Posts Tagged: snooze

ponderings of a mad woman — 1 Comment
12
Jan 12

a lazy woman plans a shower


 


 

9:00 pm: finally got kids to bed, now i can do the laundry, straighten up, pay the bills, and take a shower.

9:59 pm: i’m so tired. i’m going to bed now. i will just get up an hour before i have to wake the girls for school and shower tomorrow.

10:00 pm: set alarm with conviction and pride for 6:00 am for morning shower and pass out.

12:00 am: wake up to pee. look at clock. awesome, i still have 6 hours to sleep before i’m going to get up to shower.

2:00 am: wake up to pee. look at clock. ok, i still have 4 hours to sleep before i have to get up to shower.

4:00 am: wake up to pee. look at clock. oh god. i only have 2 hours to sleep before i have to get up to take a fucking shower.

6:00 am: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:00 am and 1 second: omg, it’s so fucking early. do people really get up this early to bathe every day? it’s still dark out. i don’t really need an entire hour to shower and get ready. i have plenty of time. i’ll just snooze another 10 minutes.

6:10 am: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:10 am and 1 second: i’m sooo tired. why am i still so tired when i went to bed so early? i’m still good on time.  just another 10 minutes.

6:20 am: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:20 am and 1 second: why didn’t i just shower last night? i hate getting up early. i will be like lightening in there. i won’t shave today. another 10 minutes and that’s it.

6:30 am: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:30 am and 1 second: is that rain? yes it’s pouring. i’m not going to do my hair if it’s pouring out. i will wash my hair, but i won’t dry it. it looks ok when i let it air dry. (editor’s note: no it doesn’t. at all) i can do something cute with a barrette or a headband. i can work it. i just need to be clean, not fabulous. another 10 minutes and i can still make it.

6:40 am BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:40 am and 1 second: wtf am i going to wear today? i have no work clothes. i need work clothes. and i got fat again. how did i get fat again? i killed myself at the gym all summer. i looked amazing. that’s it: no more carbs. but i’m so sick of worrying about it. i’m not perfect. i’m a 40 year old woman. and i still look pretty damn great. i need to just own it. i will figure it out in another ten minutes…

6:50 am BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

6:50 am and 1 sec: i still have 1o minutes. i can jump in the shower for 5 minutes and get ready as girls are getting ready. shit, i have to make lunches though. fuck it. i clean up nice. this is why they invented dry shampoo – for invalids and lazy people. no, not lazy – tired people. tired women who have too much to do. tired women with curly hair that have to blow it out straight for 40 mins. well, no point in getting up now. might as well just take the last 10 minutes.

7:00 am BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP.

7:01 am and 1 second: i just have to look clean. no one actually knows i’m a disgusting filthy woman. let those sweet girls have another 10 minutes…

 

i’m unshowered on my facebook fan page too!

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the suevolution(tm) / true but unecessary confessions / Uncategorized — 2 Comments
2
Jan 11

Happy Sue Year!

like i said last year, i don’t make new year’s resolutions anymore because i know i’m not gonna keep ‘em. let me give you an idea of how this type of thing has gone in the past:

i resolved to eat better, so i had a yogurt for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and an entire pizza for dinner.

i resolved to exercise more, so i joined a gym, worked out every day for 2 weeks, and then took a break for 6 months.

i resolved to cut back on carbs, so i stopped eating bread and replaced it with pretzels, popcorn, and tortilla chips.

i resolved to drink less, so i replaced the vodka with wine, and later the wine with vodka.

i resolved to do more things with my kids, so i watched tv with them.

i resolved to date men my own age, so i slept with a string of random 20 year olds.

i resolved to be more assertive, so i acted like a huge bitch.

i resolved to communicate better with those i love, so i talked to them less.

i resolved to stay out of the malls, so i shopped online.

i resolved to lose the last 5 pounds, so i gained 10.

i resolved to take better care of myself, so i started going to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

i resolved to give myself more time in the morning by setting my alarm to wake me earlier, so i snoozed until i woke up late.

i resolved to let my hair grow long, so i stopped shaving.

i resolved to read more and watch less tv, so i leafed through catalogs while watching my dvr.

i resolved to be more patient with others, so i tried to convince my gynecologist to give me a prescription for xanax.

i resolved to save money, so i started picking up loose change up off the floor.

i resolved not to settle and to find someone who really gets me, so i got a cat.

i resolved to drink more water, so i added ice cubes to my vodka.

i resolved to floss every day, so i avoided the dentist for 14 months.

i resolved to take up a hobby, so i collected one night stands.

i resolved to get more rest, so i started taking sleeping pills.

i resolved to cook more for my kids, so i got frozen dinners.

i resolved to keep my house clean, so i hired a cleaning service.

i resolved to make some new single friends, so i hung out with my kids on their playdates.

i resolved to be more of a “morning person,” so i started drinking more coffee.

i resolved to be strong, so i cried in the night when no one was looking.

i resolve to make 2011 the year of The Suevolution(tm). so, let’s see how that goes.

like swv on facebook too!

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one liners- hey it's easy — 3 Comments
3
Jun 10

caffeine, booze, & undereye concealer!

the divorce is the first thing my husband and i have agreed upon in the 14 years since we got married.

i’m thinking about hosting a dinner party – my wine rack is empty.

people tell me i look a lot younger than i am – i think vodka may have preservative qualities.

it really troubles me how poorly my family communicates; but i’m not going to say anything…

not only are some days a complete waste of makeup, but they are also a complete waste of contacts.

i am so happy i had 2 girls – i can’t wait until we are all on the rag at the same time.

my kids are seeing a therapist because i prefer to pay someone to listen them bitch about me so i don’t have to.

in these past 3 months, i have been caught in the middle of more than one marital spat over paint colors. so, one day i cheerfully told a particularly angry couple that i get $9.80 per hour to mix paint, but i charge $325 for mediation.

if i don’t call back, don’t take it personally -it’s only because i don’t want to.

not only am i my own worst enemy – but i am my own worst pusher.

i am so organized, my items for curbside bulk collection were all sorted and labeled. i take pride in having the neatest trash in my neighborhood.

self involvement is extremely time consuming.

it’s not really the possibility of catching an std that worries me about sleeping with strangers, it’s more the being found in a hotel room dead and  chopped up into a million tiny pieces. i can just imagine that being explained to the kids: “well, girls, you see, mommy was a bit of a slut…”

when my kids tell me long stories i totally zone out. they never have a point anyway.

how much of a leap is it to make vodka from the decomposing potatoes in my pantry that i keep buying & forgetting i have? it seems such a waste to  throw them out. while we are at it,  what can you make out of onions?

for most women, me included, the supermarket is a major social event. it would really be helpful if they would install chatting & non-chatting aisles.

if you have girls, then motherhood is exactly like school, except the mean girls live with you.

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