Posts Tagged: reality show

one liners- hey it's easy / Uncategorized — No Comments
5
Nov 10

PBS

screw blondes – bad girls have more fun.

good girl, bad girl – it’s really all a matter of perspective.

so i have replaced wine with chocolate, but i think i have to go to pills next – no calories.

writing inspiration always strikes when i am in bed – after all, it is where i do my best work…

as far as dating goes, i think i may be a seller in a buyer’s market…

so far there is no major difference between having the cat around the house and having a husband: he sheds, eats anything i give him, doesn’t clean up after himself,  licks me only occasionally, marks his territory by peeing where he’s not supposed to, doesn’t come when i call, hides to avoid activities he doesn’t want to do, and ignores me until he wants something. nice thing is, i can neuter this guy and give him away if i get tired of him.

i enjoy a romp with my battery powered friend before i go to sleep. but after being surprised i took a 4 hour nap the other day, a friend suggested that i not set my vibrator to stun…

you know, honestly, i didn’t want to get a cat at all, but it has given me a lot of new material – i have tapped into a whole new subject area since i can make endless double entendre pussy references now.

i have a friend who is a martha stewart of sorts and i just feel so inadequate around her – she really inspires me to want to do & be so much more…i have decided to stop hanging around her.

i was all set to go out to today and run a bunch of errands but then i realized i had so many unfinished things to take care of around the house – a bag of potato chips, a box of chocolate, and a bottle of wine.

i thought The Headache Excuse was completely bogus until i had one the other night -  i wouldn’t even do myself.

just how long have you let yourself go when you have to put “shower” on your To Do list?

my dating life is a train wreck and i am the unlicensed engineer.

The Biggest Loser is not only a reality show, but who contacts me online.

i am ready to dive back into the dating pool, but since there is no lifeguard, i am going to wear my floaties this time.

for some men condoms aren’t an option, you need a full wet suit.

thank goodness we educate new mothers about the possibility of post-partum depression after birth – but shouldn’t we do the same for new wives about post honeymoon depression after the wedding?

note to unworthy men: sometimes we fuck you because we have nothing else to do & we are just bored.

my resolve to get things done tomorrow is always so much stronger today.

i was at my friend dana’s house eating gas inducing hibachi leftovers and i asked her if she minded if i farted. she said, “no, but i just don’t want it to smell.”

i was immensely flattered to find out several of my friends must delete my texts.

dating has totally made me get why strippers hate men.

i was contacted by a hot greek man online. i began to respond, but remembered i had to do the proper background check first and google greek penis size first.

i think the problem with the dating pool might be that it’s only stocked with flounders & guppies and i’m a shark.

i would stop drinking, but nothing fun ever happens when i’m sober.

there are no alcohol bottles in my house – they are all outside in the recycle bin.

go ahead – jump in feet first into the sea of online dating – but wear a life vest.

i wish i could dvr my life – fast forward to the end of the work day, delete things i don’t like, watch the good parts of my day over & over again, generally avoid anything distasteful, and most importantly, set the frequency for sex.

i actually did give up drinking for awhile and i realized something very important: sobriety is greatly overrated.

my pal, jenna, & i poop at the same time every day (yes, sadly we discuss this) – some women synch their periods, we synch our bowels.

whatever i catch in the dating pool, must be thrown back – i am beginning to think it’s the bait…

being a lil’ bit crazy, but basically functional is fine, but being a batshit nutjob and wandering about free in the world should require some sort of identification be worn at all times so the rest of us have fair warning.

lice is going around the school. i worried about catching it until i found out they prefer to take residence in clean hair.

i’d like to see a female wrestler called The Ex-Wife kicking ass – or better yet, a super hero: among her powers would be the ability to make any deadbeat ex-husband pay up immediately and then banish him to a tower of isolation for eternity.

my girls have a problem with PBS: Pre-Bitch Syndrome.

i want to keep letting my hair grow until it’s past my boobs. question is, with a bra on or off? this obviously determines the amount it still has to go.

i don’t do name tags. chances are if i didn’t give a shit who anyone was before i knew their name, i’m not gonna start at a fucking corprorate cocktail hour. do adults who are capable of actual speech, remembering their own names, & controlled muscle movement really need to wear these things to break the proverbial ice? and, furthermore, it’s a good bet that i don’t want to be identified later…

conversation at work with cool boss:

boss: “do you think you will get married again?”

me: “no way!”

boss: “well, you are kind of negative about men.”

me: “wow, thanks for pointing that out – that’s a major breakthough.”

recently the girls & i were invited to dinner at their friend’s house. while helping clean up, i opened the fridge to put the leftovers away and the inside just looked so odd to me. i couldn’t put my finger on why until i realized it was full.

while totally warranted, bitter is such an ugly word used to describe me – i prefer tangy.

i have tried to be less lazy, but i’m just not that motivated do anything about it.

i have tried to be less high maintenance, but i just have so many needs to be met.

my cousin was hit on by a hot married woman who explained that her husband is a quadripalegic and they have “an arrangement.” cuz wasn’t sure he wanted to cross over to the dark side (something about morals), but, i, of course, advised him to go for it. he said, “ok, but if she pulls into the driveway in a wheel chair equipped van, that’s where i draw the line.”

it has recently occurred to me, i may be one of “those people.”

popping zits & bubble wrap: universally satisfying.

text conversation with a suspected jackass i had only been texting with for a few days, that even i found offensive:

jackass: “i am in manalapan, do you want to get spanked?”

me: “you have to be kidding me.”

jackass: “nope”

me: “i wonder if your dick is as big as your balls.”

jackass: never heard from again.

me: :-)

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13
Jan 10

reality, bites!

so, i have just emerged from the cozy cocoon of a sick child who has been home for two days. the doc confirmed it was just a stomach virus and not The Swine. thank jeebus. i am developing a very close relationship with the pediatrician this year; averaging a sick visit with one child or another every 30ish days. poor lil thing felt so crappy all she did was lay in my bed and watch tv for 2 days. and of course, i being her loving mother, was more than thrilled to put everything on hold and sit and watch tv with her for 2 days. i discovered an entire world i have been missing – Daytime Reality TV. it’s generally reserved for the homebound, insane, house arrested, and unemployed, but we found a whole new slew of shows to dvr. we enjoyed The Style Network the most & its myriad of shows designed to break already low self-esteemed women down further by telling them their entire life sucks, their friends agree, and all they need to fix it is a makeover. thus, confirming their deepest fears that all that matters is how you look. then these newly fabulous empowered creatures are booted back to their crappy lives with to die for designer clothes they really could never afford, a hairstyle never to be replicated again, and a face full of expertly applied “natural” makeup that once washed off will turn back into blue eye shadow & glitter eyeliner. all with an “atta girl” sprinkled on top. since i now know all of womankind’s problems can be solved with a makeover, i have applied to be on the show…

anyway, all this “reality” inspired me to come up with my own reality shows, based on actual Reality.

here is the svw network’s spring 2010 lineup in development:

Unshowered

follow the deterioration of  extremely well groomed pregnant women as they become new mothers and no longer have the time for the extensive personal hygiene they once did. see the true genius of the creativity put into looking clean, but not actually being so. while being held together loosely by under-eye concealer & massive quantities of caffeine, can they fool their closet friends? will the baby wake up just as she steps into the tub? can she shave her legs with a one year old dancing around the bathroom? will husbands who never hear the baby wailing  all night, “help” out long enough to let their comatose wives take a shower? will she ever stop silently weeping upon accidentally viewing old photos of the woman she once was? the dirtiest, hairiest, but cleanest looking woman wins a trip to the bathroom so she can take just one crap alone.

Preschool Princessess

watch a semester of a class of darling suburban 2 year olds as they spend 3 hours at a pricey pre-school. watch their mothers overdress them in fancy designer clothes made for dolls, not children, send them into a room full of paint and glue and admonish them “to stay clean” while encouraging them to have fun. notice the teachers beginning to crack from the stress of trying to keep smocks on these princesses so mommy doesn’t rip them a new one when she comes back. you will be on the edge of your seat when grape juice and oreos are served at snack time.

Pyramid Scheme Pals

meet 5 women with their “own businesses.” they sell everything from makeup to craft supplies to household items. explore this cunning underworld as they struggle epically to keep making “new friends” (i.e. network)  to host “parties” where they get these “friends” to buy tons of overpriced crap they don’t need and to get others to be a “rep” under them. all it takes is a few suckers with checkbooks & a bottle of wine for these enterprising women to barely cover their initial outlay for “the product” they are now housing in their garages. some will actually make money, some will be forced to liquidate and quit. see how they handle the constant alienation from the community such as “friends” hiding from them when they approach for fear they be asked “to host a party as a favor” or attend one where they have to buy something out of a misplaced feeling of obligation.

On Hold: India

watch as 2 teams of heroic men & women conquer their fears in this monumental adventure game. they must get on the phone with customer service reps in india and brave the eternal holding pattern of a person that needs actual product support. only the most finely tuned of ears, can decipher the code of what the”agent” on the other end who just learned english yesterday is actually saying. how long can they go without hanging up? many will try, but few will succeed. the winner gets to be transferred to a supervisor and wait for a call back that never comes.

So You Think You Can Text

see the trials and tribulations of texters trying to communicate with non-texters in this exciting reality series. feel their joy when their technologically challenged friends finally get it & join the rest of the world in this new endeavor. see generations come together in a whole new way that doesn’t require any of that pesky talking. share their ups & downs as they try to decode each other’s text slang and give birth a whole new language. watch texting wars and friendships crumble under the weight of lag time. hold your breath as they all text while driving even though they promised tyra they wouldn’t.

Lunch

follow a bunch of women through various stages of wifedom & motherhood as they lunch at a different locale daily. the great debate of what to order. salad or chicken? dressing on the side. who is dieting? who is eating bread? who isn’t eating carbs? watch a fight break out as  the carb eater spits in the face of the the non-carb eater & snags her bread. who will have the gall to order dessert? will the stroller fit? how do the other women handle the pal that is always rude to the wait staff or the friend who has obnoxious kids that make a giant mess while screaming for an hour? will the intelligent woman’s ears bleed if she has to listen to one more story from the vacuous ex-supermodel mom? do they all make it home before the bus? the victorious woman wins a lifetime of all expense paid lunching at nordtsrom.

The Great Race: Endless Supermarket Run

watch  5 harried women return to the grocery store day after day for that One More Item they eternally need even though they “were just here yesterday.” see them cruise the parking lot for a closer spot, load 4 fighting kids into the cart and endure long “express” lines with lots of crap their whiny brats beg them to buy while just trying to pay for a 1/2 gallon of milk.

Drive-Thru Divas

you will be glued to your screen every week watching 6 suburban women drive about town in their giant suvs. they achieve all of their daily tasks without ever leaving their cars. coffee, lunch, the banking, pick up the family’s rx’s, re-fuel; all while talking on their cell phones to each other and just narrowly missing side swiping the drive-thru windows.  this is a game of extreme skill and only the winner will make it to the end of the season with both side view mirrors in tact.

Suburban Sexy

track a group of gorgeous suburban milfs as they follow a grueling weekly grooming schedule of manicures, pedicures, fills, spa treatments, hilights, color, cut, style, waxing, laser, botox,  and tanning. watch the young newbie’s eyes pop out of her head when the giant russian lady gives her a brazillian she didn’t ask for. she how they beautify & maintain from head to toe and still go home to husbands that ignore them because they are schtuping the chick at the office. they don’t care if hubby doesn’t notice, because the cable guy sure does.

Death by Disney

in this contest, teams of parents are forced to watch endless repeats of some of disney’s most insidious shows without losing consciousness or sanity. they will be hooked up to monitors to measure the effects on their bodies while  dr. drew explains their failing brain activity. will contestants’ long term memories be permanently altered by disney sitcom stereotypes’ quips? will their heads explode on national tv? does anybody but disney really win this game?

Queen of the Gym

which exercise obsessed work out princess will win the title of queen at the end of this series? it will be hard for the hottest personal trainer to pick his queen. which fabulously fit chick has the flattest abs, biggest implants, tightest spandex, best tatts, tightest ass, & most strategically placed multiple piercings? only one of these dedicated ladies who is at the gym every single day for 2 or 3 hours can wear the coveted diamonelle studded weight belt. who wants the crown badly enough? which lovely lady is willing to meet the fat gym owner in the locker room after hours to secure her title? how many guys will she let “spot her” to ensure the win? winner receives  a swarovski combination lock and a lifetime of personal training. and we mean personal.

network execs may feel free to contact me to discuss further creative development.

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