single with vodkagood girl gone bad

so “the holidays” are coming. the jewish holidays, of course. every year at this time, like all my fellow tribesmen, i am saddled with the responsibility of explaining what the holidays “mean” to all of you gentiles. and basically, it boils down to this: there is rosh hashana (hereafter known as RH), which is the jewish new year, meaning it coincides with the hebrew calendar, hence the year 5769. this is generally two nights of unbridled stuffing of the gut with all kinds of traditional artery clogging foods. apparently, all the historical desert wandering countered the effects of over-cholesterol ingestion. RH is when we ask God to allow us to live another year by writing us into book of the life. RH is followed by yom kippur a week later. this is the day of atonement when we ask God to forgive our sins of the past year. to achieve that goal, we are expected to fast, which means we starve ourselves for 24 hours because God will reward us for such by allowing us to live another year by being written into the book of the life. i have no idea how a people who based an entire culture, history, & religious practice around communal food sharing for thousands of years, came up with this idea. i can not go for 24 minutes without food. 24 hours is out of the question.

generally in august, a panic ensues in the jewish community about “the holidays.” and we really have many holidays. like every 6 weeks at least ,but these are the holidays, the holiest of them all. most important ones we have. we start planning feverishly: all the people we are inviting, are we doing the first or second night at our house, are we doing it all this year, are we going to someone’s house, what do we bring if so? what about break the fast? are we doing the meal the night before (erev) or the actual breaking of the fast? the night before we stuff ourselves silly in the hopes of having an easy fast, that is what we wish each other, “have an easy fast. ok, you too.” breaking of the fast preparation is generally easier because it consists of what we like to call “bagels & schmears.” schmears being the spreads for the bagels. so, anyway, we literally write off all of september with promises of “we will get together after the holidays.”we are just so busy preparing. my kids went to jewish preschool- they were home more than they were in school in september. the more conservative the synagogue, the more days off. sometimes the holidays stretch into october depending upon how they fall and this causes even more time to be written off. and we expect all of you goys to know when the holidays are, but every single year some jerk plans something really big on our holiday, a hockey tournament for our kids, a school event, etc., and we flip out because they refuse to change it. it’s our plight every single year. we know when your holidays are you need to know when ours are. uch.

so, we all observe the holidays differently depending upon how religious we are. many jews use this as their reason to feel like a “good jew” and sit through hours of services at temple. sometimes morning and afternoon. but is anyone actually paying attention? i have seen dozing, snoring, & actual saliva drippage. so many jews want to be good on the”high holy days” that we actually need to have tickets to get into services. security is tighter than at an obama rally. no sneaking in. don’t try to worship without proper registration. this is how they get you to join, by promising you tickets for the holidays. some synagogues actually have to conduct these services off site becuase so many people want to aattend. the whole congregation shows up. people you haven’t even seen all year show up. when you get there, its cut throat seating. there is no seat saving so don’t even try. my parents didn’t really observe by going to temple, so as i got older i dabbled in going with friends. and was it ever boring. eventually though i came to feel like a hypocrite, because i didn’t really observe anything jewish all year, why go now? like, okay, i’m covered for the entire year if i just go these 3 days? i don’t think so.

there is the question of fasting on yom kippur. do you fast or not? do you lie & say you did? some people will drink water but not eat all day. some drink water only for taking medication. some with do neither but sleep all day (that does not count, btw, asshat). some will brush their teeth, some won’t. what time is fasting officially over? do you wait till your usual dinner time or until the shofar is blown and there are 3 stars in the sky? some drink water only for taking medication. you’re supposed to sit & pray all day, think about your sins, and starve while you do it. some claim hypoglycemia or illnesses. the only years i felt no guilt about not fasting was when i was pregnant. again my parents didn’t fast and i don’t. i did it once or twice but decided on the whole hypocrite thing and abandoned it. let myself off the hook, i did. an interesting custom is to go down to the river & cast stones into the water, each stone representing a sin you committed the past year that you want forgiven. i usually run out of  stones…

i find the holidays inspire a weird jewish competitiveness. who is a bigger martyr with more dishes to wash & more people at their house? who had the most food and spent the most money on it? the supermarket gets cleaned out. who spent longer in temple & fasted the longest? did you go both days, both sessions? who got the most fabulous outfits for the holidays? who is the first to wish you a happy new year? (innerestin’ sidenote: every year someone wishes me a happy & healthy new year & i have no idea what they are talking about at first. then i realize oh, its RH.) then in classic jewish fashion, they whine & bitch about all of it before, during, & after preparations. none of this is what i think God intended.  i don’t believe most of us really get it and change our ways, but i have been called a cynic once or twice.

of course, for me, holidays since the divorce began & after my dad’s passing have lost a certain luster to me. they have become something to get through & past rather than to celebrate. but its still family time, so we get together for too much food & sickly sweet mainschewitz. we will dip our apples into honey for a sweet new year, ask to be written into the book of life once again, and have it catered…