Posts Tagged: verizon

one liners- hey it's easy — 2 Comments
14
May 10

the circle of bullshit

i asked verizon if they have an “unlimited bitching plan.” they do, but it gets routed through india, and i only bitch domestically because, even though it’s cheaper, i can’t stand the offshore delay.

is it wrong to nap during a playdate – at your house?

i immediately dislike men who give women the fish handshake. don’t be an asshole & break my hand, but give me a real handshake & show me some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, dammit.

i have found a cure for the common cold: take 2 vodkas & sleep late in the morning.

what is it about the sound of children snoring that is so delightful? oh yah, it means they are finally sleeping.

how many times is it acceptable to wear a bra before washing it? do they really get dirty?

90% of the time i don’t wear undies to work because when i bend down they stick out of these damn low waist-ed jeans. now, i show so much crack, i am in danger of being transferred to the plumbing department.

i’m not bitter – just sweet n’ sour.

i haven’t gained weight -  i’m bloated.

a quick perusal of my dvr menu will reveal that i watch far more cartoons than shows with real people.

there is a saying: your toad, is a prince to another. so, maybe if you leave him in a pond in the middle of a forest, some stupid princess will take him home with her and then you can ride off into the sunset…alone.

ladies, please wax. don’t bleach. it’s still a mustache even if it’s blond.

i am instituting a tampon exchange program called Code Red. here is how it works: any woman can walk up to any other woman anywhere and just say “Code Red” which is universal for “i need a tampon, stat!” it’s like the take a penny, leave a penny dish but it’s need a tampon, give a tampon. imagine the implications for facilitating peace and clean pants globally.

i am tired of hearing people from other countries & states proclaim that everything where they are from is better. really? is it? because here’s a newsflash: we didn’t invite you. see if they will take you & the rest of the assholes back.

my children make unreasonable demands and threats and throw fits when they don’t get what they want, but i told them i don’t negotiate with terrorists.

i know a man who wears a bad toupee with a baseball cap over it every day. i just can not wrap my head around it. is the toupee receding? doesn’t his head sweat doubly? that is a vanity rivaled only by anal bleaching, imo.

cats: the chosen pet of co-dependents – you love them because they hate you.

i am considering having only one eyebrow tattooed raised because i just can’t  master the muscle control to do that on my own.

i think a manic episode here and there can be very productive.

a friend remarked that when people say they have to quit drinking for awhile, she finds it worrisome. i told her that’s i why i have never said i would quit.

people frequently tell me i look like patricia heaton. i am never sure if it’s a compliment or an insult.

an oft overlooked bennie of divorce is the fact that you no longer have to pretend to like your in-laws.

jesus turned water into wine but i can turn a bad husband or a crying child into a vodka tonic.

once i stayed over my mother’s house and came down with a severe case of the runs and had no choice but to violate federal law and use chlorox cleanups in a manner inconsistent with their labeling…

parenting is not a democracy, it’s a monarchy; and i am the queen.

when people of color come into the store, i give them extremely exceptional customer service – it’s a weird reverse racism, but i want them to walk away thinking, “white people aren’t so bad, after all.”

so far the divorce is the the biggest fight we have ever had during the marriage..

all of the experiences in my life have led me to be the person i am today: a huge bitch.

if wine is the nectar of the gods, then vodka is the juice of the mortals.

quitting the gym has actually unexpectedly relieved me of a lot of guilt: the guilt of not going was far worse than the guilt of not working out at all.

the average marriage lasts 7 yrs. the average jail term is 5; but, you can get out of jail early for good behavior.

when people say i am a bitch, i am flattered. it means i am doing a great  job of pissing off the right people.

youth may be wasted on the young , but middle age ain’t no prize. and since i just saw a man wearing a “senior olympics” t-shirt, i am now even more terrified of old age, although it does involve some sweet discounts.

i hate hitting bottom – the bottom of the bottle.

so, i considered having my teeth professionally bleached until the hygienist told me i would have to avoid coffee & red wine afterward. well, that was a very short consultation.

having kids means never you will never have to be alone again- in the bathroom.

hey! the 1980′s called and kit wants his car alarm back.  the rest of us couldn’t give a rat’s ass if its beeping.

i did that no carb diet – until lunch. now, i just follow this food pyramid:

so my daughter wanted to know what the “c-word” is. i considered telling her that it’s her father’s pet name for me since the divorce.

dr. gggb says: one nostril continually running is far more annoying than both being stuffed up.

having a litter box in your home is like having a toilet you never flush.

it has been said that if we all sat around in a circle and put our bullshit in the middle, everyone would keep their own crap. this may be true, but i would still like the opportunity for a bullshit swap meet.

grape juice is really just wine with training wheels.

substitutes i have used for milk in my morning coffee when the milk in my fridge has curdled: vanilla yogurt, powdered milk, yo baby yogurt drink, hot chocolate mix, powdered milk from 1974, whip cream, mini marshmallows, cool whip, vanilla ice cream, sour cream with sugar, powdered sugar, carnation instant breakfast, and anything powdery or white that when mixed with water resembles milk. it would behoove me to learn to drink it black – i hear you never go back after that anyway…

i never realized the true depths of my need for validation & approval until i started a fb fan page. 100th fan gets a pony…

make mine extra dirty, please.

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Uncategorized — 2 Comments
24
Feb 10

the trophy wife

so, i got a new cell last week because a certain asshat that lives in this house with me, who shall remain nameless, spilled water on my old one. but, swv, you say, “surely it was an accident. why would someone do such a nasty thing?” to which swv replies, “oh no, dear friends, i assure you, it was no accident. i spied the alleged crime being committed out of the corner of my little eye.” i got cocky and was silly enough  to try to live like a free person in my own home and left the phone unattended during the kitchen webcast for nary a moment, when i heard water being poured and turned my head in time to witness the murder of my beloved phone. we had a lot of good times together, that phone and i. oh the stories it could tell about the b part of gggb. sigh. anyway, you know, its not like i haven’t fantasized about the destruction of the hat’s personal property myself. a nasty divorce makes petty bedfellows when you are forced to live together for oh, approximately 21 looonnng months now (not that i am counting). i would just love to accidentally pour orange juice on the webcam, accidentally run over his cell phone with my car, accidentally destroy his laptop with lemonade, but the difference is, I DON’T. why don’t i? because i am what is known as an adult. not a bratty 39 year old child in a grown up body. because i am not a vapid, petulant, spoiled frat boy pulling pranks on my buds at the house. besides, can you imagine the barrage of whiny letters i would get from plaintiff’s of counsel, Mr. Spitty, to cease and desist? and the kicker is, that puppy was up for a 100 clam upgrade next month anyway. hmm, i wonder if i should just submit my receipts directly on the blog. okay, digression complete: i tell you about the phone because it struck me that getting a new phone or any new piece of technology is much like starting a new relationship.

one day it’s close to the date of your 2 year anniversary upgrade and you wake up and see the phone you have through different eyes. less starstruck eyes. it has lost it’s shine. it was great at first when you were both so in synch. but little by little you started to grow apart. she doesn’t look as good as she used to. the thrill is gone and you start to wonder what else is out there while you two have been cocooning at home for 2 years in a haze of texts and vodka. one day you secretly look at online phone sites. phone porn. you forget to erase the browser history and the breakup is inevitable. before you realize it, you find yourself in the market for a new phone. at first you are just discretely looking at your friends’ phones. what do they have that you don’t that makes them so happy? then you go out & start shopping around a bit. you find yourself at the verizon store alone or with a friend for support. you are at the singles’ bar of phones, and when you first walk in it’s so full of promise. it’s a meat market with so many possibilities that you can’t believe what you have been missing all of this time. you had an idea what was out there, but not like this. which phone will you will leave with tonight? they are all so beautiful. so many new & exciting features in so many different models. but you better find a phone before that scene gets old. still, you imagine all the things you will do together with your new phone. you will text without limits, finally use the email feature, use the internet, go on dates with  your fav 5 & their phones. you will always be together & take her everywhere. finally after what seems like so much looking, you find the one. your search is finally over you are ready to commit. you can’t wait to bring her home to show her off to your friends and family. brag on her and all the amazing features she has that your last phone didn’t. you smugly ask your pals, “do your phones do that?” it’s a new relationship just bursting with infinite futures, and you are happy and in love all over again. it’s perfect & exactly what you dreamed of. all the qualities in a phone you always wanted that your others didn’t have. she gets you, man.

the relationship progresses slowly at first. and as you unwrap her gingerly from the box, you promise her & yourself: it will be different this time, baby. i won’t ever drop you. i will never leave you unprotected. i won’t let anyone touch you. i will get you insurance. you want a cover, a 50 dollar bundle, extra battery? you got it. anything for you. i will never turn my back on you. i will always keep you close to me in your special compartment in my purse. you will never get wet (not like my last 4 phones). i swear. i will treat you right baby. with respect. i definitely won’t lose you at least once every day, uh uh. i will never overcharge your battery. what? what’s that i am shoving in the back of my drawer? pay no attention – its just a cell phone graveyard with various crumpled manuals and outdated chargers. i don’t care about them anymore. i promise to get rid of all of them. i will only read your manual, baby. it’s just you & me now. you will never end up there baby, you’re different, you’re special. and so it goes. you are pretty sure you are made for each other but you still have 30 days to be positive. you can still back out and return to your old phone if no one has snatched her up yet after you dumped her in that recycle bin. if she will have you again. she loved you once. maybe she can again. she wasn’t that bad really…

as you get more comfortable with each other over the next week, your new phone slowly reveals herself. one by one the protective plastic coverings come off. slowly at first, but then you just rip the rest off until she is totally naked. vulnerable and completely trusting you not to hurt her. sending that first text is like deflowering a virgin. “you’ll be gentle, right?  you promise not to scratch my display baby? you won’t get greasy fingerprints all over my shiney parts? i am not wearing any case today. you said you wouldn’t drop me. no, no don’t leave me here in the kitchen by the kids. i don’t like your kids very much and i hate your dog. you promised.” and it’s all so exciting, the discovery phase of the relationship. the falling in love. the software & layout are different than what you’re used to. the keys are bigger & softer to the touch. they are real. touching her even made you a bit nervous at first. she felt so different in your hands. it was a challenge to get her to open up, and teach you all her ways, but it was intoxicating. and as she reveals all of her functions, you learned exactly how to press her buttons to get the right result every time. and it is the heaven you imagined – she cuddles next to you every night and greets you with her gentle buzz every morning. you are a perfect match and for almost 2 years, it’s bliss until the contract nears it’s end and the new models come out…

when i had to pick my new phone i was overwhelmed – i clearly wasn’t ready to be out there yet. i looked over all the models at the store but didn’t take any home. i wasn’t ready to commit. it was so much pressure being out there. feeling so exposed. so i tried online dating, and after exploring a few possible matches, i ordered my new phone off the verizon website. ironically, i  chose the newest model of the phone i already had. it was just a younger, shiner, & better dressed version. the buttons were tight and unused. the were no scars on its body or display. it was just beautiful & perfect. so, in effect, i traded up for a trophy wife. i am sure we will be very happy together.

for 24 months.

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