so, i got a new cell last week because a certain asshat that lives in this house with me, who shall remain nameless, spilled water on my old one. but, swv, you say, “surely it was an accident. why would someone do such a nasty thing?” to which swv replies, “oh no, dear friends, i assure you, it was no accident. i spied the alleged crime being committed out of the corner of my little eye.” i got cocky and was silly enough  to try to live like a free person in my own home and left the phone unattended during the kitchen webcast for nary a moment, when i heard water being poured and turned my head in time to witness the murder of my beloved phone. we had a lot of good times together, that phone and i. oh the stories it could tell about the b part of gggb. sigh. anyway, you know, its not like i haven’t fantasized about the destruction of the hat’s personal property myself. a nasty divorce makes petty bedfellows when you are forced to live together for oh, approximately 21 looonnng months now (not that i am counting). i would just love to accidentally pour orange juice on the webcam, accidentally run over his cell phone with my car, accidentally destroy his laptop with lemonade, but the difference is, I DON’T. why don’t i? because i am what is known as an adult. not a bratty 39 year old child in a grown up body. because i am not a vapid, petulant, spoiled frat boy pulling pranks on my buds at the house. besides, can you imagine the barrage of whiny letters i would get from plaintiff’s of counsel, Mr. Spitty, to cease and desist? and the kicker is, that puppy was up for a 100 clam upgrade next month anyway. hmm, i wonder if i should just submit my receipts directly on the blog. okay, digression complete: i tell you about the phone because it struck me that getting a new phone or any new piece of technology is much like starting a new relationship.

one day it’s close to the date of your 2 year anniversary upgrade and you wake up and see the phone you have through different eyes. less starstruck eyes. it has lost it’s shine. it was great at first when you were both so in synch. but little by little you started to grow apart. she doesn’t look as good as she used to. the thrill is gone and you start to wonder what else is out there while you two have been cocooning at home for 2 years in a haze of texts and vodka. one day you secretly look at online phone sites. phone porn. you forget to erase the browser history and the breakup is inevitable. before you realize it, you find yourself in the market for a new phone. at first you are just discretely looking at your friends’ phones. what do they have that you don’t that makes them so happy? then you go out & start shopping around a bit. you find yourself at the verizon store alone or with a friend for support. you are at the singles’ bar of phones, and when you first walk in it’s so full of promise. it’s a meat market with so many possibilities that you can’t believe what you have been missing all of this time. you had an idea what was out there, but not like this. which phone will you will leave with tonight? they are all so beautiful. so many new & exciting features in so many different models. but you better find a phone before that scene gets old. still, you imagine all the things you will do together with your new phone. you will text without limits, finally use the email feature, use the internet, go on dates with  your fav 5 & their phones. you will always be together & take her everywhere. finally after what seems like so much looking, you find the one. your search is finally over you are ready to commit. you can’t wait to bring her home to show her off to your friends and family. brag on her and all the amazing features she has that your last phone didn’t. you smugly ask your pals, “do your phones do that?” it’s a new relationship just bursting with infinite futures, and you are happy and in love all over again. it’s perfect & exactly what you dreamed of. all the qualities in a phone you always wanted that your others didn’t have. she gets you, man.

the relationship progresses slowly at first. and as you unwrap her gingerly from the box, you promise her & yourself: it will be different this time, baby. i won’t ever drop you. i will never leave you unprotected. i won’t let anyone touch you. i will get you insurance. you want a cover, a 50 dollar bundle, extra battery? you got it. anything for you. i will never turn my back on you. i will always keep you close to me in your special compartment in my purse. you will never get wet (not like my last 4 phones). i swear. i will treat you right baby. with respect. i definitely won’t lose you at least once every day, uh uh. i will never overcharge your battery. what? what’s that i am shoving in the back of my drawer? pay no attention – its just a cell phone graveyard with various crumpled manuals and outdated chargers. i don’t care about them anymore. i promise to get rid of all of them. i will only read your manual, baby. it’s just you & me now. you will never end up there baby, you’re different, you’re special. and so it goes. you are pretty sure you are made for each other but you still have 30 days to be positive. you can still back out and return to your old phone if no one has snatched her up yet after you dumped her in that recycle bin. if she will have you again. she loved you once. maybe she can again. she wasn’t that bad really…

as you get more comfortable with each other over the next week, your new phone slowly reveals herself. one by one the protective plastic coverings come off. slowly at first, but then you just rip the rest off until she is totally naked. vulnerable and completely trusting you not to hurt her. sending that first text is like deflowering a virgin. “you’ll be gentle, right?  you promise not to scratch my display baby? you won’t get greasy fingerprints all over my shiney parts? i am not wearing any case today. you said you wouldn’t drop me. no, no don’t leave me here in the kitchen by the kids. i don’t like your kids very much and i hate your dog. you promised.” and it’s all so exciting, the discovery phase of the relationship. the falling in love. the software & layout are different than what you’re used to. the keys are bigger & softer to the touch. they are real. touching her even made you a bit nervous at first. she felt so different in your hands. it was a challenge to get her to open up, and teach you all her ways, but it was intoxicating. and as she reveals all of her functions, you learned exactly how to press her buttons to get the right result every time. and it is the heaven you imagined – she cuddles next to you every night and greets you with her gentle buzz every morning. you are a perfect match and for almost 2 years, it’s bliss until the contract nears it’s end and the new models come out…

when i had to pick my new phone i was overwhelmed – i clearly wasn’t ready to be out there yet. i looked over all the models at the store but didn’t take any home. i wasn’t ready to commit. it was so much pressure being out there. feeling so exposed. so i tried online dating, and after exploring a few possible matches, i ordered my new phone off the verizon website. ironically, i  chose the newest model of the phone i already had. it was just a younger, shiner, & better dressed version. the buttons were tight and unused. the were no scars on its body or display. it was just beautiful & perfect. so, in effect, i traded up for a trophy wife. i am sure we will be very happy together.

for 24 months.