so, i have just emerged from the cozy cocoon of a sick child who has been home for two days. the doc confirmed it was just a stomach virus and not The Swine. thank jeebus. i am developing a very close relationship with the pediatrician this year; averaging a sick visit with one child or another every 30ish days. poor lil thing felt so crappy all she did was lay in my bed and watch tv for 2 days. and of course, i being her loving mother, was more than thrilled to put everything on hold and sit and watch tv with her for 2 days. i discovered an entire world i have been missing – Daytime Reality TV. it’s generally reserved for the homebound, insane, house arrested, and unemployed, but we found a whole new slew of shows to dvr. we enjoyed The Style Network the most & its myriad of shows designed to break already low self-esteemed women down further by telling them their entire life sucks, their friends agree, and all they need to fix it is a makeover. thus, confirming their deepest fears that all that matters is how you look. then these newly fabulous empowered creatures are booted back to their crappy lives with to die for designer clothes they really could never afford, a hairstyle never to be replicated again, and a face full of expertly applied “natural” makeup that once washed off will turn back into blue eye shadow & glitter eyeliner. all with an “atta girl” sprinkled on top. since i now know all of womankind’s problems can be solved with a makeover, i have applied to be on the show…

anyway, all this “reality” inspired me to come up with my own reality shows, based on actual Reality.

here is the svw network’s spring 2010 lineup in development:

Unshowered

follow the deterioration of  extremely well groomed pregnant women as they become new mothers and no longer have the time for the extensive personal hygiene they once did. see the true genius of the creativity put into looking clean, but not actually being so. while being held together loosely by under-eye concealer & massive quantities of caffeine, can they fool their closet friends? will the baby wake up just as she steps into the tub? can she shave her legs with a one year old dancing around the bathroom? will husbands who never hear the baby wailing  all night, “help” out long enough to let their comatose wives take a shower? will she ever stop silently weeping upon accidentally viewing old photos of the woman she once was? the dirtiest, hairiest, but cleanest looking woman wins a trip to the bathroom so she can take just one crap alone.

Preschool Princessess

watch a semester of a class of darling suburban 2 year olds as they spend 3 hours at a pricey pre-school. watch their mothers overdress them in fancy designer clothes made for dolls, not children, send them into a room full of paint and glue and admonish them “to stay clean” while encouraging them to have fun. notice the teachers beginning to crack from the stress of trying to keep smocks on these princesses so mommy doesn’t rip them a new one when she comes back. you will be on the edge of your seat when grape juice and oreos are served at snack time.

Pyramid Scheme Pals

meet 5 women with their “own businesses.” they sell everything from makeup to craft supplies to household items. explore this cunning underworld as they struggle epically to keep making “new friends” (i.e. network)  to host “parties” where they get these “friends” to buy tons of overpriced crap they don’t need and to get others to be a “rep” under them. all it takes is a few suckers with checkbooks & a bottle of wine for these enterprising women to barely cover their initial outlay for “the product” they are now housing in their garages. some will actually make money, some will be forced to liquidate and quit. see how they handle the constant alienation from the community such as “friends” hiding from them when they approach for fear they be asked “to host a party as a favor” or attend one where they have to buy something out of a misplaced feeling of obligation.

On Hold: India

watch as 2 teams of heroic men & women conquer their fears in this monumental adventure game. they must get on the phone with customer service reps in india and brave the eternal holding pattern of a person that needs actual product support. only the most finely tuned of ears, can decipher the code of what the”agent” on the other end who just learned english yesterday is actually saying. how long can they go without hanging up? many will try, but few will succeed. the winner gets to be transferred to a supervisor and wait for a call back that never comes.

So You Think You Can Text

see the trials and tribulations of texters trying to communicate with non-texters in this exciting reality series. feel their joy when their technologically challenged friends finally get it & join the rest of the world in this new endeavor. see generations come together in a whole new way that doesn’t require any of that pesky talking. share their ups & downs as they try to decode each other’s text slang and give birth a whole new language. watch texting wars and friendships crumble under the weight of lag time. hold your breath as they all text while driving even though they promised tyra they wouldn’t.

Lunch

follow a bunch of women through various stages of wifedom & motherhood as they lunch at a different locale daily. the great debate of what to order. salad or chicken? dressing on the side. who is dieting? who is eating bread? who isn’t eating carbs? watch a fight break out as  the carb eater spits in the face of the the non-carb eater & snags her bread. who will have the gall to order dessert? will the stroller fit? how do the other women handle the pal that is always rude to the wait staff or the friend who has obnoxious kids that make a giant mess while screaming for an hour? will the intelligent woman’s ears bleed if she has to listen to one more story from the vacuous ex-supermodel mom? do they all make it home before the bus? the victorious woman wins a lifetime of all expense paid lunching at nordtsrom.

The Great Race: Endless Supermarket Run

watch  5 harried women return to the grocery store day after day for that One More Item they eternally need even though they “were just here yesterday.” see them cruise the parking lot for a closer spot, load 4 fighting kids into the cart and endure long “express” lines with lots of crap their whiny brats beg them to buy while just trying to pay for a 1/2 gallon of milk.

Drive-Thru Divas

you will be glued to your screen every week watching 6 suburban women drive about town in their giant suvs. they achieve all of their daily tasks without ever leaving their cars. coffee, lunch, the banking, pick up the family’s rx’s, re-fuel; all while talking on their cell phones to each other and just narrowly missing side swiping the drive-thru windows.  this is a game of extreme skill and only the winner will make it to the end of the season with both side view mirrors in tact.

Suburban Sexy

track a group of gorgeous suburban milfs as they follow a grueling weekly grooming schedule of manicures, pedicures, fills, spa treatments, hilights, color, cut, style, waxing, laser, botox,  and tanning. watch the young newbie’s eyes pop out of her head when the giant russian lady gives her a brazillian she didn’t ask for. she how they beautify & maintain from head to toe and still go home to husbands that ignore them because they are schtuping the chick at the office. they don’t care if hubby doesn’t notice, because the cable guy sure does.

Death by Disney

in this contest, teams of parents are forced to watch endless repeats of some of disney’s most insidious shows without losing consciousness or sanity. they will be hooked up to monitors to measure the effects on their bodies while  dr. drew explains their failing brain activity. will contestants’ long term memories be permanently altered by disney sitcom stereotypes’ quips? will their heads explode on national tv? does anybody but disney really win this game?

Queen of the Gym

which exercise obsessed work out princess will win the title of queen at the end of this series? it will be hard for the hottest personal trainer to pick his queen. which fabulously fit chick has the flattest abs, biggest implants, tightest spandex, best tatts, tightest ass, & most strategically placed multiple piercings? only one of these dedicated ladies who is at the gym every single day for 2 or 3 hours can wear the coveted diamonelle studded weight belt. who wants the crown badly enough? which lovely lady is willing to meet the fat gym owner in the locker room after hours to secure her title? how many guys will she let “spot her” to ensure the win? winner receives  a swarovski combination lock and a lifetime of personal training. and we mean personal.

network execs may feel free to contact me to discuss further creative development.