so i knew the weather was crappy when i left at 8:30 am for my very first day of work yesterday (which i promise to tell you about in my next post), but since i don’t smoke, i used my breaks to pee; and i had no idea just how bad the storm got during the day and that cows were flying through the parking lot by 3:45. always happens when i pay no attention to the local “accu-weather forecast.” but never mind that, i needed to eat. my search for food only yielded uprooted trees and downed power lines which meant most of the roads were closed. when i got home by 4:30, i was starving & the garage door opener was not working which meant one thing: the power was out.
the girls were already home and pounced on me like cats on a drowning rat. it was clear they needed entertainment and there is nothing like a power outtage to show you how pathetically dependent you are on electricity for such:
let’s watch tv: can’t
let’s listen to music: can’t
let’s watch our shows on dvr: can’t
let’s surf the net: can’t
let’s watch a movie: can’t
let’s make some microwave popcorn: can’t
let’s play light brite: can’t
let’s do perler beads: can’t (no iron. “but, i can melt them together with the lighter for you.” “umm, no thanks mom. that’s alright.”)
you know nothing electric works but the habits are so ingrained, that we can’t stop trying: i must have flipped the switch in the bathroom 10 times before i realized i was just going to have to suck it up & pee in the dark. we complained incessantly about the lack of power until we got sick of listening to ourselves and imagined how much it would suck to be amish. then nightfall was upon us and we had to get provisions. we gathered all the candles we could find, the torch lighter, the emergency flashlight, all the batteries from the toys, and every single overpriced flashlight collected from all those kid’s shows i suffered through. who ever would have thought those would actually be useful one day: go forth elmo, dora, & wiggles car: light yonder way to the board games…
we gathered all the board games we could find: don’t tip the waiter, candyland, perfection, superfection, chutes & ladders, boggle, mastermind, spill & spell, & blokus. there is a reason these games are called, “bored.” because they fucking are. you try showing children who have lived with technology their entire lives how much fun it is to figure out if a mastermind peg is yellow or white using a dim flashlight or if the square on the candyland card is blue or green by the light of a shabbat candle. and it turns out a 6 yr old is just as sore a loser when you kick her ass at memory in the dark as she is in the light. after 30 minutes, we blew through all the games and were once again whining how bored we were. “mom, will you play with me?” “you want me to play more? ummm, is your DS battery charged?” i started to consider an early bed time. “you’re sure you’re not tired yet?” “no, mom. it’s 6:45.” i began to wonder if tylenol pm came in children’s doses.
there really is just nothing to do when the power is out. my oldest said, “we can’t even cook.” to which i wholeheartedly agreed, not reminding her a.) that the range is gas and b.) like i ever cook anyway. “here’s a box of black out cereal, kids. enjoy.” i couldn’t use my cell because i had 1 bar left and no way to charge it. i was getting desperate – i wasn’t far from sitting in my car in the middle of a monsoon to charge it off the battery. i couldn’t text. i had no one to have sex with (that would kill 20 minutes at least). nor sext. there was only one thing left to do: pour a tall one.
finally we all settled into my bed (i with drink in hand, girls with crumbly snacks) and decided to read by flashlight and candle light. i was down to six votives and the large shivah candle i got when my dad passed away. i carried it around the house like jack who jumped over the candlestick which is probably not what the rabbi had in mind when he gave it to me, but i know my dad would find that hysterical. i was praying the remaining votives would last long enough for me to finish my book – like the oil during that first chanukah. it’s a power outtage miracle. i had only enough candles for 1 hour, but they lasted 8! finally, i decided to power off the computer to save whatever juice was left and make my blog notes with an actual pen and paper, rather than on my new LG (which has already been totally marred despite my very recent promises to treasure it). last to shut down was said cell phone which was a very traumatic separation. one electronic device at a time i was admitting defeat and decided to go to bed when the last votive flame flickered out. it was actually quite romantic with all the candlelight in my room, but i had 2 roomates and no batteries left…
and all that time you are essentially stranded in your own house, you are thinking to yourself, “they will have it fixed soon.” we put all of our faith in this faceless “they,” but really, we have no idea. it’s just like religion. we fervently believe in something we have no proof will come to pass. and 14 hours into zero power, i imagined “they” said “fuck it. we’re soaked. we can fix it in the morning.”
in summation, i learned a few things about myself from the loss of power:
1. i would not handle solitary confinement very well.
2. i can not raise children without the aid of television.
3. i am electricity’s little bitch and i like it that way.
