Posts Tagged: pizza

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — No Comments
23
Sep 10

SSDP

i’m developing a new line of washing machines for single women: it will have a sperm setting.

i’m starring in a new reality show called, “revolving door.” guest stars are only on for one episode.

i’m done having babies – i’ve become claustrofetus.

when considering potential dates, i really try not to be shallow, but i’m just not deep enough…

remember the almond joy/mounds commercial? well, i have a similar jingle: “sometimes, i wanna be a slut, sometimes i don’t…”

women truly want to stop fucking assholes, but ask any woman why she does and she will tell you that it’s so hard to let a good penis walk out of your life.

i should have slept my way up while i had the body for it. i would definitely be running something by now.

i can’t decide which was worse: my last hangover or the last dude i slept with, but i can always take aspirin to get rid of the headache.

the amount of patience i have for my kids is directly proportional to my BAC.

saw a police officer forget her car keys at the bank counter. apparently “to serve & protect” does not require a short term memory.

it occurs to me that i am literally being paid to give a shit when i crap at work.

since i moved to the kitchen & bath department, there has been a marked increase in massage shower head sales.

frequently, i am asked which shower head i recommend. this advice obviously differs on the gender of the individual and the intended use…

the cruel irony of the bath aisle, is that i once had to hold my pee for 40 minutes while discussing the features of different toilets.

some guys are just not worth the good lingerie.

my newest bumper sticker:  stop me before i sleep with another loser.

do any of those “club” stores sell condoms in bulk? and if so, does anyone want to go halvsies on a membership?

bedtime is when i am pointing my cell phone at the tv to change channels and getting really pissed off that the remote is not working.

i always thought “scifi” was cool, but “syfy” is just douchey.

not only is it hard to find good help, but it’s almost impossible to find a steady lay.

i just don’t trust people who don’t drink. what do they have to hide?

gentlemen: when in a bar and you feel strange boobs in your back, in most cases it translates to, “i think you’re hot.”

if i wanted to date a guy that ignores me, i would have stayed married.

i told a friend the scent of lavender helps me fall asleep (you know – on the nights when i have run out of vodka). she said that it’s also supposed to be an aphrodisiac for men. i said, i thought that was called sex. i have a hard time imagining men need something to lure them into the sack.

sometimes i will sleep with a dude in whom i  have no interest in ever seeing again just because i already shaved my legs.

some foods are just naughty: mounds, lays, hohos, ding dongs, snoballs, nutter butters. i love them all.

i once starred in a limited engagement off off off off off breoadway of a modern version of an old classic: goldilocks and the three penises. except i don’t have golden locks and i never did find one that was just right.

greatest compliment i ever received from another woman about my hair: “it’s like porn star hair.”

let me sum up online dating for you: SSDP: same shit different penis.

it’s not even a muffin top anymore – it’s more like a pound cake.

my sister was holding a 1/2 full wine bottle when i was driving us home from dinner one night (yes, even i have to take at turn at being designated). her worry that we could be pulled over was compounded by the knowledge of how vindictive my ex asshat is. i tried to soothe her by saying, “i’ve been taken to court for less.”

it’s official, i am a “cougar.” but, i think the next time i want attention from something needy, i’ll just get a puppy.

one day while unconsciously following a cheesy man around the store, because i tracked his scent like a horny teenage bloodhound, i realized i am still a whore for drakkar noir. i am truly ashamed but i accept there is just nothing i can do change that – i got my chops on it when i came up through the ranks.

i am so thrilled! my sister has asked me to be The Cougar of Honor at her wedding when she gets married.

yes, it is different than the other 20 i already have. so, never come between a woman and her shoes. or her purses. in fact, stay the fuck out of her closet entirely.

i’m sure this has been said numerous times, but i would like to reiterate: a good man is so hard to find, but a hard man is so goooooood to find.

only when i find the man that can make me want to throw away my vibrator and retire the showerhead, will i even begin to consider a second marriage.

i’ve tried several times to quit drinking and men. damed, if i can quit the drinking.

i’m looking for a new couch: i want a fabric that is durable, comfortable, & spooge-resistant.

it turns out i’m a racist – i just won’t date certain ethnicities based on penis size.

fried calamari and sangria: bad idea. fried calamari and sangria before sex: worse idea.

i am not big on fad diets but i found one that really works: The SWV Diet: you supplement all of your carbs with massive quantities of coffee, wine, & vodka.  you won’t lose a damn thing, but you won’t give a shit.

qvc has a “purses & shoe” channel. add cats and you have cornered the lonely single woman with considerable disposable income market.

i no longer have rolls. i have loaves.

keep in mind with online dating: the more expensive the site, the higher the grade of asshole.

you know what would really make chicks dig giving blowjobs? magic shell for penises.

when engaging in naughty texts prior to sleeping with someone, remember this law: the sexting is inversely proportional to the actual sex.

when it comes to phone/e-sex, most dudes can talk a great game but can’t deliver on the court. and you can forget overtime.

the problem with discovering a small penis is that it’s just too late when you do.

i’ve fallen and i can’t get off.

why do the guys with the smallest wangs think they are huge? it’s like a penile napolean complex.

before the cleaning service comes, i like to tidy up a bit – lest they find my bra in the couch cushions.

before e-dating, the only impersonal, non confrontational way to dump & humiliate someone was by leaving a message on the ol’ answering machine. now we have texting, voicemails, emails, IMs, facebook, and the logical companion to all of those which is my personal favorite: The Complete Lack Of Response. technology is so life enhancing.

has anyone seen the new “pro-glide” shaving cream commercial for men? it advertises “less tug & pull” and comes with a cream to use for “pre-shaving.” sounds like shaving just got a lot more fun..

if you can’t shake a creepy guy at the bar, tell him you’d love to go home with him now that the valtrex is finally working and you haven’t had an outbreak in months.

the toilet was not working, so i decided to try to fix it myself before calling in for professional reinforcements. i removed the wrong part, caused a geyser, and not only became covered in toilet water, but was in it up to my ankles. after wondering if 911 covers toilet emergencies, i worried that since i had been contaminated by toilet water, only  a plumber could now love me.

i wish i had GPS in college – that walk of shame home would have been so much easier to navigate.

i think fantasy sports leagues are just ridiculous. now, a fantasy penis league i could support.

or how about a fantasy shoe league? i’ll trade you the manolos for the vuittons.

in instructing a newbie in proper shower head use, i warned her to start out slow so as not to blow her bean off. it’s my most valuable advice.

fuck me once, shame on you. fuck me twice, now that’s more like it.

what is it about the makeup chick’s brush holster that screams power? she’s like a superhero of makeup sales. she can whip out just the right brush for a blush emergency. i am handy with the beauty implements, but i am sure her powder skills are clearly superior to my technique while wearing that tool belt. or maybe, she’s really a villain, because i end up buying tons of extra shit i never even wanted.

aren’t we all porn stars of our own sex life?

in observing so many out of state & canadian license plates, it occurred to me that the drive-thru line at mcd’s is the UN of fast food.

it’s a penis buffet out there when you’re single: so much to sample, you can go back as many times as you want, it takes a lot to get full, there is always dessert, but you rarely get your money’s worth.

men are like bottles of vodka: it’s always good to keep a few extra in reserve in case of a dry spell.

sex is like pizza: even when it’s not that great, it’s still pretty good and it’s always perfect for breakfast.

all i want is to find is the gomez to my morticia.

so i gave in and got a kitten for the girls. i named her Divorce Guilt, D.G. for short, but the kids call her Peanut. i like my name better.

isn’t it unnerving to know that at any given moment, tons of women are walking around bleeding heavily and some of them just tried on that same pair of jeans?

i told my friend that she should come stay with me on my free nights so i wouldn’t be tempted to go out & carouse. she said she didn’t realize it was that bad. i told her, that at the rate i’m going, i’m going to end up pregnant or in a clinical trial…

i am out of vodka and i can’t go out. where is that damn st. bernard when you need it?

if you want to know exactly what my marriage was like,  when you have some free time, watch the my morning straightjacket episode of american dad.

brilliant things my friends have said that i seriously considered passing off as my own:

“you know it’s an affair gone wrong when your bikini wax cost more than the motel room.”

“i speak guido.”

“say hello to my little bean.”

“important ratios: tooth to gum, tit to ass, dick to ball.”

“monogamy = monotony.”

“the one night stand exists because women allow it to.”

“the bigger the diamond, the more doomed the marriage.”

“tampons & chocolate should be sold in a combo pack.”

“the only thing a second marriage has going for it, is a second divorce.”

“i finally realized why i love my car lease. unlike my 3 year marriage, i will return it with no hassle, never have to see it again, and can upgrade to a better model.”

amen sistas.

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rugrats are hi-lar-i-ous — 5 Comments
3
Jun 10

trainer boobs: part 3

9 year old: “mommy, when you die can i have those earrings great grandma gave you?” me: “umm, sure.” 6 year old: “can i have your sesame street t-shirts, then?”

9 year old told me a story about being with a friend who put some candy in her pocket at a store without paying for it and she said the girl “knew better.” she then continued to tell me that she was displeased with being in that situation and proclaimed, “she can have fun with me, but legally.”

9 year got new glasses today. she put them on & then immediately belted out, “i can see clearly now…”

in the process of packing up the house, the girls discovered several bags of unopened halloween candy i had stashed away for next year (yeah – that’s right, i have no issue handing out stale candy). 9 year old  said with the heartbreaking look of betrayal only a child can portray, “how could you have kept this a secret?”

it occurs to me that while i write about them, i keep telling the girls to leave me alone so i can write about them.

9 year old after arguing with grandmother about heating up leftover pizza: “i do like this pizza warm.” grandmother: “i know. you’re just used to eating everything cold.” me: “ouch.”

my sister is pregnant with twins about which the girls are very excited. there has been much speculation between them as to if it will be 2 girls, 2 boys, or a “set.” should it be “one of each,” 9 year said, “i call the girl.”

me: “after you finish your homework, please clean up your room.” 6 year old: “i can’t – i have other plans for after my homework is done.”

6 year old: “my friend said that her bus driver gives them ice pops in the summer & hot chocolate in the winter. ” me: “i’m not sure the bus driver would do that since so many kids have food allergies.” 9 year old: “no, they can’t. eating is strictly prohibited on the bus. it says so.”

6 year old was trying to wiggle her most recent loose tooth out and i said,  “i am not sure the tooth fairy is prepared for a tooth to fall out tonight.” then 9 year old said: “well. maybe she can give her something homemade – with a paperclip.”

6 year old after overhearing her father on the phone with a client: “daddy, why do you need so many chairs?” father: “what do you mean?” 6 year old: “you said on the phone you needed 2000 chairs.” father (a stockbroker): “that’s shares.”

i painted my nails pink the other night of which my 9 year old took notice and remarked, “it’s been years since i saw anything but a french on your nails.”

9 year old announced, “i am only using this shirt for pajamas from now on. it makes me look like i have boobs.” me: “i thought you wanted boobs -you are completely obsessed with getting them.” 9 y/o: “i am but i want them at the regular age. this shirt makes me looks like i have trainer boobs.”

9 y/o discussing her little crush: “we are meant for each other: we both hate ketchup, we both like honey mustard, we both hate crusts, and we both lie for no reason.”

9 y/o noticing the compact florescent bulbs in the outdoor fixtures: “oh, you used those curly-q light bulbs. now people will know you are green-system.”

grandmother to 6 y/o: “you’re really good at art. you should take lessons. ” 6 y/o “if i’m so good why do i need lessons?”

9 y/o: “something came to my attention.” me: “what’s that.” 9 y/o: “my belly button is all crusty.”

me to 9 y/o: “i can’t believe you’re going to be a fifth grader.” 9 y/o “yeah and then i’ll be middle school. i’ll be shaving in a few years.”

9 y/o: “photo shoot” with grandma’s cat: “now, give me naughty kitty.”

me on phone with 9 y/o: “is the plumber still there?” 9 y/o: ” yes, and i saw his crack.”

9 y/o: “he had a quack in his voice” me: “what?????” 9 y/o: “you know the saying ‘a frog in your throat?’ well, he had a quack.”

our californian cousins came to visit us during memorial day weekend. between the 3 of us we have 5 girls ranging from 15 months to almost 10 years old. hilarity and much squealing ensued:

our cousins got into town late, so we went to their hotel room to visit with them a bit before bedtime. the girls were all so excited to see each other that they got slightly rambunctious. so, i said we all needed to be quiet because people might be sleeping in the other rooms and my 9 year old backed me up by saying, “yeah, you’ll wake the elderly.”

after a particularly messy day with her cousins that involved barefoot activities, 9 year old proclaimed she needed a shower to wash her “blackened feet.” 6 year old asked if she could go in the shower with her and i said it was up to her sister, to which 9 year replied, “sure. God Bless her if she wants to go in with me.”

9 year old needed to take the toothbrush her grandmother keeps at her house for a spontaneous overnight at the hotel with her cousins and when her grandmother said it was no problem, she then said to grandma, “will you be a dear and get it for me?”

my cousin took his daughter & my 9 year old into The Big Apple one of the days to do all sorts of fun things. one of the stops was Dylan’s Candy Bar where my cuz asked her if they should bring back a tequilla lollipop for me as a joke. without skipping a beat she replied, “my mommy likes vodka.”

after dinner with the cousins one night at my mother’s house, we ignored our kids, while three of the girls played in my mother’s large walk in closet and we could hear that they were getting quite rowdy. cuz & i glanced over our wine glasses at my mother to see if we should intervene and she just said, “not my kids.” and we both replied, “not my closet.”

after a day filled with sugar, grandma brought out the cupcakes. 9 year old noticing my displeasure said, “grandma makes trouble.”

at great adventure we all went to the restroom but somehow became separated from my mom and sister and they ended up in different parts of the park after the pit stop. my group wondered how this was so & concluded my mom & sis must have exited the rest rooms a different way than we did, to which 9 year old said, “well, with them, it’s the blind leading the blind.”

my cuz needed to entertain his daughter one day when my girls were with their dad & i was at work. after brainstorming several activities, he chose a local water park i had suggested. i had warned him that the element of people that frequented that particular establishment were a bit “white trashy” and i was sure the carnies, themselves, must go there on vacation. when he came back & i asked him what he thought, he told me, “well, it wasn’t blue collar, it was orange jumpsuit.”

while eating dinner at the park my sister felt something cold on her arm. apparently,  our adorable 3 year cousin decided to rest her cheesestick upon it, to which our aunt, their nana, said, “honey, please don’t put your food on people.”

and adults say funny things too:

i texted my pal that she should google ShaToBu.com – it’s a calorie burning undergarment for chicks. she texted me back: “is that that whacky japanese animation porn? i had roomate who watched it and he was a pig.” i literally LOLed when i read that!

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5
Oct 09

not my mother’s cook book

pbj

i can be found most every night, slaving away in my kitchen making dinner for my beloved children. after much trial & error, i have created a vast arsenal of nutritious meal options. since i want to share my experience with new & fellow mothers, here are a  few of my favorite recipes*:

cold cereal

1. pour in bowl.

2. since you are out of milk again,  just give your kid the box. works well for when you run out of school snacks as well.

chips & salsa***

1. pour salsa in bowl.

2. open bag of chips.

3. give kid bag of chips & bowl.

ice cream***

1. get 1/2 gallon container out of freezer.

2. coat with sprinkles generously. use multi-colored sprinkles for extra vitamins.

3. serve with spoon.

(provides 100% of RDA for calcium, which is integral to young bone development.)

tuna**

1. open can, drain most of liquid, & dump contents into bowl.

2. scrape remnants out of mayo jar & combine with tuna.

3. mix well enough.

4. glob on crackers.

5. admonish kids not to get cracker crumbs all over couch.

pizza***

1. call for delivery.

2. eat out of box.

chinese food***

1. call for delivery.

2. eat out of containers.

microwave popcorn***

1. place bag in microwave.

2. follow directions.

3. pick out burnt pieces.

4. open windows to let out burnt popcorn smell & deactivate smoke alarm.

5. serve in bag with mint flavored floss.

(on shabbat: pour in bowl.)

frozen waffles

1. defrost in microwave until mostly warm.

2. hand to kid on a napkin because dirtying a plate is really unnecessary.

3. ignore complaints about frozen spots because bus in already in front of your house waiting for your kids.

chicken nuggets

1. get in car.

2. go to mcdonald’s drive through.

3. cave in to happy meal requests as long as it’s a different toy than last time, but insist apple side is chosen over fries to offset nugget guilt.

cheesesticks***

1. open package.

2. hand package to oldest child & direct to open wrappers for smaller children.

grilled cheese***
1. bring children to grandma’s for dinner.

soup***

1. open can.

2. pour in cereal bowl.

3. add water.

4. microwave until lukewarm.

(spoons are optional.)

peanut butter & jelly

1. turn bread over so kids can’t tell you are using the heels because you forgot to buy bread when you were at market today.

2. spread too much  peanut butter on each side of bread.

3. slop too much jelly on so it leaks out the sides (kids totally love this) being sure to get peanut butter in jelly jar b/c you are too lazy to get another spreading knife.

4. cut off crusts.*

pasta*

1. boil water until 1/2 ” depth is left in pot because you forgot about it.

2. refill pot & boil new water.

3. use random pastas collected from several 1/4 full boxes that have been left open.

4. overcook pasta because you forgot about it until you passed by kitchen to re-wash laundry  that you also forgot about from 4 days ago & left in machine.

5. serve with any topping you can find because you have no actual tomato sauce, while convincing children it’s international pasta night & that is how they eat in whatever country you can remember from 5th grade geography.

mac & cheese

1. follow directions on box & serve.

2. eat leftovers from pot while standing up.

crackers & cheese

1. give kid package of cheese.

2. give kid box of crackers.

3. show child how to properly tear proportional pieces of cheese & place on crackers.

4. get mr. clean sponge to scrub permanent marker off of inside closet doors  in 5 year old child’s bedroom that 8 year old knew was there for 6 months, but chose this one time not to tattle on younger sister. remove most of paint from doors even though most of marker remains. be happy anyway because she wrote ” i love mommy.”

go out to dinner

1. ask kids where they want to go.

2. go where you want anyway.

3. get your other slacker pals to join you with their kids.

4. seat kids at own table while you & pal sit at another & dish about your fascinating, fulfilling, suburban lives.

(this is my favorite, most used, & most highly recommended recipe.)

after you master these recipes, sit down with a vodka tonic in your water bottle, pat yourself on the back for nourishing your brood, and eat the leftovers while standing over the garbage can as you are throwing out the paper plates.

guide to asterisks:

*all recipes to be accompanied with baby cut carrots & side of tv.

**to be attempted by advanced chefs only

***feeds multiple children simultaneously

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