Posts Tagged: vodka

NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman — 5 Comments
19
Nov 11

Once Upon An Asshat


i know i still owe you a “real” post, and it’s in process, but until then, here is a quick post of a bunch of my brilliantly funny single with vodka‘s fb page statuses, that most of you are missing because you are either too damn lazy, apathetic, or clueless to like the page. Some posts have been “slightly enhanced” (like every single star wars dvd re-re-re-release) because writing hindsight is much funnier and it’s not like you’re going to go back and compare. and if you do, suck it, and then ponder what you are doing with your life that you have that much free time on your hands.

ipod: check. towel: check. 32 oz water bottle: check. still feel like something is missing… oh yah, camel toe: check. now, i’m all ready for the gym.

i admit it: i bought the shake weight. it’s fitting that the “6 minute workout” music sounds like a bad porn soundtrack.

i am making a clean break from dirty martinis.

whenever i think i need a man in my life, i get some fresh batteries and in 2 minutes, i am over it.

i have a vibrator that is so good, i don’t scream “oh god,” but scream “i don’t need a man!”

what if farts had a color and the colors differed in darkness according to smell intensity? i think farting would have to be socially acceptable then.

faking orgasms is like eating potato chips – it’s hard to stop at just one.

roses are red, violets are blue, it’s been over a month since i got laid, so my legs i no longer shave.  (click here for the link to part 2: roses are red)

the go to revenge for all woman scorned: 1. the tiny penis revelation. 2. the admission of faked orgasms. yes, ALL of them.

happy hour: the hour when the kids finally fall asleep and you fall asleep in your freshly poured vodka tonic.

old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to find that it was quite dry. she looked round her bar, saw vodka no more & loudly did she cry.

“mommy, what’s the c-word?” “probably daddy’s pet name for me since the divorce.”

facebook is thoughtful enough to tailor the ad sidebar just for me every day: a dating site ad followed below by a divorce support group ad, followed by a romance a millionaire ad. what no vodka or AA ads?

days: 694. lawyers: 100K +. freedom: priceless. for everything else there is alimony.

you know what is so cool about divorce? you can tell your ex mother in law you always thought she was a c*nt.

so i heard there is this new shakeweight for men. i always thought it was just called a penis.

i always thought the story about crawling out of the bathroom window to escape a bad date was only a joke. but last night, i would have been the one telling that story had there only been a window…

sometimes the hangover isn’t worth the night before.

the hotness of the guy is directly proportional to the amount of booze you drink.

“mommy, can u play barbies?” “well, i was just doing some work”. “oh, so being on the computer and drinking wine is work?”

question: after casual sex with strangers, is it bad form to take the last unused condom home with you?

i am developing a new line of washing machines: they will have a Sperm Setting.

so the ex-asshat told me that i am a “liar, cheater, & a thief.” i told him he forgot, “bitch, whore, & mental patient.” i just hate an insult that isn’t thorough.

sigh – back on POF. it’s like a train wreck i can’t stop & i am the engineer.

gettin’ back into the dating pool but i have my floaties on this time…

there are absolutely no bottles of alcohol in my house… they are all in the recycle bin.

so i was gonna eat a mini snickers but then i thought better of it & just taped it to the inside of my thigh.

sobriety is greatly overrated.

i may have misconstrued the meaning of National Smokeout Day…

packing up a house is about as much fun as throwing up from too many dirty martinis.

i had to get dressed up for a meeting at work today, so i wore underwear.

I thought it was my new shower head but it turned out to be an earthquake.

i thought my life was a natural disaster until the hurricane rolled thru.

Once an asshat, always an asshat.

Possible book title: Once Upon An Asshat

stay tuned for my new sitcom in development: Dating With Spawn

today’s fortune cookie: You can’t polish a turd, but you can take most of his money.

It’s Vodka o’Clock.

It’ s 10pm. Do u know where your vodka is?

in my house, we watch Teen Mom for pregnancy prevention and Hoarders for mess prevention. Now if there were only a show for the prevention of dating asshats…

I like to think of the due dates on bills as more of a suggestion.

Sometimes a soft penis is a blessing in disguise.

20 year olds are for looking not touching. 20 year olds are for looking not touching. 20 year olds are for looking not touching…

so i started to give a shit today, but then i remembered not to.

the more men i date, the less men i want to date. i would have made a great lesbian.

Emergent Mulva Situation: have a date with a guy tonight and I’m not particularly sure what his name is.

Rifling through a guys medicine cabinet the next morning is a great way to glean additional information about him. Like his name for instance.

I really have to start using the garage – the neighbors are starting to track my one nite stands.

New relationships require an exhausting amount of impulse control that I am not properly medicated for.

Well that was a colossal waste of time…and clean underwear.

the change of season inspires me to go through the closets. this season i found all of the dresses i was was going to wear on all of those fabulous, romantic dates with a gorgeous oil tycoon after the divorce…so that worked out well.

There is nothing sadder than aging sorority girls.

the weight training is really working – my camel toe is so much more defined.

gf: “did you sleep with him?” swv: “well, of course i did.”

i’ve done the math: it’s not possible for a texter and a non-texter to make it work.

i don’t care if it’s raining men. let me know when it rains vodka.

i am to underwear as agador sparticus is to shoes.

i begged my ex-trainer to take me back, but he refused. my cellulite’s ego is hurt.

My hottest fantasy? It involves converting a non- texter into a texter…

ooo, baby, yah, text me there. you know how i like it.

Civilizations have risen and fallen faster than my current “relationship” is progressing.

A butterfly can not date a larva and expect to be successful.

Well, the second date may have been a bust, but at least I finally waxed my mustache.

According to a new study, drinking at home alone is hurting the economy… I’m sorry.

due to the recent downturn in dating events, i am now accepting applications for my Golden Girl House. the openings are Cat Wrangler, Housekeeper, and Bartender. Drunken Bitchy Slut is already taken.

I was going to friend request my college roommate but then I remembered she was a c*nt.

The sign at the gym about etiquette that asks you not to stare at other members during their workout was not up when i was there the other day…i AM making a difference.

so many sins to atone for on Erev Yom Vodka. where do i even begin?

some people throw bread in the ocean to atone. i threw ice cubes in my vodka.

I love when it’s so loud in the bar that I don’t have suppress my farts.

Just decided on my Halloween costume: Ghost of Bitches Past.

Flu shots? Nah. Let me know when I can be vaccinated against Assholes.

Flattery may not get you anywhere, but it will definitely get you into my pants.

What kind of man do I attract on match.com? The kind that lists “Playboy” as his last read. Awesome.

Bachelor Number 3 has a “few extra pounds” and goes by the handle of “Schleppy.” so, he’s a definite on the favorite list…

i was going to go as a Huge Bitch for Halloween, but then i remembered that i wear that every day.

I couldn’t figure out why my gf’s hair always looks so good and then I realized…it’s just clean.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, well the sex is really good…

so my cousin spent the weekend in vegas grinding on 21 yr olds. closest i got to that this weekend was grinding my coffee beans sunday morning.

My coffee date today was “described as handsome”…i’m guessing by his mother.

Spent the evening peeling off my nail polish. More fulfilling than most dates I’ve been on.

consider your bootay called.

it’s friday and you know what that means – a sunday morning that smells like spilled vodka and regret isn’t far behind.

what good is a booty if it doesn’t come when it’s called?

if i’m not into the guy who emailed me, but i like his hot friend in the photo with him, would it be wrong to email him back and ask for the other dude’s contact info?

I think the perfect place to host a singles mixer is the liquor store.

Sunday morning hangover cure: Bloody Mary over a mani/pedi.

yes, money and size matter, but the degree to which is usually inversely proportional.

i have a Do Not Call List for booty.

I can never tell if a man is just sharing his interests with me or trying to brainwash me.

It’s almost Bitchoween. I’m going as myself.

i’m giving out those little chocolates with booze in them for halloween.

Shhh…you had me at “Vodka.”

what is the maximum allowable human dose of advil before liver damage sets in? i prefer to do that with vodka.

there may be no use in crying over spilled milk, but spilled vodka is another thing entirely.

Things I should be doing now: paying bills, tallying up receipts of what ex owes me, laundry, dishes. Things I am doing now: contemplating if pineapple soda or pink lemonade will go better with vodka and why I’m watching iCarly without my children…

Bitchy Vodkaween!

Unless you called to tell me that I won the lottery, you’re offering me a job as head writer on my own sitcom, my ex is dead, or that I’m invited to participate in a medical study in which vodka and chocolate are miracle cures for everything, don’t leave me an f’n voicemail.

Just heard about a Christmas registry. If we as a society are just going to register for everything now then mine will be at the liquor store.

I’m placing the outstanding receipts still lingering from my divorce into a spreadsheet named: What Asshat Still Owes Me Other Than My Wasted Youth and The Best Years of My Life.

Coffee. Vodka. Wine. Excedrin PM. It’s the circle of life…mine.

8 y/o: why are you drinking red wine? Me: because I’m out of vodka.

Going to start weighing myself in kilograms.

I hate waiting for delayed gratification.

Dating sites should have a spot to fill in your car type and year. I need to know if I’m meeting a 1999 Saturn or 2011 Lexus prior to committing to coffee.

Makeover? No thanks. What I really need is an Extreme Do-Over.

When with family, you can drink or talk; but you can not do both at the same time.

Wanted: Hot trainer. Must be willing to be paid in gratuitous gropes, thong peeks, and over the top flirtation.

So does happy hour start an hour earlier now that we turned the clocks back?

Reaching maximum crabbiness in 5..4..3..2..1. And the guidance counselor said I would never reach my full potential.

Me: Aunt Flo will be here any minute today. That’s why I was so crabby yesterday. 11 y/o old: silent but with a pointed stare… Me: well, more than I usually am.

november 9th:

happy UN-iversary to me!

happy UN-iversary to me!

happy UN-iversary dear, swveeeeeeeeeeeeee!

happy UN-iversary to me!

I’m drinking some tea tonight. It’s a bitter flavor called “I’m Out of Vodka.”

a friend told me Google autocorrected “chin strap goatee” to “douchebag.” When the internet knows you’re a douche, it’s time to rethink your look.

i got messaged by a guy on match who says in his profile that he wrote his dog a love song. i can not compete with that.

It is oddly comforting to stand next to a man who you spent 18 years of your life with and finally see him as nothing more than a sperm donor.

Score for this week: Accomplishments: 0 Naps:3

Out of children’s tylenol. Gave grape juice and hoped for placebo effect.

There are a lot of things that scare me about online dating, but mostly it’s the uncircumcised penises.

Dating: the more you do it, the less you want to do it.

i am so in love with my tv, that my showerhead is getting jealous.

 

 follow me on twitter and like me on facebook too! yes, i already know how demanding i am and i don’t care. do it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman / Uncategorized — 9 Comments
9
Nov 11

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so, there have been a lot of new registrants to the ol’ swv blog and i am soooooo grateful for each and very one of you that is an actual human and not a spam site. it is not a secret i have been long overdue in posting, and i do have a bunch of half finished posts strewn about the place (i swear), but i’m always way to busy (read: buzzed) to finish one. so i thought i would just cut and paste a large selection of my wonderfully witty tweets here for several reasons: it’s still original material, it’s the easiest, laziest post ever, and maybe you will finally follow me on twitter and facebook. also, feel free to comment on the blog at the end of the posts like other real followers of real blogs. i mean seriously, sweet jeebus, people, i can’t do all of this by myself. if there is one thing the innerwebs and twitter has shown me, i am but a minnow in a huge online sea of funny, witty, and brilliant fish. and i am further reduced to one microscopic plankton in the whales’s gullet without a respectable following…

here is most of what you have been missing: (oh ,and yes, i’m aware the spacing f-d up. just deal with it.)

 

Dear Evolution: pubic hair is no longer necessary. K, thx. Love, All of Us.

I’m going to put off putting off things until tomorrow.
My phone randomly switches my contacts’ profile pix. It a major mind f*ck f to see the pic of the last dude I boinked next to my mom’s number.

Nothing says, “I’m single,” like simultaneously purchasing a handle of vodka and a 32 oz jar of minced garlic.
If I was meant to scrub my own toilet, there wouldn’t be illegal immigration.
I never burn a bridge. I blow them the f*ck up.
Dear Teachers: I went to school already. So F off w the home projects.
No, I don’t want to take a customer satisfaction survey. Let’s stick with the premise that you suck.
Oh hot men at the gym during the day, do any of you have jobs?
Starbucks is to caffeine as Phillip Morris is to nicotine.
Good night sweet vodka.
I’m trying to f*ck age appropriately, but the best I can do is a threesome with two 20 year olds.
Ok. Just one more…
It is just wrong to have wrinkles and zits simultaneously. I need to speak to customer service about this.
Grossly overestimated the amount of candy I needed. Sucks to be my thighs and next years trick or treaters.
7pm. Let the wineing begin.
I’m not divorced so much as pre-owned.
If everyone is going to register for stuff now, I’m going to register at the liquor store.
The weekend is officially over when the vodka bottle is empty.
My cat is humping my arm. I wish I minded.
I will always love her, but I will never accept my daughter’s alt lifestyle of being a slob.
Yes I saw you called. I don’t want to talk to you…or listen to your voicemail.
Lazy Sunday. As if that’s different from any other day.
Procrastination. It’s what’s for dinner.
My 8 y/o is defacing images of Beiber. Parenting: I’m doin’ it double right.
Got my 8 & 11 y/o hooked on The Office. Parenting: I’m doin’ it right.
Last night was very emotional: I cried over spilled vodka.
You lost me at “money isn’t important.”
we pinky swore we’d be Best Facebook Friends Forever. BFBF.
What exactly is the maximum dose of advil a human can consume before liver damage is imminent?
Finally. An evening worth waxing my lip for.
Who the fuck is driving me home?
I don’t look quite as fab in work light as I thought I did in home light…
I found a dentist that doesn’t floss. I knew it.
Just cleaned out the fridge. And by cleaned I mean ate everything in it.
my costume: the creepy lady who sits on her driveway in a lawn chair and hands out candy while drinking vodka
one day my prince will come…but he will have already have been someone else’s asshole.
When did it become ok to leave pee all over the seat? Whores.
I’m going to go Occupy Nordstrom.

No thanx. I don’t want to be your Uptown Girl.
once upon a time..i gave a shit.
Reunited and it feels so good: me and my nordstrom card.
Lovely to meet you, Mr. Bad Breath. Let me introduce you to Ms. Mentos. I will be over there- far, far over there.
Wearing workout clothes does not make you thin.

yes, your car matters. i don’t ride shotty in a hyundai.
Your booty is officially on my do not call list.
it’s 12:15am. calling all booties.
She said she wanted to lose 10 lbs and I was thinking, “that’s all?”
the weekend starts now – put kahlua in your coffee, vodka in your thermos, and a pair of clean underwear in your purse.
consider your bootay called.
I’m giving it 9 more years and then it’ s crazy cat lady all the way.
My favorite chaser? Ibuprofin.
There is just enough vodka to make this ok.
Vodka: Nature’ s laxative.
The first female leader of the Cherokee Nation is named Wilma Mankiller.
i’m bored. times to overbid on some useless shit on ebay.
It’s Yom Vodka. Atone bitches.
Somteimes a shower is just a shower.
I hate warm seats from strange assess.
I am the Penny of my workplace.
I can’t believe I wasted a pair of clean underwear on this guy.
And so I start another week. My spirits high. My vodka bottle full.

L’ Shanah Vodka.
I begged my trainer to take me back. He did not. My cellulite’s ego is hurt.
It would be easier to meet men at the gym if the juice bar had vodka smoothies.
First fight meets first rag. Concidence? I think not.

don’t text and drink: unlike a side view mirror, you can not fix it.
Can a texter and a nontexter ever make it work?
Dear 40: you can stay, but your friend Back Fat has to go

The amount of calories consumed is directly proportional to the amount of clothing worn.
What not ask on a first date: “so, are those real?
Dont go on the date if he’s not worth shaving for…
gf: “Stop looking around like that, it looks like ur on the prowl.” Me: “But I am.”
I just received the supreme compliment: rotlflmfao
The more men I date, the less I want to date men. I would have made a great lesbian.
it’s GNO tonight. alert the hos.
just had 2 years of tartar scraped off. i really need 2 start flossing.
if the simpsons have been on 4 a record breaking 20 years, y r the same episode always repeated?
15 voice mails: a personal best for un-retrieved messages. i can do better.!
is it me or does alpaca owning seem suspciousuly reminiscent of cult membership?
sick 6 yr old at home = refresher course of torturous disney shows. send help

.let me know when the caffeine patch has been invented.
i can’t tell if ex is brown-nosing or flirting with the math tutor (who’s a DUDE), but in either case i am actually embarrassed for him.
i admit it: i bought the shake weight. it’s fitting that the “6 minute workout” music sounds like a bad porn soundtrack…
9:45 am: begin 4 day master cleanse diet. 12:38 pm: end 4 day master cleanse diet. 12:55pm: lunch.

short list of stains on my carpet: ketchup, chicken soup, applesauce, barf, nail polish, ink, hand cream, yogurt, glue, gatorade, & coffee.
so wawa’s coffetopia featured flavor this month is brazilian. now you can have your coffee just like your bikini line…
i just tried to fast forward my dvr with my cell phone. technology much?
if women designed supermarkets, there would be conversation nooks in the aisles.
i have a feeling herding cats is easier than getting my 2 girls out of the house
curious what the tooth fairy does in the off season. her dust looks suspiciously like stripper glitter…
anyone have any extra elves to come clean my house while i sleep?
in a pinch (literally), can chlorox cleanups can be subsituted for charmin wipes?
merry EX-mas!
i just realized the reason for it all: the ex’s heart is simply 2 sizes too small…
redoing the ol’ resume. my last computer experience listed: proficiency in word/excel 97. awesome.
i don’t know the answer to the age old debate of who’s easier to raise: girls or boys. but i do know girls involve way more glitter.
today was a complete waste of contacts.
umm so, yah, i find storm troopers sexy. who’s w me ladies?

ladies, feel free to clip ur toenails IN BETWEEN pedis. really. please.
just found out there is a 5th baldwin.brother: schlomo
it is 12:30 am and i am eating american cheese on nacho doritos. doesn’t get sexier than this…

you know it’s laundry time when you have to go commando…
dear old navy: enough with the creepy talking mannequin commercials. please.
i just saw the cashier from wegmans shopping at shoprite. innerestin..
does cosco sell a vodka club pack?
when nerds reproduce, the result is exactly what you would expect.
told my 8 yr old i thought the transformers movie was awful & she said, “maybe it isn’t your genre.” oh snap.
umm. pretty sure this bar became a gay bar since my last visit. hey, prettiest girls here tho…

ed hardy makes vodka now. clearly he is trying 2 get on my good side…
u know u have an awesome boyfriend when he cleans the bathroom while making you dinner while singing to you while playing the gee-tar…
3 trips 2 DD 2day @ 3 diff DD with 3 diff levels of crappy service.
is there a 12 step for carb addiction? i clearly have a problem & need help
before u buy ur dog a snuggie for xmas this year, i urge u 2 consider 1 thing: dogs have FU*KING fur.
i wish people wuld b more considerate when im eavesdropping & have more interesting convos.
so my 2 rugrats sleep w me every nite. wouldn’t mind if they didn’t expand llike transformers when they do…
indications ur date went well: u singed ur hair on a candle flame, u went home with ur undies in ur purse, & u scored a sweet new t-shirt.
how does lowly worm steer the apple car? he has no arms. this may give u a hint of what i watch on elliptical…
things i am not watching while on elliptical: cooking shows, shapewear infomercials, anything related 2 exercise.
2 questions: what is the legal age for cofee consumption & y r there always so many tiny sox around?
how much do u have 2 suck at making cookies to be asked 2 leave the prep area by your 8 yr old?
i’m not sure when it happened, but at some point i became a “ma’am.” not the most thrilling realization.
ate my weight in tiny chocolate bars today. i have decided to embrace “voluptuousness” for awhile
ice cream cake + nacho doritos = halloween dinner. hits all the important food groups.

note to rugrats: unattended halloween candy will be considered communal property & dealt with accordingly…
my favorite mutant on futurama is definitely the leg with the hat.
ugly, but true confessions: i watched the lord of the rings trilogy, i enjoyed it immensely, and middle earth makes me randy.
i am now sure civilzation is ending soon: they have made dog snuggies…in animal prints. just stop.
accidentally switched my scale to kilograms. liked my weight much better. gonna keep it that way. i am soooo thin now!
i’m too sexy for this walmart.
the queen proclaimed, “the fat jeans are loose.” and there was rejoicing in all the land. ice cream for all.
the daily 8:11 am dilemma after bus leaves: go to gym or get back into bed to resume hibernation. adulthood is frought w tough decisions.
there is a gd colony of fruit flies squatting in my kitchen.
lost in corn maze: please send help & GPS.
deep thoughts: if u r a ups delivery person, the best gig has got 2 be dleivering inside the mall.
so is it fair 2 say ur kid is f’d in math when the tutor is stressed out & worried after the hour?
i luv how this chick on hgtv is painting while wearing a white t & jacket. puh-leeze.
cast my stones in the ocean today: i am ready for a fresh year of sin..
5 yr old eating candy @ 8:57 pm. seems like a good idea.
after close to a year of hard labor, i am proud & relieved to announce my completion of the twilight series. no more, ms. meyer. no more
just dowloaded phineas & ferb soundtrack 4 MYSELF. solid.
OMG. i literally split my jeans trying 2 wiggle them on. time 2 put down the oreos…
don’t ask why. just know that i am sleeping w a 5 yr olds foot up my ass..
you’ve heard of the 2 martini lunch? well i just had the 3 getting divorced milf lunch. no vodka, but just as entertaining…
does anyone give a shit about car alarms anymore?
i want to be a vampire like bella cullen. i know the first person i would eat.
as i was dragging my crabby child out of bed this morning, i was wondering if it would be wrong to give a 6 yr old coffee…
it’s fun sit upstairs at wegman’s & check out everybody’s roots. time 2 make an appointment ladies …
i am living in the middle of a shit storm & i have no tp.
just lost a nail pulling out weeds. this is why i am not domestic, people.
i just witnessed the purchase of a cinnamon broom. i am disgusted yet fascinated…
smuggled coffee onto elliptical again. lookin out for the java gym police. bright me if u see ‘em
hey suzy sprinkles, wipe the fu*king seat down after ur done. for god sakes. fn pigs.
i am considering opening a plumbing business called “The Crack.”
did u know gene shallot was still alive? his huge afro hasn’t aged a bit.

just spotted my first “the bump” wearer. she looks like elvira. not a good look, ladies.

is it wrong 2 heist booze from ur parents’ hopuse if ur over 21?
i am watching the biggest loser whilst eating a bag of potato chips. baked lays at least…
not sure if i am i proud or troubled my almost 6 yr old asks for hairspray every morning.
my almost 9yr just old asked, “was there even color (tv) in 1991?”
9 yr old girls: 15 mins in sprinklers outside. 60 mins showering inside.
what is it about a dude playing the guitar that makes u want 2 rip ur clothes off?
crap. the fat jeans are tight.
u know ur doing a stellar parenting job when ur 5 yr old does a spot on dr. zoidberg impression…
sis said my blog was blocked at work due 2 “objectionable tasteless content.” i have arrived…
8 yr old: does the pool close at 7 b/c the old people have 2 go 2 sleep?
i hate when people say “visually see.” what other way do u see? morons. i “aurally hear.”
a grown woman should not have potato chip crumbs in her bed …yet i do.

dear ed hardy & fans: it’s over.
most obnox woman in pedi chair nxt 2 me. they r so talkling abt her in korean.
back from chocolateville. my thighs arrived home shortly b4 i did…
PA people have a certain look. i believe it is called “inbred.”
cartoon netwrok is adding shows w real people now. i am not pleased.
if i see the same random peeps @ target every time i go, r they there 2 much or am i?
large group of crotchety old peeps at pool solving all of nation’s problems. listen up, obama.
my gf just told me the ringtone on her cell 4 me is “blame it on the alcohol.” DOH.

hey seating karma: u messed up. i am supoosed 2 b next 2 hot guy. not lovely chatty elderly couple.
the hotels in vegas should have a complimentary bottle of aspirin in each room.
i just got 2 vegas & i’m already down 25 bux in TSA confiscated liquids over 3 oz.
hate the mac. love their nerds. internet restored. faith in apple not.
morning sue & her dentist r gonna b really pissed at evening sue for eating those milk duds from halloween.

went 2 the gym. it was closed. eating pizza in my workout clothes instead…
being cut off from the internet is the adult version of being sent 2 ur room. cool stuff is happening w/o me.
i am not sure 2 flavors of doritos need 2 share 1 bag. i am sure i should not b eating them now.
caught up w an old pal 2day named nordstrom. we both agreed to continue 2 deny my shoe problem…
painful discovery: the size of the muffin top is inversely proportional 2 the skinniness of the jeans. sigh.
there is frozen food in my trunk defrosting as i do the elliptical. priorities. what’s a little salmonella btwn friends?
if i had harry potter’s invisibility cloak right now, i would use it to take a nap.how many calories does yenta-ing at the gym burn?
dear 19 yr old lifeguard @ the senior’s pool: it’s possible there’s no sadder summer job than yours
rockin the 2 piece at the seniors pool. i def have the best bod here.
dear sea bright: trouble is rolling into town tonight & bringing 9 friends…
u know that glue used for adhering samples 2 magazines that is like boogers? i f’n luv that stuff.
being old is not an all access pass to the front of the line. wait ur turn like the rest of us old biddy.
hey starbux, might i suggest renaming ur “kenyan gold” to “bowel blaster?” sweet jeebus.
public parks are really great cept for one thing: the public
.large DD skim milk hot latte + leftover mac & chee w hot sauce = happinessplaying mastermind w my 5 yr old. not only is she teaching me but she is kicking my ass.
food courts provide the most fascinating cross-section of humanity.
if ur actually deaf & reading the close captioning, how would u know what a slide whistle sounds like?
singing barbie. singing barbie. MAKE IT STOP!
the frustration w the continually crappy weather lies in the fact that Ma Nature doesn’t have a customer svc line in India u can bitch to.
note to cleaning product advertisers: we don’t actually wear a bandana on our head while cleaning.
i love how they hold your coffee hostage at the D&D drive thru until you give up the cash. must be a high incidence of coffee poaching.

i got the “no cash in my wallet, no gas in my car, no coffee in my blood blues.” my mornings are a bad country song.
you ever run into someone you deleted from your cell phone?
awkwarrrrrrd.ok who ratted me out? the jehovahs came to see me today…
i have now exceeded the daily limit of aspirin. i am not concerned since any liver damage will just be redundant.
whew. that was fun. sorry to all those i spilled on….
grey goose & club w a lime. who’s buying my first drink? no fighting. there will be more chances…
am i the only one who feels like a homeless person when u buy a bottle of wine & the dude puts it in a brown bag?
ipod: check. water: check. sports bra: check. camel toe: check. ready for the gym.
Extensive research has revealed it is impossible not to sport camel toe in work out pants.
who buys 150 munchkins and leaves only 18 chocolate ones for the rest of us? bastages, that’s who.
damn you instyler. damn you straight to hell. you shall go back to the tv dimension from whence you came.
i have 3rd degree burns on my forehead from my new Instyler. Clearly i am not a professional.a
another weekend comes to an end & my liver couldn’t be more grateful. rest up my faithful companion. friday is on the horizon.
have a stamp on my hand & i am sweating vodka. i’d say last nite was a success.
water. tylenol. repeat.

i just burned the back of my neck w my brandy new Instyler. this was not mentioned during the infomercial.
me so soggy. me me so soggyyyyy. this rain blows.
male math tutors that come to my house should not be young & hot. period.
instead of my alarm, i woke up to a duet extolling the virtues of poopy. truly a hallmark moment.
you can size up someone in 2 seconds by how they place their coffee order.
i thought barney was the root of all evil. turns out it’s hip hop harry.
would u like ur  morning 8 yr old drama w hash browns or home fries? ketchup w that?
“Hey, it’s Frankilinnnnn, the whiney insufferable wussy turrrrrtle.”
definition of slacker mom: sleep til 11 while kids eat cheese doodles 4 bfast. i am so gooood at this.i’m at a theater.
the bitch next 2 me smells obnoxiously of “fresh scent” tampons. anyone wanna switch seats?
8 y/o:: Daddy, you’re losing your hair. Me: ahhh, my evil plan is working. bwah hah hah.
Now accepting applications for personal barista. The money isn’t good, but the adoration will be priceless. Now make me a skim latte stat!
I am feeling tweetless:  Looks like I am far less fascinating that previously imagined.
i am so bleepin tired of putting the same things away. i had no idea motherhood meant being “the stuff wrangler.
who minds being sick when you can have a hot toddy? well, other than my overworked liver.
so back 2 the grind. Im a bit bummed. My liver is relieved.
Crap. The kids are home. Game over.Oldest Child: Mommy, you have dimples on your butt. Me: Thanks for noticing.
ate my weight in chips & salsa 2day& my guacamole blood content must b over the legal limit.
It just wouldn’t be morning without a fresh 8 yr old tantrum to go with my Folgers Crystals. Ahh. I am so fulfilled.
just realized i am watching sesame st alone. is it bad that i’m enjoying it?

Asked the kids at bus stop this morn how many days of school left, is it friday yet, and why didn’t u bring me coffee? daughter was not pleased.
I am being held against my will in an insane asylum called Parenthood State Hospital. Please come see me for visiting hours.ahhh. nuthin says monday like 8 am 8 yr old drama. “hey mom, welcome to ur week, beyatch.”
i wish i had a live-in barrista. my coffee really sux.
so oxyclean DOES get blood out…
why do supermarket cashiers always wanna chat w u about their 12 cats?
young duaghter: where do these (wings) come from? me: uh, u know those cute lil chicks u hatched at school? young daughter: oh. well they r delicious.
microwave popcorn: providing a viable dinner option since 1989.
i am still trying to figure out why having my kids with me for mother’s day is a reward…

 

 

 

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 12 Comments
14
Feb 11

astrokegs

today’s blog is brought you by the letter “Ohhhhhhhhhh” and the number 69.

there is this perfectly coiffed & overdressed gay dude who works at my store, but something is slightly off that i can’t seem to put my finger on – it’s like he’s a budget version/knockoff gay guy.

i hate when the cashier says, “ma’am after you i’m closed. can you tell anyone else who gets in line behind you?” NO! i hate that responsibility. i just want to buy some eggs, not do crowd control on the check out lines. why isn’t there some kind of system in place for this? like a shopping cart roadblock? or a flag for my cart? or a sign placed behind my ass?  hell, i will stick a fucking flag out of my ass if it means i don’t have to deal with that bullshit.

i thought i was sick of the dumbass men in my life, but i am even more sick of the men in my girlfriend’s lives and i can not get rid of them.

i always have a drink to calm those first date jitters. i like to start with a round of astroglide martinis. and make mine a double…

i thought getting my children ready for school was stressful because i’m not a morning person, but it turns out i’m just not a child person in the morning.

at my last job, my fellow employees played a game before i got there called “hide the beef jerky” which apparently provided hours of entertainment. this inspired me to come up with some of my own games to pass the time at my current gig when it gets slow, but anyone can pay along. so let’s play spot the toupee, find the escaped mental patient, let’s guess who got dressed without a mirror today, do i smell a crazy cat lady?, inter-department merchandise hide n’seek, water fountain olympics, intentional wrong direction jeopardy, things to do all day instead of actual work trivia, watch the clock-a-thon, secret online shopper, manicurist at my desk, guess what your co-workers look like naked, detect the creepy employee, just off the boat jibberish to english translator, creative cooking with the employee fridge/lunch scavenger hunt, ass-kissing for fun & profit, and 30 second security camera streak.

i knew my last relationship was over when he told me he didn’t want to text me anymore – he actually wanted to talk.

i don’t recommend looking at the victoria’s secret bathing suit catalog while eating an entire pizza.

you know online dating is not for you when one of your “matches” is a guy that sounds perfect after reading his well crafted profile, but upon doing a double take at his pix, you realize not only was he the biggest asshole you ever knew, but he was once your ex husband’s best friend.

having an affair may actually have saved my marriage – if only my husband hadn’t found out.

i still live in the town in which i grew up and i gotta get outta here – after avoiding the same people for so many years, i need some new ones to avoid.

i don’t need any sugar, so what is the etiquette regarding knocking on a neighbor’s door for tampons?

i am writing a new bloody and completely terrifying horror novel that even stephen king can’t top: Snowed In Without Tampons.

i think investing in the market today is all about finding recession proof stocks. i am investing in astroglide, tampons, vodka, & birth control devices.

i won’t you date for your money, but i will use you for your sense of humor so i can steal material for my blog without crediting you.

qualities that make a new bf extremely attractive: he not only has no issue with your shoe habit, but enables it by giving you a 20% coupon for a shoe website you didn’t even know about.

please, don’t drink and read. you won’t remember the ending.

keeping the house perfectly in order all the time while selling it is like constantly being on a heightened state of terrorist alert. i have to be ready for a possible homeland invasion at any given moment.

i wish i had my trainer’s personal phone number so i could call him up & bitch at him the next day for the incapacitating pain i am in.

scenes from suburbia:

vet’s office, 3 pm in the afternoon.

vet tech: “how may i help you?”

me: “i’m here to pick up p.nut…p.nut lost his peanuts today.”

vert tech does spit take. end scene.

i think pepto bismal should come in a vodka flavor.

a smart woman knows who butters her pussy…

i know texting while driving is frowned upon, but what about flossing while driving? is that a ticketable offense?

it sucks having a gay store manager. my adorable charms are completely ineffective.

do they sell astroglide in kegs?

what are those things called that you use to find treasure that has been covered up or hidden,?  oh yah – a boner detector.

me: i hate monkies.

mikey w: really? i was thinking of getting one – just so i can spank it.

what was that song about wishes? oh yeah – something like “when you wish upon a schlong, makes no difference who you’ve done…”

i appreciate the little things in life. well, except small penises…

astroglide is miracle-gro for penises –  just sprinkle some on & it will reach it’s full growth potential.

the right guy will think you are the best thing since sliced pussy.

don’t judge a penis by it’s owner.

never look a gift cock in the mouth. or it always put a gift cock in your mouth? i can never remember.

i serve guests water from my kitchen faucet and say it’s filtered. i lie. do you think that they won’t want to come back now? i prefer not to have visitors anyway.

i had dated a great guy who i thought may have been The (second) One.” there was just one teeny tiny thing that was a problem – his wife didn’t agree.

i don’t need a lot of attention. i need a lot of E-ttention! and i want it NOW.

my mom bought me one of those vacuum things that sucks the air out of opened wine bottles to keep the leftover wine fresh. it is just so adorable that she thinks an opened bottle of wine actually has a chance to go bad around here. or that there is even unfinished wine for that matter.

i hate groups, support or otherwise. i am more of a Lone Milf.

so i am writing a new exercise book, it’s called: Thin Things After 30 Lays.

i am very particular about the men i will sleep with – they must have a pulse or a penis.

it’s very convenient having a spare pussy – now the cat pays attention to my kids when i’m busy.

wouldn’t it be cool if you could put on a soundtrack to your own sex life?

my ex bf didn’t just play one on tv, he was actually a douchebag in real life.

i need a man who is the clyde to my bonnie of texting.

i’m a whore, not a fighter.

i like to tidy up a bit before the cleaning woman comes, so she doesn’t have to dust around the clutter of the lube bottles and vibrators…

gf: “i just heated up sake in a coffee cup. what is wrong with me?”

me: “this is exactly why you are my bff.”

i have no secrets…though some people certainly wish i did.

is it wrong for the tooth fairy to borrow money from the donor’s piggy bank for an unexpected lost tooth?

i love getting into my bed every night with just my warm pussy, but the girls really wish the cat would sleep with them.

i didn’t divorce plan, but i did affair plan. far more work i would imagine.

i think my pussy has herpes – he’s gets these blisters on his lip from time to time.

i’m really worried about my pussy’s swollen lip, so i went to the doctor, but the vet said it’s probably just an allergic reaction to something he ate.

i’m going to have a telethon to raise awareness for my blog. instead of donating money, you pledge facebook friends to like the swv fanpage and spread the gospel.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
9
Jan 11

season of the bitch

of all the sounds of a bright, new morning, the one i like best is the sound of the school bus pulling away.

if i was ever eaten by cannibals, i bet they would find i have been thoroughly marinated in a delightfully aged vodka sauce with a hint of pinot noir.

a good friend is always there when you need her, but a best friend will wax your ass crack no questions asked.

my friends tell me i give them great advice. too bad i don’t actually follow any of it.

well, it finally happened: i have pussy fatigue – i have grown tired of having the cat.

i’m working on a screenplay: the season of the bitch.

so, after 5 months – all the passion is gone: the cat ignores me 90% of the time while i feed him & clean up after him. i have to say it’s not much different than most of the relationships i’ve had, but it has lasted longer.

it’s great that we finally have the HPV vaccination for women – now we  just need one to prevent the dating of assholes.

hey don’t forget: bitches need love too.

has a 7 year old ever told an interesting story?

you know what the best thing about a break-up is? The Revenge Diet followed by the Look What You Gave Up  & Will Never Have Again Makeover.

recently, i met with a financial adviser: we decided on an investment strategy of 30% growth, 20% risk, and 50% vodka.

the cat’s marbles are becoming impossible to ignore and his nails are way too long – it’s time for a snip ‘n clip!

i can’t stand those crazy animal people in the vet’s waiting room trying to be friendly. i am completely happy to be the snotty chick with the ONE cat who is not interested in your inane pet small talk about your disturbing relationship with your multiple animals and is certainly not amused by your shetland pony of a dog sniffing my crotch even when he is wearing a delightful bandana around his neck from his visit to the groomer yesterday.

i keep calling my kids by the wrong name, so i decided to just give them one of those cute celebrity combo names. is 2painsinmyass taken?

i decided to stop drinking at home – i’m strictly going out to do it.

i have been suffering from terrible work insomnia lately – i just have not been able to fall asleep at my desk no matter how tired i am.

i find playing Solitaire oddly comforting, it’s a game, but i’m organizing…

you can put your finger up my ass and your dick in my mouth, but do not put your toothbrush in my bathroom or your razor in my shower.

as a good friend pointed out, you can have a man with a big dick and a tiny brain or a tiny dick and a big brain. sigh, it is true that you just can’t have it all in one guy.

i am going to host a Dysfunctional Dinner Party: it will be pot luck, but instead of bringing your own dish, you bring you own disturbed relative. then we sit back and wait for the dinner theatre to commence.

or maybe a Dysfunctional Family Scavenger Hunt: 20 points for a an never married drunken aunt over 40, 30 points for an inappropriately touchy uncle, 40 points for getting two bitterly divorced parents in the same room, 50 points for a third cousin who has done jail time and is out on bail, 60 points for a kissing cousin, 70 points if it’s your first cousin, 80 points for your brother in law’s mistress or sister in law’s underage lover, 90 points for your brother’s baby mama, and 100 for any relative that has been to rehab more than once. first prize is a gift card to your favorite therapist.

i am sooo tired of being pegged as hard on the outside and soft on the inside. while it may be true, i feel like it really belittles my bitchy side.

what do grilling & cunnilingus have in common? most men grossly overestimate their skills at both and rarely achieve either to a woman’s satisfaction.

ladies, do not confuse “complexity” with “stupidity.”

i am so fucking sick of re-post demands on facebook. you can’t make me!

even when i don’t drink the night before, i wake up with a headache in the morning. my hang-overs must be set to cruise control.

my daughter doesn’t think i am a “cool” mom. i told her i didn’t care. i lied.

the more ways technology provides for me to keep in touch with people, the more ways i have to blow them off.

beer without alcohol? coffee without caffeine? that’s like sex without orgasms and air without oxygen: pointless.

oops i did it again: i faked the orgasms.

the aroma of freshly baked brownies is how balls should smell.

my last relationship didn’t make it through a complete case of the soda he was keeping in my fridge. i should have listened to my gut when i had that feeling that buying more than a 6 pack was thinking too long term.

i wish there was a way to meet the penis before the man and then assess if he’s even dating material – a reverse dating service where you sleep with him first and then see if you want to actually go out on a date after.

why do men think that they can fuck around behind our backs and we won’t know there aren’t other vaginas in play?

my policy on getting back together with an ex is similar to that of a retailer: no credits or returns after 14 days but i will gladly make an exchange for an item of greater value.

i have a hard outside with a soft, gooey center; but like a tootise roll pop, you never know how many licks it will take to get there.

i am sure i have said this already, but wouldn’t it be awesome if you could de-friend people in real life like you can on facebook?

i have been living clean now – it’s a struggle but i take it one day at a time – i am proud to say i have flossed for 2 days in a row. i want a medallion.

i am instituting a new dating policy after this last break-up: it’s called Pay 2 Play. i realized no one’s gonna buy the bottle, if they are gettin’ the vodka for free.

i know this is hard to believe, but i think i’m finally done with the drinking and sleeping around phase of my divorce recovery – the Suemusement Park is O-fficially closed and will re-open only for select season’s pass holders.

be a facebook fan! please…

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the suevolution(tm) / true but unecessary confessions / Uncategorized — 2 Comments
2
Jan 11

Happy Sue Year!

like i said last year, i don’t make new year’s resolutions anymore because i know i’m not gonna keep ‘em. let me give you an idea of how this type of thing has gone in the past:

i resolved to eat better, so i had a yogurt for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and an entire pizza for dinner.

i resolved to exercise more, so i joined a gym, worked out every day for 2 weeks, and then took a break for 6 months.

i resolved to cut back on carbs, so i stopped eating bread and replaced it with pretzels, popcorn, and tortilla chips.

i resolved to drink less, so i replaced the vodka with wine, and later the wine with vodka.

i resolved to do more things with my kids, so i watched tv with them.

i resolved to date men my own age, so i slept with a string of random 20 year olds.

i resolved to be more assertive, so i acted like a huge bitch.

i resolved to communicate better with those i love, so i talked to them less.

i resolved to stay out of the malls, so i shopped online.

i resolved to lose the last 5 pounds, so i gained 10.

i resolved to take better care of myself, so i started going to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth.

i resolved to give myself more time in the morning by setting my alarm to wake me earlier, so i snoozed until i woke up late.

i resolved to let my hair grow long, so i stopped shaving.

i resolved to read more and watch less tv, so i leafed through catalogs while watching my dvr.

i resolved to be more patient with others, so i tried to convince my gynecologist to give me a prescription for xanax.

i resolved to save money, so i started picking up loose change up off the floor.

i resolved not to settle and to find someone who really gets me, so i got a cat.

i resolved to drink more water, so i added ice cubes to my vodka.

i resolved to floss every day, so i avoided the dentist for 14 months.

i resolved to take up a hobby, so i collected one night stands.

i resolved to get more rest, so i started taking sleeping pills.

i resolved to cook more for my kids, so i got frozen dinners.

i resolved to keep my house clean, so i hired a cleaning service.

i resolved to make some new single friends, so i hung out with my kids on their playdates.

i resolved to be more of a “morning person,” so i started drinking more coffee.

i resolved to be strong, so i cried in the night when no one was looking.

i resolve to make 2011 the year of The Suevolution(tm). so, let’s see how that goes.

like swv on facebook too!

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — No Comments
19
Dec 10

The Freshman 15

i have hit another huge milestone since the divorce: i got my first set of junk mail labels with my new last name.

people are surprised how soft & silky my pussy is – well, i do brush him every day.

you know what is total BS? having a middle aged body with teen-aged skin. i hope clearasil makes a wrinkle cream.

my pussy is getting such a thick coat of fur – he must be preparing for the winter.

mimes & ventriloquists: if they all suddenly disappeared & never returned, i doubt anyone would really care.

dana: my son needs pictures of things that start with “W.” is a wine bottle inappropriate?

i am starting to think having a pussy is more trouble that it’s worth – he is destroying my house.

long live grapes and batteries.

i am converting to a new religion: Born Again Bitches. the church choir will be called The Sisterhood of the Traveling Tampon.

people always ask if i decide to get remarried, will i want more kids. more kids? i’m not sure i even want the ones i already have.

it may be time to upgrade the shower massager to a power washer…

carpe dickem! seize the dick.

i don’t need a full brazillian since i just want my ass crack waxed. what would that be? a grecian?

i’m working on a  divorce recovery program: basically it involves a lot of drinking, some minor pill popping, and a ton of meaningless sex with strangers. I am calling it My 20′s.

when it comes to blow jobs there are 2 kinds of women besides swallowers and spiters: the generous & the stingy. the generous are happy to do it any time for anyone and don’t mind their head being pushed into a strange crotch. the stingy think it’s a special gift to be doled out at their whim that better be gratefully received and never actually requested. food for thought…

you know what having the first fight means? having the first make-up sex.

i totally misconstrued the meaning of The Freshman 15 – i thought it was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with the first semester.

you are not truly on a budget until you are buying 1 ply toilet paper.

seen on the back of a dump truck on my way into work this morning: “our goal is to fill your hole.” well, why didn’t you say so, earlier?

i think it’s time to get my rug cleaned. come to think if it, the carpets could use a shampoo too.

do not get the “mexican blend” coffee at wawa – it’s a scam – there is absolutely no tequilla in it.

all men think they are bobby flay on the grill and ron jeremy in the bedroom.

college kids today have so many advantages we didn’t – i can only imagine how much more enriching my educational experience would have been with cell phones, the internet, and gift cards.

it’s really important to eat enough fruit & vegetables -  so i have  2-5 servings of orange, raspberry, & lemon vodka a day.

do you think the percentage of couples that break up after jan 1 is equal to the percentage that start dating october 1st?

if you can send your dog to obedience school, then why not your man? who’s a good boy? yes, you are! you’re my good boy!

and what about bringing him to the kennel, for that matter, when you need a vacation?

men, can’t live with ‘em, can’t lick your own pussy.

pussies rub themselves to get their scent on everything & claim ownership. that’s one of the things you have to put up with when you own a cat…or a woman.

ho, ho, ho? well, no wonder why santa is so merry.

you better not spit, you better get plowed. santa balls is coming to town.

if you fart in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it still smell?

so i told my bf he could come in my back door anytime – i gave him the spare key.

like these Tales of my Debauchery? then register here and like me there: facebook

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
2
Dec 10

BBFA

spending a weekend with me requires marathon level training – you’d better carb load & hydrate properly a few days before; because you’re gonna burn one hell of a lot of calories and lose most of your liquids…

life is all about setting boundaries and learning to  just say “no.” unless you’re in bed, then it’s yes, yeS, yES, YES, YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

well i have finally done it – i have turned my gf’s into a bunch of whores. i am so proud.

every day this mattress salesman in a cheap suit stops at the water fountain by my desk; and not only does he SLURPPPPP the water loudly, but when he turns his head to drink, his toupee flips over & hangs on by a tiny thread of head glue. every day i not only hope the damn thing will actually fall off, but i wonder how someone can lack any self-awareness whatsoever.

well, i gave in & decided to have dinner with other couples – i decided it was time to bring this hot mess on the road.

BFFN thinks a certain actress is no more than a professional skank. i have to wonder, what is so wrong with that?

i decided to lay off the spanking for a few days because i was trying to save it all for the bf, plus i was out of batteries. i was able to fall asleep thanks to the vodka, but my pussy woke me up at 3 am to be pet – i had to throw that damn cat out of my room since he was keeping me up.

i was going to my sister’s to see the babies and make her some meatballs, but before i left i called to confirm my visit telling her, “i  just wanted to be sure you wanted to me to come before i packed up all the meat.” she said, “that’s something you don’t hear every day.”and then she added, “well, maybe you do.”

i am always encouraging my girlfriends to lose their pants – i am the sex fairy sprinkling my stripper dust all across the land.

i mark the days of the week by how many school lunches i have to make.

mikey w.: ” i am lion, hear me cum.”

i am going to get one of those keurigs just as soon as they make vodka flavored coffee pods.

i love my job, it’s the actual work i don’t really care for….

the mood bracelets my girls got for chanukah turned blue for “happy” as soon as they put them on their wrists. so i tried one on and got nothin. i guess “drunk”  isn’t a mood.

regarding holiday cards: thanks for thinking of me, but if i gave a shit about having pictures of your kids, i would carry them in my wallet all year.

after a serious heart to heart about our feelings, i have upgraded the BBFN to the BFFA - Boyfriend For Awhile. don’t say i never did nothing for ya, baby.

when the cat takes a dump, you can smell it through the entire house. that is the exact reason i got rid of the husband.

one of the benefits of working alone is that you can fart all day long at your desk.

hey jamie, you’re in the blog.

i am all for manners; but can we all agree not to send thank you notes for kids’ parties anymore? i just found a stack from one kid i never sent and realized i totally forgot about the other kid’s. is there some kind of governing body of mommies or a committee i can bring this proposal too?

i have been told to bury a st. joseph statue in my yard to help sell my house quicker, but will he know he’s in jewish soil? maybe i should try a burning bush instead?

actually i have had a burning bush – really bad yeast infection…

i’m dreaming of a cheap christmasssss…

i made dinner and burnt myself on the oven. i ironed a shirt and burnt myself on the iron. this is exactly why you can not domesticate a wild animal.

recently the BFFA told me something every girl waits her whole life to hear: “i think these condoms are too small.”

in this rough job market, it is so hard to find an opening as a Full Time Bitch.

i have been at the new job for two months now and i already feel so comfortable there – for example – i have no issue walking to the ladies room with my cell phone, a magazine, and a pack of butt wipes.

and btw, i have absolutely no idea how i even existed before butt wipes.

we were debating something silly when the BFFA said, “wanna bet?” and i said, “what are you possibly going to bet me that i won’t do anyway?” he paused for a moment and said, “i’m still trying to figure that out.”

i did something i am truly ashamed of the other day: i went food shopping as a couple.

after dinner the other night BFFA said derisively, “nice job organizing the dishwasher.” and i replied, “hey, i don’t work for it, it works for me.”

my box is full and i like it that way – i have hated voicemail since my first job and i’m not about to start returning any messages now.

the power was out when i got to the gym – i’m still counting it as a workout.

me: “my pussy misses you. he is looking for you. you totally stole my cat.” BFFA: “not the first pussy to fall for me.”

dear santa, i have been a very very naughty girl. do you still want to eat my cookie?

i need the vodka to take the edge off the pain…of motherhood.

is it wrong to pocket money your kids leave lying around?

i totally forgot i went to college with loreen’s bf. i had to ask him if we ever hooked up.

debbie: “so, were you always this slutty?
me: “no, it took years of training.”

at dinner i recounted the story of how i set up don & loreen at the 20 year hs reunion:

loreen: “who’s that?!”

me: “that’s don.”

loreen: “wow, he looks amazing.”

me: “yes he does. you can have him.”

upon hearing this don exclaimed: “hey!”

me: “oh please, don. don’t even pretend it was up to you.”

of all the things i lost in the divorce, i miss my platinum norsdstrom card the most…

i can stare at the tv screen to block out what i see, i can put earphones in to block out the noise, but i can not escape the stench emanating from the dude on the elliptical next to me. what we really need are odor shields between machines.

judging from the monsters walking around my new gym, i don’t think the juice they are selling at the bar is apple.

and, is it gym policy that you have to be a snotty little cunt to work at the reception desk?

are you familiar with the saying if you sprinkle when you tinkle, then clean it the fuck up?

and to all the ladies at work:  do we have to exchange greetings every goddamn time we meet in the restroom? it’s not a club. we are not doing lines of blow off the sinks. we are not at dinner and need to gossip about our dates. i do not need to borrow your lipstick or bum a cigarette. i just want to pee in peace and get the fuck out of there. i am sure men do not have this problem at the urinal. another great reason to have a penis as if there weren’t enough already.

what the chinese fortune said: “no problem can stand the assault of sustained thinking.”

what i read:” no problem can stand the assault of sustained drinking.”

BBFA: “you’re perfect for me.” me: “which makes you perfect for me. ”

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / pussy jokes never get old — 1 Comment
21
Nov 10

FFIP

it’s hard to date just one person, and as yvette says: “it ain’t cheatin’, if you’re just eatin’…”  i assume this applies to “beatin’ ” as well?

what is this business of getting to know each other before having sex? that is absolutely ridiculous – if the sex is bad, there is absolutely nothing else i need to know.

my old college buddy, miller, has now dubbed me, “surly with vodka.” as long as there is vodka, i don’t care what you call me.

things are moving kind of quickly with The BFFN (The Boyfriend For Now) and i have to tell you that i am really excited to get to that part of the relationship where i have to shower less…

we have decided to be exclusive – we don’t want to date any other couples.

he loves to pet my pussy – i’m really starting to become jealous of that cat…

the other day was National Smokeout Day. i think i may have misconstrued the meaning – turns out it was cigarettes, not pole.

the tightness of the pants i wear on a date depends on how quickly i plan to be out of them.

i’m not on west coast, central mountain, or eastern time. i’m on BCT: Booty Call Time.

Adam: “so, what are you going to wear on your date tonight?”

me: “something easy to slip out of.”

Adam: “are you planning on having sex?”

me: “do you have to ask?”

the new relationship is going so well – my only concern is the challenge it presents to my cynicism…

i have found BFFN’s fatal flaw: he snores deeply enough to suck small planets out of orbit.

BFFN asked me to promise not to fake the orgasms and i agreed as long as he promised to give me the reasons not to.

bumper sticker: have toothbrush, will travel.

i think the alarm clock could be improved by replacing The Snooze Button with a Morning Sex Button.

BFFN: “so, what kind of wine do you like?”

me: “cheap. like me.“

when people tell me to “behave” or not to “work too hard,” i just laugh – those are two things i never do.

BFFN: “my friend sent me pictures of his wife naked.”

me: “omg. what an asshole. let me see.“

before we go out, my friends tell me to keep my pants on and i admonish them not to.

it was friday night, and all across the land, bootay was being had. the queen was pleased.

BFFN: “you are the horniest girl ever.”

me: “thank you.”

since i have 2 girls, i am fascinated by my new nephews’ little wangs – its the only time tiny penises are adorable.

there is a cliched poster female co-eds like to hang in their dorm rooms – the one with the gorgeous man holding the tiny baby in the palm of his hand. now, this is where they have it all wrong – make it a balding, overweight, middle aged guy who never hears the baby crying at night and maybe we won’t have to suffer through the palins or shows like 16 and pregnant anymore.

mikey w: “i used to date a girl who liked me to cum on her face so she could rub it in – it’s good for the skin you know.”

me: “i’ll just stick with Oil of Olay.”

my pussy is so well groomed – i brush him every day and clip his claws every week.

me: “i’ll bring the booze. do you want cheap vodka or cheap wine?”

dana: “things seemed to be going so well. i don’t understand what happened.”

me: “he must have met someone else.”

dana: “or, he didn’t like how my vagina tasted.”

me: “well, that is always a possibility.”

i love car seat warmers – they provide all of the pleasant warmth of peeing in your pants with none of the wetness.

my pussy is so clean – he is always licking himself.

i was texting with my sister and mikey w. at the same time: the first convo involved giving motherly advice about the new babies, the second was a discussion of our sexual conquests in great detail. i just loved the irony of Parallel Textersations.

BFFN: “did you want to have sex?”

me: “well duh, of course i do, but what made you ask?”

BFFN: “well, you came back from the bathroom holding your belt & your pants are unbuttoned.”

hope was worried her date wouldn’t like the fact that her nail polish was chipped. i told her not to worry about it unless she was going out with a gay guy.

mikey w.: “who the fuck knows.”

me: “no one. so just fuck who you know.”

i’m really into the new bf, so i don’t want to date anyone else, but i do normally like to keep my options open, and by options, i mean legs.

i am going to market a new line of Do Not Disturb/Housekeeping hangers for the door that are more honest. one side will say FFIP: Fuck Fest In Progress. the other side will say, Caution: Wet Sheets.

BFFN: “you have to get off me – i really have to go now & get ready for that wedding today.”

me: “call in sick.”

the only time i condone the use of marijuana is for purely medicinal reasons – like before sex.

you should always visit a guy’s place before becoming too involved with him- it’s very important to see him in his natural habitat.

the beginning of a relationship is always so wonderful – the getting to know one another, the mind-blowing sex, the falling in love much too quickly, the trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with each other and when it’s all going to go to shit…

when we go on dates, women generally operate with the knowledge that the dude most likely only just wants to fuck us – any chick over 30 who doesn’t realize that is a moron or amish.

fuck that mars, venus bullshit.  i think it’s more like oil & water: with enough agitation, you can get them to mix well together briefly, but no matter what, they always end up separating completely.

i pride myself on being the sanest one over a wide demographic of crazy friends, proving once again, that sanity is all relative.

ever hear of the wolf in sheep’s clothing? well i think i may be a dude in chick’s clothing…

you’re allergic to my cat so you can’t ever come over to my place? that is puuurrrrfect.

i like to go to the guy’s place – let him clean up the aftermath of the crime scene i’m surely going to create in the bedroom…

having all of this technology while dating creates new ways to asses a match: for instance, i find it very important that there is Compatible Textiquette. i think there should be a category on the profile called Text Preferences, because a mismatch in that area can be a total deal breaker. you would mark like desired frequency, preferred response time, and how just soon filthy texts can be sent…

on the subject of texting though, too much of it before you actually meet gives you false sense of knowing the person and feeling comfortable with him which normally leads to major disappointment in the real life meeting. although, i have had great Text Chemistry with many guys prior to meeting them, the excessive texting did not reveal the growth on the neck that should be looked at immediately, the hairy arm that was suggestive of a recessive werewolf gene, the bad breath that could not be cured with even a stick of minty gum, the nervous tics that had me running into the rest room hoping for a window to jump out of, the ripped dirty sweatpants, the rent-a-wreck he came in, the bad manners, the fact he hasn’t showered since his last date,  or the fact that someone else had to be writing for him because the real life person was lacking any wit or personality. you gotta be careful with your virtuality – it’s an e-jungle out there.

i decide if i will sleep with a guy the minute i meet him by assessing if i can drink him fuckable.

i just hate to leave my pussy alone all night – i think i’m gonna have to start bringing him with me.

BFFN after checking out my laundry room: “i have to bring some laundry over, you have big machines.”

me: “i do have big machines. just make sure you bring some quarters for my slot.”

can u imagine how creepy you would be if you actually winked as much in real life as you do in texts? ;-)

i was razzing BFFN about not wanting to go see him in his White Trash Apartment and he told me i had to go to the jungle to get ravished. apparently, me: jane, he: horny.

me referring to the kitten: “look, my pussy is excited to see you.”

BFFN: “so, what’s new?”

we have only been dating a week but it feels so much longer. a quick, cursory review might reveal why: we saw each other 5 out of 7 days, i have done inappropriate things to him in his apartment with clearly, no regard for his children sleeping in the next room, i demanded that he quit smoking on the first date, i agreed to go with him to his family’s thanksgiving dinner and meet his entire family (not shockingly, i was given the caveat to behave), we have watched 4 movies and exchanged toothbrushes & contact lens cases, and he did the pleasantly surprising & unexpected I Brought You Coffee Drop-By (he already knows how i like my coffee – Giant Skim Latte. STAT!), and i committed a hit and run in his building’s parking lot while leaving at 1 am the other night (oh whatever, it was just a tap that’s what bumpers are for). in week 2 he will come to my place so he can hit my neighbors’ cars and then we’ll probably knock over a bank and flee to mexico.

look i gave him head start and warned him to run as far away as fast as he could – you know men never listen.

i say: slack hard or not at all!

the next time i get invited to a wedding, i have the perfect gift: the name of my divorce lawyer.

BFFN: “we can’t fool around when you come over, my kids will be asleep in the next room.”

me: “what kind of horrible, slut do you think i am?”

BFFN: “the worst kind. “

me: “that is so sweet – you already know me so well”


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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy / ponderings of a mad woman — 1 Comment
22
Oct 10

RVS

here is how to tell if the guy you’re “dating” is too young for you: when pillow talk after sex is really motherly advice.

handy binge drinking hangover planning formula for the middle-aged: 1 hour for every year of your life multiplied by the amount of drinks you plan to have = the amount of recovery time you will need to allot afterward.

like the prince looking for the girl who fits the shoe, i will know i have met my beloved when he finds my magic bean.

an asshat by any other name is…my ex-husband.

i have mercy fucked the ugly, the poor, the young, the old, the hairy, the sweaty, the ill-tempered, ill-mannered, ill-equipped, the poorly skilled, the fat, the skinny, the weak, & the wretched. i am the gd mother theresa of sex.

looks like the boys of summer have gone; but that’s okay – because my vagina grows a thick coat & goes into hibernation over the winter.

since we got the kitten, i have no desire to go out & troll for men anymore. now i stay home & do what i do best – stroke my pussy.

we won’t be a truly civilized society until every restroom has butt wipes.

anyone know the etiquette governing sheet changing between one night stands? i just don’t have that much time for laundry.

i just want one dependable penis. is that too much to ask?

it is nearly impossible to find truth in dating and i am just tired of the inevitable disappointment – so i am going to run my sex life like an employment agency from now on: interested applicants will be pre-screened via an application process in which they must submit current photos, a resume outlining all skills & qualities applicable to the job,  complete employment history, a P & L statement, personal references and at least 3 glowing letters of recommendation from previous employers. after being granted an interview, candidates that make it to the second round must pass a simulated field test, blood test, & thorough physical examination. there will be temporary positions available with the possibility of long term employment if job performance is evaluated to be satisfactory. there is no vacation or sick time but full benefits will be available after successfully completing a designated waiting period. employment is strictly at will – my will. it will not be an EEO workplace either. only serious applicants need apply. 

i was talking to my cousin & lamenting the release of the last penis in my stable back into the wild. i was telling him how hard it was find a steady lay. he summed up the single woman’s situation perfectly, “you can get laid any time you time want, just not by whom you want.”

i am no fashionista, but aren’t footless tights the same as leggings? now crotchless, i understand.

does anyone remember when the manicurist actually gave a shit about NOT getting polish on your skin? this is what happens when you outsource american goods & services to overseas workers.

i frequently wake up in the night all tingly and unable to get back to sleep -i think i am suffering from RVS – Restless Vagina Syndrome.

some women do divorce planning before they file. i affair-planned.

want a free lunch? throw a card into my bowl.

i would be more apt to play barbies with my girls if they made some dolls i could relate to like Divorced Barbie and her slutty twin sister, Sowing Her Oats Barbie or their fun friend, Part-time Alcoholic Barbie.

i am old fashioned girl – i expect a man to pay for my dinner before he gets to have me for dessert.

a successful one night stand is just that- ONE night. don’t ruin it by actually trying to get to know each other.

my body is like a temple and those who do not worship it properly will be excommunicated.

single woman at confession: bless me mother for i have sinned. i had impure thoughts & slept around. head mistress: do two 20 year olds, and blow one old man.

these are my rules for “dating” those under 30: come over and fuck me when i call, every time i call, never ever stand me up, don’t ask for snacks, don’t whine about your mommy, don’t ask for career advice or to take a shower, and, for god sakes, leave immediately after we are done – i have shit to do in the morning.

so i’m settling into the new job nicely – my top drawer is filled with snacks, i have memorized the secret code to get into the employee “lounge,”  i have eradicated any evidence of the existence of the person before me (most likely tossing important papers i will need when i actually know what i am doing), & by day 6, i had my pants unbuttoned after lunch.

after the following conversation occurred in my bedroom:

“i’m going home to sleep.”

“well, of course you are.”

“well, are you at least gonna walk me out?”

“do i have to?”

i  decided to look into obtaining some signage so that the exits are clearly marked.

some people think it’s time i cleaned up my act – so i decided to take a 30 day pledge of sobriety & chastity. HAHAHAHAHAHA

i pray for world peace and freedom from asshats for all.

i have come to the conclusion that i am not a fan of showers of any kind unless it’s hand held.

no longer working with men is a welcome relief from all the oogling, flirting, & sexual tension -  i was starting to worry i was going to get fired for sexual harassment.

some people find success with yoga or meditation, but i didn’t feel truly at peace until i got in touch with my Inner Bitch.

there is nothing like a warm pussy in your lap -  once you go cat, you never go back.

how can booze & sex feel soooo good at the time, but soooo bad the next day?

you know you’re getting old when you have to slide that birth year bar alllllllllllll the way down to select the year. sigh.

this is terribly shallow, but it always surprises me when ugly people have affairs.

wrap dresses need to have cautionary labels such as: WARNING: A sudden gust of wind may blow dress completely open while you are walking past 27 car mechanics. Wear underwear at all times when using this product.

bumper sticker seen on horse drawn carriage: prince charming was a mama’s boy.

when a divorced woman is with her married friends, they seem to hold their husbands arms slightly tighter. married ladies, not to worry: we know your husbands, we have listened to you bitch about them, and most importantly, we are not interested in trading one jackass for another. that prize is all yours honey.

you can never go wrong just being yourself…unless you’re a total asshole.

while reflecting upon my failed marriage, i realized there were so many other men i could have chosen to disappoint me.

getting back into bed after the girls’ bus leaves on my day off isn’t so much about needing the sleep, so much as it is just knowing i can.

three things i have just accepted i am not going to do no matter how much i continually resolve to do them:

1. floss

2. make my bed

3. balance my checkbook

i pulled a “going out” bag i rarely use out of the closet the other night and found a wad of singles in it. at first i was elated, but then i became increasingly alarmed trying to trace its origins…

i would rather sleep with a stranger than have phone sex with him.

i was recently at a hotel i used to frequent for a completely legitimate reason and it didn’t feel right…

note sent from rapunzel’s tower: i’m bored. send shoes.

making new friends at work: over it.

i’m an optimist – i always see the vodka bottle as 1/2 full.

removing a new barbie from the package is like negotiating a hostage release.

it’s not the men i miss or even the sex – it’s the texts.

it’s a good thing i don’t have a bookie because i have borrowed wine bottles all over town with no intentions of paying ‘em back.

you know it’s finally over when you de-friend him on facebook.

i get on these food jags where i obsessively eat one thing until i get sick of it. usually, the only way to cure it is to just finally gorge myself on the thing in one sitting which makes me become disgusted with it forever after The Feed. it works in other areas of my life too -  i had tons of meaningless sex with strangers for a few months and i am completely done with that now. the vodka, however, is the anomaly to this theory.

here is the thing about reunions in middle age: as expected, the women, for the most part, look gorgeous and even better than they did in high school; or at the very least, are well preserved. what is shattering, is to see the beautiful boys you lusted after have all turned into short, fat, bald gnomes. this is particularly crushing when you are freshly divorced, feeling fabulous, and using The Reunion as a Dating Opportunity.

text exchange with my gf loreen:

me: s’up beyatch?

loreen: same shit. what are you up to?

me: ditt-O. cept now i do it with a cat

loreen: i hope you weren’t being literal about doing it with the cat.

me: nah. i’m done with males of all species.

loreen: now that was funny.

me: thank you, good night.

oh  my god. i just answered the door with a cat in my arms. it’s official, i am a Crazy Cat Lady.

i really don’t hate men – i’m just trying to head ‘em off at the pass.

the ex wants me to give him a ghet (a jewish divorce). oh, he can have his ghet, when i get the rest of what i’m supposed to get.

i just adore the kitten, but i am not going to be one of those people who talks endlessly about her pet; but i just have to tell you about the cutest thing he did the other day…

i remember when i first found out that all of those gorgeous male models with the six-pack abs & sculpted bodies were gay. that certainly set the tone for disappointment in men early in life.

one of my random hookups took the last condom home with him. i thought this was bad form. is he not familiar with the concept of a hostess gift?

i love that facebook personally tailors the ad sidebar for me: a weight loss ad, followed by a divorce support group ad, followed by a romance a millionaire ad. what, no vodka or AA ads?

my dating life is in recession headed toward a full depression.

Truth In Dating icebreaker: razor, laser, or wax?

terry cloth sweats are my preferred loungewear – they are highly absorbent and quickly mop up the spilled vodka – and then you can wring ‘em out into your glass. (i do so hate waste.)

i used to think asexual people were missing something, but now i think they actually have it all figured out.

whenever i bring a man back to my place, i like to slip into something a little more vodka.

oh bare minerals, you had me at sleep.

so i realized i was out of a few things for making school lunch and went food shopping in my friend’s refrigerator. the price was right but she wouldn’t honor my coupons.

new bumper sticker: wanna consumate?

when a friend of mine was trying to convince me to engage is some inappropriate texting, i told him i wasn’t sure about it because “i’m so shy…an absolute shrinking violet.” he responded, “more like a venus flytrap.”

when women say, “why are the good ones always taken?” i wonder what exactly is their definition of “good.”

is being a douchebag a choice or are you just born with it?

and in that vein, i am fairly certain anyone driving a yellow mode of transport, other than a school bus driver, is one.

i have no idea what the meaning of life is, but i do know vodka is clear for a reason.

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NC-17 / one liners- hey it's easy — 7 Comments
5
Oct 10

put your burrito in my glove box

men want to know: why do women fake orgasms? i’m not sure, but i think it may have something to do with either your pathetic lack of ability, your sad, fragile, ego, or the fact that you just won’t stop asking if we don’t. quite frankly, i am not sure why we bother on any account – because it’s really fucking tiresome at this point.

and on that note, if you have to ask her if she came, you already have your answer.

the more men i meet, the more i don’t want meet any more men.

so i have a vibrator i use only for special occasions – it’s so powerful it must be plugged in…it gives you one hell of an orgasm, but it requires protective gear lest you obliterate your bean.

you would be surprised how many crises orgasms & booze can see you through.

so, while my pal was deciding what went best with mexican food, white or red, i was deciding on beano or gas-ex.

i’m starting my own dating site that has an honest name like, “the ones that were thrown back,” or “plenty of dicks in the sea,” or “short dudes need love too.”  but i think i’m just going to go with, “creepy strangers looking for sex.”

so my gf and i were trying to figure out the best way to have The Talk with our girls when The Time inevitably comes. you know, the one where every mother must explain to her daughter that she would be wise to sleep with as many men as possible lest she unwittingly commit to one small poorly skilled penis for the rest of her life.

here is what i want the 20 year old women to know: romantic comedies only happen in the movies, there is no Happily Ever After, and a Happy Ending is something that only happens in an illicit massage parlor.

found out the girl cat is a boy. my sister was shocked i didn’t know. and it was quite logical that she said to me, “aren’t you an expert in such things?”  but it turns out that applies only to my own species.

and when i was surprised the girl cat was a boy, the vet just looked at me quizzically and said, “really?” and i said, “well there was no hangy thing.” and she said, “he’s not a mountain lion.”

i love my new pleather couch, but what i adore most about it is how the spilled vodka just beads up for easy cleaning the next day.

i don’t do virtual sex of any kind: i find it’s enough for a man to leave me unsatisfied in real time.

i find forced small talk awkward, and the conventions governing such after sex are really unclear. like, just how long do you have to chat politely before you can ask him to leave?

is there a 12 step program for habitually sleeping with assholes?

here’s another benefit of dating men of all ages: you can literally see the evolutionary path of jackass to asshole right before your eyes: you can almost pinpoint the precise moment when he will become a huge disappointment to his future wife.

new bumper sticker: END MERCY FUCKING NOW

there is no amount of vodka that can prep you for a sleepover party in your home with 9 squealing 7 year olds – so don’t even try.

so the ex told me that i am “a liar, cheater, & a thief.” i told him he “forgot bitch, whore, & mental patient.” i just hate an insult that isn’t thorough.

screw the cab company phone numbers at the bar, i need a Booty Call Hotline. i can always bring a designated driver.

if i am an army of one, then i am coming to kick your ass.

the more sex you have, the more laundry you have to do. monica lewisnky had one dress – i have an entire sperm bank in my laundry bin.

i was beginning to crave the steady companionship of a man until we got the kitten. now i am content to stay home and stroke his soft hairy body. sheds a whole new light on the reasons women become Crazy Cat Ladies – literally.

from the i thought i would never have to buy that again files: i cut my asshole shaving several weeks ago (i’m sure i  have mentioned that i am very thorough in my personal grooming), and it wouldn’t heal; because, apparently, the swampy environment prevents proper ventilation which is needed for successful anal fissure recovery. after assuring me i didn’t have a dire situation occurring in my crack that would require full disclosure to future sex partners, my GYN told me i just need some diaper rash cream. guys, what is hotter than that?

how long do you have to be having sex with someone before you can demand they shave their back?

i farted loud enough to wake the new kitten. i am now worried i could blow him clear out of the bed.

male volunteers needed for a new study: i would like to test my hypothesis that if you stick a battery in a man’s ass, you can make his penis vibrate.

so in the throes of the passion, a guy once said to me, “oh, i can feel your g-spot.” you know what? i was glad one of us did.

this same jackass wanted to go in my jacuzzi with me, but i declined, explaining he wasn’t really worth having to clean out the tub the next day. that is a major commitment.

so, once upon a time there was a beautiful suburban princess with long brown hair. she married a toad who never turned into a prince. he locked her away in 2 story tower with a finished basement.  but she was lonely and  grew tired of waiting for a real prince to come save her. she got a fairy god-lawyer and took most of the stuff, 1/2 of the cash, divorced the toad, & dated happily ever after. the end.

expanding the age range of men you date just increases the amount of men who can disappoint you & the myriad of ways in which they will.

talk about “being in your prime,” – i am so gd horny i have to take the edge off with my shower head before sex.

sigh -the last of year of my “dirty thirties,” approaches – but i do look forward to the “fuck you forties.”

you know what makes up for being stood up by someone you weren’t that into to begin with? tater tots & vodka.

overheard at work one day: “put your burrito in my glove box.”

the most ashamed i ever felt after a one night stand was finding out after that the dude dressed up as a pirate in his spare time.

so, logically, it follows that i have tightened up my personal facebook policy – now, no one i have slept with can be my friend – lest a perfectly enjoyable encounter with a complete stranger be ruined by really getting to know him.

what’s is worse than the waste of time a bad date is? the fresh contacts & the waste of makeup.

i have decided to take a hiatus from dating, however, i am accepting applications for gay bff. i realized that is all i truly need anyway.

some things i miss about being married:

double dates with other married couples who clearly hate each other too.

dinners with other couples and being forced to listen to two equally annoying people tell a painfully boring story in tandem.

asking someone their opinion on anything.

pretending to like the in-laws.

having to listen to someone ramble on about their day & truly not giving a crap.

washing shit stained tidy whities.

applauding dishwasher emptying.

finding empty tp rolls after taking a massive dump.

man fur on the bathroom floor.

oh and don’t let me forget this: nothing.

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