hey, you know what’s really fun? trivia and games and trivia games. i have some really fun trivia that I think is “clearly germaine and pertinent to the issues being addressed” in my divorce. I also “submit that there are aspects of this” trivia “which are troubling and disturbing at best, if not calling into the question the stability and parental capacity” of The Asshat “at this juncture.” in that spirit, i have drawn from the “vent” -ings of “a mad suburban housewife,” to design my own nifty trivia game. it’s called:
Guess the Assholio
1. Guess which Assholio sleeps with, carries in his briefcase, and caresses a blue blankie while driving:
a. Sloth from the Goonies
b. the creepy Meghan’s Law neighbor from down the block
c. Manchildholio
2. Guess Which Assholio blows snot on the shower walls instead of using a tissue & leaves it there as a permanent art installation:
a. Animal from The Muppet Show
b. Mr. Clean’s alter ego, Mr. Filthy
c. Pigholio
3. Guess which Assholio purchased synthetic urine online to allegedly use for a pre-employment drug test:
a. Ben of Ben & Jerry
b. Pauley Shore
c. Mary J. Holio
4. Guess which Assholio withheld conjugal relations from his wife during most of the marriage preferring his giant collection of porn, a plastic vagina & penis pump:
a. 80 year old Hugh Heffner
b. The Hedgehog, Ron Jeremy
c. Pervertholio
5. Guess which Assholio didn’t answer his phone or the banging on his door when his kids wanted to wish him a happy new year:
a. Al Bundy
b. Father Time
c. Superdadholio
6. Guess which Assholio started a fire in a room next to where his children were sitting by putting ashes from his “incense” in his wastebasket full of paper and then left the room & said children alone:
a. Smoky the Bear’s half-wit cousin, Sooty
c. Impairedholio
7. Guess which Assholio didn’t shovel the driveway after 2.5 feet of snow fell so his children could be safely driven out of the garage or walk down to the hill to the school bus without falling on the ice:
a. Lazy Smurf
b. Frosty the Snowman’s Evil twin, Slippery the Snowman
c. Slackholio
8. Guess which Assholio has refused to buy groceries for or wash articles of his kids’ laundry when specifically asked by said children to do so at the exact time he is already performing these very acts for himself:
a. George Jefferson
b. Darth Vader
c. Dildoholio
9. Guess which Assholio stole his wife’s checkbooks, cash, & moved assets after divorce filings necessitating the hiring of expensive forensic accounting experts:
a. Donald Trump
b. The CEO of Enron
c. Brokerholio
10. Guess which Assholio removed approximately 54 light bulbs from his kid’s home to limit household utility usage, forcing his children to sit in the dark to do their homework & was eventually court ordered to replace said light bulbs:
a. The Heat Miser
b. Ralph Nader
c. Cheapholio
11. Guess which Assholio eats toaster oven steak almost every night:
a. Bobby Flay
b. A Homeless Dude
c. Chefholio
12. Guess which Assholio worships one of the crappiest bands of all time to the point of certifiable obsession akin to a trekkie (in my opinion), and “toured” with them (his word), i.e., followed them across the country, for 3 weeks one summer while leaving his wife and kids home:
a. Jack Black
b. Cameron Crowe
c. Dorkholio
13. Guess which Assholio travels with a finger puppet on vacations and takes pictures of it, once going so far as to ask his wife to take a picture of him with it instead of asking a passerby to take a picture of him & said wife & then got violently angry at said wife because she refused to do such:
a. Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
b. Jeff Dunham
c. Nutholio
14. Guess which Assholio threw a giant old school rotary phone at his wife’s head when he couldn’t get international internet access while on an all expense paid trip in italy to read about the crappy band’s concert and then later screamed at her in front a group of people, he would rather be “touring” with that crappy band then be on vacation with her:
a. Ike Turner
b. Mike Tyson
c. Abusiveholio
15. Guess which Assholio, while on a Disney Cruise for a “family” vacation, shoved his wife into a stairwell in an alleged attempt to push her down the stairs in front of his young children & other guests:
a. Pete the Bully
b. Scrooge McDuck
c. Mouseketeerholio
16. Guess which Assholio won a 5K jackpot in vegas when on vacation with his wife, and then became uncontrollably paranoid & completely convinced he was being followed, chastised her nastily for celebrating the win publicly, and forcibly dragged her back to their hotel room to hide out for the rest of the evening:
a. Steve Wynn
b. Howard Hughes
c. Dellusionalholio
17. Guess which Assholio claimed to be on a business trip but, i strongly suspect actually went to RatCon 2009 (the dates of said trip & this event matched up suspiciously) at a cheesy motel to listen to music and talk about his most favoritest awesomely horrible band for several days with his bestest psychonerd bff’s in their motel rooms (i ask you, does it get any douchier than that?):
a. Derek Smalls of Spinal Tap
b. Geddy Lee, himself
c. Rusholio
18. Guess which Assholio was bullied as a kid & pooped his pants at sleep-away camp at the age of 10:
a. Steve Erkel
b. Screech
c. Camperholio
19. Guess which Assholio watched over 7 hours of wrasslin’ most every week of the marriage and may have believed it to be real:
a.Vince McMahon
b. Peter Griffin
c. Hulk Hoganholio
20. Guess which Assholio will soon realize his dream of being freed of the bitchy wife (a.k.a unruly indentured servant), unfit mother of his children, and cushy life he has lead for 13 years:
a. Schmuckholio
b. Divorceholio
c. a & b
Scoring:
Give yourself 0 points for every a or b answer. Give your self 1 point for every c answer. If you score under 20 points, you are clueless and have not been paying much attention to this blog. go back to the beginning. if you score 19 points, congratulations, you are expert in all things Holio.
*5 points extra credit if you figured out the finger puppets in the photo at the top are the likenesses of 3 famous psychoanalysts: freud, anna freud, & carl jung complete with couch. these nifty guys are available at uncommongoods.com. my hope is that the shrink puppets will analyze the conky puppet and help him work out all those mommy issues of his.
conky, the puppet with whom i toured italy. best company i had whole trip.
