okay, so the “happy divorce ™” card line (perhaps future e-card line?) was a hit. like bartles & jaymes, i thank you for your support. so, one of my best girls suggested the line could be expanded to include all kinds of Fuck You Occasions. why stop with Lunatic ex-husbands? i now realize the possibilities are endless and i am again inspired (still not inspired to finish a real post, but inspired nonetheless)…

roses are red, as a friend you’re the best, but you are a fucking bitch, when you pms.

rose are red, chocolate is divine, you were a sloppy drunk last night, we think it’s detox time.

rose are red, diamonds i adore, you slept with my boyfriend/husband, you’re a dirty fucking whore.

roses are red, there’s a cake called bundt, i have defriended you, because you’re such a goddamn cunt.

rose are red, love is usually fleeting, you’re fired you moron, because you missed the staff meeting.

roses are red, some peppers are mild, you better tell your wife soon, that i am pregnant with your child.

rose are red, your chic restaurant is hip, but the service was so bad, i am leaving no tip.

roses are red, the 80′s were rad,  but its 2009 now, and that haircut is just plain bad.

rose are red, facebookers like to chat, your husband/boyfriend propositioned me online, because he is a fucking rat.

roses are red, hay goes in bales, stop pressing send, and forwarding me those asinine emails.

roses are red, some eggs are runny, it’s time you knew, your dumb-ass jokes never were funny.

roses are red, lawnmowers cut grass, have you turned around lately, and seen the size of your ass?

roses are red, bozo was a clown, you are looking just like him, put the makeup brush down.

roses are red, the public is beggin’, no more fat thighs, in those scary tight leggins’

rose are red, some grapes are red, i may go to hell, but i sincerely hope you drop dead.

roses are red, swines have the flu, you’re the worst fucking boss, and i hate you.

roses are red, peaches have a pit, this job fucking sucks, and now i shall quit.

roses are red, kittens are cute, get your ass to the salon, you have 2 inches of roots.

roses are red, where is waldo, i am pleased to tell you, you’re getting quite baldo.

roses are red, i am feeling quite smug, to be the one to tell you, we all know it’s a bad rug.

roses are red, i have a feeling, you haven’t realized how much, your hairline’s receding.

roses are red, edward is a vamp, the whole town knows, your daughter is a little tramp.

rose are red, your bratty kid is a punk, the only way i can be with your family, is to get completely drunk.

roses are red, florida is warm, i will kill your dog, if he doesn’t stop crapping on my lawn.

roses are red, some people read books, i am not coming to for dinner anymore, because you’re a horrible cook.

roses are red, still water runs deep, no more nice presents for you, because you’re so fucking cheap.

roses are red, ducks like to quack, don’t ever call me again, since you really suck in the sack.

roses are red, pavement is black, i am finally breaking up with you, so hit the road jack.

roses are red, watch out for broken glass, it’s time for you to go, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

roses are red, pens have ink, go take a shower, because you fucking stink.

rose are red, peanut butter loves jelly, go brush your teeth, cause your breath is so damn smelly.

roses are red, the suns sets at night, go clean your messy room child, before i set it alight.

roses are red, carnations are pink, i will skin you alive, if you leave your dishes in the sink.

roses are red, monty python eats spam, that slut over there, slept with your man.

roses are red, green is the clover, i am tired of you bitch, our friendship is over.

roses are red, dogs have fleas, i never want to see you again, lose my number please.

roses are red, roaches are vile, i stopped listening to you whine, for quite a long while.

roses are red, leaves grow on trees, i ain’t gonna forget, about that money you owe me.

roses are red, bunnies like to hop, pull your pants up, and cover that huge muffin top!

roses are red, baseball players spit, so sorry to hear, you just can’t take a shit.

roses are red, moles like to dig, your armpits are soaked, because you sweat like a pig.

roses are red, i used to have slinkies, your fat rolls are growing, put down the twinkies!

roses are red, vodka is taxed, you look like a dude, time to get your lip waxed.

roses are red, i must beg your pardon, but if you ever want to get head,  you must tend your garden.

roses are red, babies eat mush, you can’t wear a bikini, unless you shave your giant bush.

roses are red, teenagers get zits, put on a bra, we don’t need to see your sagging tits.

roses are red, birds fly south, you nauseate me so, i just puked in my mouth.

roses are red, fruits drinks are blended, i could do this forever, but i think i must end it…

as soon as the papers were filed, The Head Mental Patient started assaulting, daily, my poor inbox with nasty, mean-spirited hate mail. i have enough to publish a book which i plan to name, “How to Divorce a Crazy Man,” or something along those lines. my response to his vengeful emails was normally to ignore them, because he is a manchild & really just wants my attention, and, they are, after all, the rantings of a madman. over the months, the emails would ebb & flo: eventually subsiding from my lack of attention and then returning when he went on a new anger bender from the lack of control he had over me. once in awhile i would respond with logic in an attempt to make his head explode. lately, i usually respond with, “sounds good. have a smurfy day, ” or “ok, hugs and kisses, sweetcheeks,” all of which make him foam at the mouth & me giggle.

of course, i forward all of these emails to my bfbff (swv lingo for boyfriendbestfriendforever), and after we catch our breath from laughing hysterically, we think of all the sarcastic, annoying, silly responses we can. last night was one such night, where inspired by a new resurgence of asshat rage, i waxed poetic. i would like to share my poems with you since not only are they amusing and are going to be a new line of svw greeting cards, but they make great filler until i finish all of my 1/2 done posts on other topics.

the svw line of happy divorce (tm) greeting cards:

roses are red, violets are blue, we no longer fuck, but i am still screwing you.

roses are red, you never had a clue, you were a really sucky husband, i’m glad i’m no longer married to you.

rose are red, you smell like dog poo, i hated every disgusting minute, i had to fuck you.

rose are red, you must be very blue, i’m taking 1/2 half the cash, sucks for you.

roses are red, giraffe’s necks are long, you have a miniscule penis, and i knew all along.

roses are red, my lingirie is new, my boyfriend fucks me awesome, hope you’re gettin’ some too.

roses are red, these sweet shoes are brand new, you made tons of cash, and i thank you.

roses are red, wine has a cork, you were an awful husband, and a giant fucking dork.

roses are red, your brains are full of goo, it was a horrible 16 years, happy un-anniversary to you.

roses are red, some carnations are blue, i always hated your mother, and your dad’s an asshole too.

roses are red, life isn’t fair, you are a hairy troll, here’s a gallon of nair.

roses are red, cows like to moo, you think you’re a ka-ra-tay master, but you can’t throw a shoe.

roses are red, this was the best decision, keeps the checks coming, or you will be imprisoned.

roses are red, copper is shiney, i want all the world to know, your cock is quite tiny.

rose are red, my boyfriend is young, your wiener is small, but he is well hung.

roses are red, violets are blue, you are a worthless human being, good riddance to you.

i’m taking orders for the holidays. personalization is free.