -i am not facing that fear of actually trying them on at the store. puh-leeze). The Official Wardrobe Change also encompasses two of my all time favorite wardrobing activities- the Switching of the Shoes and Cute Little Jackets Round Up.

like a squirrel hoarding nuts, i store up fabulous warm weather shoes all winter – and there is nothing like a fresh pedi to show ‘em all off. now, i personally get pedified all year round, but you know spring has truly arrived here when you show up to your favorite foot palace one day where there is nary a wait all winter and every pedi chair in the joint has a fat ass in it already in the process of obtaining perfectly manicured hooves. i can barely wait my turn because i am salivating to get back home and shed the protective footwear boxes to unsheath those new killer sandals, wedges, flip flops, & “going out shoes.” nothing makes a girl feel sexier than perfectly painted piggies and a pair of brand new open toed f-me pumps (are we not all suckers for a guy who tells us how gotdang fabulous our shoes are?). next are my Cute Little Jackets – they come out to play for a very small window of time: that nanosecond when it’s cool enough to need a light jacket but too warm for a real coat. i buy these darlings obsessively all fall & winter imagining all the adorable get-ups i will be seen in come spring and then only actually wear 10 per cent of them if i am lucky before the weather gets too warm (i am also lucky if i can even button them after the winter. because i bought them months earlier while saying, “it will def fit by spring since i will have lost this last 5 lbs by then.” okay, fine…10).  and those of us with children get to do all of this closetation for our kids too, but it is not nearly as fun as we learn that all those clothes we saved for Next Summer now fit nobody because the tots, unlike the grass, grew like crazy all winter. then we have to go out and spend a ton of money on new clothes for them anyway. totally not as cool as spending money on new spring shoes and purses – but hey, it’s still shopping. and shopping is always good.

and i clean up not only my home this time of year, but the loose ends in my life too – case in point: emancipating the bf. what seemed like a great comfort during the lazy hibernation of winter, suddenly seemed suffocating on the cusp of spring. it was time to shed that heavy winter coat and trade it in for the feeling of freedom that only the warm weather can bring (and truth finally be told, i just couldn’t be bothered to fake one more orgasm. it was becoming entirely too exhausting). it sure ain’t easy to clean out the cobwebs of your life, but it has to be done every so often. i once had a friend who called it “weeding her garden” (which i thought was a great analogy until i became one of those so called weeds). i too used to cull my address book (back when we had such things during the flinstonian era of my youth before pen & paper gave way to email & blackberries) and remove the entries of people to whom i no longer spoke. now i go through my cell phone, email, and facebook page to update (nice way of saying delete) my contacts- those people formerly known as friends (used to be you just stopped speaking to someone when you broke up and then screened their calls; now you “defriend” them on facebook). and i do it not to make a statement to the person. it’s just part of my spring cleaning. because along with the peace i find by cleaning off the months of dirt and grime from my floors and purging unused physical possessions from the junk drawers, i also find well being by permitting myself to let go of relationships that i no longer need to hold on to.

so, yes, i feel deliciously accomplished: my house & my psyche (and my colon) are totally clean and ready for spring and it’s myriad of possibilities.

got my shoes already picked out…

hey! if you enjoy the blog, become a fan of swv on facebook!

plus would it kill you to comment once in awhile?

BackflipBlinklistCiteULikeBlogMarksDiggFavesGoogle BookmarksShare
Uncategorized — 4 Comments
3
Nov 09

roses are red…

dead_roses

as soon as the papers were filed, The Head Mental Patient started assaulting, daily, my poor inbox with nasty, mean-spirited hate mail. i have enough to publish a book which i plan to name, “How to Divorce a Crazy Man,” or something along those lines. my response to his vengeful emails was normally to ignore them, because he is a manchild & really just wants my attention, and, they are, after all, the rantings of a madman. over the months, the emails would ebb & flo: eventually subsiding from my lack of attention and then returning when he went on a new anger bender from the lack of control he had over me. once in awhile i would respond with logic in an attempt to make his head explode. lately, i usually respond with, “sounds good. have a smurfy day, ” or “ok, hugs and kisses, sweetcheeks,” all of which make him foam at the mouth & me giggle.

of course, i forward all of these emails to my bfbff (swv lingo for boyfriendbestfriendforever), and after we catch our breath from laughing hysterically, we think of all the sarcastic, annoying, silly responses we can. last night was one such night, where inspired by a new resurgence of asshat rage, i waxed poetic. i would like to share my poems with you since not only are they amusing and are going to be a new line of svw greeting cards, but they make great filler until i finish all of my 1/2 done posts on other topics.

the svw line of happy divorce (tm) greeting cards:

roses are red, violets are blue, we no longer fuck, but i am still screwing you.

roses are red, you never had a clue, you were a really sucky husband, i’m glad i’m no longer married to you.

rose are red, you smell like dog poo, i hated every disgusting minute, i had to fuck you.

rose are red, you must be very blue, i’m taking 1/2 half the cash, sucks for you.

roses are red, giraffe’s necks are long, you have a miniscule penis, and i knew all along.

roses are red, my lingirie is new, my boyfriend fucks me awesome, hope you’re gettin’ some too.

roses are red, these sweet shoes are brand new, you made tons of cash, and i thank you.

roses are red, wine has a cork, you were an awful husband, and a giant fucking dork.

roses are red, your brains are full of goo, it was a horrible 16 years, happy un-anniversary to you.

roses are red, some carnations are blue, i always hated your mother, and your dad’s an asshole too.

roses are red, life isn’t fair, you are a hairy troll, here’s a gallon of nair.

roses are red, cows like to moo, you think you’re a ka-ra-tay master, but you can’t throw a shoe.

roses are red, this was the best decision, keeps the checks coming, or you will be imprisoned.

roses are red, copper is shiney, i want all the world to know, your cock is quite tiny.

rose are red, my boyfriend is young, your wiener is small, but he is well hung.

roses are red, violets are blue, you are a worthless human being, good riddance to you.

i’m taking orders for the holidays. personalization is free.

BackflipBlinklistCiteULikeBlogMarksDiggFavesGoogle BookmarksShare
Archive — No Comments
2
Jul 09

the technology of relationships

i haven’t yet decided how i feel about karma or the “everything happens for a reason” theory or the powers that be. i am not very religious nor spiritual for that matter, but i do know that we humans are but a tiny part of this universe and that there are certainly forces greater than us at work. you only need look at the purple mountain’s majesty, amber waves of grain, the oceans, or the stars to know something bigger than us was here before us and will remain here long after we have extinguished ourselves.

as people come in and out of my life, i believe more and more that there is a karmic element to the interactions of humans. like one day, for no tangible reason, you decide to park by the other entrance to target that you never use and run into an old pal in the card section. and you think, “man, i am so happy that chance meeting happened. i have missed her tremendously.” or when you are randomly thinking about somebody and they call you or you run into them that day. sometimes i think we have “unfinished business.” perhaps you left off on bad terms with someone and never got the chance or had the balls to make it right and just like that, one day life, or facebook, plops them back into your vision you get to make amends. since i am prone to heap much of the blame on myself, i have walked around for years pouring over every detail of an ended friendship to figure out what i did to end it. these random reunions have allowed me to find closure. to actually ask the person, “why, oh, why did you dump me as your bff?” you know what? most of the time, it turns out i did nothing (ok, maybe just something mildly annoying). it was just lives going on different paths combined with me being terrible at keeping in touch with people. that is why i love technology for allowing me to become a better communicator. its true that email, fb, texting, etc., allows me to get off the hook for actually calling. and truth be told i am not the hugest phone person anymore despite my voluminous phone bills during my teen and college years. my dad absolutely despised the whole texting phenomenon citing, “people your age don’t talk anymore.” and “don’t text me.” while that is true, i actually communicate more than i ever did, with more people than i ever did, better than i ever did. emails are the modern letter and with texts i can exchange a quick snippet every day rather than have a 2 hour phone convo every 6 weeks which i quite frankly don’t want to have (serious attention span issues, people). technology has allowed me to reconnect with people with whom i never would have had that opportunity to do so. it has also allowed me to meet new people with whom i never would have been in contact in my daily life. it has actually allowed to me to feel closer than ever to friends and family. long distances seem shorter. i know i suck at listening to messages and returning phone calls, but i am uber speedy with a return text. true, i make up my own texting lexicon that others find reading akin to code-breaking. i am far wittier in writing than in real life ( which is really, really witty, because quite frankly, i am quick with the wit in person too). just ask my sister how lame-ass our communication was until we discovered texting. we could go weeks without speaking until texting came along. now we “talk” via text every day. and attention whores like me, absolutely jizz when that phone buzzes with a text. i am always excited to see what surprise awaits me when i hit open on that cute little envelope. there are some people with whom i exchange texts all day long, every day from a “gm” text to a “gn” text (here’s where you suebies [sue newbies] have to break the code) and i feel like i have company all day. i am sad when that damn phone is quiet. i am SO aware of how needy this is, but after years of a lonely marriage, texting makes me feel adored, appreciated, attended to, and no longer alone.
and for those of us who have lovingly embraced technology and all it has to offer, those of you who refuse to do the same absolutely make us nuts. refusing to text, return emails, join facebook, use twitter, or any new technology based on no viable reason, other than most likely the fear of the unknown, is like saying “i don’t want to communicate with you.” please, join the party. you are missing out. we want to find you in our lives again you are never to old to learn something new. oops, got on my soap box again. sorry.
as usual, i have digressed enormously from my original point: no matter what my belief in a greater power may be, i still feel people come and go in our lives for a reason. sometimes it’s not clear but it just makes us happy. maybe the circumstances of how that person came into your life or returned to it are less than pure. but so be it. maybe we just don’t have to question it. “it is what it is.” if losing my father taught me anything, its that life is short and our relationships are the most important thing we have or do in life. how much we affect others with the simple giving of ourselves. allowing oursleves to be loved without question and loving back are the greatest gifts i think we, humans, can give each other. sometimes the coming, means there will be an inevitable going. your time together was limited. but it doesn’t diminsh that time spent. we all make a difference to someone out there. that is a great responsibility we must oversee wisely because we touch each others lives in ways we can’t even imagine. long after you have left, someone may still be feeling your effects upon them. we all know someone that changed our own life and outlook profoundly and we must realize that from a simple daily interaction to a close intimate bond, the ways we treat others is our legacy.
so text me…please?
——————————
*these pix of are 2 old pals that i lost touch with and can’t find online anywhere. if anyone knows of their whereabouts or you are one of them: direct them to me. I MISS THEM!!! btw, check out those rockin’ aviators with the fivehead. sa-wheet.
1.me & michelle lewis somewhere in europe 1993.
2.me & jennifer stevenson at UD 1991

P

BackflipBlinklistCiteULikeBlogMarksDiggFavesGoogle BookmarksShare