i have learned of 3 more divorces quite recently and as glad as i am to be participating in a very lengthy one, i’m still sad when someone else’s dreams of that fallacious disney happy ending have died along with mine. so, in the interest of public service, i would like to share my great wisdom with the young ones out there who are considering volunteering for The Life Sentence, and, maybe together, we can prevent forest fires. here are some of the proverbial Red Flags (or load of bricks on the head), i would have been prudent to consider prior to signing on for my indentured servitude and thinking, “it will be different when we are married.” all in my opinion, of course. any resemblance to actual events or people, living or dead, is purely coincidental…

signs you should not marry the jackass, not necessarily in chronological order, if:

1. you, the current girlfriend, are not only not invited to your boyfriend’s college graduation party, but asked not to come while the most recent ex-girlfriend is.

2. you ditch your friends on your 21st birthday to be with your boyfriend (for which they will never forgive you) and he gets “a headache” and you stay home all night listening to him whine instead of doing shots with your bffs & snogging random dudes in a sleazy college bar.

3. it is a regular occurrence that your boyfriend is MIA for hours and ignores your phone calls even though you had a date because, he “was sleeping and didn’t hear the phone.”

4. he wears sneakers with velcro on them and he is over 20 years old.

5. he is so obsessed with a suckass band, that his rule for deciding if he will marry you one day is if you will go see that band with him at least once and it would help if you liked it.

6. when your californian cousin that you hardly ever get to see (or insert any one of your relatives or friends) comes to visit and you plan to go into NY to party for the evening (or insert any event) and he comes down with “a migraine” that lands him in bed for the evening. well, at least you go without him.

7. your boyfriend’s parents buy his ex-girlfriend a birthday present after you have already been dating him for a year, because they are still friends with her and “still care for her a great deal.”

8. your boyfriend’s sister says, ” i always thought you were going to marry (insert ex-gf’s name),” in front of you.

9. your boyfriend of approximately 2.5 years breaks up with you when you opt to visit your mother in the hospital after her hysterectomy rather than going to watch him kung-foo fight, saying, “she’s fine. you didn’t really need to be there. you were the only girlfriend who wasn’t there. i just can’t be with someone like that.” (also, you will forever hate yourself when you beg him to take you back after 24 hours. trust me.)

10. he EVER speaks ill of his mother. or your mother.

11. tells you that you embarrass him in front of his friends.

12. thinks pestering you to the point of making you cry is fun.

13. punches a hole in the wall right next to your head during a conversation about his crappy behavior, because he is just “so upset he hurt you.”

14. refuses to marry you unless you live with him first.

15. right before you plan to move in with him (because you gave in against the entire world’s advice), he goes with his parents to buy couches without you. hideous couches you will spend the better part of the next decade trying to get rid of.

16. he allegedly tries to get you stoned every night so you don’t notice what a jackass he is.

17. has a tantrum because the new sheets you bought are “scratchy” and refuses to sleep in your bed until you wash them, so he sleeps on the floor.

18. asks you to pick the zits on his head like you are grooming an ape & tells you you’re “selfish” when you refuse to out of disgust.

19. your father comes to you weeks before your wedding and tells you you “don’t have to go through with it. i don’t care about the money”

20. he allegedly asks you to hide his pot from him in a lock box and then threatens to harm you & cracks the code anyway when you refuse to give it to him.

21. you have one single, tiny, iota of doubt.

okay, so you didn’t listen to me or, more importantly,  your own nagging fears (which you swallowed down the night before the wedding) and you married the jackass anyway (because, the wedding is all planned, you are already living with him, and you have invested way too much time in him to leave). here are signs that he will most likely be your “first husband.”

signs your marriage may not be going well, not necessarily in chronological order, if:

1. your husband does nothing for your birthday, which also happens to be on passover, in favor of going to a concert of a band he has seen approximately 59 times.

2. he takes your $25.00 hanukah check from your grandmother and puts it in the joint account.

3. he does not acknowledge your family members when they are in your home.

4. his idea of dressing up is wearing the button down concert t-shirt instead of the regular concert tee and therefore refuses to go anywhere requiring big boy clothes.

5. when you are visiting international relatives for the holidays and he works in a concert 48 of said awful band and leaves you and the children in the hotel room alone while he does so. oh, and he also leaves his wedding band in the bathroom. hmmm.

6. while you are in the aforementioned hotel room, you unintentionally find his alleged porn websites on his computer because he wasn’t smart enough to erase the browser history and what you find is so sick it horrifies you. you also find the alleged craig’s list prostitute ads he was allegedly perusing in towns when he was “on tour” with his crappy band and most of them appear to be from allegedly under-aged girls.

7. refuses to sit down to a home cooked dinner at night, citing, ” i can’t be expected to sit down to dinner every night. you are trying to control me,” even though he usually gets home before most people leave work for the day.

8. isn’t excited about your first pregnancy because when you told him he was “still mad at you from the fight this morning.”  and barely even acknowledges the second one.

9. hates all of your friends.

10. does not have sex with you on your wedding night because he is too tired from counting up all the checks.

12. you are vomiting uncontrollably before you have to leave for your flight for the honeymoon & he doesn’t even give enough of a shit to get you a plastic bag because he is going to hawaii with or without you, dammit.

13. he has an all out screaming, crying, flailing tantrum on the floor one morning before work because the cat barfed on his favorite rug. the one with the pretty animals on it.

14. he considers owning a porn collection to be his scared right & your objection to it to be “unsupportive of his needs.”

15. he allegedly smokes pot your entire marriage and refuses to quit even after you have kids because you are “trying to take something away from” him that “he loves” & you are “trying control him.”

16. tries to convince you that you are crazy, and says you need anti-depressants & blood work to prove to him you’re not at his mother’s suggestion.

17. throws the fact around that he was there at the hospital when you had a lump removed from your breast as a reason why you should be more sympathetic when his back hurts.

18.  he allegedly uses you as a drug mule for his pot by hiding it in your suitcase on a flight to new orleans and tells you just as you are walking past the drug sniffing dogs. his reason, “well, i have a [broker's] license.” which, to him, makes perfect sense since you are only the children’s mother and they won’t miss you while you’re in jail.

19. he allegedly hides pot somewhere in the car you are driving over the canadian border, without your knowledge, but thinks its a good time to tell you after your car has been searched. ditto that on another night coming home from nyc after being stopped by the po po at a parkway rest stop.

20. freaks out if someone parks on his side of the driveway & blocks his entry into the garage.

21. throws the coffee table across the room, damaging it, because you rearranged the furniture again and he doesn’t like it.

22. pretends not to hear when you or his kids are speaking to him.

23. he allegedly takes all of your painkillers for recreational use after you have agonizing wisdom tooth removal so you do not have them when you are writhing in pain and actually need them.

24. hits a deer & wrecks the car the night you return home form your honeymoon, but gets mad at you “for being upset about the deer” and not “supporting” him.

25. thinks it’s fine for you to take the garbage out when you are 8 months preggers. at night.

26. you suspect at any time your husband might allegedly be a sociopath or at the very least a mental patient.

25. treats you like anything less than his beloved & treasured partner in life.

oh, i could go on, for pages,  but i think that covers most of your basic warning signs.

but, i’m not bitter. really.

more random & fascinating confessions most of which my mom shouldn’t read:

i am a major underachiever & huge procrastinator, but i did pretty well in school anyway. i am more of a street smarts, common sense kind of girl, but i always wonder what amazing things i would have accomplished had i truly applied myself. although, my english scores were very high, i was in basic skills math & retard science. i still struggled in those too. eventually i grew boobs and said fuck it.

i may have once slept with a mafia don. i am not investigating any further.

i stalked a boy in high school. okay, several. on foot. with binoculars.

uncle buck is my all time favorite movie. i named one of my daughters after one of the characters.

it’s not the posting of unearthed sex tapes or naked pictures (both of which i have never wittingly submitted to) on the web that concerns me. it’s if my gut looks fat or if you can see the cottage cheese on my ass that truly worries me.

i  find the smell of beer on a man’s breath to be sexy. that is really warped.

i still have all of my sticker albums. the stickers are in MINT condition. most still in original packaging.

when i get mad i shop. take that visa! i shopped a lot during my crappy marriage. this did not help my crappy marriage at all, but i have a kickin’ wardrobe.

i obsessively use the notes app on my phone to remember song lyrics so i can google them later to get the title & download them for my ipod.

i started a female pant suit revolution at my first job fresh out of college in 1993. i have authority issues. they breathed a sigh of relief when i quit. i am not meant for corporate life.

when i was 21, i came home late from a date & i busted my dad smoking pot. we went into the house & he sat on the bed of my childhood room while i lectured him on the evils of its usage. for an hour.

i worked at the freehold raceway mall before it opened to set up the gap there. when it opened they hired all new people. working at the gap sucks. i still fold my jeans the way i was taught.

as a teenager & into college, i shoplifted from mostly any retail establishment for which i worked. i found it to be quite a thrill. i totally understand winona rider.

when i was a freshman in college, i briefly dated a high school senior. i went to his prom.

sometimes i wonder if the people on billboards look familiar to me because i actually know them or just from driving past them every day.

when i watch really old reruns & there are old people on the show, i say to myself, that person must be dead by now. conversely, i wonder how the child actors turned out.

in college i peed behind a dumpster. several times. i also passed out on the floor of the girl’s bathroom in my freshman dorm after puking my guts out. several times. i drank a lot in college. i was nicknamed “booter.”

i had a major obsession with garfield when i was kid. i drew him constantly, read every book, and set up a residence for him & his girlfriend in my room. i had about 30 or so stuffed garfields & pals. i also slept with one of my stuffed garfields (& a nightlight) until i got married. i still have them all, but i am trying to get rid of the husband.

after college, while looking for a real job, i was a bank teller. since, i suck at math, my till was short often. i got fired. i still make sure all of my money is facing the same way & in order of denomination in my wallet.

i was an ugly duckling: i was born with one eye that crossed in & wore bifocals from 18 mos to 16 yrs.  my feet turned inward and i had to wear shoes on a metal brace until they faced out. i was never allowed to sit “indian style.” when i was 12, i was diagnosed with minor scoliosis. i cleaned up nice though.

i used to get spontaneous bloody noses from allergies as a kid without warning. this was a fun party trick and most endearing to the hostesses.

at the end of my senior year of high school, a bunch of my friends & i stole a street sign with my name on it by knocking it down with a baseball bat. we were unaware that this was a felony. i still have it displayed in my home.

i had a “valley girl” sleepover party for my 13th birthday. everybody had to dress like valley girls & talk that way. i was like, oh my gawd, a huge dork.

mere days after i got my license and brandy new honda civic, i smashed it into a car that was pulling out of a parking spot at woodbridge mall because i gunned the gas instead of the stomping on the brakes. my bff was in the car. after the information exchange with the bewildered driver, we still went shopping. i bought a pair of sneakers which i then returned a week later but i made my mom drive me. it was years before i ever drove back there. the woman said to my dad, “meester, i don know where she came from.” my crazy bff still drove all over the place with me.

the manner in which i lost my virginity would most certainly be considered date rape today. it was over 21 years ago & i still have not forgiven that guy. i most likely never will.

surgeries: age 12: 8 molars removed age 15: nose job, age 18: 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed, age 21: breast reduction, age 30 & 33: 2  c-sections. age 35: lumpectomy (benign, thank god) age 36: corrective eye surgery for the cross. i sincerely hope i am done.

i secretly love lite fm. i have an entire playlist on itunes. i know all the words to most of the songs. brandy & wildfire are in my top 10.

i LOVE guinea pigs. i had 2 as a kid before it was cool to own them. i had a sleepover with my childhood bff & let “miss piggy” run around in her sleeping bag. the pig left many “gifts.” her mom was not pleased. the modern day guinea pig cult following pleases me to no end. i got not 1, but 2 for my kids when the divorce started. $200 later i realized they are cute, but a pain in the ass to take care of when you live immigrants style in a tiny room with 2 other small people. my kids lost interest in the piggys & i gave them away on craig’s list after 2 months. i still feel guilty & hope they are living happy little guinea pig lives. now i just collect guinea pig books & leave it at that.

my best friend in high school and i spent hours after school cataloging every possible way we wanted to be kissed. we didn’t have boyfriends, but we once hooked up in a foursome situation, latter dubbed “switcheroo with ____ & sue.” i was thrilled until i figured out they just both wanted to hook up with her and i was a mercy killing. she was & still is way hot, no matter how many kids she pops out. you know who you are, bitch.

when i 20 years old and flying home from UF for the holidays one year, i sat next this weird artsy couple. i had the window seat and was essentially trapped. the lady grabbed my hand & said she did “readings” and proceeded to read my palm without my consent. she told me that when i was 40 i would have a major illness but i would recover. i have obsessed about it ever since. when i was 36 & had a lump removed from my breast, and i wondered if that was the illness of which she spoke, but i couldn’t be sure. i have 2 more years to worry about it. so now i fear, “what if i am going through this terrible divorce (14 mos so far) and then i die (god forbid) or the world ending prophecies are true and i never get to enjoy my freedom?” sigh. i am sure she has long since forgotten me & that plane ride, but here i am 17 years later still worrying. it made me realize that you can have a lasting impact on people, positive or negative, long after you have moved on. so be more responsible, you crazy palm readers.

last year, i went on  a date with a 25 yr old. during dinner he got carded and i didn’t. i then strongly suspected he was not even 21. i went back to his dorm room anyway. i was curious.

i have had at least 13 different jobs i can remember & sucked at all of them. in no particular order: ceramics assistant at a camp   (i spilled an entire bag of slip), babysitter (i got nail polish all over someone’s table), grocery store cashier (before the days of scanners), marty’s shoes store clerk, gap sales person, gap kids saleperson ( hello, may i help you find a size?), secretary (for a day – i left after lunch & never returned), bank teller ( we know how that went), payroll sales person at ADP ( i  faked most of my sales numbers), interior design assistant (i helped her organize by throwing out most of her source materials), wallpaper/window treatment sales person inside a paint store (i prayed i got the measurements correct when it was time for pickup/installation), pharmaceutical sales rep ( i was terrified of the office staff & drs. & my main drug was a market dog), psychological study research assistant ( i fudged all of my “research” for some poor dude’s thesis), & interior designer of my own ‘firm” for 11 months (when i was 9 months preggers, i had to sue my very first clients for stopping a check. the entire endeavor actually cost us money. i gladly gave up that empire soon after the first baby came).

when i was 10, i became completely obsessed with puberty & getting my period. i had an entire “starter kit” full of the proper materials under my bed that was ready to go when the time came (it sat dormant for 5 years). i studied the book, what’s happening to me, way before anything was actually happening to me. i still own it. i was actually happy when i sprouted 2 armpit hairs one day. i did flips when i got a giant bush (subsequently, i became a fastidious groomer way ahead of my time when i discovered i could do neat tricks with a hair clipper). i was a strange child.

i have a problem with honesty. too much of it. this why i tell you people all of this crap that is better kept to myself. i most likely have a weird need for self-deprecating attention.

baby hershey, pig #1. way cute.

cuddles, pig #2. also way cute.