so here’s a bunch of crap that i think about, weird stuff i do, some asshat custody evaluation fodder (this way he can’t say i never did nutin’ for him), & general observations:
when i see those memorial crosses with flowers & gifts on the side of the highway denoting a fatal traffic accident, i frequently wonder if some of them are for pets who got loose & got clobbered by a car.
when my i buy my kids craft projects or i am gifted with random assorted junk from the PTA sales at school, i say to myself that’s a $27.00 piece of garbage-to-be, how long am i expected to keep this on display before i can throw it out?
when trashing the aforementioned items, i have an evil process: 1. it is displayed for a reasonable period of time somewhere prominent. 2. it is moved somewhere less prominent so i can see if it’s absence has been noticed. this occurs for a lesser amount of time. 3. it is hidden in a drawer out of sight for a minimum of 2 weeks to see if anyone misses it at all. 4. it is wrapped in black garbage bags, stuffed in the bottom of the trash or disposed of in a secret trash location. once in awhile i get caught by the girls at perp-ing step 4 and i am forced to feign surprise & remorse and claim it was an accident. once the heat is off, i will then start the process again.
i once said raising girls involves a lot of glitter. demetri martin said. “glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” i think that is spot on.
over the past month or so, the hat has been “secretly” videotaping me in the morning when i get the kids ready for school. i use the quotes because he thinks i don’t know and he thinks he is going to catch me in some inappropriate parental “behavior.” frankly, i normally only have 1 eye open at 7:30 am and i am way too tired to yell at my kids. he should really consider taping me later in the day when the caffeine crash has happened and i have spent 2 hours doing tandem homework assignments. anyway, i wonder what he plans to use it for. is he doing a live webcast show called, “my ex wife in the morning?” maybe posting it on you porn? since he can not be seen at all on the tape, he is basically admitting to doing nothing at all each morning. way to go superdad! i wonder if his brilliant legal counsel told him to do that or if he just cooks up his own schemes while fantasizing about how he will get me convicted of a mothering crime: “judge, look at the tape. she actually had the nerve to get annoyed at the kids after asking them 6 times to get their shoes on for the bus. she should have asked at least 10 with a smile on her face and not raising her voice one decibel. plus, she made them wear jackets and gloves despite their pleas to the contrary! she should lose custody.” “judge, just look at that sloppy spreading of the bread. and that crust is not completely cut off and she is feeding our oldest, nutella, judge. nutella. yes, the chocolate hazelnut spread as seen on tv. yes, i did in fact eat the whole jar when i got the munchies last night so there wasn’t any left this morning. but, that is not the point. she is a bad, bad mother” “judge, did you see that? she only defrosted 3 mini pancakes, when clearly, the child asked for 4. that is definitely neglect.” when the kids aren’t looking i flip that lens the bird every so often when i walk by. i hope i look good on the ex-wife cam.
the ex-wife-to-be webcast: coming to a kitchen near you...
my itunes was randomly playing my tunes. billy joel’s “i don’t know why i go to extremes” came on. it occurred to me for the very first time in all the years i have been hearing that song, that it is clearly about his unmedicated bi-polar disorder.
when the bf and i are texting and i get a great blog idea from our exchange i say to him, “ferb, i know what we are going to blog about today. ” you have to be as huge a dorky phineas & ferb fan as I am to get this, but it amuses me.
all those new hybrid vehicles remind me of a hack magician’s act where he saws the chick in half in the box. that’s what those cars look like to me: like they were abruptly sawed in half in the middle of assembly at the plant.
i cheated my way through typing in middle school and still can’t type without looking to this day. i even hold my fingers in the “home” position, but that is as close as i get to actual ability. i regret that, since, clearly, typing is a useful skill for a wanna-be writer. kids, it’s true: cheating only hurts you in the end. i am living proof.
i am not saying no one else came up with this idea, but 7 years ago i emailed babies ‘r us’ corporate HQ and told them about the existence of a large empty space in the area (which actually became their current location in manalapan), because i was tired of driving to eatontown for my excessive and entirely unnecessary baby needs. by the time they built it, i no longer had any use for their merchandise. however, i like to think that i helped out all the preggos in this area with that now unselfish act.
many times during the day i am shopping for things my kids need and i have a question or need clarification. like, ” is it you or your sister who eats chunky peanut butter?” and, “they don’t have the notebook in blue, will you use a red one?” and i wish i could text them at school to learn this important stuff that is worth interrupting their learning.
since the master cleanse only lasted til lunch, i decided to finish up my bottle of “hydroxycut hardcore.” one pill not only gives me insane energy so that i don’t need my giant latte anymore (a $4 daily savings), but also puts a perma-grin on my face. i am telling you it is better than any anti-depressant i have sampled.* they should put this stuff in the water. *these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.
i have a lock with a word combination because i can’t remember the damn numbers and how many turns which way (that was some major anxiety in school. hence the recurring locker nightmare). the word i chose 3 years ago pre-divorce, but on the verge of very bad behavior is “LUSTY.” but, please don’t break into my locker at the gym now that you have the code, because i have no idea how to change it.
as i have told you, the idea of marrying again puts fear in my heart, but i know never to say never. but i think i would re-write the vows to make them a wee bit more truthful. like, “do you take this man in baldness and fatness, through bull and bear markets, for offensive gas and hairy ears, through workoholism and job loss, during kitchen remodels and sickness when he is being a complete pain in the ass. ” “do you take this woman to be your wife, during pms and bloating, pregnancy and numerous weight loss attempts thereafter, through bad haircuts and through losing your closet space to 59 pairs of black shoes, and promise to check on her once in awhile when she has the flu to make sure she is not dead?” “do you take each other to have and to hold if you can get your arms around each other after 15 years?” “do agree to honor invasive in-laws and friends you don’t like?” “do you agree to replace the toilet paper when its down to 3 squares and not leave empty containers in the fridge and say thank you once in awhile?” i think this could really save some marriages. much of the success in life is all about having realistic expectations and i think some truth in advertising would help.
you ever listen to music you used to just love that you thought was way cool a year or so later and realize how bad it really sucks and then wonder how you ever liked it in the first place? maroon 5 is this band for me. now i get why that doctor meg briefly dated on family guy said, ” i remembered you liked crappy music, so i bought you the new maroon 5 cd.”
when my girls play games where their dolls get married, i cringe inside.
a word i would like to see retired: “multi-task.” it just means doing a whole lotta things at once all half-assed and pretending you are paying attention to your kids when you’re doing something else. another: “synergy” it’s made up corporate gobbledy gook. only douches use it.
also, i hate when people say i “text” her insetad of i “textED” her. i’m glad you are up to speed with technology, now how about trying to speak english correctly too?
when i have to spend some quality time in the loo at home and i have forgotten my reading material or i am not at my home loo location, i have some games i play to pass the time: 1. i take any object with writing on it and play the alphabet game. this is where i search for every letter of the alphabet in the text of the product in order of the alphabet. then i do that with a word starting with each letter in alphabetical order. 2. i find a long word and make smaller words out of it. 3. sometimes i play the list game, where i try to make up a word for every letter of the alphabet according to a subject, like” antelope bear, cat, etc. but it’s best to be properly equipped with your preferred reading material at all times ( hence the term pocketbook) or have access to the internet via a discrete hand-held device.
i would buy an iphone immediately if it had a “personal massager” app. that would be great for travel. or daily errands. or time at home…
i despise clutter so much that even e-clutter makes me nuts too. i clean out my email in-box religiously, unsubscribe from junk mail, update the email address book, delete unused files and programs, defragment the hard drive, remove duplicates and unwanted songs on my i-tunes frequently, delete old contacts from my cell, and reorganize all of my bookmarks regularly. keep in mind i can absolutely find time for all that, but i don’t floss.
2 new bumper stickers for my line: “i went on the honeymoon from hell and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker” and “no sex on my wedding night.”
i’d love to make a video game for ex-wives where you get to shoot at men in suits running around with briefcases.
a few months ago i saw maybelline pulse perfection mascara in CVS. it is a vibrating mascara for $14.99. for that price, it better make me a latte the next morning.
my current romantical relationship has this kind of “stoner effect” where we get so involved and so interested in so many topics of conversation at once that we say, “waaaiiiitttttt, what were we talking about, duuuude?” i would love to have a dvr for my life/brain for this purpose. you could rewind back and remember what you were saying or did. there would be no arguing anymore. you could just say, “hey ref, lets’ go to the tape for a ruling.”
i am what is known as a chronoptimist.
several months ago i helped chaperon a sleepover party for 20 nine year old girls. wanna know what it was like? imagine being around 20 women all pms-ing hard at the same exact time. crying, hair pulling, gossiping, exclusionary tactics, and girls leaving at 4am. it was not pretty. after the craft portion of the fiesta was complete, i told the hostess, “as soon as you put the movie on, i am opening the wine.” she immediately said,” girls, i’m turning the movie on now.”
should someone hire me for such, my possible column titles are: i am woman: hear me whore, permanently hot and bothered, the lone milf, batshit crazy, my ugly divorce.
words i love: craptastic, fucktacular, dooshtastic, asshat (love the word, not the dude.)
5 famous people i want to hang out (= drink) with: 1. chelsea handler 2. niecey nash as her reno 911 character 3. brian from family guy 4. danielle fischel from the dish 5. joel mchale from the soup
did i ever tell you about my most embarrassing moment? tough shit if i did: it’s the very first day of college, it’s night, bunch of us are hanging in the dorm lounge to get to know each other and playing trivial pursuit. it’s my turn. the question is asked. i pause for a minute, shift in my seat, and in doing so a fart escapes. everyone dies laughing because they think i did it on purpose as my answer. i crawled out when no one was looking, but it took an entire semester to live down until i did some way more embarrassing things…
i love interior design and ever since i was a kid i try to peep into people’s windows as i drive by to checkout how their houses are decorated.
i don’t understand the concept of being a sports fan and hometown pride. you were just born there, you’re not playing for the team. ditto for people who say, “we won. we lost” it’s not we. you are not on the field. in fact, your lazy ass is sitting and watching, hotter, slimmer, younger men than yourself doing cool things while you are drinking 6 beers and eating 4 jumbo chili dogs. makes even less sense to me when it’s not even a team from where you went to college or ever lived that you gets so jazzed about and a loss ruins your day. what am i missing here?
why do manufacturers keep improving toothbrushes and toothpaste? it’s stuff we have to use anyway. its not like you will start brushing regularly because they have a cool new toothpaste or quit because you don’t like the bristle placement on the available toothbrushes. seems like overkill to me.
can someone please make the voices inside my head stop? maybe the freud finger puppet?
