how many times is it necessary to stomp on a stinging thing that should be cleared for takeoff by the FAA while wearing a 5″ platform shoe before you can be sure its dead after already killing it with a magazine? i thought 49.
why do the stall doors always open into a 2 x 3 space wedging you in between the toilet and the door in the most disgusting bathrooms?
why can’t we improve caulk technology? i caulked my bathroom shower (and i am proud to say i did a roundly less schlocky job than the original application) before reading that i couldn’t use the shower for 48 hours. so we all know how that turned out.
i have this recurring, really stressful dream about having to gather my stuff to bring somewhere else quickly for some unclear reason and i just can’t seem to do it in the time allotted. do you think people in non-materialistic third world countries where they have nothing have this dream too?
why is kesha so obsessed with glitter?
not that i am in a rush to reach it, but do you think there will still be acne after menopause? or will there be senior clearasil? and if so, will i get an AARP discount for buying it? will have to mix zit cream in with my anti-aging cream?
where do people from manhattan get buried when they die? do they realize that they will have to be sent to new jersey, the very place they abhor the most, for eternity? serves you right, haters.
and won’t we run out of room for cemeteries eventually?
and also for our garbage – won’t we run out of space for it? when i think of all the waste i make in one day as one person and multiply that by zillions of people, i can’t imagine there is enough room for all of it. and i then i think about the hospital waste alone and all the tons of disgusting stuff they throw out. it makes my head hurt. why are we so wasteful? and then i wonder, have i already ranted about this exact thing before?
i wonder about outer space and if nothing existed at all: no planets, no stars, no black holes, no meteors, no stars, wouldn’t there still have to be something there, like a blank piece of paper? can there really be complete nothingness? wouldn’t there always have to be something? wouldn’t that “paper” have to have been on a surface at one point if it wasn’t there either? and if space is infinite, that means there is no end or beginning which means there are no perimeters. how is that possible? that gives me a migraine and explains why i got a D in intro to astronomy.
and when you wish upon a star, does it really make no difference where you are?
all that “checking in” to places on facebook where people are asking to be stalked, what am i supposed to do with all that information? “oh, she’s at The Yogurt Barn right now? let us go, tonto, post haste!
how can there always be new music? that amazes me. so much has already been written yet people keep coming up with new tunes. albeit much of it sucks, but still.
does my daughter have any idea how insane it makes me when she voluntarily watches commercial on a dvr’d show? does she know how many people suffered for that technology to become a reality?
my neighbor gives clothes to our other neighbor who then sends them to china. do they not realize the irony of this? it’s like the circle of life.
did the school office staff realize i was wearing a t-shirt that said “little miss late” as i was signing my kids in after the bell rang?
how many times is disney going to make the same movie with the soup du jour “stars” and when will my kids figure this out so i can stop being tortured needlessly?
you know what i really miss about college and high school, besides the binge drinking and ensuing random hook-ups? the house parties. i loved those. why cant we have those now?
one time i went to the liquor store and not only was the sobriety of the dude who was obviously hired as someone’s favor, in question, but he was openly picking his teeth with a giant dental pick while making recommendations (like i would take then anyway). when i told him he had to stop doing that he looked at me like i was the problem. lead to me wonder how can some people lack any self-awareness whatsoever?
i wonder, is it me, or are the americans on hgtv’s house hunters international, the most pretentious, pompous assholes upon which you have ever laid eyes? (other than my ex husband and his family of course.)
there is a salon i used to pass daily called, Valina Day Spa. do they realize they are just one letter off? do they know the visual i get every time i drive by it? surely i can’t be the only one. do you think this is on purpose? subliminal advertising? come to think of it, my Valina could use a trip to the spa…
if The Simpsons have been on for over 20 years, why do i keep seeing the same 10 episodes?
what if animals talked just like we do? things would be totally different. you wouldn’t have pets, so much as roommates. then when you said,”he lives like an animal,” it would be true. we certainly wouldn’t be eating them, using them as unpaid labor, entertainers, or athletes. we would have to give horses a cut for racing and roosters a purse for prize fighting. and there would be a whole other kind of racism that would spawn even more political correctness – you couldn’t say “he eats like a pig” without backlash. they would be able to form their own communities and cable channels. they wouldn’t be wild, but homeless and there would be no such thing as the pet food aisle or pet stores, just items marketed to them directly and adoption agencies. lawyers that specialized in animal adoptions. it would be up to them to get their own birth control and we cut off welfare at the first litter. and what about international policy with other animal nations? what would the universal language be? oinking or meowing? we would need animal to human translators. imagine what the UN would look like… orrrr, maybe it would all be reversed where we would be the pets and at the bottom of the food chain. actually, i guess planet of the apes and family guy addressed this already. well, if they could talk, i would love to tell my cat to stop being such as asshole or at the very least get a security deposit from him. now he’s like the dry cleaners, where they suddenly don’t speak english when they fuck my shit up.
is anyone else sick of the fucking magnet “ribbons’” people have on their cars and the morons that put them sideways like jesus fish? isn’t it enough already with these things? i care about as much about what you support with bumper magnets as i do about your kid being on the honor roll at Jack Off Middle School. or are you one of those people?
do you think at some point, you will just let it all go? the endless dieting and maintaining the looks? the caring what you wear and what others think of you? i was at a party several years ago where a 70 year old turned down delicious cookies because they were was “fattening.” when do you decide you have lived ling enough to stop worrying about all that bullshit?
i have realized than when you date someone you are also dating their car. you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, can i be seen in a yellow miata for the rest of my time? am i willing to ride shotgun in a saturn? can i really break up with this sweet bimmer? and after that, you have to look at how someone keeps said car. If it’s messy, chances are they are a childish slob. If you are not allowed to bring your coffee in with you, chances are you have a giant control freak on your hands. if it’s tricked out, you may be dating a teenager and if they have bumper stickers, do you really want to ever see them again?
we can do better than 243 fans on facebook!
