so, The Asshat has had this righteous bumper sticker, actually bumper magnet, for ages now on his hideous yellow ride that says “put the CIVIL back into CIVILization.” it’s so sickeningly obnoxious, that at the beginning of the divorce, it mysteriously disappeared (weird, huh?). but he has an inexhaustible supply because it was the creation of his righteous father. you see, it always follows that the biggest hypocrites, i.e. Asshat & Co., have the most to say to the rest of us about how we should live our lives. they are of course, perfect and on the side of justice & bald eagles. there is no one less civil than this gnome family, but they all preach it from their self appointed soapboxes day in and out. his dear old dad came up with 5 of these sayings, had them printed up (that righteous moron spent like a grand on these things) and had wet dreams about marketing them to schools, religious organizations, vfw’s, and homeless people to bring about a mass change in our social consciousness. i wish i could remember all of them – but, 2 others were, “remember please and thank you” and “share some of what you have.” apparently these did not apply to stonerholio’s yellow bumper lifestyle. shocker. anyway, dorkosaurus father in law, actually approached me several years ago about selling them on ebay i was like, shah, as if. i’m sure it will be a huge seller: cue eyeball roll & snicker. in fact the very concept of a bumper sticker is righteous. these people think that by applying a sticky thing on the back of their car, they will change the planet by changing minds from the mere viewing of this sticker. people will suddenly stop what they are doing, change their votes, stop eating meat, have that unwanted child, slow down because there is a baby on board, find religion, get a cocker spaniel, give a shit that someone’s kid is on the honor roll at that overpriced private Nerdly Academy they send their spawn to, or what obnoxious college said spawn attends; and in placing that sticker, the sum total of their social obligation is satisfied. it’s so pompous.
so, the other night, after viewing the backside of that asinine glowing vehicle during The Daughter Exchange, inspiration struck me: a line of swv bumper stickers. perhaps a companion product to the swv e-cards. as the antithesis to the groundbreaking Asshat & Co. Civility Movement (read: bunch o’ righteous pussies) and inspired by its very creators, i present to you, drumroll please….
the SWV bumper magnets:
you really put the ASS in ASShat
maybe jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you’re a dick
righteous people suck
your dad could have changed the world, had he only worn a condom
caution: asshat crossing
sucks to be my ex
someone should have told your mother about Plan B
you put the CREEP in McCREEPY
i found The Missing Link, then i divorced him
alimony is my pal
alimony: may your years be many & prosperous
i take paypal
i’m the bitch he has to payback
ask your kids what they really think of you
ever wonder why your wife buys batteries in bulk?
yes, she is faking
you’re not paranoid, everybody does hate you
the shire called, the hobbits said don’t come back.
Assholio: I know one
i had doubts
i wish i listened when my father told me i didn’t have to go through with it
honk if you married too young
i never liked your mother
i married a Mental Patient & escaped
500 million sperm and you were the best he had?
if you can read this, i got the car
yes, she is cheating on you
good mother by night, bad wife by day
my boyfriend says thanks for the new boobs
you put the douche in massengill
divorce pays!
marry for love, but divorce for money
need a raise? divorce a rich asshole
another hat-free day
TGIF: thank god i’m free
he fought the law & I WON
i am already working on fortune cookie inserts:
“your lack of personality is surpassed only by your lack of sexual ability”
“your wife’s lucky number is 1/2″
“the chinese word of the day is cock “
isn’t this what that saying about turning his nuts into peanut butter meant, or was it lemons into lemonade? – i can never remember.
the sunshine mobile of civility
